Partner's daughter said she would be PROUD if she found out her dad cheats on me.

[liladavis662]

Need to get some perspective here. My fiancé and I have struggled. He’s recently told me that I need to make changes in my behavior. I don’t look “happy” and that I can be too demanding. SO here it goes:

 

I had to drive to a work meeting yesterday. It was 2.5 hours each way. I chose to COME BACK instead of stay overnight …so we could go to dinner together and have a nice night. The night before — i was pushing for sex. We had sex 3 times in 2 days — and I told him that morning that I wanted to come back so we could have another fun/sex night.

 

He said okay….. So the plan was for him to get off work (at 3) — he would go work out and then when I arrive home (around 5) he would be ready to go to dinner.

 

So what happened? What always happens. He chose to go to the mall after work to get socks that he liked better. he said the new socks he bought last week weren’t comfy enough. He spent an hour at the mall (Nordstrom) buying socks etc. He got home to go work out at 5. So he said he would be quick. He came home at 6:15. He showered and changed …we couldn’t leave for dinner until 6:45. Dinner was at a nice steak place we often go. But he started the conversation about his child support expiring for his youngest daughter because he got a notice in the mail. So he used our dinner to text his ex wife about the payment schedule and to look through his finances. I didn’t say anything.

 

We got home and and he said he needed to work a little on his laptop but we could watch TV. I said okay. He said don’t worry — I won’t work too long. OFTEN he will work on his laptop until 12:30 in the morning. ALMOST every. single night.

 

So he started complaining about how his workload was so awful and that he needs an assistant. Well he HAS a full time assistant. He lets her work remotely all but ONE day a week. So she is working from home 4 days a week. I simply said you have one — give her more work. He blew up and said no, she works too much as it is. That she is overwhelmed. I said just a couple of weeks ago you told me that she was BORED and appeared to be coming up with projects because she was idle.

 

He proceeded to tell me that just because I came in and helped him for a day while she was off — that I don’t know what I’m talking about and I didn’t even know what I was doing.

 

He said “She’s gold” He said you just don’t like her. (I’ve never even met her!) I said no, I am just stating the facts. You are working too much. It’s cutting into our lives because you aren’t delegating. He handed me the computer and said “let’s see if YOU can do this… NO you can’t… and until you can do this job — you don’t know what the FU8K you are talking about.”

 

I said look i’m not fighting with you. He said you’ve had wine …and now you are picking fights. I said NO. I am just waiting patiently for you and minding my own business. I thought we were going to have a good night….

 

He said well you are destroying that.

 

So at that point I said well, it’s 10:15. I’m going to head to bed. He said okay. So he came to bed and IMMEDIATELY started working on his laptop in bed. He then looked at me and said the night before when we had sex he had fallen asleep after — and he can’t do that again. So he is going to work.

 

So I rolled over and went to sleep. This morning he was asking why I was quiet. He said he hopes that I know he loves me and that we will have a better “sexy” night tonight. He said he was just very busy.

 

His big complaints about me/us HAVE been — that I fall asleep too early drinking wine (waiting for him on the couch) and we don’t have sex the way we used to. And that I used to be so loving and physical with him — and I seemed detached.

 

So CLEARLY I am here trying to fix it and I’m realizing that maybe “I” am not the problem. His work is…..and his reluctance to be with me.

 

I am also feeling extremely insecure because his 24 year old daughter has moved back into our area and she has been staying at our house a few days a week. (Usually when we aren't home--otherwise she stays at her Mom's house)

 

He just hired her one day a week while she goes to college "PART TIME". She said she wanted to go back to school -- so she doesn't have to WORK for awhile. He spoils her....

 

So I overheard her the other day (she didn't know I was in the house) telling her boyfriend on speaker phone that she would be PROUD if she found out when she started working for her dad-- that he was "banging his assistant". THey both started talking about how much they want him to be single to meet a "really nice woman".... and to leave me.

 

Now ALL i think about when he's with his daughter is how she must be non stop telling him to leave me....and be single.

 

BTW -- I SHOULD ADD -- He is NOT cheating on me with the assistant. She is married and just had a baby. He isn't cheating -- but I know it may sound like it given how defensive he is about her.

Edited February 12, 2019 by liladavis662

[Orokotikki]

Call it off, you can find better and it will only get worse.

Ignore the daughter, she may have known you were home and not let on and anyways...

Would not be surprised if he is laying the groundwork to be 'banging his assistant' if he isn't already.

[Orokotikki]

You don't need proof of anything untoward to leave someone - it's enough that they don't treat you right and cannot meet each others needs - this guy sounds like grade A douche nozzle.

[liladavis662]

It's been 4 and a half years. I just feel like I've changed my entire life (changed jobs and careers for him).... I don't know how to start over.

 

I work REMOTELY so I could spend more time with him...and now he works non stop.

 

he tried to get a new job (he currently owns his own business) and he hasn't gotten hired.

 

As for the daughter -- I was SO angry and hurt. I haven't told anyone about what I heard. I know my partner would say that I made it up -- and his daughter would deny it.

 

It hurts...

[liladavis662]

Would you constitute the argument from last night -- as emotionally abusive? Telling me I don't know what the fuc* I am talking about -- and that I am idiotic and have stupid ideas?

 

You don't need proof of anything untoward to leave someone - it's enough that they don't treat you right and cannot meet each others needs - this guy sounds like grade A douche nozzle.

Edited February 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[elaine567]

.

Would not be surprised if he is laying the groundwork to be 'banging his assistant' if he isn't already.

 

 

That is the impression I got too.

[liladavis662]

He has told me several times that I shouldn't be jealous -- she is too fat for his taste anyway.

 

I don't think he will ever be attracted to her -- she is married with kids. BUT -- I don't feel good about how defensive he is.

 

What he's told me is that he gets defensive because I question him and how he works ...when he says I have no idea what the "fuc*" I'm talking about

[Orokotikki]

It's been 4 and a half years. I just feel like I've changed my entire life (changed jobs and careers for him).... I don't know how to start over.

Start by moving out and hanging out with your gal friends or finding new hobbies.

 

I work REMOTELY so I could spend more time with him...and now he works non stop.

 

Sucks, but now that can be time you spend first with self care and then finding new relationships.

 

 

he tried to get a new job (he currently owns his own business) and he hasn't gotten hired.

His problem not yours once you get out.

 

 

 

As for the daughter -- I was SO angry and hurt. I haven't told anyone about what I heard.

 

I'm sorry it is super hurtful. You've been heard and I regret she seems as toxic as her father.

 

 

I know my partner would say that I made it up -- and his daughter would deny it.

THIS RIGHT HERE ^^^^ should tell you all you need to know to leave. That is not how a wife or partner should be treated, ever.

 

 

It hurts...

 

 

I know it sucks.

 

 

As for whether or not it is abusive - it certainly sounds like it. Although to me abuse identifies a pattern, not an individual incident, from your description it sounds like this was not some extenuated single incident (such as a harsh outburst after the loss of a family member, etc)..

 

 

An important thing, even if others or a professional wouldn't label it as 'abuse' - its ****ty. And it is enough that it is ****ty for you to leave.

 

 

Best wishes and prayers

[liladavis662]

Thank you --

 

Actually, it's a theme in our relationship. He likes to say that all of the problems are from me. My attitude. My quietness -- My travel for work (which I rarely do anymore).

 

Could you leave just before Valentine's Day? I just don't know how to handle it... I know he's made plans for a massage for us.

Edited February 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[Orokotikki]

If you were my sister I would tell you to have a lease signed on a new apartment (or arrangements to move in with family, etc.) and have a moving truck rented by Saturday and tell him to go stuff himself for Vday and to be your own Valentine.

 

 

Are you OK with how he treats you because if he gets you a massage?

 

 

I know it is all hard and painful, but I wouldn't give him a chance to suck you back in.

[liladavis662]

It's all complicated ---

 

He started taking free lance work near my old home. I still have it because I really wanted to move back there. 2.5 hours away. HE was trying to get a job there -- but wasn't thrilled about it.

 

He didn't get the job -- but started taking this freelance. So we have plans to go stay at my place starting tomorrow....until the weekend.

 

I guess I just deal with it next week...

Edited February 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote of prior post redacted

[RecentChange]

I think you know that this is not how a lasting, healthy and happy marriage starts.

 

If things are already crumbling - marriage will most likely make it all worse.

 

I agree with the other poster, I think you should start making arrangements to extract yourself from the situation. I know it’s a huge let down, emotionally draining etc.

 

But honestly relationships shouldn’t be THIS HARD.

[liladavis662]

I'm just deep in it -- it almost seems like the norm for us now. There are good days that keep me holding on....and obviously there are plenty of bad.

 

It's just that I'm always the one he blames. I don't know too many people who sit on their laptop working from after dinner to 1am in the morning -- and expect their spouse to feel good about it.

 

For the longest time I would just sit with him -- watch TV and drink wine .... and if I fell ASLEEP he would say it was my fault

[Orokotikki]

Gently - everything is always a bit 'complicated' - don't let that become an excuse. Its not that complicated. Not so complicated you can't deal with it as millions do every day.

 

 

Be strong, everyone here send kind thoughts.

 

 

Maybe letting him give you a lackluster and unimpressive Vday will help you break free, which he may well ruin half intentionally - he is not putting much effort into the R from the sounds of things.

 

 

I Wouldn't let him move in or stay in your place with the relationship in such disastrous state. That would be inviting more disaster, entanglement and abuse given his behavior.

[Orokotikki]

I'm just deep in it -- it almost seems like the norm for us now. There are good days that keep me holding on....and obviously there are plenty of bad.

 

It's just that I'm always the one he blames. I don't know too many people who sit on their laptop working from after dinner to 1am in the morning -- and expect their spouse to feel good about it.

 

For the longest time I would just sit with him -- watch TV and drink wine .... and if I fell ASLEEP he would say it was my fault

 

 

This may seem confusing as you probably have some image in your mind as him being some great guy - but people are accountable for their actions and their actions define and show who they are.

 

 

Read your post as if it was from your little sister or a daughter.

 

 

He is not some great catch, just some **** who can and should be replaced because he is not kind enough and invested enough.

[liladavis662]

We have lived together for the past 4 years. I live with him in his house -- majority of the time. And when we are back in my old town -- we stay at my place.

 

We are rarely apart. So yeah -- it will feel like a divorce. Actually probably worse because I spend so much darn time with him. Far more than I ever spent with my ex husband. We both had full time jobs and worked hard and then hung out when off..

 

THIS situation is strange. I just wander and basically follow his lead. I work remotely -- take calls -- I'm pretty much just with him.

 

It's going to be a HUGE change. Hard for me to wrap my head around it.

 

 

Gently - everything is always a bit 'complicated' - don't let that become an excuse. Its not that complicated. Not so complicated you can't deal with it as millions do every day.

 

 

Be strong, everyone here send kind thoughts.

 

 

Maybe letting him give you a lackluster and unimpressive Vday will help you break free, which he may well ruin half intentionally - he is not putting much effort into the R from the sounds of things.

 

 

I Wouldn't let him move in or stay in your place with the relationship in such disastrous state. That would be inviting more disaster, entanglement and abuse given his behavior.

[BTDT2012]

So we have plans to go stay at my place starting tomorrow....until the weekend.

 

 

 

I would suggest you stay at your place after the weekend. You really do need a life outside him. What friends or activities do you have?

[liladavis662]

I feel like it will have to be a complete shut down of communication. I can't do it peace meal. He feels it....and every time I've tried to distance at all -- it's not gone well.

 

I don't have friends or activities outside of him. My life has truly been him....so it will take A LOT of adjustment.

[Orokotikki]

It will be alot of adjustment, huge changes, but not more than you can handle.

Complete NC after breakup does sound best.

[liladavis662]

Maybe I should start another thread on this....not sure what is best given I'm new to this community. I'll try both and delete if needed.

 

My fiance had his house when we first met. It's a pretty custom home he built with his second wife. She moved out about a year before I met him.

 

He is a VERY smart man -- he's a doctor by trade. He is very, very suspicious. He has security cameras in and outside of the house. For the first 2 years he told me things during arguments about what I was doing -- that blew me away.

 

Turns out he was listening to conversations on the house cameras while I was in the house. Even work...anything. He was listening.

 

He would also get notified if I left the house for something and he would randomly text me and ask where I was going.

 

I have been living like this for 4 years. After I finally hit the room enough -- he gave me access to the cameras. But he's constantly recording. He has also told me during fights that he is non stop recording our arguments.

 

 

A couple of times I recorded him on my iPhone screaming at me --so I could have my therapist hear it -- to make sure "I" wasn't crazy.

 

He caught me. He mandates now during a fight that I show him the phone...

to prove i'm not recording him.

 

So bottom line -- in a normal relationship -- how would you feel if your spouse had a nest camera system and watched you while at home? He will be at work -- and just yesterday-- I tried to turn off the camera while I was in the living room.

 

I think he got a notification and I saw that he turned it back on and continued the recording. Again -- I have access to it -- but I NEVER check it. He is constantly watching me or listening in to my conversations.

[liladavis662]

My fiance had his own house when we first met. It's a pretty custom home he built with his second wife. She moved out about a year before I met him. I moved in with him. (I also have my own place, but we live primarily in his home)

 

He is a VERY smart man -- he's a doctor by trade. He is very, very suspicious. He has security cameras in and outside of the house. For the first 2 years he told me things during arguments about what I was doing -- that blew me away.

 

Turns out he was listening to conversations on the house cameras while I was in the house. Even work...anything. He was listening.

 

He would also get notified if I left the house for something and he would randomly text me and ask where I was going.

 

I have been living like this for 4 years. After I finally hit the roof enough -- he gave me access to the cameras. But he's constantly recording. He has also told me during fights that he is non stop recording our arguments.

 

 

A couple of times I recorded him on my iPhone screaming at me --so I could have my therapist hear it -- to make sure "I" wasn't crazy. He always blames me for everything and i've learned he does gaslighting well...telling me what I know to be true -- is false.

 

He caught me. He mandates now during a fight that I show him my phone...

to prove i'm not recording him.

 

So bottom line -- in a normal relationship -- how would you feel if your spouse had a nest camera system and watched you while at home? He will be at work -- and just yesterday-- I tried to turn off the camera while I was in the living room.

 

I think he got a notification and I saw that he turned it back on and continued the recording. Again -- I have access to it -- but I NEVER check it. He is constantly watching me or listening in to my conversations.

 

He does this only when he WANTS to. It's not like he's sitting in an office non stop watching me. But he does monitor me.

 

He told ME that if "I" record him on my iPhone in HIS home -- it's a felony and he could press charges. He's full of crap.

 

We live in Texas -- a 1 party state. I have FULL Ability to record anyone I want to....

[d0nnivain]

You are choosing to let him bully you like this. I wouldn't tolerate it. You are a prisoner & he's nuts. Dollars to donuts this creepy behavior is why his 2nd wife moved out.

[liladavis662]

It may have been one of their problems but I don't think so.

 

I know HE left her -- and it was because she was causing many problems. HOWEVER, I know from his parents -- she was begging him back. Not sure what that means...

 

I just don't think it was the cameras. But -- yeah, I hate that I know everything I'm doing in the living room or foyer (I work from home) is recorded.

 

 

You are choosing to let him bully you like this. I wouldn't tolerate it. You are a prisoner & he's nuts. Dollars to donuts this creepy behavior is why his 2nd wife moved out.

[d0nnivain]

With the daughter issues & the assistant, why do you stay?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He would not be my fiance anymore. Why is this behavior being accepted by you?