My autism is showing? Conversational skills on OLD.

[Garcon1986]

I can’t have any fun having light conversations. Teach me how?

[Garcon1986]

Teach me where my interests intersect with a woman looking for a date? I don’t know any fun and light topics by your definition.

[JuneL]

Teach me where my interests intersect with a woman looking for a date? I don’t know any fun and light topics by your definition.

 

I think that may be your core conversation issues. You don’t need to have a topic or have some canned topics in advance. Be spontaneous. A smart woman would judge your intelligence not by your hard knowlege, but by how your mind responds to very subtle things.

[pepperbird]

From a fellow autistic...

 

 

Don't suppress who and what you are. Unless you're looking for a one night stand, it's going to come out anyway.

 

Be proud of who you are, and if these NT women don't like it, they can shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

[JuneL]

OP: Have you been formally diagnosed with autism?

[littleblackheart]

Tbh OP, it's probably more an indictment on the NT women where you are than on yourself.

 

I'm a woman so it's obviously a bit different but on the whole, I've found men to be much more receptive and easy-going, also less judgemental, than women re being ASD, wherever I've lived. I don't know why that is.

 

Also, I struggle a bit with idle conversation in social situations too but I respond well to light banter in real life. I would find sparking a light conversation on OLD hugely limiting, because I need to see people's body language and hear the tone of their voice in order to get a better idea of their 'vibe'. I would not suit meeting people with OLD at all.

 

Are you sure OLD is the right platform for you?

 

Finally, since you're still in grad school, do you actually have time for a relationship?

[Garcon1986]

I have plenty of time for a relationship. Graduate school here isn’t that bad.

 

I have never been formally diagnosed but have some of the same behavioral issues.

 

How do I be spontaneous if no conversation topic I like is fair game? How are you/ hows the weather has no romantic vibe.

[littleblackheart]

So this is where my issue is. 'Some of the same behavioural issues' does equate to being autistic. You are or you aren't.

[Garcon1986]

Littleblackheart I have never had a formal diagnosis.

[Gretchen12]

University graduate programs are full of people from all over the world. Most of these people date within the academic or professional circle. Few people go online and reach across town to try to date.

 

I would think a part of you is trying to escape the realities of your graduate life?And as a rule, I suggest always only date people you would enthusiastically show your family and colleagues, and can see yourself marrying. Anything less than that will fall apart and isn't good for you.

 

Shouldn't you look on campus, perhaps you find someone in a different discipline, instead of going online. I don't know anything about autism. If you describe yourself as awkward, I would say the awkwardness is in trying to date locals online. It's like you don't get that it's weird?

[littleblackheart]

Littleblackheart I have never had a formal diagnosis.

 

I understand that, but you can't be 'a little bit' autistic.

 

You are self-diagnosing on the basis of 'some aspects' of your behaviour. It's like me saying I drink tea and I like the Monty Python, so I have some aspects of being British.

 

Anyway.

 

ASD (if that's the case) and dating online is, to me, not a great match.

 

Good luck in any event.

[pepperbird]

I would actually seek out an actual diagnosis. Many people have some traits of autism, but it's not what people think.

It's social, but it also affects communication and sensory processing.

 

Someone can be an introvert, but not autistic.

 

 

 

E.g.- my son is autistic, but he's hypersocial., My older daughter is autistic, and she's in law school- she fits more into the "quiet" version of autism. Me? I'm somewhere between the two.

[Garcon1986]

I am sure I could talk all night to an interesting guy who was also sexually attractive to me, but if I was looking for a date I would soon dry up with a similarly interesting guy who I was not attracted to.

Because

A) a waste of my time

B) a waste of his time and I would not want to lead him on.

 

Are your conversational skills lacking or is it her interest in you that is lacking?

 

I typically have to spend some time allowing my prospective date to get comfortable with me, usually it's a gigantic mental uphill struggle to allow her to get into a smooth conversation. I've had great conversations before - I'll always remember the superb occupational therapist that totally wowed me while having our first date on a zipline course - but I crave a deepness of mind and wisdom. That conversation was a deep study into occupational therapy and patient care and I loved it. Having fun in a lighthearted conversation is something I do poorly. I've learned how to quickly rule out women who have no interest in me at all. I typically have to meet a woman several times over multiple different social engagements before she sees anything she finds interesting about me.

[Garcon1986]

I want to be able to share the stunning experience of seeing a scale model of a solar system covering 7 km of desert. I want to be able to look in an orca mom's eye, as she chides her baby for getting lost for the third time, in the seaweeds, and recognizing humanity. I want to be able to share in Stephen Colbert having the Gollum read out tweets by Donald Trump. I want to be able to look up at the Orion Nebula, and know that the same helium that is powering my MRI at my hospital, is being generated by the infant stars in million degree furnaces so many light years away. I would like to have someone teach me to be a better version of myself. Admittedly, I'm already pretty bloody good haha. Is it too demanding to seek out someone with similar interests?

 

I'll still seek out Online dates out of state =p

Edited February 15, 2019 by Garcon1986

[edgygirl]

Haven't read all the posts, but I really dislike people who ask me about concrete things like hobbies, what I like "to do for fun", how is your day/week going... it's BORING AS HELL stuff for me as I am more about ideas, and the future.

 

I like people who understand by my profile that I prefer to talk about big picture things as in - what ignites your passion in life, what are you dreams for the near future? Where do you think the humanity is going? What would you do if aliens arrived to Earth tomorrow? What's the meaning of life? LOL.Are you into the Cure? They're releasing a new album this year, I'd love to get ot a concert. Wanna join?

 

Seriously the other day a a super hot lawyer sent me the best message ever using McCarthy interrogation style - "Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party of the United States?" (...) :lmao: I found it hilarious. But then I really enjoy sarcasm. And we proceeded to talk about Russia, the Romanoffs, Cold War, Artificial Intelligence, housing and flying cars in the future, & the world.

 

Sorry I need brainz and sense of humor. I can't do much of the small talk in first messages. And I definitely am not interested in anything concrete and boring as their day or what are they eating. I am BIG PICTURE.

[Garcon1986]

Well I like you edgygirl but as you know we aren't compatible on the dealbreakers list

 

This is very good advice you gave.

 

However, it conflicts with the advice TheFoolOfTheYear gave.

 

I would love to talk about what would you do, if aliens came to Earth. Trouble is - how do you make it fun and lighthearted?

 

I will never be a hot American lawyer, but I am a hot Asian doctor - narrows my potential dating pool quite a bit

[edgygirl]

Don't do that.

 

I can’t have any fun having light conversations. Teach me how?

 

Have the types of conversations you want, as you mention below. Women like me like these convos. That's why in my profile I say I have "nerdy interests" and that I like witty men. The right people will get it.

 

As me, you clearly don't want meaningless light small talk. You want the below. Look for the nerdy intelligent girls. Put these interests in your profile. You WILL attract the right women. Maybe not a ton, but one day some that likes the same intellectual convos will find you. I don't think you will be satisfied otherwise.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Garcon1986

I can have wonderful conversations with nerdy women, and the attraction is pretty good. Give me a conversation about physics, pediatrics, astronomy, any science stuff - current events - classical music - instruments - I can have a great conversation.

[edgygirl]

I disagree with the FTY... light conversations go well with another kind of women... which I don't think it's the kind of women you would really be interested in. Of course I am not saying don't ever have light convos... but in first messages, I LOVE when men are smart and not shallow. I think the way to make is fun is 1. finding the right nerdy girl to talk with 2. just talk about things you are interested in, and see if they are too.

 

Honestly Myers Briggs explains it a lot. i(N)tuitive people like talking about abstract ideas "the future, the universe, artificial intelligence", (S)ensors like talking about concrete things "what are your hobbies, how is your day". It seems to me you might be (N). If so, you will do well with N girls. I studied a lot and kind of know how to identify it in profiles by now.

 

Are there Asian girls where you live at all? Can you find one long distance? Are you attracted to them? I can totally see one wanting to catch a doctor who plays instruments and all that. As you know I also prefer to stay within my culture, not only I'm attracted to them, but it makes sense to me.

[Garcon1986]

I am searching for Asian girls, I only found one which I had no attraction to whatsoever, and in my immediate ten social circle layers there are only classic Southern women who are plenty attractive to me, but they couldn't care less that I exist. I have nothing that Southern women like. I'm searching in larger radii to find suitable people. I quite like most races except African American and Indian (not racist but just can't bring myself to date), but I'm a born proud Asian British gentleman. Can't change that.

 

It's just depressing that huge people 2-3 times my size are the only people that swipe right on me.

[edgygirl]

You're in the Midwest or the South? How long til you graduate?

 

Find a LDR in SanFran or NY. I'm sure plenty of girls that would be your type. And then when you graduate either you move or they move. I get why these Southern girls would not be into you, after all, Murica! Isn't it the most racist place in the US?

[guest569]

Is there anything you want to know about these women? Are you curious about them? Make a list of questions that you would want to know about a potential date, and some interesting conversation starters, then you won’t be so lost for words when trying to exchange messages. I am usually one to need a bit of light conversation before delving into something serious. But the topics you have mentioned seem fairly light to me, but it won’t work if she has no interest in astronomy or cardiology etc. if that’s important to you, move on and look for the next one. Also, I try not to ramble on about myself unless asked, and try to balance out the talking 50/50. Most women don’t want a monologue about model trains, unless of course they are asking you about it. Just ask each other stuff. If someone doesn’t ask me anything then they’re not interested and I move on.

[Garcon1986]

I am trying to use OLD as a tool to do a little pre screening to see if I can get an actual exciting conversation going , before agreeing to a date. If I get three word responses, real life conversation won’t be any better eh?

[JuneL]

It's just depressing that huge people 2-3 times my size are the only people that swipe right on me.

 

But MI almost has the highest obesity rate in the US, so maybe those ladies just have an average size there!

 

Personally I enjoy a stimulating conversation. But I wouldn’t engage in one with a stranger on a dating site before we even meet. The intellectual convo comes naturally when you start with something light and witty. It doesn’t start with a question like an interview or on an exam. Instead of asking the teacher please describe your best child memory in 500 words (well I’m exaggerating :laugh:), I would have some light bantering about the fun and headaches of working with child. Then if one is an intellectual type, the convo would naturally flow to a deep discussion. Your manner of trying to start an intellectual conversation can sound patronizing, even to those who are very intellectual. I think that might be why you come across as arrogant to RecentChange; for me, you come across as trying too hard to impress.

 

I just had a doctor’s visit a few days ago. We ended up having an interesting discussion about the different healthcare systems. But it started when I made a quick general comment/observation. He would have kicked me out of his office if I started by asking “please tell me in 500 words the pros and cons of the US vs the UK healthcare systems.” That would have been offensive!!

[JuneL]

As another example. I remember when I was stayng in the college dorm, an exchange sudent from Europe came borrow something from me. We just had met very briefly before, so we asked each other the usual questions about our background. Then the convo naturally led to the politics of where I was from, and we ended up having an interesting and hour-long discussion. It would have been off putting if he started the convo by asking please describe in 500 words how the current politics of your home town/country is affecting its people.

[thefooloftheyear]

G....Listen to whoever you want, just realize there are people that perpetually can't get out of their own way telling you what you need to do, vs those who have no virtually no issues and can easily navigate this...Well, you decide who is right or wrong....And to be honest, it's really not about right v wrong, its more about exploring why things aren't going your way...

 

Practically every woman's dream guy is the type that takes his craft very seriously and is effective and accomplished at it, confident and yet have another side that's not all about that...It's about having balance and not taking life all that seriously all the time...

 

That doesn't mean be a clown...Far from that...But if you can't be light hearted, somewhat silly at times, self deprecating, etc,...Then you will constantly hit a wall with just about every woman on Earth..To think you will spend all the time with a woman pondering the purposes of mitochondria in cell function, or what would happen or where it would take you if you had a space ship with unlimited fuel....Well...I dunno....I can't think of any woman that would be satisfied with that type of guy...Again...Balance...

 

Think of it this way....I have a lot of business associates and friends that are high powered types, coming from all walks of life...CEO's...MD's, high powered attorney's...etc...These are all types of guys that don't do what you are saying, and neither do I...They can go out and have a good time and NEVER discuss what they do...In fact, most can't stand it, and will stop you if you ask about it in a casual environment...And trust me when I tell you this....You will reach that point as well..

 

Balance, my friend...That's the key....If you think I am wrong, then keep chasing that Unicorn...But you will hopefully eventually see this..

 

PS...As for moving to another locale? I generally don't think this is ever necessary, despite what people like to advocate..I have traveled all over the place..There are compatible people to just about anyone on the planet...But maybe in your case, it may be helpful...especially like around here, where there are a lot of intellectual types..and a lot of Asians..

 

You should check out the movie "Doc Hollywood"...I love this film...the theme being a high powered surgeon to be, winds up stuck in this little town in the south/midwest...He falls in love with a local there...and gets a chance to see that there is in fact another side to all of this...and maybe he doesn't need to take everything so serious...

 

TFY