blueeyesgirl Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) Hi everyone, I need some advice as I'm getting really confused about this situation. I met this guy in October last year, we hit it off right from the start and started a whirlwind very intense romance. We went through a honeymoon phase where all was lovely, we even went abroad on holidays together and were discussing the future. The thing is, that honeymoon phase didn't last long, and soon we started having disagreements about things I said, or things he did, etc. Our first argument was by text message and when we got together to have a conversation, he was very cold and distant and said to me he doesn't know anymore if he wants to continue the relationship. I felt very hurt by him saying this, and I started crying in front of him, to which he just got up and left. Next day I decided to break up with him as I don't want to be with someone who tells me to my face he doesn't know if he wants to continue and has doubts. He was shocked by me breaking up, come back apologizing and etc, and we got back together. But things changed since, he wasn't the same as before. I felt he had one foot in and one foot out if you know what I mean. Suddenly he wasn't that available as before, had lots of work to do, etc. I started feeling insecure and anxious and everyday was expecting him to break up with me. We started having disagreements again and we basically were complaining of the same things to each other: how we need to walk on eggshells around each other not to pis* off the other, etc. So last week we had a big disagreement about something he said and I told him I didn't like. He basically stormed out of bed, picked up all of his stuff (this was at mine), and said that although he loves me, he can't take it anymore. We didn't speak the next 2 days after this and then I sent him a message asking him to give me my house keys back and for him to pick up a few things he still left at mine. I left all that with a friend of mine that lives nearby and he went there to collect and leave my keys. Then the next day that same friend of mine told me she saw his photo on a dating site, and I was shocked. How can he move on so fast after saying he loves me? I decided to block his number and not talk to him again. Then he sent me a message on Facebook asking why I blocked him and I said why. He said he only went to the dating site to cancel his account. I responded saying he can do whatever he wants and wish him well. Well after a few days he started clicking like on my social media photos. The anger I felt for him started to disappear and I sent him a message saying I don't want to hold grudges, we tried but things didn't work between us, but I don't want us to block each other and that I would like to keep in touch. He responded saying he feels really sorry things didn't work between us, that he is sorry for hurting me, that he misses talking to me and also wants to keep in touch, and offered to help me on anything if I need. I said thank you. But he now keeps texting me, asking me things, how am I, if I did this or that (things I told him before I was gonna do). I feel he misses me and wants to keep in touch everyday. I don't know what to do now. I still love him and miss him terribly. We both broke up with each other at different times, so I think that says a lot. We tried but it was really difficult to get on fine. I'm a very blunt and direct person and he just can't take it. He's more the type who avoids stuff not to get a conflict. On one hand I want to be with him again, on the other I'm still hurt that he left me and doubt if things would go back to the same between us. The truth is, besides the arguments and bits of conversation, we never sit down to talk openly and honestly about it. Any advice? Thank you. Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing, clarify title Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 My experience has taught me that when there is much conflict early on, you are looking at bigger incompatibilities that will make a relationship nearly impossible. A third attempt probably isn't going to work out. What was the exact reason for these two arguments that led to the break-ups? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueeyesgirl Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) I think the major issue between us (and incompatibility) was that I am a very open person, and am very blunt and direct in what I feel and think, and he is completely the opposite. He admitted to me that he avoids confrontations. And I think he took my direct approach as a way to start a confrontation, when in reality it was not. For example, if I say that I didn't like something, he would just immediately get triggered, get angry and end up storming off the door. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around him. And he is the complete opposite, if he doesn't like something, he doesn't express it. He bottles up to avoid confrontation and pretends everything is fine. I think he's got issues from previous relationships or even from childhood. A normal person would just ask "why didn't you like what I said or did", and would have a normal conversation about things. But to him it was avoidance all the way, he seemed like a frightened child running away. I could see that from his interactions with his two daughters it was the same. He would bottle up and do everything to please them. Maybe I need someone with a strong sense of self, that also likes to talk openly and talk about things. So that was the major issue between us. Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post; fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
skriti659 Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 It usually happens in most relationships. People usually patch up again because their heart still attached to the same person. But things will change even after trying hundreds of times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueeyesgirl Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) Did you mean "things won't change"? Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 What I mean is, what was it you told him you didn’t like? Your approaches to conflict might be very different, yes, but I’m curious to hear about what your complaint with him was, specifically. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueeyesgirl Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 What I mean is, what was it you told him you didn’t like? Your approaches to conflict might be very different, yes, but I’m curious to hear about what your complaint with him was, specifically. After he changed behaviour he became more distant and suddenly had a lot of work to do, which I felt was an excuse to not spend much time with me. Then we were in bed at night, naked, before having sex, he was staring at me and then said he can't stop thinking about work. I felt he was saying that on purpose to avoid intimacy and I didn't like it. Instead of bottling it up or pretend I didn't get it, I just told him I didn't like what he did. That's when he stormed off and broke up with me. Link to post Share on other sites
lovesflame Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 I have an extremely similar situation to yours. Amazingly sinilar honestly. I feel for you the pain and heartache and confusion and anxiety you are going through. My advice to u is that sometimes in the beginning whirlwind part lots of attachments and anxiety are brought up as your personal identity adapts to having this oerson around 24 7 sometimes those feelings overwhelms someone and then they run out of fear amd once they calm down they say the love is gone but really it is not gone just the anxious attachment is gone. Those aren't the same. Ok what you need to do is evaluate if you and he should try again. If so what was the major issue?? And if you don't know that means you need to communicate more and get him to open uo which means improve communication skills This could happen if u learn how to talk as friends in a better way. But then u will be where I am having better communication with an ex as a friend and wondering if u will be back together down the line. .. with lots of mixed signals along the way..... Ask yourself can u handle that? Being friends? Being patient.... If u can go ahead if you can't be honest. I wish I listened to my own advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueeyesgirl Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) I have an extremely similar situation to yours. Amazingly sinilar honestly.<snip> Hi, yes I saw your post and thank you for your reply. This was our major issue (I posted before): "After he changed behaviour he became more distant and suddenly had a lot of work to do, which I felt was an excuse to not spend much time with me. Then we were in bed at night, naked, before having sex, he was staring at me and then said he can't stop thinking about work. I felt he was saying that on purpose to avoid intimacy and I didn't like it. Instead of bottling it up or pretend I didn't get it, I just told him I didn't like what he did. That's when he stormed off and broke up with me." He sent a message on Whatsapp and we are talking again, but just as friends. Both said we regret things didn't work between us, but none said we want to go back. I wouldn't say our issues would be impossible to solve, or to adjust to each other, but it would require a lot of conscious effort and patience from both sides. He's texting me now several times per day, just telling things about him or his day and asking about me, but I don't know if he still likes me or he's just lonely... I am still hurting inside, missing him terribly and mourning the end of the relationship and all plans we made. Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote and fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 You date people to determine whether you are compatible with them long term. When you have a short HM phase & have to walk on eggshells with lots of disagreements early on that indicates that this is not the person you should be dating. It doesn't mean you are bad people or that one of you is wrong. It just means you don't fit together. He is being polite & kind. He doesn't want drama but you need to give up trying to date. Be pleasant but don't think you are going to be friends where you spend time together & talk. Just let this fade. You can't force a square peg in a round hole. Stop trying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sweetgirl2019 Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) You’re right. Messaging him on Whatsapp in only hurting me more, because we’re not together anymore. And it also hurts to see that he is fine with it. I’m not, I’m hurting a lot. I think I’m going to tell him that I can’t message each other because I’m hurting and can’t deal with it. Maybe in the future I’ll be able to do that but not now. I’m not going to block him but can’t be talking like all is fine when is not. Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 After he changed behaviour he became more distant and suddenly had a lot of work to do, which I felt was an excuse to not spend much time with me. Then we were in bed at night, naked, before having sex, he was staring at me and then said he can't stop thinking about work. I felt he was saying that on purpose to avoid intimacy and I didn't like it. Instead of bottling it up or pretend I didn't get it, I just told him I didn't like what he did. That's when he stormed off and broke up with me. Okay, this is enlightening. I think you're looking at the real reason for the break-up. It was not necessarily all about how you both handled conflict. It was about the fact that you felt he was losing interest in you, underneath it all. Maybe he was. Or maybe he was truly overwhelmed with work and distracted. Jumping the gun to break up with each other was a symptom of an underlying problem between you two, as I see it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueeyesgirl Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) Okay, this is enlightening. I think you're looking at the real reason for the break-up. It was not necessarily all about how you both handled conflict. It was about the fact that you felt he was losing interest in you, underneath it all. Maybe he was. Or maybe he was truly overwhelmed with work and distracted. Jumping the gun to break up with each other was a symptom of an underlying problem between you two, as I see it. Yes, after our first disagreement I felt him losing interest day by day. At first I believed him about being very busy at work, but then there were some contradictory things that made me see he was using it as an excuse. And that thing about staring at me in bed and saying he was thinking about work, it was on purpose. And when I said I didn't like he saying that, he made it all about me, like I'm the one who brings issues and etc. Since when me saying I didn't like what he said is enough reason to break up!? I felt he did it on purpose to have a reason to break up, which is quite sad and coward. I would prefer if he had been honest and said "this is not working, we need to go separate ways", rather than doing what he did, making me feel I am the problem. Edited February 13, 2019 by blueeyesgirl Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 So given what you have just posted, why are you still talking to him? Link to post Share on other sites
sweetgirl2019 Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) So given what you have just posted, why are you still talking to him? Great question. I don’t think he has a place in my life anymore in any way. Especially after what he said to me today. I have something I need to fix in my car and it was him who pointed that out to me a week ago, days before we broke up. I said at the time I’m taking the car to the mechanic to fix it and he said nothing else about it. Today he texted me asking if I fixed it and saying he’s worried about it! And even said that if I want he can come over and fix it for me... So he was not worried a week ago but is now when is convenient for him? He was using that to look like a great guy and as an excuse to see me. The same way he used the excuse to break up with me because he just can’t be honest and say things as they are. This is manipulation and I’m glad I talked to him again and he said this to me today for me to see how he is. I stopped messaging him and I’m trying to decide now if I leave his number on my phone and just ignore him or if I delete it. I think finally my logic and head is starting to be bigger than the heart. Edited February 13, 2019 by sweetgirl2019 Link to post Share on other sites
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