I don't know why I want to break up?

[pikachud]

My girlfriend and I were high school sweet hearts, we both liked each other but it just never happened. I was too scared to ask her out, and i was going through massive bouts of depression, so I decided to be single and deal with it myself. It was a bit of a rough ending, and both of us were quite scorn. This led to us not seeing each other / interacting for about three years. In this time she had one partner, and I had 0 partners as I was focused on my uni degree.

 

However, 3 years later, we went to a festival together and everything just fell into place. After that, everything continued to fall in place, and after about 3-4 months of seeing each other, we started dating. She took my virginity, and is my first girlfriend. (We are both 21)

 

We are approaching our 1 year anniversary, so we've been together for about 1.25 years, and I have recently fallen back into the spiral of depression. I cant eat, i cant sleep, I cant do anything, yet shes sticking by me supporting me through it all, however for some reason I want to break up with her?

 

My depression causes me to lose all feelings. I feel nothing. I don't love any of my family members, and for some reason I don't feel any love towards my girlfriend, even though I know I love her? I feel guilty dragging her through my problem. I feel guilty pretending to be in-love with her. I feel guilty leading her on, when I feel as if it needs to end.

 

But here's the hard part. I know I loved her. Shes perfect. I loved her so so much. Shes everything I have ever wanted in a woman. Shes funny, beautiful, supporting, and most of all we trust and understand each other, yet for some reason I feel as if I have fallen out of love. I don't know if its the depression, or if its something else. She hasn't done anything wrong and she doesn't deserve to go through this. I know if I break up with her, i'm going to miss her so much, because shes everything I want.. but I cant lead her on.. I cant drag her through this for the chance that it was the depression that made me lose feelings for her. What if we get through it, and I don't feel anything at the end of it. What if she has wasted her time on me?

 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her. I really see a future with her, but for some reason I just don't feel in love at the moment. What do i do?

Edited February 13, 2019 by pikachud
Missed information

[bathtub-row]

I think it’s normal for everyone that emotions go up and down when in a relationship. If you believe you’d miss her if you ended things, then you probably love her and shouldn’t break up with her. Those feelings aren’t always constant once you’ve spent time with someone because you’re more comfortable that they’re there.

 

I think your depression is causing you to want to isolate yourself and withdraw from everything and everyone. While that’s an issue in itself, you need to let her know that when you’re in that state of mind, it’s very difficult for you to act loving toward her. The reason she needs to be aware of that is two-fold - so that you don’t have to fake it, and so that she doesn’t take it personally when you’re depressed. It also gives her information so that she can make the choice to stay with you or not based on your personality.