Just married & struggling with wife's past, exes and lie

[mbau]

2 years ago, I met and totally fell in love with the woman who’s my wife today. We still in “honeymoon” phase as we just had our 1-year anniversary. However, during the course of the dating period and shortly after marriage, a few silly and events happened, which should otherwise mean nothing, yet the course or chain of events has been causing more harm and pain, despite their ridiculously petty and immature in nature. However, still causing sad and unnecessary damage to the good peace in our otherwise amazing marital relationship, passionate love, romance and bond.

 

1. When we started, she had been single for 1 year after terminating an engagement. She says they had no contact whatsoever for over a year. However, shortly into our dating, she one day revealed to have texted the ex to inform she had moved on, was happy, had no hard-feelings and asked to retract her last words to him during their breakup fight when she just found out he was cheating. My reaction was that had she asked me before, I would have not agreed to such necessary and irrelevant effort, specially because they had no contact, much time past, and do not see why was it important to reach out for the guy. It was not comfortable with her judgement and decision. She initially did not agree and alleged it was merely an innocent intention after having been extremely rude to him and wanted to release any bad energies or resents. When I further asked to see referred text, she said she had just deleted them. I reiterated it was very convenient that texts are deleted and added further displease over the subject. In the end I assured it bothered me but while I would never agree or understand her actions but would surely get over it with time as our relationship was just starting and many more joys to come would nullify this impasse.

I this time i had already chatted with her that by nature I am ok and easy going with any type of conflicts but it’s a total different issue if its any problem that involves another male.Had confessed that while I know its rather immature and foolish, I really have an handicap to deal with any grey areas where the name os some male comes between me and my gils. My mind and wiring just cant handle well such things and the smallest petty little feel of unease, unknown, unexplained etc anbout another guy … has been a dealbreaker before in my life. It is so unreasonal and oirrational that once some unclarity seeps in, it almost has the damaging power or effects as if it were a fact. In our random I always referred and asked that better to avoid me in such because I am aware it’s a weakness or stupidity in my mindset, but cant help it and does get me to totally change my “presence” in the affair.

 

2. Sadly, Shortly after, as we became friend in Face Book and I am peacefully going through her pictures, I came across some pictures in her page of yet another ex, who had sadly passed away. When he passed they were just friends but they kept a good friendship. So, she had made a very nice eulogy message about him on her FB page/wall, which dearly showed of her profound pain for the loss, and comments such he will always be in her heart and will forever miss him etc. Given the occasion many of her friends and connections etc also added comments of how they looked good together, showed their condolences to her and asked questions about the occurrence etc. It was clear that many of the comments showed they did not know they were just friends at the time of his death and also wrote messages of encouragement and support to her almost as if she was a grieving ex. Again we had another EX related problem and my position was to ask if she could take it down as even thou I respect and understand the loss of a close friend or ex, I still felt it was unnecessary to keep those dedications and comments in her page because they are out of context now due to my existence and really bothered me that in my fiancé’s public page there were such profound messages towards one ex-somebody which she may still nurture same feelings and my respect as well but did not have to be all over the privileged forum of her social media. I was the fiancé and not even I had one single message in her page nor any dedicatory anything. Sounded awkward to me. At this point I am not offended by it until she repeatedly manifested disagreement and to my position as being inconsiderate of a dear friend who was not even alive etc – she was not willing to take the pictures down. Then after so much back/forth issues between us because of that, she eventually, very unhappily, accepted to take down only part of the pictures, specifically where any of the comments may have been referring to their dating period. Otherwise she wanted to keep it up. Now I am becoming infuriated with the exes here and triggering my weakness and difficulty to have some male name between us. I believed her priority should have been accommodating me the living and current concern in her life than to make some heroic stand of demonstration of loyalty or affections to deceased ex/friend. After some unpleasant discussions over the subject she eventually agreed to take it down. I would say that again I would try to get over it, but surely my ego, personality or some ridiculous primitive male self was triggered and creating potential room to compounded problems over time instead of disappearing as thought. Moving on …

 

3. During dating and as we talked our sexuality issues as any normal couple, we spoke about anal sex, which she firmly commented always that had never done anal and has been keeping it to future husband. That she would want to take that into her man/partner after marriage. Anal was never an obsession, live well without it, and while I would want to someday have that experience with her … I was also not fussy about when or how soon. Our sexual life has always been great and passionate and that was merely a discussion with no much importance. However, months after we got married and were celebrating the 3 month anniversary and were travelled in great romance and passion as usual … somehow the matter came up and we consensually explored the “special” and memorable moment in our joint and intimate life. However, although she showed all signs of a first-timer, and even (jokingly) congratulated me for having been that special guy in her life (which clearly fed into my male instincts of pride, joy and even manliness or masculinity appropriations … why not. Despite all that, I still could tell something was off. The following days I kept probing around the issue and felt further worrisome about something I didn’t know. After much probing and following gut feeling, it was disclosed to me that during a second engagement, or perhaps, during her first engagement, the partner made an non-consensual attempt while she slept totally passed out from a long night out where both had attended some party. This clearly was very disturbing as I questioned why the lie and acting/representation so well done with emotions and detail acting to simulate me being the first experience and first to break? I had never asked to be first anything and never suggested that. The lie had a very negative impact that reached into trust issues considering the determination and deliberate intention/and acting up to convince or grant me some feeling of special something which was but fraudulent/false, right in my face. This surely is a reaction which results from previous ex episodes above … serious trust , suspicions and question marks seeped in. This is added by or aggravated by inevitable retroactive jealousy and inevitable discomfort and comparisons over ultimate values, meaningfulness and other uncertainties over her priorities, relationships and true feelings etc … the mind keeps going into a very dangerous mixed feelings and resent which is now very worrying. However, it appeared that other than causing some morning discomfort when regained consciousness in the morning, own perception was that the unauthorized or forced attempt was unsuccessful. She says she never allowed him again there. That had supposedly been the anal experience – virtually a rape case. However, never again would mean that relationship continued even after a rape attempt – did not seem normal. However still felt more was being kept and pressed on for days. Then the story was further changed and adde new data as to there was yet another anal sexual experience with the same dude later on, where it was then consensual. However, the dude was so violent and abusive which caused injury and massive bleeding on anal organ. She reported from therfe on the relationship started cool off and his cheating brought the engagement also to an end. She says that was the whole story and has been traumatic to even remember that such took place and ththerefore on her own mind she created the illusion that it never happened and therefore the narrative that the husband was the first time ever … because it is the one that counted and she wanted to feel she gave the husband that gift of anal virginity.

Our marriage is still strong and we are moving forward for sure but I am clearly not over the issues and I do not seem to make any progress and have been impacted into sudden variations of mood and interaction with her which are directly connected with some deep sense of anger and disappointment alongside jealousy for her lie, illusion, acting and above all …. Cold blood to attempt to maintain a lie until it was forced out from her … am I so wrong in feeling this way? Having some considerable trust dilemma over at least a specific are and specific personality traits? Struggling to trust my wife onconditionally agbain …. I love her … but have been more rude to her that any loving

[Mr. Lucky]

but have been more rude to her that any loving

 

You left out abusive, unkind, inconsiderate and manipulative.

 

mbau, I can tell you from experience, in any marriage there are real problems, you won't have to search for, invent or create them from your own paranoid speculations.

 

Right now, you seem like you're not happy unless you're making yourself unhappy, and your spouse too. How long do you think this woman you say you love will put up with this craziness? If you have access to counseling, you should talk to someone about this self-destructive inclination. You might be newly married, but could easily be headed towards newly divorced...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

My mind and wiring just cant handle well such things and the smallest petty little feel of unease, unknown, unexplained etc about another guy … has been a dealbreaker before in my life. Now I am becoming infuriated with the exes here and triggering my weakness and difficulty to have some male name between us.

 

During dating and as we talked our sexuality issues as any normal couple, we spoke about anal sex, she firmly commented always that had never done anal and has been keeping it to future husband.

 

To be clear, because you have written a wall of text here...

 

You are unhappy because your wife has a past and because she lied to you about the fact that she had never had anal sex before? Is that the bottom line?

 

Were You not aware of the fact that this woman has had two failed engagements? That means, she has at least two very significant ex’s ... considering how you feel about the smallest little petty feeling of uncertainty about another man - either real or imagined - why did you marry a woman who has had two failed engagements?

 

As for the anal sex, you do realize that you have no right to any information about her sexual past (assuming that any discussion about sexual history would focus on health and safe sex). She is not obligated to tell you anything about her past history with anal sex. And, if this is what you chose to make an issue in your marriage, how are you going to handle the really difficult things down the road...

 

I agree with Mr Lucky. You should consider counselling to help you to deal with your irrational jealousy before it destroys your marriage. Life is hard enough without creating more problems for yourself, especially where none exist...

Edited March 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Cullenbohannon]

Thats it? Thats your story?

 

You have got to be kidding me.

 

X #1 she said goodbye, AND TOLD YOU about it. Nothing shady there

X#2 is dead.

X#3 raped her.

 

She is open sexually with you and still you complain.

 

Here is a thought. Bypass the counselling for your insecurities and thank God anyone married you. Focus on being a better man than any of her past lovers and perhaps she just may forget the unnecessary drama that you brought into the marriage.

 

As a recently married man, i suggest you focus more on the sex she had last night (and tonight) then what she had 3 years ago. Rock her world in a good way, not with these weak excuses or your attempts to control her.

 

If you continue, you will be posting in the SAD section. Seperation and Divorce.

 

Apologize to your wife. Today

 

Strength and Honor, brother.

Edited February 14, 2019 by Cullenbohannon

[4fin]

There is some good news. Thank God this forum is anonymous. When someone tells me something way off the mark I'll ask them to write it down which you have done. If that doesn't work I'll ask them to read it. If they are still at a loss as to why I asked them to write and read their thoughts I'm done. You're lucky you're married. You're wife is another story. With your hangups on x's you should stick with 13-14 year olds were it not illegal but I'm sure you would still have issues. Good luck.

[stillafool]

I think people are being too hard on you OP. While those events do seem rather minor except for the rape; it's the lies that are disturbing. Like you said you never asked her about the anal so why lie and tell you that you are her first when she knows that isn't true. I would take down the photos on my dead ex's site as well to respect my new husband. I doubt she would want her husband's picture with another woman on any site either. That's just not cool. It's going to take some time to get over these issues and hopefully nothing else comes out.

[koolykat]

Here's my reaction -

 

FIRST: with regard to the last situation, I think you should give her a break. This sounds like it was a really traumatic experience from her, and her mind did what it needed to do to protect her from this painful memory. Besides, what difference does it really make if you weren't her first experience with anal? What difference will it really make in the long run of your marriage? It sounds like you were first positive experience with anal! That's something to be happy about.

 

I can understand your insecurity - because that's what it is. You're afraid you won't be enough for her, and these reminders of past lovers, dead or alive, make your insecurities feel more real than you want them to feel.

 

One way to start combating this - focus on how she shows you love in your real life. Stop focusing the ex's, stop focusing on photos on social media. Look at your interactions in your everyday lives. I bet you'll find there's something better there.

 

Once you believe you're worthy of love, you won't be so scared anymore.

 

Self-esteem is really important in marriage. I recently completed this marriage challenge, and it really helped me in that area. Feel free to check it out here: https://chezsullivan.com/relationship-challenge-sign-up/

[anika99]

For the first two issues I sort of get where you are coming from. It really wasn't necessary for her to tell her ex that she has moved on and happy when they were already no longer in contact. Maybe she did that because as a way of recovering her pride. He cheated on her and it sounds like she was in quite a bit of distress when they broke up. So maybe she just wanted to let him know that he didn't succeed at destroying her, her life went on, she is happy and he's not as special as he thought he was.

 

The second thing about the friend who passed away and your wife posting as though she lost her boyfriend. I don't know what she posted so I don't know if she mislead people or not, however if she didn't clear up the confusion when people mistakenly believed that she had lost a current boyfriend then I guess I can understand why that bothered you. Not that it's any reason to be jealous as obviously the friend is no threat to you now and the Facebook friends who misunderstood the nature of the relationship between the friend and your wife are clearly just shallow acquaintances otherwise they would know. I think your wife was just milking it a little and enjoying the attention.

 

The anal sex thing is a bit more complicated. I get that you were upset by what you perceive to be dishonesty. She built it up to make you believe you were the first when clearly that wasn't the case. However her past experiences were not enjoyable or consensual. You say she consented the second time but it's maybe not that cut and dried. Maybe she was pressured into consenting, maybe she was afraid to say no for some reason. If that's the case then she maybe felt in her heart that having anal with you was her first time because it was the first time she truly wanted to do it and the first time she enjoyed the experience.

 

There is no point in continuing to be rude to your wife or trying to shame her. It won't undo what has already been done. You can tell her how you feel, which I'm sure you have already done, but then you have to move on. She hasn't actually wronged you in any way. Everything you are upset about involve past relationships that have nothing to do with you and are none of your business. This all about your ego and insecurities which will destroy your marriage if you don't reign it in.

[littleblackheart]

Snap out of this anxiety - control - paranoia - insecurity negative cycle of doom you have just entered on your own volition, OP.

 

You already know this is immature, petty and highly over -reactive on your part, by your own admission. At least you are self-aware and you know you are self-sabotaging.

 

At this rate, she will tire of constantly having to appease your insecurities and will want to protect herself from your reactions. She may stop confiding in you and detach gradually, which will create a pressure cooker environment for you both. Or she may simply walk away.

 

This isn't too late, but you need to properly address the underlying reasons causing your trust issues. Unless you address them head on, these problems won't go away.

[DonaldDuckster]

My mind and wiring just cant handle well such things and the smallest petty little feel of unease, unknown, unexplained etc about another guy … has been a dealbreaker before in my life. Now I am becoming infuriated with the exes here and triggering my weakness and difficulty to have some male name between us.

 

During dating and as we talked our sexuality issues as any normal couple, we spoke about anal sex, she firmly commented always that had never done anal and has been keeping it to future husband.

 

To be clear, because you have written a wall of text here...

 

You are unhappy because your wife has a past and because she lied to you about the fact that she had never had anal sex before? Is that the bottom line?

 

Were You not aware of the fact that this woman has had two failed engagements? That means, she has at least two very significant ex’s ... considering how you feel about the smallest little petty feeling of uncertainty about another man - either real or imagined - why did you marry a woman who has had two failed engagements?

 

As for the anal sex, you do realize that you have no right to any information about her sexual past (assuming that any discussion about sexual history would focus on health and safe sex). She is not obligated to tell you anything about her past history with anal sex. And, if this is what you chose to make an issue in your marriage, how are you going to handle the really difficult things down the road...

 

I agree with Mr Lucky. You should consider counselling to help you to deal with your irrational jealousy before it destroys your marriage. Life is hard enough without creating more problems for yourself, especially where none exist...

 

He has a wife who regularly lies to him and has little respect for him. As for knowing his wife’s sexual history, he has every right to know everything about his partner for life. If you won’t be honest with your spouse, you should not be married. If you are embarrassed by your past just realize that actions have consequences. Many men will not marry someone with a promiscuous past.

[healing light]

I'm just going to be straight with you: you sound like a nightmare to be in a relationship with.

 

1. This woman sent a message to clear bad blood so she can move forward with her life. And told you about it. I'm the type of person who does not feel good leaving ends untied if my behavior was regrettable in any way, so I can see where apologizing for her end of things would be therapeutic.

 

2. You're jealous of a dead guy. Really? It's incredibly insensitive and controlling of you to ask her to take down what is essentially a little tribute or memorial for him. When someone passes, tributes like that can hold great sentimental value. It's not like the man is going to resurrect from the dead and bang your wife. I would have kicked you to the curb for asking that of me.

 

3. This woman was raped by her ex and suppressed another memory associated with it. You essentially re-traumatized her around anal. Be grateful she ever even considered taking it up the butt for you. Many won't with no history of trauma.

 

You need to check yourself. If you continue to do this long-term, your wife will become a shell of herself. It's clear she already must live with the sense of walking on eggshells all the time to appease you--and no, this isn't something that can just be rationalized away because it's the way you are. If you want a healthy relationship, you need to get yourself into some form of therapy.

[oldlion]

I haven't submitted a post on LS in a good while, but after reading this I feel compelled to do so. Here is my observation. You sir, are too emotionally insecure and lacking in self confidence to be in a relationship with your wife. Enjoy what you have now because you keep pushing her the way you are doing and it won't be long before she will be looking to trade you in for someone more self aware. I do wish you well.