Consistent breadcrumbs. I'm ignoring but is that the right thing to do?

[pupperonijones]

Last week he told me he was having doubt about breaking up with his ex late last summer. I in his life for a short period before the break up as a friend but I never pushed him to do it even though I do know my presence played a role. Now I think he wonders if he was too quick to give up on them (even though they had been together for 4.5 years and he had been unhappy for a while before I even entered the picture.) He cried a lot when we talked and seemed genuinely confused. He was worried if he didn't at least talk to her and try that he'd always wonder but he was also conflicted because he said he could see being in a relationship with me too (we were never bf/gf but definitely more than friends.) I told him that I wanted him to go and see about things with her because if he didn't I would still always feel like I only had half of him and I'd rather have none of him that that. I also told him I could no longer be in his life during this time because it's not good for me. That hurt him the most and he pretty much had a meltdown over it. Of course he's not listening though...

 

We had this talk last Thursday and talked a little more on Friday. They met up to talk on Saturday and I made a date with a guy who had been wanting to go out with me for a while now. I'm not trying to get involved with anyone new so soon but thought it'd be nice to get out and it was. I posted on Snapchat about how nice my date was. On Sunday morning he texted me, "I still feel bad name. I don't want you to hate me." I didn't reply. Tuesday afternoon he texted me, "I hope you're doing well name. I can't get song we used to sing together out of my head." I didn't reply but later in the evening I posted some snaps (I always just send them to my stories - I don't directly send anything to him and haven't since I went NC) of songs that were clearly directed at him so I guess breadcrumbing him in a way. Early this afternoon (Wednesday) he sent me a snap, the first one he had sent me in about a week. It was just a video of the snow falling. I did not respond and ended up taking a super long nap just to stop myself from doing so, heh.

 

I know right now he's not emotionally available, and I need to give him space to sort out his feelings for both his ex and me. Figure out what he really wants. I think he truly needs to be alone to do that, but I don't think he realizes that unfortunately. But I'll be honest and say I would like to see if maybe sometime down the road when he has sorted out his **** and the timing is better we could try again. I stupidly told him this on Thursday night so I think he thought it'd be easy to go and see if things worked with his ex because if not I'd still be willing to try. I wish I had kept that to myself even if it is the truth. I was also fresh out of a LTR when we got together so I think I understand his feelings better than some would right now, and I appreciate the fact that he was honest with me even though it hurt.

 

So now I'm wondering what to do. Is ignoring the right option in this situation? I feel bad every time I do it but I feel like he needs to miss my presence in his life to fully miss me. It's just hard when he's reaching out so often. I don't want him to think I don't want anything to do with him, and I'm worried if I keep ignoring him he will. I just really want to give him space while he's working through all his confusion but now I'm confused too.

[d0nnivain]

He's trying to soften the blow & deal with his own issues.

 

If you want him to leave you alone, tell him that. My reply would be something along the lines of

 

I'

m

not sure why you keep reaching out. You don't have to check on me. It's sweet of you to be concerned by there is no need. My world didn't shatter when you decided to go backwards in your life. You need to go figure out what connections you may still have with your EX. As I much as I would have preferred that you chose to work on us, I get that you didn't. But please if you ever cared about me, leave me be. I have to move forward in my life & by your choice that means going in a different direction from you.

 

Hopefully that will make him stop

[fieldoflavender]

Breadcrumbs are the stupidest thing ever. They are even more stupid when you aren't even hurting for them but you just want them to go away.

 

Basically you make a decision and you stick with it. You leave the other person alone unless you want to get back together. At which time they may or may not want that. And they won't forget you wanted to break it off with them.

 

It's like they want to have their cake and eat it too. It's incredibly selfish.

 

Maybe you can block them.

[d0nnivain]

Breadcrumbs are annoying but there is a difference between a trail intentionally laid to lure you into a trap & those that fall carelessly to the ground while the other person goes munching along without thinking about the mess that is being created in his/her wake.

 

I don't think this guy is trying to mess with your head or keep you dangling on the end of a line, although there may be a bit of keeping you as plan B in case things with his EX don't pan out, but I'm not seeing the cold calculation of intentional harm here. Still it needs to stop.

[BaileyB]

I know right now he's not emotionally available. But I'll be honest and say I would like to see if maybe sometime down the road when he has sorted out his **** and the timing is better we could try again.

 

I was once in a similar situation. There was nobody else, but he was not emotionally available and he needed to get his life sorted.

 

He was also kind enough to tell me that he was not ready... I thanked him for his kindness because I would rather he be honest than string me along. He asked if we could be “friends” and I said sure, but I didn’t want to “date” him if there was no hope for a long term relationship. That was what I wanted, and if I spent all my time with him I wouldn’t be available to meet other people. So, we ended on friendly terms and went about our lives...

 

I will say this, if it’s meant to be, it will be. But, you can’t live your life waiting and hoping for something, that may never happen, to happen. Go about your life, study/work, go out with friends, date other people... you will be more attractive to him because he knows you have self respect, healthy boundaries, and your own life.

 

Make peace with the fact that he may not come back to you. And, that’s ok. It wasn’t like you were married with three kids... life goes on, there will be other men. And, even if there are not, you will be ok.

 

Question sera, sera. My guy came back a year and a half later. I had bought my own home, travelled to Europe, and dated other men... we have been together now for three years.

[BaileyB]

Breadcrumbs are annoying but there is a difference between a trail intentionally laid to lure you into a trap & those that fall carelessly to the ground while the other person goes munching along without thinking about the mess that is being created in his/her wake.

 

Absolutely. As my mother used to say, this guy doesn’t know if he is coming or going... He needs to get his head on straight. You need to shut him down kindly, and encourage him to do that.

[pupperonijones]

Thank you all so much for your comments! They made me feel a lot better.

 

But I have more news... After I posted this he sent me more breadcrumbs. Omg.

 

So Wednesday evening he sent me a snap of his Bitmoji character guy in bed with the time on it. It made me think he was trying to tell me he was going to bed and not spending time with the ex but... I dunno just a guess. He never sent things like that before though. I opened it pretty soon but didn't respond.

 

An hour later he sent me a snap of a strand of my hair... I know that sounds so ridiculous lol. I shed a lot and we'd always joke about it because once he took a trip cross country and my hair was somehow in his pants when he got ready for bed that night. He captioned it "Always with me lol." At that same time he sent a picture of a sweet note I had written to him before. He captioned it, "I still read this whenever I'm feeling down. Tysm." I say "tysm" instead of thank you all the time and anyone who is my friend knows that's my thing so that's why he said that.

 

It's just so weird. I think he misses me but right now that's not enough for me. I also know he's not going to be 100% emotionally available in less than a week even if he has decided he regrets his decision. I don't know what to do. I don't want to block him because I'll admit it feels a little validating seeing him send all these little things to me. I'm not in a deep despair over them so I feel okay seeing them.. it's just WEIRD. I don't know if my absence is getting to him or what.

 

ETA: I feel like I should add when he found a strand of my hair in his clothes on his trip I joked and said I was always with him so he didn't say that in a creepy way or anything lol.

Edited February 14, 2019 by pupperonijones
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