d0nnivain Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 How will he be homeless? He's getting $$ from the sale right? Why can't get a hotel or long term Airbnb? Hell if it comes down to it, you get him an Airbnb for 1 week so he has a roof over his head. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Why don’t you send him houses for rent off of Zillow? This way you’d have done your part in helping. Send him ones near them, not you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 How will he be homeless? He's getting $$ from the sale right? Why can't get a hotel or long term Airbnb? Hell if it comes down to it, you get him an Airbnb for 1 week so he has a roof over his head. I agree with this. The real meaning of being homeless must’ve gotten lost somewhere because I doubt any homeless person has ever received a substantial amount of money and still chose to live under the freeway. Don’t let anyone put you on a guilt trip about this. They’re taking all the joy out of you getting your new home. The guy’s an entitled brat and he’s learning the hard facts of life. He’ll either get over it or not. It’s not your responsibility to coddle him when he’s perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Everyone in the family is really over-dramatizing the whole thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Saunya Line Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 He's had plenty of time to find a place to go so if he is homeless it's his fault. He made the cardboard box now he gotta lay in it. Congrats on your new home. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 He will not be homeless! Do you really think someone with a total lack of initiative has the resourcefulness it takes to live on the streets? He's trying to manipulate you all and I would not fall for it. He will secure something on his own even if he hates doing so. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Well, when the house is sold and the new owners have the key in their hands, they’ll call the law and have this numbskull removed. This will probably result in him going to jail for a few days. Homeless problem solved. ? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 I cannot even imagine the backlash I will get from MIL and the rest of my husband's family for saying no if BIL is out on the streets. I will never hear the end of it. Again, none of the repercussions, real or imagined, should fall on you for one very simple reason - this is your husband's battle to fight. If someone says "that @!&^%# Kenay2009 won't let BIL live with them", his response should be "this was my decision and this discussion is over"... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kenay2009 Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 Why don’t you send him houses for rent off of Zillow? This way you’d have done your part in helping. Send him ones near them, not you. Oh, we have both tried to get him to look at places. I've sent listings of houses and apartments to both MIL and BIL. He says he doesn't want to talk about it because he will not be moving. Guy's in complete denial. *shrugs* MIL, I guess, is afraid to keep bringing up the apartment/house hunting process to BIL because BIL flips out. Guy's in complete denial. I had a talk with the husband today, told him I won't be discussing this topic anymore with him or anyone in his family. Told him I am 120% against living with BIL and explained my reasoning behind why I am uncomfortable with the idea (surprised it even needed explaining, tbh). Husband said he promises me BIL won't be moving in and that he understands where I'm coming from. I guess I will see if he really does understand come BIL's moving day. I am not completely secure in the fact that he won't give into MIL and BIL's demands. If he does go against my wishes, we will have a whole other more serious problem pertaining to our marriage and I made that crystal clear. This is just not something I am going to negotiate. I'm usually an understanding and patient person, but I will not put my own safety at risk because BIL refuses to face reality. Thank you for your advice & support, everyone. I appreciate it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Glad you spoke to him! Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 MIL created this problem, so she can fix it. If she indeed will be giving him money, he wont be homeless unless he wants to be. Its time for BIL to start taking care of himself. Sad that its taken something like this, as it wont be easy for him, but it probably should have been done years ago. At least now he will have money in his pocket, and he can get a hotel room or rent an apartment. In any event, do not make it your problem. Do not let your husband care more about what happens to him than your BIL does himself. Keep your doors locked! Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Oh, we have both tried to get him to look at places. I've sent listings of houses and apartments to both MIL and BIL. He says he doesn't want to talk about it because he will not be moving. Guy's in complete denial. *shrugs* MIL, I guess, is afraid to keep bringing up the apartment/house hunting process to BIL because BIL flips out. Guy's in complete denial. I had a talk with the husband today, told him I won't be discussing this topic anymore with him or anyone in his family. Told him I am 120% against living with BIL and explained my reasoning behind why I am uncomfortable with the idea (surprised it even needed explaining, tbh). Husband said he promises me BIL won't be moving in and that he understands where I'm coming from. I guess I will see if he really does understand come BIL's moving day. I am not completely secure in the fact that he won't give into MIL and BIL's demands. If he does go against my wishes, we will have a whole other more serious problem pertaining to our marriage and I made that crystal clear. This is just not something I am going to negotiate. I'm usually an understanding and patient person, but I will not put my own safety at risk because BIL refuses to face reality. Thank you for your advice & support, everyone. I appreciate it. The conversation you had with your husband is exactly the conversation your husband needs to have with his mother. He needs to tell his mother in no uncertain terms that his brother will not be moving into his house. That he is 120% against it and that the discussion is now closed. Has he done that? Because so far you have said that your husband agrees with you and that he promises you his brother won't move in but it kind of sounds like he is still having discussions with his mother about the possibility. That needs to stop and he needs to shut those conversations down. Also your husband needs to make it clear that he also doesn't want his brother to move in. If he's giving his family the impression that he'd be okay with it if it weren't for you then that's really a problem. You and he need to be a United front. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Keep your doors locked! Is that to keep out the waffling husband, unstable BIL or over-entitled MIL? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 It sounds like the family is in denial of the BIL’s mental health issues. It sounds like he needs help. However, that is not your problem. When I first clicked on the thread I assumed he was mentally disabled, but since that is not the case he is MIL’s problem—she is the parent, not you. My son IS mentally disabled but I would only expect my other children to take him in after the money was gone for assisted living and I was dead. Since no one has ever told BIL no, he’s digging in his heels to get his way. If she’s willing to walk out of the house without him, why the hell should you have to take him? What? Even if he wasn’t violent, you are right to set the tone right now by saying no and sticking to it—don’t let your husband waffle on this. Spend the money to offer a hotel for a few days if necessary but don’t let him stay with you. Don’t let MIL or him manipulate you. If you cave it will never, ever end. Sorry you’re dealing with this by the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kenay2009 Posted February 23, 2019 Author Share Posted February 23, 2019 Well, it seems BIL has faced reality and understands he will need to move come closing date. However, it also seems now he is whining and bitching about how he won't have (enough) money for a place to move on the day he must move (new owner's closing date). Because MIL is not receiving her money from the house sale until the actual closing date, BIL will not get his share of the house sale money until a few weeks later. This leaves BIL money-less and without the financial means to secure a place to live until after he has received his money from MIL. So, now, we are being asked if we can take him in for TWO weeks or so, until he receives his portion of the money and can use it to find a place. *rolls eyes*. So, it went from taking him in permanently to now taking him in for a few weeks until he has the means to get a place of his own. I am not an idiot and I know where this is leading. BIL will definitely overstay his two-week stay and we will end up housing and caring for this guy for God knows how long or until I get so completely fed up that I just kick his ass out. He lacks motivation so I know he will not be looking for a place of his own even after he does receive his share of the house sale money. Why would he when he has a comfy place to live where he's still catered for like a little child? Yet again, I said NO. I am really sticking to my guns. I will not lie though, I do feel somewhat guilty about this. My husband says that he has told his mom that we're united on the "NO". However, I have a feeling he secretly is putting the blame on me in fear of his mom giving him a hard time. I have not talked to her in a few weeks (intentionally) and have avoided her because of all of this. I really don't feel like explaining my decision to her nor do I feel like I should have to. I don't understand why BIL can't just *temporarily* live with MIL and SIL until he finds a place. If he is only going to take a few weeks to get a place of his own then what's the problem and why can't they take him in instead of us? SIL does not even want her own brother living there, so that really says something. I am not sure what to do, but it is leaning toward me giving hubby an ultimatum. I do not want to do that, but I am so extremely tired of dealing with this. Between stressing about things getting settled before OUR closing date and packing up things to move, I really don't have the patience to also be worrying about what BIL is going to do or where he is going to live. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 Be the gracious person & make up his financial shortfall. Get him to sign an IOU if you must. No matter how much is cost, it's a small price to pay to get out of having to live with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 Be the gracious person & make up his financial shortfall. Get him to sign an IOU if you must. No matter how much is cost, it's a small price to pay to get out of having to live with him. Oh heck NO. She will never get a penny of it back. And this really has become a matter of principle. Cave now in any way, and that messed up family will come back with their hands out for the next 40 years. They need to stay out of OP's pockets. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 Oh heck NO. She will never get a penny of it back. And this really has become a matter of principle. Cave now in any way, and that messed up family will come back with their hands out for the next 40 years. They need to stay out of OP's pockets. Of course she won't get it back Principles are expensive. Given the alternatives: BIL moving in vs. footing the bill for the movers . . . the movers are waaaayyyyy less expensive especially emotionally. I once paid an EX $500 to move out of my home. Best money I ever spent & waaaayyyy better than having him hanging around longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Do not let him move in!!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!! If you have to, get him a motel room for a couple of weeks. But do NOT....puhleeeeeeesssee....let him move in with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 Be the gracious person & make up his financial shortfall. If you have to, get him a motel room for a couple of weeks. Agreed, you might have to cover some cost to solve this problem. But it would certainly be money well-spent - you're the good guys, husband satisfies the family and life goes on. No one will be able to say you didn't do your part... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 Given the alternatives: BIL moving in vs. footing the bill for the movers . . . the movers are waaaayyyyy less expensive especially emotionally. Don't present this as if those are the only 2 options. Here's another: say NO and live your own life, shutting down all attempts to make you in any way responsible for a grown ass man. This gets my vote. If OP pays even a dime, the MIL and BIL now know that she will eventually give in to their ridiculous demands. Yes, principles are expensive, but the cost for OP should be in steeling her nerves to keep saying NO until they stop asking. Not paying them hush money. The difference between this situation and your ex is that THIS relationship will not cease to exist once the immediate problem goes away. OP will have to deal with these crazy leeches for the rest of her life. If she caves in any way now, they will double down on the demands. It's a zero sum game at this point. OP is establishing boundaries with people who will take a mile if given an inch. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 Probably but remember her HUSBAND is not on board with standing up to HIS family. I offered a path of least resistance. If she takes the hard line you recommend it may cost the OP her marriage. Only she knows what price is too high. Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 I assume the MIL is moving in with her D, not her DIL. So that means that the sister/SIL will not take in her own brother. That says a lot and serves as a warning not to take in her BIL. I agree do not even take in her BIL for 2 weeks. He will never leave. If the OP can afford it she can offer to pay one weeks stay in a moderately priced local motel. As a one time gift. Do not use their own credit card to avoid problems if BIL damages or over stays there. If the OP cannot really afford she can have her MIL and BIL agree that as soon as MIL receives the money for the sale of her house, the MIL must directly pay the OP directly from whatever the MIL was going to give to the BIL. Example: OP pays directly to the motel $500 for the BIL to stay in a motel for 1 week. MIL was going to give the BIL $20,000. So MIL hands over a check and directly pays OP $500 And MIL hands over a check to BIL $19,500. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 Don't present this as if those are the only 2 options. Here's another: say NO and live your own life, shutting down all attempts to make you in any way responsible for a grown ass man. This gets my vote. If OP pays even a dime, the MIL and BIL now know that she will eventually give in to their ridiculous demands. Yes, principles are expensive, but the cost for OP should be in steeling her nerves to keep saying NO until they stop asking. Not paying them hush money. The difference between this situation and your ex is that THIS relationship will not cease to exist once the immediate problem goes away. OP will have to deal with these crazy leeches for the rest of her life. If she caves in any way now, they will double down on the demands. It's a zero sum game at this point. OP is establishing boundaries with people who will take a mile if given an inch. I disagree. This fight isn't about principles and isn't about money. It's about not having the brother in law move in and keeping peace in the family. Having principles and boundaries doesn't mean you have to be inflexible and unwilling to compromise. There's more to life than being right. Standing on the moral high ground and yelling down to those you consider beneath you doesn't usually turn out very well when dealing with people in our family. My stepfather was like that. He'd fight to the death just so he could cling to his lofty principles, not caring who he alienated or hurt in the process. OP I think the suggestion to pay his first month's rent is a reasonable one. He won't pay you back but his mother is getting the money first so she can pay you back from his share of the sale. If worse comes to worse and she doesn't pay you back, you still win because you've helped your BIL without having to let him move in and you have put an end to this argument. My rule when helping people with loans is that I don't give more than I can afford to lose and if you promised to pay me back but don't then I don't give again. There is no drama about it. There are no crazy leeches hounding me for the rest of my life as predicted above. If I loan out money and don't get paid back then it's a hard no to any more loans. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 I assume the MIL is moving in with her D, not her DIL. So that means that the sister/SIL will not take in her own brother. That says a lot and serves as a warning not to take in her BIL. If the SIL were posting, she might say "I'm already taking in MIL. How many family members should I support?" As has been suggested, the OP can help in ways that don't cross her boundaries or invade her privacy. Always best with family to consider everyone's feelings, whether you agree or not. It gets especially tricky with in-laws because your spouse is in the middle ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 If the SIL were posting, she might say "I'm already taking in MIL. How many family members should I support?" Yes, the SIL cannot be expected to take in both whilst her brother gets off scot free... I guess the MIL is going nowhere fast and may need increasing care and attention as she gets older. Daughters and mothers can have very strained and testing relationships too, the MIL may not be the easy option here. Saying this, the BIL sounds like a complete nightmare and the OP is correct to want nothing to do with him. Family members moving in, even nice, biddable ones, can still ruin marriages. Link to post Share on other sites
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