Abetterme Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Savannah - This is an extremely painful thread to read, especially having reviewed your lengthy history on LS. This man has given you NOTHING and you have wasted 6 years giving so much of your energy to him. Please, please....take a step back and read your posts as if you were reading the words of your best girlfriend. Would you encourage her to hang on, to allow someone to treat her like this? I would look my friend in the eyes and tell her she is worth more. Regain your dignity and let him go. As other posters have said, get into counseling. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 OP this isn't even a new issue for you. You've been posting here for years and your MM has been doing this hot/cold on/off thing for years. This time is no different. You already know that he will be back so no need to worry or act as if the affair is actually over. You will be back in bed with him in no time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Oh I truly believe the guilt he felt during his affair with me caused changes in him at home. He was probably more attentive and more willing to do things for her knowing he was getting a little extra on the side as a reward for being the “dutiful husband Why do so many ow think this? I fact, the exact opposite is often true. The WH/WW often becomes quite unpleasant and even cruel. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Savannah - This is an extremely painful thread to read, especially having reviewed your lengthy history on LS. This man has given you NOTHING and you have wasted 6 years giving so much of your energy to him. Please, please....take a step back and read your posts as if you were reading the words of your best girlfriend. Would you encourage her to hang on, to allow someone to treat her like this? I would look my friend in the eyes and tell her she is worth more. Regain your dignity and let him go. As other posters have said, get into counseling. OP, I'm not saying this to be facetious. Are you sure part of you doesn't actually like ( or at least think you deserve) the way he treats you? Is the affair actually a way of self protection for you? So long as you remain tied to him, you can avoid the unknown? As the saying goes, " better the devil you know". Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Oh I truly believe the guilt he felt during his affair with me caused changes in him at home. He SELFISHLY took from you for 6 years by choice. Iif this lying user had ANY guilt at all for anything he's done to either of you women for the last 6 years, he sure as hell wasn't letting it get in the way of him having his fun on the side, now was he? No sir, he was not. But it's sure a convenient excuse NOW to use so you let him dump you without making a stink about it or exposing him to his wife. He's not leaving this affair due to guilt - he's leaving it because he's DONE having his fun and as I said before, because the risk no longer outweighs the reward. He just wants you to think it's "guilt" because it makes him look like less of a POS so you keep your mouth shut. Let me tell you something. If this user is SO wracked with "guilt" after having had his fun for 6 years running, then I would have to imagine that carrying the burden of all this "guilt" must be enormous, right? Therefore, he simply must be bursting at the seams to confess EVERYTHING to his wife and finally own up to his behavior. I mean, that's what one DOES when they're so wracked with guilt that they can't stand it one minute more. So. When does he plan on confessing everything to his wife? You know, because he's so consumed with guilt? He's a user Savannah. Nothing more than a lowly user. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 But it's sure a convenient excuse NOW to use so you let him dump you without making a stink about it or exposing him to his wife. He's not leaving this affair due to guilt - he's leaving it because he's DONE having his fun and as I said before, because the risk no longer outweighs the reward. He just wants you to think it's "guilt" because it makes him look like less of a POS so you keep your mouth shut. IF we take what MM is saying about karma at face value, he is stopping due to his perceived fear of potential consequences. So that is his (perceived, possibly irrational) motivation. He's a user Savannah. Nothing more than a lowly user. +1 on that, sadly. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 +1 more, Savannah I advise you to turn the tables and simply say, "Well, OK then. Have a nice life." If you would begin to share even half of what you've given to him with yourself, you would be so loved and might feel like a million bucks. Six years, though... when his luck turns for the better, he'll be back. Please help him come back to a closed door. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Just tell him goodbye. And go no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 This push pull has gone on many times throughout the course of this affair. Pretty typical behavior from what I read on here. Every time it’s the same words. I care about you but I just can’t do this anymore but I want to stay friends and I still want to talk to you blah blah blah Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 This push pull has gone on many times throughout the course of this affair. Pretty typical behavior from what I read on here. Every time it’s the same words. I care about you but I just can’t do this anymore but I want to stay friends and I still want to talk to you blah blah blah Blah blah blah... how much more will you need before you decide to end it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 This push pull has gone on many times ... I care about you but I just can’t do this anymore but I want to stay friends and I still want to talk to you Even if he is sincere (and I wouldn't be putting any money on that) it would just mean that he is cycling between limerence/emotional attachment and guilt. And now throw in "fear of karma". Even if he gets over it and "comes back to you" (i.e. the limerence wins out, temporarily) he's just going to keep cycling back and forth mentally. So the push-pull will just continue. My guess is it will continue as long as you allow it to. And Mrs. December's view above could easily be right and it's all just about sex and manipulation. Think that either way the real question should be: is this what you want/deserve in your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Blue_Cloud Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 He is bored. They say within 7 years relationships are rocky. He also might be seeing another woman, and this is a excuse for him to walk. He’s simply lost interest, and wants new avenues, or just wants to walk away. You will have to let go and accept that this is both your karma. I know I get sick of the same guy in 5 years, but that’s just me Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 26, 2019 Author Share Posted February 26, 2019 Yeah he says he is just trying to do the right and honest thing by not being with me physically anymore yet he still secretly talks to me everyday multiple times and even af home at night. When we talk it is not sexual in nature but still if he wants to do the right and honest thing then why not break it off with me completely? I guess he’s ok with downgrading to a strictly emotional affair who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 Why don't you break it off from him? What are you truly getting out of this other than wasting time and energy on a man that sees you as nothing but "bad karma" and is married and not going to leave his life for you? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 Yeah he says he is just trying to do the right and honest thing by not being with me physically anymore yet he still secretly talks to me everyday multiple times and even af home at night. When we talk it is not sexual in nature but still if he wants to do the right and honest thing then why not break it off with me completely? I guess he’s ok with downgrading to a strictly emotional affair who knows. If he cared for you AT ALL Savannah, he would let you go completely so you can find someone that you deserve, someone who can provide you their 100%. EVERY action he has taken with you has been wholly selfish on his part. YOU have to figure out on your own WHY you have been ok with his actions and you alone. YOU are the source of all these issues and why you feel the way you do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 26, 2019 Author Share Posted February 26, 2019 I know. It’s just tough. He says he’s just trying to do the right thing. We have been in this affair since 2012 so a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 You've already wasted 7 years of your life on this guy...how many more are you willing to waste? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 Would you put up with this kind of crap from him if he were single? If not, then why in hell do you do it just because he's married? Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 (edited) It may be surprising, but most people with cheating spouses suffer from depression. The innate clarity of that made me LOL. I can't help but wonder if soul searching an OW forum qualifies as an off-shoot of bad Karma? OP, I think there's plenty of bad karma here - I just don't see any of it falling his way. Edited February 27, 2019 by Turning point 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 Yeah. Posting in OW forums is definitely not living the dream. he is now telling me that basically he is pulling the plug on this is because I started demanding to see him too much. So what I gathered from that is his desire to continue this with me diminished over time but mine didn’t and that led to our demise.. well my pushing led to it’s demise Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Be glad it's over. Be glad you will now be able to be with someone you can actually have! If/when he ever comes back a-knockin' don't answer the door! My two cents... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Yeah. Posting in OW forums is definitely not living the dream. he is now telling me that basically he is pulling the plug on this is because I started demanding to see him too much. So what I gathered from that is his desire to continue this with me diminished over time but mine didn’t and that led to our demise.. well my pushing led to it’s demise Time to get your head out of the clouds and recognize this for what it was... this dragged on for far too long because you refused to let it go and he was happy to exploit the situation - until it didn’t work for him anymore... Your question should not be “why did he decide to let it go” but rather, why did you cling so desperately, and for so long, to something that was pure fantasy... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Maybe it was not your pushing that led to the demise of this affair. But that it was your change in position that led to the demise. He obviously only wanted and saw you as the mistress, someone he sees part time. There's another person for the full time "role" and that's his wife. All was well and good when you are happy to settle for that. But now that you have moved out of your role and wanted more from him, the initial "terms" has changed and the affair is no longer worth it for him. All he wanted was someone on the side, part time, not another full time job. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 I know. It’s just tough. He says he’s just trying to do the right thing. We have been in this affair since 2012 so a long time. Or he is bored, so he has found a new younger model to cheat on his wife with (also cheat on you). Cheaters lie. They cannot be cheating without lying. He has been lying for seven years now. So how can you believe anything that comes out of his mouth now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 Yeah I really think this is it. I mean I don’t think I even want him anymore he’s done this to me so many times it gets really old. But who knows I hope I am strong enough to not fall back into it the minute he snaps his fingers. We work together so my first step is to find another job. I’ve been saying that for years now so I don’t even believe myself anymore. I know I need to start distancing that is my first step Link to post Share on other sites
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