My autism is showing? Conversational skills on OLD.

[Ronni_W]

You're being kind

Not 'fake' kind, no. I think, though, that current-day technology is 'helping' people to feel less confident in their face-to-face dealings with people and with their external world.

 

For myself, I don't really feel a 'big margin' of difference of being able to connect with and communicate with people exclusively online -

- and I don't get that you have any innate 'problem' or inability to do that, either. You come across as very natural, unassuming and genuine.

 

Er...now that I just had that thought. Maybe it is that there is no difference? If you can do it on one platform, then you can also do it on all the others?

(Regardless of which you count as your cardinal, primary or preeminent platform?)

 

Hhmmm...

 

In which case. So, for OP, it's only about figuring out how HE can get along with others; far more so than how he thinks others should be able to get along with/communicate with him?

 

Hhmmm...

[littleblackheart]

Not 'fake' kind, no.

 

I didn't doubt that. See, this is why online is no good for me!

 

I think, though, that current-day technology is 'helping' people to feel less confident in their face-to-face dealings with people and with their external world.

 

I agree.

 

For myself, I don't really feel a 'big margin' of difference of being able to connect with and communicate with people exclusively online - and I don't get that you have any innate 'problem' or inability to do that, either. You come across as very natural, unassuming and genuine.

 

Fair enough, and thank you. It's not conscious at all, so it's all the more appreciated, especially from someone as wise as you seem to be .

 

 

In which case. So, for OP, it's only about figuring out how HE can get along with others; far more so than how he thinks others should be able to get along with/communicate with him?

 

That makes sense.

[Ronni_W]

I didn't doubt that. See, this is why online is no good for me!

No...that's exactly what I was saying: there is no difference: *IF* you were 'no good at it' in real life, only then could you be 'no good at it' online.

*That* you are good at in in real life, is the only reason that you are also good at it online. (Does that make sense? .)

 

It's not conscious at all, so it's all the more appreciated, especially from someone as wise as you seem to be .

I get the part about it not feeling conscious to you...it just is who you are; innate.

 

To be honest, I actually work (really hard, sometimes <lol>), to improve my level of how I see the world, and communicate and interact with it. So, any wisdom that does get conveyed, it's hard won.

I do thank you for noticing and acknowledging it; most honestly and sincerely, and it is sincerely appreciated.

 

Much Light and Love to you.

[JuneL]

This cuts both ways. Superficial is not appealing, to a lot of us. It's not about traits, it's about having to mould yourself into the standard fit. There is nothing more homogenising (and depressing, to me) than online dating.

 

But the OP doesn’t feel this way. He’s here asking how he can improve his skills chatting with women online, despite his past setbacks.

[Ronni_W]

But the OP doesn’t feel this way. He’s here asking how he can improve his skills chatting with women online

He still needs to recognize and accept the parameters and limitations of the platform he's choosing, though. If he does not want to have to deal with the well-known, generally-accepted,

inherent initial superficialities (that everyone else has already come to terms with), then he needs to change his platform of choice.

HE needs to change for it, because OLD is not going to change its model, for him.

[littleblackheart]

But the OP doesn’t feel this way. He’s here asking how he can improve his skills chatting with women online, despite his past setbacks.

 

Yes, and he's already been given advice on this, the consensus being that the type of advice he's asking for (getting better at 'light banter') is better taught through real life experience. This is especially true for someone on the spectrum (as OP says he is) who is concerned about portraying himself accurately as a cerebral person who doesn't enjoy small talk.

 

I haven't personally found OP to be arrogant, but apparently he comes across as such to NT women, from some of the posters on this thread?

 

In any event, if he's not feeling it from the outset, how is he to become an expert at it - by learning lines by heart? This may come across fake and disingenuous, especially if his actual character in real life does not match his newfound conversational skills online at meeting time.

 

That's just my opinion, though...

 

OP, I hope you find a suitable mentor on LS, willing to guide you with this.

Edited February 17, 2019 by littleblackheart

[JuneL]

He doesn’t come across as arrogant to me, but he likes to show off his list of “accomplishments”. Some of us have followed his other similar threads. I assume not every single difference can be attributed to NT vs not?

[littleblackheart]

I assume no every single difference can be attributed to NT vs not?

 

Sure. As I said, I'm just giving my perspective. I'm not trying to start a NT vs ASD war...

 

To me, it's entirely commonsensical to try to improve conversational skills off-line, so they become more natural online.

[Garcon1986]

Thanks for all your advice everybody, it's really much appreciated. I'm absorbing all of it.

 

Littleblackheart, if you were here, all you would have to do is dress up in a suit, set up a Bumble profile, and say I'm single, French, and ready to mingle. All of our nurses would want to ask you out. You got it made mon ami.

 

I saw some other female user here say - she asked out a guy who described himself as a simple guy. He also described jumping out of airplanes as a hobby. She said - well Mr Simple Guy, I like to have my seatbelt on in airplanes. Do you think opposites attract in that circumstance? That's exactly the online banter which I have no clue how to write. I'm consistently falling flat on my initial first impression online messages. You never get a second chance online. This is the exact skill I want but I'm just not good enough at it yet.

 

Sadly my immediate social circle follows stereotypes to the letter - Asian men are in the no thanks category no matter what redeeming characteristics they have.

 

I'm using online dating now to seek out of state dates, but I'm trying to screen through some basic banter, so I don't commit 10 hours to one date just to find out it falls flat on the face and there's no connection. Hence my focus on improving my online game. I just got ghosted by a date in New Orleans after I spent 9 hours and lots of money going back and forth, after taking the advice that one should use the phone only for planning dates. I felt burned.

 

I have a little stage fright with new friends, it takes me a while to get used to exactly what they like - then my humor and good nature will come through. I'm no Dave Chappelle or Stephen Colbert, that instantly charming sexy man. It takes about 6 interactions in real life, after which I can easily come up with the great banter women crave. I have wonderful friends who all think my humor is dry but high quality. Although I'm out of place romantically, professionally and friendship wise I'm top grade. I'm the guy who brings the authentic British accent to the Bible belt.

 

I had an amazing conversation with a pathology resident (trainee) and an Allergy-immunology fellow (trainee) today, and they were stunning Indian and Iranian women respectively. Their intelligence, and essentially most other resident's intelligence and strong character, were amazing. They are married though. I would be overjoyed if I could snag that in a new date. Sadly every single person I've met here couldn't care less if I exist; there are no natural social opportunities where I get to develop my relationship and show how I shine. I would be happy with literally any single medical student here, their intelligence is wonderful, the women here are beautiful, they have great jokes - but the barrier in that case is "I'm the boss, I'm Doctor Garcon, officer on deck, not a romantic prospect". Hence I'm forced to stay away from them for professionalism reasons.

 

I pledge to embrace the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and kick my arse and work damn hard to achieve the goals that I can realistically achieve.

[guest569]

by learning lines by heart? This may come across fake and disingenuous, especially if his actual character in real life does not match his newfound conversational skills online at meeting time.

 

I think it's fine to learn lines by heart, if they come from the heart. When writing to someone online, you can plan out what you want to say. Sure, it's different on the spot in person. But that's not what this thread is about. Let's not put the cart before the horse.

[littleblackheart]

I am assuming that the end game of this is to get dates with real people in the real world, so who you are online should match who you are offline - at least that's what makes sense to me.

 

If you are presenting yourself as a witty conversationalist online, this is who the person you want to date is expected to meet; hence you need to practice those skills so it's natural to you as a person, not just as an OLD user (unless you are planning on having an epistolary relationship).

[guest569]

I am assuming that the end game of this is to get dates with real people in the real world, so who you are online should match who you are offline - at least that's what makes sense to me.

 

If you are presenting yourself as a witty conversationalist online, this is who the person you want to date is expected to meet; hence you need to practice those skills so it's natural to you as a person, not just as an OLD user (unless you are planning on having an epistolary relationship).

 

Oh no, I don’t think he needs to present as a witty conversationalist. Just needs to get the basics and have a few ideas up his sleeve. I don’t think it’s necessary to fake witty banter. If banter doesn’t come naturally then forget it. Get the online stuff down pat, go on the dates, practice. They’re not isolated in my opinion. I wonder if some coaching would help.

[littleblackheart]

Littleblackheart, if you were here, all you would have to do is dress up in a suit, set up a Bumble profile, and say I'm single, French, and ready to mingle. All of our nurses would want to ask you out. You got it made mon ami.

 

Haha I'm female but thanks either way! The French accent opens quite a few doors in real life, I'll admit...

 

 

I pledge to embrace the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and kick my arse and work damn hard to achieve the goals that I can realistically achieve.

 

Good for you.

[Garcon1986]

It's just frustrating that people here tell me the skill I want can't be trained online, and people in my local vicinity refuse to help me with this skill. It's a lose lose situation while the singles of Mississippi leave me in the dark.

[littleblackheart]

It's a lose lose situation while the singles of Mississippi leave me in the dark.

 

I wish I had better advice for you, I'm sorry. Maybe some of the more seasoned male posters could help you out and share their best tips with you?

[JuneL]

It's just frustrating that people here tell me the skill I want can't be trained online, and people in my local vicinity refuse to help me with this skill. It's a lose lose situation while the singles of Mississippi leave me in the dark.

 

Not sure where you got this conclusion from...

-Edgygirl offered to help coach you with your next online prospects;

-I told you to check out some (American) romantic comedies and pay attention to the bantering.

It’s important to be observant. Try to put yourself in the situation and ask what you would have said.

After you’ve heard our consensus regarding your “man carrying a handbag” joke, do you now realize how bad it was?

Also, I assume you’re good at your job. Are you sure there aren’t some nurses who are having a crush on you? ;-)

Edited February 17, 2019 by JuneL

[Garcon1986]

I do have nurse practitioners who are very happy with what I do, but they are married. I've been making eye contact with nurses, staying little longer, striking up conversation, judging how much they want me to stick around and talk about things - I've had a universally neutral reaction to testing the waters and seeing if there is any interest.

 

Thanks for your advice on the movies June. I just remembered I watched Before Sunset (2004) with my previous ex. I watched it again, and said well, I may be able to say some of those things in the movie. However, I've come off as insincere or have my body language say one thing, and my words say a different thing. I've never been one who is good at hiding my feelings in the romantic world (I'm good at it in the Cardiology world amongst patients and professionals).

 

Where I differ from Ethan Hawke's skill level is the creativity of the responses and the ability to maintain a great emotional vibe. You have any specific pointers towards Romcoms that focus on this character trait?

 

I do realize how bad my joke was. I've been unable to make a joke in real life that any of my colleague nurses like. However, the nurse practitioners have gotten used to my jokes from seeing me every day - and my style of joking is similar to the comedian Rowan Atkinson in his sketch of Jesus performing magic tricks.

[JuneL]

Oh you shouldn’t try to say exactly the same things as the male lead. Instead, you should pay attention to how he made use of the immediate environment to say what he said.

[JuneL]

How did you meet your previous girlfriends? I remember from one of your threads that you’re not impressed with your previous gf’s lack of ambition. How about your other ex-gfs? I find it surprising that you would get into a relationship with someone you didn’t find intelligent, considering how much you’ve been telling us about how you got turned on by a highly intelligent woman.

[Mike800]

I think all dating is superficial in the early stages, not only online. We look, we assess, we judge yea or nay.

Those with traits that fail to broadly appeal will struggle whether online or IRL

 

Nah I know a lot of people who met irl who probably wouldn’t have hooked up if they just went by a picture and stats of the person online.

 

I know it doesn’t work for you but a lot of people can be neutral about someone’s looks and they become more atttractive when they get to know them.

 

Plus I know some attractive people who for whatever reason aren’t photogenic and look much better in person then photos.

[JuneL]

OP: The more I read your posts, the more I’m convinced that being ethincally Asian is not the major cause of your lack of luck with dating. If you can only make flat jokes or worse offensive jokes, it might be better just to avoid making jokes altogether, until you’ve already established some rapport (like you said, your prospect would be more understanding after about 6 dates).

[Garcon1986]

How do I make a lady feel good being around me with no jokes then?

 

the rest of this is an answer to JuneL

 

Every single relationship that I went on more than one date with, came from online dating. I've been on it for 5 years with spotty success, and have profiles on all the major dating companies (11 total).

 

My very first relationship lasted about 3 weeks, and it fell apart due to it being only a sexual nature, and there wasn't any connection at all.

 

I then spent several years with a dating coach and going on lots of dates in the Northeast of the United States trying to get relationship experience, which was very valuable.

 

My second relationship was with an internal medicine resident, and it was pretty awesome, until her indecisiveness and intimacy issues came out. I was disturbed that she couldn't make a serious decision about moving apartments, and even if I decided for her, and said what I would do, she would still say no, and want to debate the pros and cons more, after several weeks of debating. It was mostly long distance, and when we got intimate, it was painful 100% of the time, and I felt humiliated on multiple levels. I felt like I was an inadequate man in being unable to please her without making her painful. I didn't have the maturity or the patience at the time to stick it out, so our relationship ended when she stayed up all night secretly reading through my email account without my knowledge, and breaking up the next morning. I said I couldn't live with a relationship where the little intimacy I had was always bad, because this is why lots of marriages fail. So I left on a sour note.

 

In my next relationship, I was determined to find someone that I was totally physically attracted to, and who was close by. So I found a spectacular Slavic woman who worked in my department. While she wasn't intellectually my type we had quite a lot in common, and I initially thought I could live with it and feed my intellectual desires off of documentaries. I said well, who cares if my date doesn't check all our boxes right? The first four months were amazing, and we even spent time discussing long term stuff plus kids. It all started crashing down when my previous ex texted me out of the blue, right before a vacation trip of hours, when my GF was looking at my phone. All her insecurities came out, and it gradually became a weekly fight about which random girl I was texting next, and emotional outbursts of whether or not I loved her. The intimacy with her was spectacular, but it became a fight of constant accusations of my doing unfaithful things despite never initiating texts with any girls (or exGF), and her versus my parents who thought she wasn't good enough. Eventually it was a huge emotional fight of me choosing between her and my parents, and I cracked under the pressure of having to choose, so she actually broke up with me in my car, after a discussion how strong I would be in going against the will of my parents. My parents later told me they prepared for both my marriage and my divorce. I eventually realized a future with her would mean endless conflict and not knowing when the next tantrum would come.

 

I'm healed now, and I want this in a relationship:

1. Someone who is really nerdy at something. I don't care what the topic is, as long as she can talk my ear off about it.

2. Someone who has gained the open mindedness of living in more than one culture (or through some other means). I tend to steer away from people who are Asian and totally brought up in an Asian country, if they are a "Robot" and are just kind of moping through life. There are too many Chinese who just memorize stuff, do well at work, get great grades, but are miserable deep down. I've had the amazing experience of realizing I was living under a rock, and then busting out from under that proverbial rock when I found Cardiology.

3. Someone who is willing to fight fair and meet me halfway in conflicts, just as I will pledge to always calmly resolve conflict and never resort to emotional attacks. I refuse to be a woman's emotional doormat, or have someone use marriage like a revolving divorce door to manipulate unwitting men.

4. Someone who cares deeply about her health.

5. Someone who I am at least semi physically attracted to.

[Olivia_daviss]

It's weird I'm now the one giving advice XD

Never suppress yourself for someone it won't make a stable relationship if they aren't OK with you being autistic that's their problem keep looking till you find someone who likes you for you to continue a conversation I try to think of something similar to the current topic and talk about that and it seems to work

[JuneL]

Have you not picked up the basics from your dating coach?

 

I think that avoiding creeping out women with offensive jokes is more immediate than making them feel good.

 

Regarding your gf who was painful every time...was she a virgin? Did she seek medical help? You’re a doctor and was supposed to know better!

[Garcon1986]

Oh I tried to pick up the basics, they weren't on point every single time.

 

My original exGF's pain issues were evaluated by an OBGYN. The pain never changed throughout my 9 month relationship, so I couldn't maturely handle it anymore, I just felt overwhelming humiliation. I couldn't stand the thought of the prospect of pain with intimacy having no end in sight despite medical help. I learned my lesson now.