Author Savannah2 Posted March 10, 2019 Author Share Posted March 10, 2019 (edited) So now he is upset and mad that he found out people have been talking about us at work. Well... I guess he thought he was above that consequence of carrying on a workplace affair. He told me that was always his biggest fear that people would talk and drag him through the dirt He told me that it must mean that we weren’t careful enough. Edited March 10, 2019 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 Well, now we know why he has walked away from this affair... With respect, you should tell him that it’s a little unreasonable for him to expect that he can have sex AT WORK and NOT have people talk... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted March 10, 2019 Author Share Posted March 10, 2019 (edited) Bailey, I don’t think that people talking about us at work is the reason he is now choosing to end the affair. This has been going on for seven years at work and people have been talking since it started. He knew that back then and chose to continue. I think he ended it because he got tired of it and I also started becoming more demanding. The “affair fog” lifted for him so to speak. I just find it interesting how instead of taking responsibility for the consequences of carrying on a work place affair for so many years, he instead blames everyone else for gossiping and I think part of him even blames me for this. I can see it now when he looks at me and talks to me. There is a contempt that I didn’t see before. I feel like he has started to demonize me and my position in his life. Edited March 10, 2019 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 Bailey, I don’t think that people talking about us at work is the reason he is now choosing to end the affair. This has been going on for seven years at work and people have been talking since it started. He knew that back then and chose to continue. I think he ended it because he got tired of it and I also started becoming more demanding. The “affair fog” lifted for him so to speak. I just find it interesting how instead of taking responsibility for the consequences of carrying on a work place affair for so many years, he instead blames everyone else for gossiping and I think part of him even blames me for this. I can see it now when he looks at me and talks to me. There is a contempt that I didn’t see before. I feel like he has started to demonize me and my position in his life. I didn’t realize that people have been gossiping about this affair for years. I thought it was a new thing. And considering that he has previously left a job for the very same reason, I can imagine that this would be very threatening to him. I still say something has changed that would warrant this kind of course correction after all these years... and yes, it is not surprising that he would need to find someone to blame - because it sure as hell isnt going to be him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted March 10, 2019 Author Share Posted March 10, 2019 I agree that something must have changed recently too for his dramatic and swift exit from this after all this time. I can speculate all I want (he’s getting more sex at home now, new OW caught his eye, affair fog lifted) but I guess I will never know and it could be multiple things. Something changed in him to now see me as the enemy Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 Savannah, you have been having sex with a married coworker for years. I am sorry to say that he has used you and the contempt has always been there. Let's talk about you. It is past time for you to think of yourself. At this time you are in a dark place but this time does not define you. I see a beautiful soul who is wounded and seeking help by subjugating yourself in a futile attempt to feel loved. You are enough, you are breathing for a reason woman and it is not to be a hapless mistress to a deceitful d....yeah, because he can't keep it focused and in one place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 I agree with the urging to get into counseling Savannah. Whatever the reason for his ending (at least for the moment) the affair, it really is a very important opportunity for you to work on healing and to get to a healthy place of really loving and respecting yourself and not allowing anyone else to disrespect you. The very nature of an affair includes a complete lack of respect for everyone involved. So many years have been lost to him. Don't let him take any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted March 10, 2019 Author Share Posted March 10, 2019 I have found that getting angry at him ending it actually makes me feel worse. I am more at peace and willing to accept it if I act like I’m not angry even if part of me really is. I have to really watch my ego here too as that is a big factor in a lot of my negative emotions here Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 (edited) It's not really about getting angry, it's about being honest with yourself. Most of the time that DOES include anger, and if it does then you have to work through that, not ignore it. Also, I found my anger was at least as much aimed at myself. I let myself down in a lot of ways, I ignored a parade of red flags. I was no victim, regardless of any vulnerability I was feeling. That anger at myself was important in making me take responsibility for my part. No matter how many lies he told me, I was responsible for going along with them and the situation. Accepting that responsibility is also important in moving on. You are not a victim, you have a choice. Feel powerful, not weak going forward. Unfortunately you are going to have times when it does feel worse, usually right after you start feeling better. That's why you get the references to a rollercoaster. Being prepared for that will help you not feel so hopeless when a low hits because you'll know that you will pull back up out of it. Edited March 10, 2019 by Finding my way 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted March 10, 2019 Author Share Posted March 10, 2019 Today I was thinking about what it was like being with him physically. It was always at work. Rushed. Fearful of someone walking in. Clothes on. No kissing. Afterwards he would always brush off his clothes and ask me to check him to make sure I didn’t leave a mark she could find. I feel pain when I think about it now. I really did romanticize our entire time together. There was absolutely nothing romantic about it. Sorry if I’ve been posting a lot. I just need an outlet for my thoughts. I know posting on here is not a replacement for actual therapy, but I do find it therapeutic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 Savannah, my hope for you is that you will do the work to one day get to a place where you will see this person as if he is a stranger... someone you never knew. I know that this is unrealistic, because you do know him. And even if you never had an affair with him, he is still your co-worker, so you would know his face if nothing else. BUT you can do the work to try your best to begin minimizing him, his importance, his influence in your life. I think you took a step when you mentioned how you began telling yourself the truth about your encounters with him... always rushed, clothes on, no kissing, AT WORK! The truth is likely to lift the fog for you. Keep telling yourself the truth. And speaking of this notion of contempt. I went to look up exactly what that word means. Disapproval + disgust. Wow. The nerve. He can have his contempt. My hope for you, Savannah, is that you can work on the look of utter and complete indifference like Kate Winslet's Clementine in the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Hugs to you. Praying you will find comfort and peace. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 I’d take a stab and say that he thought it was his wife’s fault that he wanted to cheat in the first place. And now it’s your fault too. Listen to me. His whole logic about his major fear of being talked about and his name being dragged through the mud at work is beyond idiotic. Any normal person who had that fear would do the obvious - they wouldn’t do anything to ruin their reputation in the first place. Most people don’t have sex with co-workers in the office. If it were me and he said that to me about the gossip, I’d ask, “Then how stupid were you to give people a reason to drag your name through the mud in the first place?” Savanna, your best move at this point is to stop analyzing him and his motives and what he’s thinking or feeling now. The guy is a blamer. He’s immature and doesn’t take responsibility for his own actions. Pass this off as a mistake on your part and a lesson learned. Don’t make eye contact with him at work unless it’s necessary. Don’t talk to him unless it’s necessary. When you do have to speak to him, keep it professional. Treat him like he’s nobody to you. No matter how you feel at the time, don’t show any emotion toward him - good or bad, only indifference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 His major fear of being talked about and his name being dragged through the mud at work is beyond idiotic. Any normal person who had that fear would do the obvious - they wouldn’t do anything to ruin their reputation in the first place. Most people don’t have sex with co-workers in the office. If it were me and he said that to me about the gossip, I’d ask, “Then how stupid were you to give people a reason to drag your name through the mud in the first place?”. Exactly. Most people don’t have sex at the office and the fact that he has previously had to leave another job for the same reason, yet he did it again is almost too much to believe - that he could be that stupid, that entitled, that careless... Savanah, your last post makes me so sad... having just spent the most beautiful weekend with my partner - laughing together, enjoying each other, dreaming about our forever home... I can say that you have not experienced love. What you had with this man was not love. You simply have not lived until you have cuddled on the sofa while he watches a movie that you wanted to watch, or fallen asleep while he rubbed your back or ran his fingers through your hair, or lay in his arms in the morning, or had him bring you coffee and make you breakfast...THIS is what you want, and it’s what you should be looking for. Don’t settle for anything less... and don’t think you will get it from this man who won’t kiss you and wants you to check him to see if there are any marks that his wife may notice... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted March 11, 2019 Author Share Posted March 11, 2019 (edited) I saw him at work today. He didn’t say anything just looked the other way. The last correspondence I had with him o told him that I couldn’t talk to him anymore on the app we always used to communicate. He said ok. That was it. I guess it’s really over. I really didn’t think he’d follow through because he’s done this in the past and then always come back within a week. This time seems different Edited March 11, 2019 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 I saw him at work today. He didn’t say anything just looked the other way. The last correspondence I had with him o told him that I couldn’t talk to him anymore on the app we always used to communicate. He said ok. That was it. I guess it’s really over. I really didn’t think he’d follow through because he’s done this in the past and then always come back within a week. This time seems different Good. Now stop announcing things to him. You should’ve just deleted him from that app and let him figure it out. This guy is a jerk. I don’t care how handsome he is, I don’t care how good he is in bed - or, in this case, how good he is up against the wall. Lol. Just drop it and stop letting your ego get in the way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 I saw him at work today. He didn’t say anything just looked the other way. The last correspondence I had with him o told him that I couldn’t talk to him anymore on the app we always used to communicate. He said ok. That was it. I guess it’s really over. I really didn’t think he’d follow through because he’s done this in the past and then always come back within a week. This time seems different The difference is that you are closer to breaking free of this than the other times. Do not be surprised if he waits a bit longer before yanking you back in. Its intermittent reinforcement, and taking longer (to make it hurt you more) over time and occurrences, is part of increasing your compliance and addictive feeling. That is very common in A's, even when 'unintentional'. Hopefully you can focus on your healing individually and form relationships that don't trod over other people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted March 11, 2019 Author Share Posted March 11, 2019 Today has been very tough. I’m not going to pretend it’s not. I’ve been crying a lot and have to hide it here at work. What a mess I got myself into. I wish I could go back in time. I watched the video from eternal sunshine that vivir posted and wish I could do just that. Erase him from my memory. Link to post Share on other sites
Pinknyc Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 ]I have found that getting angry at him ending it actually makes me feel worse. I am more at peace and willing to accept it if I act like I’m not angry even if part of me really is[/b]. I have to really watch my ego here too as that is a big factor in a lot of my negative emotions here *** Yes, getting angry does feel worse. A thousand times worse, but it is a process, and you cannot bystep that step. You need to endure and get through it, and there will be a shining light at the end of the tunnel, where you will feel better. It's ok to cry, feel hurt, etc., and get all your emotions out. By not allowing yourself feel anger, you think you are protecting yourself from the hurt, but in actuality just band-aiding the pain. You will need to address the anger which is really just masked pain, at some point. It is unavoidable. For me, after I have gone through a difficult situation, the angry phase is the most difficult situation, but it means you are accepting and seeing the situation for what it is. You need to stop deceiving yourself as to the true nature of this "relationship." Does the sex at the office show any respect or regard for you as a person? It has been 7 years. If he wanted to be with you, he would be by now. Time to move on. You need to value yourself more. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 Today has been very tough. I’m not going to pretend it’s not. I’ve been crying a lot and have to hide it here at work. What a mess I got myself into. I wish I could go back in time. I watched the video from eternal sunshine that vivir posted and wish I could do just that. Erase him from my memory. What exactly are you mourning the loss of, Savannah? Did you actually have any real connection with a guy that you only screwed around with at work? Are you simply unable to see what a jerk he is and that he gets his kicks out of using women? This ain’t his first rodeo, sister, but you’re acting like you’re surprised that him having sex with you didn’t change his world. And let’s not forget to mention that the guy never learns his lesson. Until you see him for the person he truly is, you’re going to get sucked right back into this holy mess again. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 Be glad that you're at a point where it's time to walk. It's 100% the best thing (even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment). Strongly consider getting out of that work environment if there's an economically safe way to do it. You don't want to be in this person's presence if you can avoid it. I think this person has been manipulating you through your emotions for much if not most of this affair. Once you get through this painful part, there will be a time to emotionally regroup, and eventually move on, hopefully to something that is much, much healthier and much more fulfilling for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted March 11, 2019 Author Share Posted March 11, 2019 I’m struggling with how to reset my life since he was such a big part of it as far as the amount of time we would communicate after work hours. We would chat every night. How do I fill the void so to speak and how do I grieve the loss of the communication with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 I’m struggling with how to reset my life since he was such a big part of it as far as the amount of time we would communicate after work hours. We would chat every night. How do I fill the void so to speak and how do I grieve the loss of the communication with him? Ok. I get that. That part is really tough and I understand why you’re hurting. I don’t know how you fill that void. That’s up to you — write a novel, go out with friends, date. Find a way and figure out a way to gain a new perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 Agree that friends and distractions will help. I suspect that after so long this (very dysfunctional) relationship has to a certain extent become part of your identity. So part of what you are experiencing is a loss or gap in your identity. I'm by no means an expert in this area. But I believe that some of the most helpful things will be things that help fill that gap - e.g. social groups, hobbies, participation in causes or events. Things that help you become the new you (or changed you if you prefer to think of it that way). At some point, presumably, a new relationship will be one aspect of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pinknyc Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 How do you move on ? Like you do when any relationship ends...mourn, keep yourself busy, cry, exercise thought control so you are not obsessively thinking about this, etc. Any relationship where there is some regularity to communication and time together is painful. There is no shortcut. Just need to go through the process. Time heals all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 Savannah, In a previous thread, you discussed the complication that your husband suspected your affair with MM, a close family friend. Have you been able to disentangle your family from his on the home/social front? Otherwise, it seems that the affair's influence could still extend beyond the workplace. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/650773-how-disengage-when-mm-family-friend 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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