do dumpers feel guilt or regret or sad

[soloman]

ive been trying to save my relationship and i want to know, since i have never dumped someone in my life, or got my ex back. ever

 

if youve dumped someone, and then uve been dumped, and read the countless ex back advice online, do you think if your ex would have put any of that stuff forward. do you think you would of taken your ex back, or is it just a bunch of crap?

also would like to know if anyone has gotten their ex back, or made a mistake dumping their ex.

 

what made you want them back. what would of worked if they tried to get you back. would made you realise that you loved them . and that they werent so bad after all.

im trying to figure out if i should just do nothing at all , and i know i can or should just move on, but those arnt the type of answers im looking for,

 

so please. share your opinion about the bolded high lights , thanks.

[Happy Lemming]

Yes, I've been dumped (numerous times)...

 

A few times the woman called me up some time later and asked about getting back together. If I went back, the problems were still there and we only lasted (on average) six months or so.

 

There was only one instance where a woman dumped me, we got back together and things worked out for a while. We were doing great, then a family emergency came up and she had to move half way across the country. Under the circumstances, I told her she should go help her family and we said "good-bye" again, but this time there was no hate or anger.

 

In my opinion, 99% of the time it never works out to go back or take someone back after a breakup.

 

Dating is supposed to be fun, if you are not having fun and forcing yourself to try to stay in an unhappy relationship... DON'T. Its not fair to you or the other person.

 

Just my two cents...

[RecentChange]

I have never for a moment wanted any ex’s back that I have broken up with.

 

Further, I don’t know anyone who has had an “on again, off again” relationship that proved to be healthy not enduring.

 

One of the most important things a couple needs for success are conflicting resolution skills - that and a love and compatibility so strong the couple is willing to tackle all hurdles TOGETHER.

 

Without that - they won’t pass the test of time. The hardships and curve balls life throws.

 

As long as one partner has the ability, the inclination to just walk away from the other - that will never be a secure loving relationship.

 

It would always nag at you - don’t slip up or she will leave. It will leave you walking on eggshells and prevent both of you from beings your authentic selves.

 

Don’t try to beg for someone to come back to you. If it was meant to be, they would have never been able to walk away

[amaysngrace]

Usually by the time I’m breaking up with someone I’ve already decided I’m better off without them so I don’t usually want them back. I had time to mentally move on.

 

When you’re the one getting dumped it’s more of a surprise so it’s like a raw wound and the one dumping already has a scab.

[lovesflame]

This is a great question.

I think it depends on the situation but here's my story.

My daughter's mom and I were in love and fast then she was pregnant quick within 2 months. I thought we would get married. Afterwards she become mentally unstable.

Drinking all day even while breastfeeding.

I had to go. It wasn't easy leaving my family but i did it. Living on friends couches with my daughter but it was all worth it.

I left her immediately for someone else.

Nothing on earth would have brought me back.

 

My next ex the one I dumped we were back and forth so many times I can't count all she had to do was say sorry. When I finally broke up offically and she punched me in the face and I smashed her new tv. Then she cut herself with a kitchen knife that was the end.

Now I want my ex back because it was healthy (for once) but she's not around.

So I know I'm no help. But I'm truthful. And there's no telling what makes someone come back.

The advice is good but it's up to them. Their heart their mind their beliefs all of them.

[d0nnivain]

All the on line stuff about get your EX back is a bunch of crap. If there is a fee associated with the advice, it's simply a gimmick designed to prey on desperate fools & part them from their money.

 

The time to nurture a relationship is while you are in it. If the other person isn't responding to your overtures & they want out, you had no control over that any way. If you were being a jerk in the relationship, recognize your own shortcomings & don't engage in those behaviors in your next relationship. If your needs aren't being met, evaluate why & figure out if it's fixable; then fix it if you can & walk with no regrets if you can't.

[nolanola]

I've been on both sides of dumping. I have gotten back together with exes and sometimes it's "worked" (meaning we dated happily for a long time after) and sometimes not (we broke up again very soon after and were worse off than before). In the first case, I was the dumper and in the second case I was the dumpee. I also know a number of people who have reconciled with people they broke up with (see story below). I totally think people can get back together, but I think it's more likely when a significant amount of time has passed, like years. After a relationship ends, there are a lot of feelings and that takes time to sort out and soften. Then, whatever was the issue in the relationship has to change. If this is something fundamental about one person (doesn't want to settle down, doesn't want kids, wants to play the field, whatever), this is not going to change overnight. That person has to grow and decide they want to change that part of themselves. So it's almost like the couple has to wait enough time that they start fresh with each other.

 

A family friend of mine was dating a man for about a year. It was getting somewhat serious and she adored him. They went to a wedding and when they came home she noticed he was acting weird. A few days later, he broke up with her. I'm not sure if she knew the reason, but she accepted it and basically went NC right away, although I think they talked on the phone once right after. He started dating someone else very soon and she was devastated. She tried to date other people but couldn't get over him. After some time, he broke up with the newer woman. A year later, she got tickets to a concert and decided that she wanted to go with him. She called him, they went to the concert and got married a few months later. They've been married for around 20 years now.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I have been the dumper.

 

In both cases, it came after talks to try to make things better and a lot of reflection. So when I finally ended it, it was not out of the blue nor a decision that I regretted.

 

One ex did try to make promises to change and tried to pull out all the stops after we split, but it was too late. It wasn't my intention to punish him by rejecting these advances but my feelings for him had changed so much that I was simply not interested romantically anymore.

[brent878]

I have never for a moment wanted any ex’s back that I have broken up with.

 

Further, I don’t know anyone who has had an “on again, off again” relationship that proved to be healthy not enduring.

 

One of the most important things a couple needs for success are conflicting resolution skills - that and a love and compatibility so strong the couple is willing to tackle all hurdles TOGETHER.

 

Without that - they won’t pass the test of time. The hardships and curve balls life throws.

 

As long as one partner has the ability, the inclination to just walk away from the other - that will never be a secure loving relationship.

 

It would always nag at you - don’t slip up or she will leave. It will leave you walking on eggshells and prevent both of you from beings your authentic selves.

 

Don’t try to beg for someone to come back to you. If it was meant to be, they would have never been able to walk away

 

This is very true. Being in a situation where your partner's feelings are so weak and fickle and precarious that one or two slip-ups lead to it ending again is a disaster.

[Bromeo]

I have never for a moment wanted any ex’s back that I have broken up with.

 

Further, I don’t know anyone who has had an “on again, off again” relationship that proved to be healthy not enduring.

 

One of the most important things a couple needs for success are conflicting resolution skills - that and a love and compatibility so strong the couple is willing to tackle all hurdles TOGETHER.

 

Without that - they won’t pass the test of time. The hardships and curve balls life throws.

 

As long as one partner has the ability, the inclination to just walk away from the other - that will never be a secure loving relationship.

 

It would always nag at you - don’t slip up or she will leave. It will leave you walking on eggshells and prevent both of you from beings your authentic selves.

 

Don’t try to beg for someone to come back to you. If it was meant to be, they would have never been able to walk away

 

This is exactly what happened to me, and is completely true. The leaving, eggshells, chasing, the works. Scars as a result.

 

Love is supposed to be calm, warm, and safe. Anyone who thinks the roller coaster is preferable is either in the middle of it, or has never experienced a loving partner.

[soloman]

my ex doesnt seem guilty , sad , or regretful. just angry.

 

i guess im more curious about relationships that werent that bad, like say if the dumper left you because of boredum. or if they were just being shady, talking or texting other men. or even if they started liking someone and chose that person over you.

 

i dont know if this is my case,

 

did all those memories over the past years from their relationship really just vanish into thin air?

 

do exes really just forgot about you and that bond that you two shared?

 

me and my ex had so many memories. but for some reason she is stuck on our past fights and arguements. things that are irrelivant and have been for a while.

 

im really sad because my ex is just mean. she doesnt seem to care about anything anymore.

 

i tried to work things out but she just wont , she is stuck to believe that im a terrible person. and that she made the decision to walk away because she cant handle our relationship. at some points it seemed like she resented me because she had to work and help pay bills, but there could be a deeper root to the problem.

 

she flat out told me that she doesnt want me in her life. and shes going to put a stop to any interactions with me unless it has something to do with our child.

 

i told her it hurts, n that i dont want this, but its almost like shes getting a high from seeing me in pain.

 

will she ever realize how shes treating me, or does she know how she is treating me .

 

so im trying to move on but i feel just shattered inside. i feel like im losing a part of myself. and my heart has been aching for a long time.

 

she has become so cold and bitter and angry and distant and indifferent so fast. its like what happened!

 

 

[lovesflame]

Hey soloman. Been a minute hope you doing ok everything considered.

Well I think that she has a variety of emotions but she is expressing them through anger only. You know her better than I do but some people are only comfortable expressing anger and not other feelings.

I can tell you a story from my life about my daughter's mom at first she wanted me back badly and the only way I knew was that I overheard a conversation she was having with someone else and our conversation had not hung up. But I was with someone else and was not interested because it was a horrible break up with her having a mental breakdown.

Anyways then she worked to destory my life. She filled a fake cps report on my new girlfriend and a reatraining order against me and she even kidnapped my daughter for 2 weeks until I found where she was and told the police.

Ok my point is anger was all she could express.

Believe it or not 7 years later we are friendly and she's a good mom now and we co parent.

 

My point is some poeple are so hurt they lash out in hatred but they don't hate u inside truly. She even apologized one day. But right now you're in a horrible spot and I feel for you.

 

Things will change hopefully and you get a parenting arrangements worked out.

 

But usually breakups aren't like that usually exes feel many emotions not just anger. Honestly be happy she's gone tbh.

 

Also bro check out my latest post too. I could use your take on it. I sent my ex Valentine's flowers today smh. Idk why?? I can't get over her.

[Redhead14]

Break ups involve a grieving process and both parties go through a range of emotional stages and go back and forth between them. Anger is where she's at right now. Some people stay in the anger stage for a while or go back to it often because . . .

 

Anger is usually the "default" response for a lot of people to overwhelming emotions. Anger is often "easier" to deal with than sadness, guilt, whatever, the feelings are. And, yes, dumpers often feel sad, bad, guilty, etc. Breaking up is hard to do even for the dumpers usually. It's difficult to realize and accept that the person they are moving on from isn't who/what they hoped for or just didn't meet their vision for a future, etc.

[loversquarrel]

I did. I loved one of the women I broke up with but I had to because she hurt me pretty badly. It sucks and I still think about her at times even though it's been years since the last time I saw or heard from her.

[fieldoflavender]

They sometimes cope by trying to hang onto you and asking you to spend time with them in a platonic way. That's more because they truly have a hard time letting go and that is their problem, not yours.

 

I also have a hard time understanding why anyone would want a constant reminder of your own bad decisions in choosing a bad relationship - that's why I would never want to see the person again.

 

It's one thing if there's just zero chemistry mutually - I can see how you can be friends. If there was an actual relationship, the best thing is to just seriously never talk to each other ever again.

 

But I think they do little things to help their own perceived guilt or whatever.

 

In a way, it's nicer to be a dumpee when you wanted out. Then you don't have to be fake nice and pretend you wanna be friends and all that bull - you can straight out just imply you want them out of your life forever.

[lolita888]

I think it depends on how your relationship was when it was still the two of you. If that person ended up enduring a lot (your attitude, mood etc) while you're still together and endured until they had enough then they will not feel guilty at all.

 

I had a very controlling bf, back when we were just new I always felt bad breaking up with him. So we went on and off relationship for years. But then I've got so tired of him and when I finally felt like I can live without him and won't miss him at all - I decided to break up with him. He questioned me and blamed me and accused me of cheating and having another man. To be honest, I would've gotten angry and argue with him and prove him he was wrong but I was already so tired of always arguing with him so I didn't care anymore whatever he was thinking of. I want out of that relationship, so I cut him out without explaining and blocked him and went on NC.

 

I had a bf who have been so kind with me and been together with for years. Every time I broke up with him it makes me really feel bad. But I fell out of love with him and I think it was the same for him. We love each other but not in love with each other. But due to attachment we had with each other it was so hard to just suddenly quit it. So we decided not NC is a bad idea for both of us. So we stayed in contact and stayed as friends but makes sure we still keep some privacy.