Stay married for external reasons or not

[AMarriedMan]

I have found that it's a mix of advice on this board. I think a lot of people don't fully read the posts, or miss key ideas... but on that same token... people typing don't give full detail, or can't convey real intention. (or they are the type that is truly one-sided) Because of that... it may seem that Divorce is often the suggestion.

 

Exactly! The range of quality of answers you get is wide.

 

I've also seen the "Cheating" suspicion come up too often also. For me, the mix of advice isn't really why I was here. I'm a big boy, and am mentally stable, and know what needs done. But to me... this board is simply a place to vent to like minded people, and to find a little hope, and reduce stress in a bad situation.

 

Oh yes, the "the pig must be cheating you, divorce him!" is a staple of relationship advice discussion boards. Sometimes they really are, though.

 

I agree, for the most part. I think a marriage should be fixed if there are no major issues, there ARE kids, and the arguing wasn't a problem. (making it a stressful environment)

 

Conflict is the real issue. Arguing is an external manifestation of it. Having a serious conflict with someone can be really stressful even you are not in that person's presence.

 

The problem is... some people are overly emotional, and don't know how to deal with them. That's where I'm at. My wife one day basically just didn't want to be married to me. We hardly argue, and it was a "Loving" environment for all... although, she says now its was "Forced" by her. I can tell you, it was not.. at least most of the time. She would come to me for hugs and kisses... and in the bedroom, I cold tell when she wasn't really in the mood, but there were a lot of times she was ready, and very willing. (now it's nothing, almost spiteful. I'm starting to wonder who gave her bad advice) Anyway... Now, you have a husband, and 2 kids that are all a little dumbfounded by the situation, and the person causing it really doesn't want to resolve things. (although, that was never who she was in the past)

 

In this case... what is a person to do? You can't force someone to love you, and the entire family is miserable because of the issues.

 

Those people whose personal fulfillment is not dependent on the whole business of reproduction in any shape or form who have other sources of fulfillment are the really lucky ones because they have the luxury of skipping the whole thing. Most of us want relationships not only because of the sex and intimacy but also because those things are the only things most people find meaning and purpose in.

 

In my case, I didn't start this mess, but I have no control over it. she is the one who has to make the choice on what will ultimately happen. For me, I will love my kids, and I will move on because I have no choice. It's not an easy place to be but what can be done?

 

It may be too early to think about it but after the dust settles, do you think you'd be willing to remarry?

[Blind-Sided]

It may be too early to think about it but after the dust settles, do you think you'd be willing to remarry?

100% Absolutely. The bond between 2 people, and the emotion of trust and love is a wonderful thing.

 

In my case... it's not over. (Yet) She started the mess... but in all of this, she will not say, "Divorce", "Separate", or "It's over". She's on some new meds, and who knows... she may pull her head out of her butt, and start to think logically again. As of now, her arguments are purely based in emotion, and to be blunt... her rebuttals when talking are those of a 14 year old, and it seems like she wants to be mad for the sake of being mad.

 

Also, because she started it... she has to be the one to end it. (one way or another) I think she may be pushing me to make the emotional stance, and to end it... but something wonderful happened the other day. I came to the realization that I was simply along for the ride, and she was feeding into my misery. (There were a few points that I went over mentally) And all of the sudden... I was no longer sad. I went from a crying mess to a well adjusted state. I also told myself I will stay this way to keep everything good or the kids, and the household. In turn, I think that is making her upset. (but not the goal)

 

But... if it does end, I will take some time to recoup, establish my own life, and then I will be open to any new possibilities.

Edited February 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[vla1120]

I will never marry unless I'm certain it's forever. Which probably means I'll never marry, but I'm okay with that.

 

That was my belief, too. I DID marry forever. In fact, while I don't like most of what that radio therapist says (I forget her name, Laura someone), I did agree that there were ever only three reasons to get divorced, abuse (physical or sever psychological), infidelity, or drug/alcohol addiction. I had the infidelity as a valid excuse, but still stayed for 32 years. I went into the first marriage thinking it was forever. I went into the second marriage believing I was doing the right thing for a dying man. No more marriage for me. I do hope to find someone with whom I can share my morning coffee, talk about world events, and share a few happy moments, but I do not need a marriage certificate for that.

 

Wait. Did I just confirm your stance for you? I meant to say I am sure marriage can be wonderful, with the right person.

[pepperbird]

honestly, it seems like so often people get married/divorced because they are constantly searching for a way to "be happy". The problem is, they don't know what "happiness" really means to them.

 

 

 

My brother is like that. He's handsome, a world traveler, well educated, owns a consulting company and also works as a VP at another large corporation, all told pulling in over seven figures a year. He's got several homes, a couple of boats, fancy cars etc. .He's got all the trappings of what we are told is needed to be "happy".

He's anything but. He's been married twice, cheated in both relationships and his second wife was also sleeping around behind his back. He's now started a third long term relationship.

 

He is desperately, incredibly unhappy and very, very lonely, as he tells me.

 

His first marriage produced two kids, and even though it hurt their mom and them, he felt he needed to chase "happiness" and asked for a divorce so he could marry the woman he was sleeping with behind her back. They got married, and that three ring circus sham of a relationship plodded along, making both miserable. His second wife also had two kids, and in their never ending pursuit of "happiness", he and his second wife spent so much time away that they basically missed much of their growing up. He'd breeze into town, spend a bunch of money, take them on some fancy trip and be gone again.

 

 

His kids are grown and gone and now he's regretting not being there, married or divorced. He'll often talk about how he should have stayed with his first wife and tried harder to make it work instead of bolting the first time things got tough for them. Funny enough, he and his first wife are friends now, but she won't get involved with him romantically again. He often asks me the secret to me being happy, even though we sometimes face tough times. I don't know the answer, I just am.

[oldtruck]

Is his first wife single? How old are they?

Edited February 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Turning point]

... don't you think most people get married hoping it's forever?

 

No. Today I think society is very different. Marriage used to be an economic arrangement, a mutual path forward in life or society, or even survival.

 

Now that we (supposedly) marry for "love" the playing field is a turkey shoot for grifters, gold-diggers, con-artists, and social climbers of all kinds. There's also the issue of buyer's remorse where even people with a good life, believe they deserve a better life. I'm happy but, I should be happier.

 

Society has essentially applied Capitalism to relationships, and it's further enabled by an egregious court system and "no fault" divorce which is nothing more than unilateral divorce in which one party uses the power of the state to turn the other's life upside down.

[AMarriedMan]

<snip>

Society has essentially applied Capitalism to relationships, and it's further enabled by an egregious court system and "no fault" divorce which is nothing more than unilateral divorce in which one party uses the power of the state to turn the other's life upside down.

 

It's further complicated by the fact that there are many kinds of love. The ancient Greek recognized, I think, seven different kinds of love. Some of those kinds of love are experienced by a couple during the course of their relationship at different stages but not all of them last or are even meant to last. People have been sold relationship ideals that meet reality quite poorly. For instance, it is quite normal for the erotic flame to go out as decades pass particularly if it weren't terribly strong to begin with. Average people just aren't very hot in each other's eyes in particular because hotter alternatives are seemingly omnipresent.

 

It is no surprise that marriage is unraveling in the developed world. How could it not, given how it is commonly defined in our time. We predicate a union ostensibly meant to last for a lifetime on nothing else but something as fickle as erotic passions. That, I submit, is not realism.

Edited February 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Turning point]

I don't think erotic love is doomed as a matter of course. Like that old song, "I loved her more today than yesterday," and there was really no end to that - until she exposed her true intention.

 

For me it was a choice. Throughout the years I chose to look for her through all the things I was grateful for rather than the things that might irk me. I chose to see her with respect to all the things that attracted me to her in the first place. I really never lost any of those feelings and I continued to grow more secure in my choice and commitment with every passing year.

 

However, that's not at all who she was. When the mask slipped there was a very different kind of person who had been lurking and working behind the scenes all along. Her handful of paramours had all been equally shaken' down in turn. When it comes to exploitation - a marriage can be a very convenient fortification from which to wage a campaign. We have created a society and legal system that enables and promotes the worst of human behavior.

[AMarriedMan]

I don't think erotic love is doomed as a matter of course. Like that old song, "I loved her more today than yesterday," and there was really no end to that - until she exposed her true intention.<snip>

 

Erotic love is basically wanting to **** someone. Betrayal can certainly put a damper on that, too, but the kind of love you're describing does not sound like it. It doesn't sound like you were describing eros but philia.

 

Erotic love tends to weaken between a couple with the passage of time. It is gradually weakened by familiarity, routine and boredom. The only thing a couple can do to strengthen the erotic love they feel toward each other is exploring novelty together.

 

However, that's not at all who she was. When the mask slipped there was a very different kind of person who had been lurking and working behind the scenes all along. Her handful of paramours had all been equally shaken' down in turn. When it comes to exploitation - a marriage can be a very convenient fortification from which to wage a campaign. We have created a society and legal system that enables and promotes the worst of human behavior.

Absolutely. But this topic has been about what to do when the flame goes out or when all but pragmatic reasons to say together have ceased to exist. Edited February 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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