How can our relationship survive his PTA? ***Updated***

[LostInRadio]

PTA, post traumatic amnesia. I stumbled across this forum, I don't know if its the right place to post but I'm going to give it a shot because I've read every single medical site and study on the internet, but right now (maybe selfishly) its my relationship I want to talk about.

 

3 Feb 2019, our lives turned upside down. My(f26) fiance(m25) had a pretty major accident! They gave him cpr twice, he survived but they had to put him in an induced coma, which he stayed in for 5 days.

 

He woke up 4 days ago. He didn't recognise me.

We've been together about 2 years, and he didn't recognise me.

It's about a 3-4 year blank he has (which the doctors told me over and over was quite normal, its incredibly unlikely his memory won't return, he's lucky with the injuries he's got away with and lots of people experience this).

 

But it doesn't make it easier.

 

We've always been so different him and I. I am shy, not once I know someone but with new people I am, in general I'm just really reserved and contained. He is loud, centre of attention, the embodiment of the 'class clown'. I've never met anyone more open with his heart.

He's such a flirt, but in a silly way, he asked me so many times to go out with him (like everytime I saw him) but always in a jokey way, I though he was a bit of a ladies man. I only went out with him in the end because all my friends kept on telling me he likes me SO much (I'm very thankful to them for that), it took me by complete surprise that we clicked so much!

 

He's so affectionate! In all the ways that would of made me roll my eyes if you'd told me before i met him, but truth is no ones ever made me feel as safe and secure, or as loved as he does!

 

Day 1: We had a bad start because all her was doing over and over was asking for his cousin. When I told him that he had passed away (back before we even met) he basically had a panic attack. He didn't even want to see me then

 

Day 2: His late cousins fiance came to visit him. He obviously didn't remember his little godson, but he did remember her! He lit up at seeing her! I feel like whatever I tell him about his life or our relationship he looks at me like he doubts what I'm saying. Whereas whatever she said he just seemed to take for gospel!

Hardest thing I heard him say: "She's a pretty girl, but not my type as such" ... I should of had an Oscar for walking into that room with a smile, with my heart shattered into thousand pieces! That's a sentence I. Cannot. Get. Out. Of. My. Head.

Although she did tell him in reply that that was a good thing, lol, and that apparently he told her before she met me that I was 'the one'. He was more keen to talk to her about our relationship than to me, less pressure I guess.

 

Day 3: He started remembering bits and pieces. When his rugby team come to visit him and keep pressuring him to remember things he doesn't he took my hand. I took this as a good sign, he might not remember me but obviously he does get some comfort from my being there.

 

Day 4 (today): I had this idea to help him remember.

When we began dating Ronan Keating - This I Promise You, played on the radio, I cynically referred to it as the kind of ridiculous over romanticised tune that only exists in a chick flick. 5 months or so later, it played when we were out shopping and he sung it too me in the middle of a department store!! That is the kind of public stunt that would make me die with embarrassment.... yet somehow, with him, his unashamed confidence just rubs off! These two little old ladies clapped him, its something we've always laughed about. He proposed with that same song last new years eve (he is Mr Cheese) and even has those words engraved inside the ring.

It means something to us! He had to remember it!

And it worked. I played the song and he looked at me (looked at me the way he used to for the first time since waking up) and went "we danced", "there was other people there, but they werent dancing".

I was SO happy!! And for this amazing moment we reconnected and it was perfect. And then it was over, that was all he remembered, and I didnt know what else to say to him.

___________________________________________________

 

I know its early days.

I know that we have been incredibly lucky (god I only have to look at others in that hospital wing to know that).

He's acing all the tests theyre doing and theyre even starting to talk about a discharge plan....... and that scares the hell out of me!

 

I don't know what to say to him. We have this weird relationship but at least we both know what it consists of at the moment, I go visit him in the morning for a couple of hours, I ask him what he'd like me to bring him back, I go back to the hospital at about 3pm and stay there for a few hours.

I don't know what to do if he comes home still not remembering!? Do we live in our house like strangers? Would he even want to come home with me? All these questions go round and round in my head.

 

And heres the biggie, that I feel I can't ask anyone because its not medical at all and feels SO SELFISH:

What if he remembers, but thats not enough? What if he doesn't love me the same? Or worse, what if he does, but by the time he does i've built my walls 20ft high again!!

 

I'm trying SO hard not to do that! I know its not HIM doing it, but every time i feel rejected I can't help but back off a little.

[d0nnivain]

When you want to back off double down & move toward him.

 

You call him your FI. That means you were planning a wedding. Most wedding vows include "for better or worse" "in sickness & in health" "in good times & in bad". Sadly this is worse, sickness & bad but you have to live those ideals.

 

Have faith that you can love him through this or woo him back to falling in love with you all over again Watch some bad Hallmark & Lifetimes movies & other sappy romances about other couples who made it through amnesia.

[BaileyB]

And heres the biggie, that I feel I can't ask anyone because its not medical at all and feels SO SELFISH:

What if he remembers, but thats not enough? What if he doesn't love me the same? Or worse, what if he does, but by the time he does i've built my walls 20ft high again!!.

 

First things first, let me say that I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It is obviously extremely stressful and I hope for continued recovery...

 

But oh my goodness, you have to get a hold of yourself!!: You are trying to fight tomorrow’s battles, today... and you need to stop that.

 

It’s been less than 10 days, he was in a medically induced coma for five of those days... he has had a significant head injury... and as upsetting as this is for you, do you appreciate how unreasonable it is for you to expect him to be “well.” His recovery will be a marathon, not a sprint. Prepare yourself.

 

Please don’t be angry at me when I say - this is not about you! Listen to the doctors, give him time to heal, and stop pressuring him to remember.

 

This will really test the relationship. Either you will not cope and walk away, or you will be with him, support him, and make peace with the uncertainty as you give him the opportunity to heal. It’s your choice.

 

If you need support, and rightfully so because this is a very difficult thing to experience, talk with a friend, or your family, or a counsellor... but please, try to stay in the moment and don’t go down the road of ... what if? You don’t know what the future will bring, so just try to take it day by day... good luck to you.

Edited February 13, 2019 by BaileyB

[Redhead14]

Basil is right. Take each day as it comes and don't project out to the future too far right now.

 

I would also ask the hospital staff if there are counselors available on site that can help you and maybe some of his family members deal with this awful situation.

[RecentChange]

I agree that you need to get ahold of yourself. Maybe you can schedule some counseling to deal with your anxiety and all the worst case scenario “what if’s” that keep playing in your head?

 

This is a traumatic event for you as well.... and it has all happened very recently.

 

I had a bad horse back riding fall and a subsequent TBI. I was infused into a coma for three days.

 

I remember shortly after returning home from the hospital- I went to tie my shoe laces and didn’t know how.

 

I didn’t experience severe amnesia like your man, but I was really foggy and just not with it for a few weeks. Before long I made a 100% recovery and was back at school etc.

 

Give him, and yourself some time.

[edgygirl]

I fainted a few years ago and hit my head on a concrete floor. Mini TBI. I didn’t know on the first two days but I lost my sense of smell (and flavor). 2 seconds that changed my life then.

 

The way the neurons and bones are “designed” on the face (badly!), it probably stretched my olphatory neurons.

 

It was horrifying. And then I got horrid phantom smells. Took over a year, but I think the neurons found new pathways to reconnect and I have most of my senses back.

 

What I’m trying to say is - have hope. The body is an incredible thing and can regenerate. Find supplements that can help in his case. In my case it was things like Alpha Lipoid Acid etc. I wish you good luck and a big hug

[LostInRadio]

Thanks guys! Sorry it took me ages, I've just been so busy!! I know I'm overthinking (theres nothing new there), I try to be really tough on myself and not let myself think too many steps ahead.

One of the things I've always admired most about him is his sheer, unwavering, faith that everything will work out just fine. I think maybe i need to try to channel a bit of that now!

 

They think he might me able to come home tomorrow (or friday if not) which I guess will be our next big challenge.

Not sure if I'm excited for it to be just me and him without the doctors and nurses and paraphernalia, or if im nervous that its going to expose how awkward everything feels at the moment.

 

 

When you want to back off double down & move toward him.

This is such great advice! I feel like I need to sharpie this on to my hand and keep reading it!

 

You call him your FI. That means you were planning a wedding.

Yeah! We had a date set for early September, which was crazy quick (due to a cancellation at the place we want) so literally we've been madly trying to plan everything! One of the things I keep thinking about is the morning of his accident we we're disagreeing over a hog roast, that seems so ridiculous now!! We could give all the wedding guests takeaway pizza and I wouldn't care less now!

Most wedding vows include "for better or worse" "in sickness & in health" "in good times & in bad". Sadly this is worse, sickness & bad but you have to live those ideals.

I'm not going anywhere. He's everything too me!

I'm just so scared that, even if he remembers he wont feel the same! The first time round I genuinely wasn't interested and he did all the chasing, I'm scared that now I'm head over heels he's not going to feel the same attraction

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you found some value in what I said. I can be blunt & I should have been a bit more gentle with you because trauma to your loved one is trauma to you. You have to be out of your mind with worry.

 

Be fiercely protective of him & have faith. Try prayer. that can be extremely comforting in a time of crisis.

[LostInRadio]

It’s been less than 10 days, he was in a medically induced coma for five of those days... he has had a significant head injury... and as upsetting as this is for you, do you appreciate how unreasonable it is for you to expect him to be “well.” His recovery will be a marathon, not a sprint. Prepare yourself.

Yeah I know, I do know!

 

Honestly I sound like I'm a mess on the floor, which I'm not, I am doing everything! I'm going to the hospital in the morning, running errands, checking in on his business, picking the dog up from creche, then back to the hospital. Like I am to all intents and purposes coping, I'm not a complete useless mess! But internally I am worrying a lot - about everything! - and I know I need to stop because it won't change anything, but its easier said than done!

 

This will really test the relationship. Either you will not cope and walk away, or you will be with him, support him, and make peace with the uncertainty as you give him the opportunity to heal. It’s your choice.

Oh I'm not about to walk away! I'm here as long as he'll have me here!

 

 

I agree that you need to get ahold of yourself. Maybe you can schedule some counseling to deal with your anxiety and all the worst case scenario “what if’s” that keep playing in your head?

Ah I'm so rubbish at talking about my feelings though! I have to be SO comfortable with someone to be able to open up at all

 

I had a bad horse back riding fall and a subsequent TBI. I was infused into a coma for three days.

I remember shortly after returning home from the hospital- I went to tie my shoe laces and didn’t know how.

I didn’t experience severe amnesia like your man, but I was really foggy and just not with it for a few weeks. Before long I made a 100% recovery and was back at school etc.

Really!? God that's so scary! I'm glad youre doing good now!

 

I fainted a few years ago and hit my head on a concrete floor. Mini TBI. I didn’t know on the first two days but I lost my sense of smell (and flavor). 2 seconds that changed my life then.

Wow, from something as simple as fainting!! How terrifying! My boy fell about 18ft.. he only broke his ankle on landing but he, unfortunately, struck his head on something on the way down!

 

It was horrifying. And then I got horrid phantom smells. Took over a year, but I think the neurons found new pathways to reconnect and I have most of my senses back.

Really!? He hasn't seemed to experience anything like that! He keeps moaning and moaning that everything noisy (but to be fair, it is quite loud in that part of the hospital).

 

What I’m trying to say is - have hope. The body is an incredible thing and can regenerate. Find supplements that can help in his case. In my case it was things like Alpha Lipoid Acid etc. I wish you good luck and a big hug

Thank you!! and I'll definitely look up the supplement!

[LostInRadio]

I'm glad you found some value in what I said. I can be blunt & I should have been a bit more gentle with you because trauma to your loved one is trauma to you. You have to be out of your mind with worry.

 

Be fiercely protective of him & have faith. Try prayer. that can be extremely comforting in a time of crisis.

 

No I get it it.. sometimes you need it black and white, right!

 

Thank you! It honestly been the lowest point in my life, but he's awake now, and he's okay, everything else is insignificant compared to that!

[BaileyB]

Keep us posted OP. We are really hoping for the best!

[LostInRadio]

Keep us posted OP. We are really hoping for the best!

Thank you!

 

 

 

They're saying they might discharge him this afternoon, but they've taken him down for a final x-ray because he's still in a fair bit of pain with his ankle.

So I've just rushed home because I realised that its a mess and I need to tidy up and make it as easy as I can for him on crutches if he does come home.

 

So then that will be the next chapter I guess.

[Simple Logic]

It sounds to me you are doing everything correctly and that is all you can do at this stage. Just remember to act like his fiancé and not his mother.

[pepperbird]

Will the hospital include you in a discharge plan? Does it offer any programs for families with someone recovering from a head injury? Is there any support groups in your area for people going through a similar experience?

[LostInRadio]

Will the hospital include you in a discharge plan? Does it offer any programs for families with someone recovering from a head injury? Is there any support groups in your area for people going through a similar experience?

Oh god yeah. Like I say everything's between me and his late-cousins fiance (his only blood next-of-kin would be his little godson). The hospital have been FAB though! Can't fault the staff and all their help!

 

 

It sounds to me you are doing everything correctly and that is all you can do at this stage. Just remember to act like his fiancé and not his mother.

 

Yeah this is very true! I was thinking about this earlier.. If he'd just broken his ankle playing rugby I'd of been like "pfft, get on with it", I wouldn't be running around passing him things, making him drinks, and just FUSSING! I know I'm fussing too much... I think half the time I'm doing it when I feel awkward from not knowing what to say. It's a distraction from everything! But I know i need to dial down a bit, I need to like you say be his fiance not his mother!!

[LostInRadio]

So to update.. He came home!

 

Got home quite late Thursday and I made dinner and we sat there and it was just everything I had worried it could be - it was awkward!

 

He wanted to go to bed because he was tired, and I was admittedly fussing to much, get him a drink, light the fire, put his phone on charge. Then I went off and just made myself busy for an hour or so.

(literally I was putting off going to bed because I thought that would be awkward, I didn't even know if I should sleep in the guest room).

 

Finally I went to bed, and was actually in a much better mood! He went "I didn't know it was valentines today? Am I usually good at that"

I said "Of course! You're the cheesiest guy I know - you're amazing at it".

He really liked that, big grin "Sorry that I didn't give you anything this year then"

 

I was SO happy to hear him say that! It sounds like nothing, but I think it's probably the first thing he's said since he woke up that properly acknowledged OUR relationship and actually insinuated even slightly that he saw a future in it!

 

I went to him "Well you could always give me a cuddle?", and he was like "I can do that"

It's so weird because he's very physically affectionate (normally) and it's something I used to think i'd hate, but actually like, but even then sometimes ill tell him to give me space. Yet now, like to have a proper cuddle with him just meant the world to me, that's what I've wanted from the second I got that phone call to say he was hurt!

 

I said to him "Look at now, you're the moody one, and I'm the cuddly one!"

Him: "Hahah I'm not moody, Kid!"

 

And then we just both looked at each other - He's always called me 'kid', he did it when we first met because it annoyed me (for one thing im older) in the way little boys in the playground throw sticks at the girl they like and then, it just became habit, something ingrained in us. And obviously he hadn't called me that since the accident, and I don't think he remembered it until he heard it coming out of his own mouth!

 

______________________________________________________

 

So obviously it's been a few days since then.. and I guess all I can say is its up and down.

It's harder than I thought. I thought he would have remembered more by now. I get the feeling when we go to hospital appointments that the doctors are slightly surprised about that too (although they keep saying its normal).

 

The fact he does remember little bits has made it easier (he doesn't look at me like i'm some crazy stranger who's lying to him anymore).

 

 

It isn't just me though, we're going to the beer garden this afternoon with his late cousins fiance this afternoon. She's had to reintroduce him to her new boyfriend.

At the time when she was nervous about maybe dating again Frank was the one that really encouraged her and got on super well with her bf. Whereas now he's majorly sceptical of her new bf and all his loyalty still lies with his cousin, so he finds the whole thing hard.

 

It's just constant new challenges I guess..

[d0nnivain]

Hang in there.

[edgygirl]

So glad to hear you had some good moments!

 

I was looking at FB there are quite a few support groups for people in your situation, as the one below. I just searched "Traumatic Brain Injury Support Group", there are many groups and pages. I feel you will find more answers in such groups as people are going through similar things. Hugs.

 

https://www.facebook.com/Traumatic-Brain-Injury-Support-Group-180684948672011/

[LostInRadio]

So glad to hear you had some good moments!

 

I was looking at FB there are quite a few support groups for people in your situation, as the one below. I just searched "Traumatic Brain Injury Support Group", there are many groups and pages. I feel you will find more answers in such groups as people are going through similar things. Hugs.

 

https://www.facebook.com/Traumatic-Brain-Injury-Support-Group-180684948672011/

 

Thank you!

Yeah there's one support group that we're in contact with through the hospital, that's for him mostly, although he's only been once which i think he's found challenging because his symptoms are far less pronounced that a lot of peoples!

Thanks for that, i might try that! I sense a lot that when I talk to docotors and nurses they advise me the way you would a career, and thats not what I am and not what he needs, I'm quite determined now that what I need to stay being is his fiance!