My boyfriend has a female best friend

[poetry]

Hello everyone. I have been thinking about this for a quite a long time and I realized that I need others opionions.

 

I started dating a really nice guy in the beginning of November 2018. Let's call him Dave. I am 30, he is 37. He has a 4 years old child with a woman he is not with since 2015. They were together 7 years before they broke up. He told me about his best female friend right in the beginning, but I was not emotionally involved yet so it did not bother me. The more time we spent together, the more I did not like the idea of him having such a close female friend. They have been friends since they were kids. She is 6 years younger so she is 31 now. They grew up together, know each other's family and friends.

 

My boyfriend had a crush on her more then 10 years ago, but he said it just faded somehow and then he realized that she is not the person he would like to date, but she is good friend because she always helped him through hard times and was always listening to him. They also lived together long time ago, it was my bf, her and her bf. They also lived together last year, for 6 months after she broke up with her boyfriend and did not have any place to go.

 

I checked her Instagram profile and found many provocative videos from the period, when she lived in my bf's house. Dancing in underwear in his kitchen etc...probably just seeking for attention. He told he was never there, he never saw what she was doing. She is very provocative type of woman...quite cheap look and always flirty and without moral. So I became suspicious and jealous. My bf tried to explain that their friendship is just platonic, but I could not believe that man can have platonic friendship with such a provocative woman. They spent so much time together in his house just together. I felt something is not right.

 

I told him I can not get over it 2 weeks ago and he said, that he can not stop talking to his friend just because of quite a new relationship (I never said he should stop talk to her). So we broke up. He sent me message few days ago that he is missing me so much and he realized how stupid he was. We met 3 days ago and spoke about everything. I felt quite good about his explanation and he agreed that there are some boundaries needed in their friendship. We met again today and he just told me that when she lived in his house, she offered him sex. He rejected. He told me this now, after 3 months, so I assume he knew that this is something that should not happened in "platonic friendship" so he did not want to tell me, however it just confirmed what I was afraid of.

 

I mean, apart of that he is really nice boyfriend. Very caring and I believe he is loyal and he would do anything for me. Especially now...we have fun together, take care of each other and same passion for travelling and adventures so I do not want to lose him.

 

But I do not trust her. And I do not like the idea of her being part of our life. What do you think about their relationship? Is it huge red flag, or am I being crazy?

Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[preraph]

I think if they were ever going to be together, they would have a long time ago. He said he used to have a crush on her but he also said he rejected her sexual advances. I mean, they've known each other an awful long time to really be romantic at this point. I just think if she had a big crush on him all this time, there would already have been opportunity when he had a crush on her 10 years ago. And who knows, maybe they did sleep together.

 

But he apparently isn't really jealous of her or anything or he'd not be living with her and her bf back then.

 

It is a bit worrisome that he could only be telling you part of the truth, so I'd press a bit further and say, Well, if you had a crush on her back then and she is offering you sex, what stopped you two from getting together and either trying to see if it would work or just having sex?

 

Bottom line, it's true you don't throw away an old friend with history for a new person. It's just not merited. But if he's at least admitting there can be some boundaries, sit and talk about what would make you happy. Like her not sending him flirtatious photos or whatever, or him not seeing her without you there. If she's a true friend, she will cooperate to keep him from losing someone he cares about.

 

I'd dig deeper about the sex part in the past though. I find it hard to believe it never happened.

[smackie9]

You really like the guy so anyone near him you will feel the pangs of jealousy. That's normal. Like any new relationship, there is an adjustment period where boundaries/corrections needs to be made. It's a process that starts with good communication. Not only you two are adjusting, so will friends in general. As long as you both understand the expectation needed for this relationship to carry on smoothly, you will be fine.

[d0nnivain]

You are being crazy. This is not a new relationship. They have a life time of memories together. After 3 decades if they wanted to be together, they'd be together & you never would have met him. Pre-existing friends, -- people who have been part of your new SO's life for years before you entered the picture -- are part of the package.

 

You need to befriend her so when he talk to her about you, she sticks up for you & your relationship with him. Piss her off at your own peril. If you force him to choose, he will rightly pick her.

 

Your behavior, out of control jealousy & unreasonable outlook, is a red flag for him to consider whether you are worth having a relationship. They have done nothing wrong.

[Try]

We met again today and he just told me that when she lived in his house, she offered him sex. He rejected. He told me this now, after 3 months, so I assume he knew that this is something that should not happened in "platonic friendship" so he did not want to tell me, however it just confirmed what I was afraid of.

You have every right to be concerned about this other woman (OW). You trusted this OW living with your boyfriend because they both assured you that their relationship was exclusively platonic. Now that you know that she offered him sex just 3 months ago, you know that this is not true. You also know that he was willing to lie to you by omission when he did not tell you about her advance, and instead kept seeing her under the false premise that you hade nothing to worry about because nether of them had romantic feeling for each other. Always remember that when your gut told you that something was wrong, you were recognizing the clues that indicated that she had feelings for him, and that she was capable of putting moves on him without him telling you. You trusted your gut and stood up for yourself, and it turns out that you were right.

 

Although unfounded jealousy can be a problem in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with being jealous when it is based on the truth. It is also perfectly OK and even advisable to establish relationship boundaries.

[elaine567]

I'd dig deeper about the sex part in the past though. I find it hard to believe it never happened.

 

 

Agreed.

He has already trickle truthed, I guess he isn't yet finished with his "revelations".

 

 

Single guy living in a house with a sexually provocative woman and nothing happened....

[preraph]

But yet, even if something happened but it was a long time ago, I still say if they wanted to be together, they'd be together. Someone isn't interested enough for that.

[Olivia_daviss]

Don't worry about it if they wanted to make something of it they would have so I'd say trust him not to do something like this how long have you been together

[elaine567]

But yet, even if something happened but it was a long time ago, I still say if they wanted to be together, they'd be together. Someone isn't interested enough for that.

It is only last year. She stayed 6 months in his house last year.

 

We have had our fair share on here of lovestruck childhood/HS "best friends" having affairs with guys with gfs, guys with partners, guys with wives, and guys with kids... a bit of him is better than nothing and they live in hope as his OW. They stick to him like glue, whilst he gets engaged, gets married, has kids etc.

[central]

I have several platonic female friends. They will remain platonic - and they will remain dear friends. If I date someone who can't handle that, then I will find someone who can, no matter how great they seem to be otherwise. Being unable to trust me with honest, platonic friendships is a red flag. And I'd include someone I'm dating in some of my activities with these friends, when appropriate.

[DKT3]

Haha, funny how some posters have offered contradictory comments as opposed too another post were a male poster feared the connection between his partner and her man friend.

 

Truth is, very few male/female friendships lack at least some level of attraction and sexual tension. I don't think he is being honest, but I do agree with the other that if they wanted to be together you would not be in the picture.

[oldtruck]

People in relationships do not need opposite sex friends. I do

not lack anything in my life by not having any female friends.

 

I have seen too many affairs happen because the WW/WH had

to have opposite sex friends. Placing unnecessary temptation

in front of oneself is the first step on the slippery slope to ruin.

 

And in the OP's case this OW is just that another OW that wants

to bang her BF.

 

As to her BF, what is broken in him that he needs to keep this

OW orbiting him for the external extra validation ego stroking?

 

He is not willing to put his woman first and make her feel protected.

 

Dump him for I see him eventually cheating. Old enough for SS

so I have seen a lot in life.

[CantGetEnuff]

DKT3 is 100 percent right when they wrote:

 

"Truth is, very few male/female friendships lack at least some level of attraction and sexual tension."

 

That is the f'ing truth for most people. There is almost always sexual tension, which is really fun as long as lines are not crossed. I've made this point over and over again and I'll continue to make the point.

[snowboy91]

Have to agree with most of the other comments here. If they wanted to be together, they would have done so at some point in the 30 years they've known each other. When you are friends with someone of the opposite sex for that long, having feelings or desire for them just feels wrong. He chose to date you and not her, so that should tell you what you need to know.

[Jamess1]

Hope he does not lose his best friend because of your insecurity, any woman who tries to separate you from friends, family, etc should be dumped immediately.

[crispytoast]

I'd dig deeper about the sex part in the past though. I find it hard to believe it never happened.[/Quote]

Ok so let's say they had sex in the past. So what? You are not police of your partners past. I have more than a few close female friends that I have had sex with in the past and I dont sleep with them anymore or have any kind of romantic attraction anymore. I stopped sleeping with them for a reason. Yet they are important part of my life, they would help me get to work if my car died, help me in a financial emergency, bail me out of jail, the same as my male friends would do.. and I'd do the same for them.

 

You are being crazy. This is not a new relationship. They have a life time of memories together. After 3 decades if they wanted to be together, they'd be together & you never would have met him. Pre-existing friends, -- people who have been part of your new SO's life for years before you entered the picture -- are part of the package.<snip>

This. Pre-existing friends are part of the package. Your mistrust of this situation is a byproduct of your own insecurities, he has done nothing wrong, either has she.

Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and fix spacing

[darkmoon]

I have been single and friends with a couple. I dressed v un-sexily mostly but forgot one time (had a loose V-neck top on) so my friend calmly asked me to put my boobs away, which I did. We are all still friends.

 

 

Is she sexy, flouncing around - or - just an earnest well-wisher friend of your boyf?

 

 

 

I am reluctant to blame the OP for being insecure/jealous because we do not know if the friend is persistently sexy at her boyf or happy to look for a boyf elsewhere.

 

 

 

Ask her! Nicely, but ask... no law against it.

Edited February 24, 2019 by darkmoon

[Fair]

It smells fishy.

He had a crush on her, but yet somehow supposedly rejected HER sexual advances?? This sounds off... like he's blowing smoke up your... you know what.

 

Who knows what really happened. They may well have been together or hooked up. Do you think he's going to tell you? He's telling you there was sexual tension between them, and they were both attracted to each other. Hard to believe 'nothing happened.'

 

Besides, if your instincts are ringing, listen. You don't trust her. If you don't trust her you don't trust him by default, since there's nothing she can do to harm your relationship unless he goes for it. So the relationship is already on shaky ground.

 

Men and women can't be 'just friends', especially when young, and I'd be looking askance at any female who was hanging around my boyfriend no matter what they say. Unfortunately, since he's essentially choosing her over you, because let's face it, he'd likely dump you than lose his 'friend' you either have to put up with it or walk, because those are the only two options he's given you.

 

I wouldn't like my boyfriend calling another woman his 'best friend', either. You ought to be that.

Edited February 24, 2019 by Fair

[Turning point]

I think the more threatening aspect of this friendship is the instability of the other woman's life. It's her constant moving in and out of living with him that invites the sexual advances and lack of appropriate boundaries. She has a sense of entitlement toward your BF that you are going to find very difficult to confront because he also does not appear to have good boundaries where this "friend" is concerned.

 

I think you're going to find her more like a spare tire (third wheel) in this relationship than a real friend.

[Fair]

Ok so let's say they had sex in the past. So what? You are not police of your partners past.

 

She's not part of his past if she's still in his life. Any normal human being would be uncomfortable with this.

 

 

Modern dating is BS. Look at any successful relationship and you won't see any of this crap happening. Look at say, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw... best friends and a 100% completely united front, no exes hanging around, none of this b.s happening. If you want a good relationship you need to educate yourself on how it's done. People nowadays will tell you to put up with almost anything when asking for relationship advice but that's just Wrong. People need to give their heads a shake.

 

If you're uncomfortable with this situation OP, your boyfriend should at least CARE. He doesn't.

[Fair]

I think you're going to find her more like a spare tire (third wheel) in this relationship than a real friend.

 

It sounds to me like the OP herself is the third wheel in this triad.

[crispytoast]

She might not be in the past but my point is, the sex would be. I used to see things how you see them so I get it, but I simply don't agree.

 

Faith Hill and Tim McGraw are also very conservative and that's a conservative way to look at relationship. It works for some people, and if it works for you, great! I am not threatened by my partners' past sexual partners because I know my partner is with me. I know that I provide quality of life that past partners did not provide, I know that I provide pleasure that they cannot provide.

 

 

Ok so for OP, I have question for you to ask yourself. When was last time you ****ed your man, I mean like thoroughly ****ed him? Set aside a night and build up to it, then blow his mind and if he's worth it he will blow yours back, and believe me you are the one he is thinking about at night.

Edited February 24, 2019 by crispytoast

[Fair]

She might not be in the past but my point is, the sex would be. I used to see things how you see them so I get it, but I simply don't agree.

 

Faith Hill and Tim McGraw are also very conservative and that's a conservative way to look at relationship.

 

She doesn't know for sure the sex is in the past. It doesn't sound much like it really is.

 

Faith Hill and Tim McGraw are doing things right, that's why their relationship works. Any body with an ounce of common sense wouldn't be inviting other men/women (Ex's) to hang around and eff up a relationship they valued.

 

 

As I said OP, people today will tell you to put up with almost ANYTHING. Don't buy into it. You owe it to yourself to be happy.

[crispytoast]

We really don't have enough information to know. We can assume either way or we can slow down for a second and not assume things at all. You clearly have an idea in your head of what you think is, and you are going to read into OPs post how you think because she is posting from a point of suspicion herself. I think it's fair for her to be suspicious but not to make assumption, and if she assumes something is that isn't and acts on those assumption, she could very well sabotage what otherwise could've been a fulfilling relationship.

 

 

And by the way, you know there's many kinds more of relationship that work than that of a pair of conservative Christian country stars, right? And how their relationship might be is not necessary to be the only desired relationship archetype of everyone? Obviously you have admiration for them and I respect that in you but it is wrong to assume everyone wants that or that it is the only way that works. Just like I am nonmonogamous and I don't assume that it is the only way that works or that many others want the same thing. However, her man seems at least to believe that he should be allowed to have platonic friendships with members of the opposite gender (which does not equate to nonmonogamy I add), and if OP is threatened by that without proof of any actual wrongdoing, perhaps he is not the right man for her. And by this I don't mean she should put up with it, much more that if it doesn't work for her, she should not put up with it and leave, because imo it would be selfish to either put up with it and resent the friendship or to request that he end a friendship with 30 years of history over a suspicion either.

Edited February 24, 2019 by crispytoast