Author Savannah2 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 How do you think ending this will change the dynamic at home for him? I guess I just always thought being in this affair made him so guilty that he “picked up the slack” a lot more at home while he was in this affair feeling like he could put up with a lot more crap while being intermittently rewarded with the affair.. maybe I’m wrong who really knows what was happening at home for him the past seven years he was engaged in this affair with me. I definitely think he feels a sigh of relief being free of me at least now in the short term aftermath of this ending. It’s only been about 2 weeks since we haven’t been together so idk Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 He was probably nicer to his wife while in the affair, and he’ll probably become his usual jerky self now that he has done her the favor of dropping you. You know what? This is the horrid part of you dealing with a MM. You have no clue what’s going on in his life, no idea. You need to get yourself to the point where you truly don’t give a fig about whether he’s alive or dead. That’s right about the time you’ll figure out how much of your life, time and energy you spent on this dead end relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 How do you think ending this will change the dynamic at home for him? A man who has been in an affair for seven years does not know the meaning of the word - guilt. Any “guilt” he felt for his behaviour was probably lest a long time ago... or, he could not have done what he did for SEVEN years! As to your question about how the end of this affair will change the dynamic at home for him... who cares? Why are you still so focused on this man. Look forward, not backward. It’s like, you are driving a car by looking in the rear view mirror. How do you expect to move forward with your own life if you continue to persevearte on this man and his marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 How do you think ending this will change the dynamic at home for him? I guess I just always thought being in this affair made him so guilty that he “picked up the slack” a lot more at home while he was in this affair feeling like he could put up with a lot more crap while being intermittently rewarded with the affair.. maybe I’m wrong who really knows what was happening at home for him the past seven years he was engaged in this affair with me. I definitely think he feels a sigh of relief being free of me at least now in the short term aftermath of this ending. It’s only been about 2 weeks since we haven’t been together so idk What goes on in his home, life, marriage, all of it IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Get to NC today, if your parents can take you in leave that job today, block OM. Then onto the road to recovery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 I know it’s none of my business what happens now in their marriage. I still wonder about it though... like what wil their sex life be like now that he isn’t getting extra on the side weekly?? Will it increase? Decrease? Will he forget about what it was like with me? I feel so invisible and forgotten.. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 I know it’s none of my business what happens now in their marriage. I still wonder about it though... like what wil their sex life be like now that he isn’t getting extra on the side weekly?? Will it increase? Decrease? Will he forget about what it was like with me? I feel so invisible and forgotten.. Honestly most married men compartmentalize the 2 relationships so much that one doesn't even necessarily affect the other. That was certainly the case with my MM. We should not flatter ourselves into thinking that our role in their lives was ever important enough to impact their marriage one way or the other (I know it's harsh, but true). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 It’s tough to go from someone wanting to be with you to hearing them literally give you everyone reason why they can no longer... Sorry but that's just par for the course -- you want more and more and they want less and less. My mm had all sorts of excuses for not being able to meet up (of course, the real reason was that he and his wife are attached at the hip!) Catering to YOUR needs is not what they ever thought they were signing up for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 It’s tough to go from someone wanting to be with you to hearing them literally give you everyone reason why they can no longer... But, he didn’t really want to be with you. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but if I’m remembering correctly... he took what was offered which was no strings attached sex at work, but he never gave you any promises of a future together... Sure, you miss the attachment that you had to this man. But, it was very one-sided. And, this statement is not really accurate... it’s just more do the fantasy you created about this man and this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 what wil their sex life be like now that he isn’t getting extra on the side weekly?? Will it increase? Decrease? There's a zillion other things you need to be thinking about other than this. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/600788-why-do-they-do I went back to look at previous posts to see if I had the story straight... the sad part is, I realized two things. First, as per the post above, he has done this many times before. It’s auite likely that he will come back and this cycle will continue. And second, every year you make another post about the fact that you’ve been in this four year, five year, six year affair... and you really haven’t changed very much in your thinking in all that time. Again, don’t waste more of your life’s on this man. Find yourself a counsellor Savanah. Do it for yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 I really don’t want to keep going through this but it is so incredibly painful to leave it completely after seven years. I just haven’t had the resolve or the strength to not take him back everytime he does this to me. I have a pattern of very unhealthy relationships with every man I’ve ever been with which hasn’t been many. They are either abusive, unavailable, or all of the above. I do need counseling. I’ve tried watching YouTube videos about attachment disorder and love sickness and I know I suffer from it. The patterns are all the same. It’s depressing and sad and I don’t even know what it’s like to truly be loved by someone. I don’t know how to even recognize a healthy relationship at this point. I feel like I can’t even trust myself to know what is good for me and not good for me. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 No, it’s pretty clear that you don’t know what a healthy relationship is... and that is really, very sad. Do you have coverage for counselling at work Savanah? Can you talk to your doctor and get a referral? Youtube videos are not going to be very much help... What have you done to help yourself to break this pattern? What stops you from seeking assistance? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 My health insurance covers 6 sessions of counseling then it’s out of pocket. I do need to empower myself to get help. right now I just feel so depressed that I don’t have the energy to even give myself what I need to become a healthier person. My thoughts are still so consumed with him. It’s been about 2 weeks since the last time we were together. Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 @Savannah - I’m sorry you are hurting so badly. You are not a reflection of how this man treats you. Do something for yourself and make a commitment to call a couple counselors tomorrow and make an appt. Even if only six sessions, find someone to talk to and give you some coping mechanisms. It is one small step in getting healthy and breaking this cycle that you acknowledge is there. You can think about the next step the day after. You can do this, you must. Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 Change is daunting and leaving is no doubt difficult. But take it one step at a time. You don't have to have do it all at one go. You just need to start by telling yourself you want to get better. Then change your job, and cut contact. Make getting better as a priority. Pick up a new hobby, find interest groups you can hang out in. Go hiking, learn a new language, draw, bullet journal, gardening, etc. Go volunteering at a hospital, old folks home, animal shelters, etc. Keep yourself occupied and busy. These activites could fill your life in very meaningful ways. Even if you don't take away anything from this post, at least know that being lonely/loneliness is not that bad. It is a million times better than what you have gone through for more than half a decade with this mm. Remember, start small. Just one step at a time is good enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Missinghim17 Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 He told me that he feels he needs to stop the affair because the last few times we have been together physically, something bad happens right after (car trouble, family illness or injury happened) so he thinks it’s a sign that he needs to stop. Omg I could not believe it. He really thinks that? Btw this affair has been going on for about 6 years now... I told him I think he is just looking for an excuse to end it.. what do you guys think??? My MM told me the EXACT same thing. We are long distance. Last time we spoke (back in September), before our break up, he said something bad always happens to him every time we get together. Our affair has been on and off 9 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted March 3, 2019 Author Share Posted March 3, 2019 Omg is that bad karma breakup line in the MM handbook??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 What he’s really saying when he talks about karma is that he feels extremely guilty about what he’s doing. If you need evidence that his wife means more to him than you do, you just found it. No matter how hard it is to leave after 5, 6, or 7 years, it’ll be that much harder after 9, 10, 20 years. You are completely wasting your life on this nowhere relationship. If you’ll just stay away from him and exit his life, in 5 years or less, you’ll thank yourself. Or you can stay with him and find yourself still talking about this crap on this board 5 years from now. Which is more appealing? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 What he’s really saying when he talks about karma is that he feels extremely guilty about what he’s doing. Either that or it’s total BS... for whatever reason, he has decided to end the affair and rather than say, I don’t want this anymore... he’s gave this line that is total BS. Either way, he has clearly chosen his wife. Do with that information what you want Savanah. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted March 4, 2019 Author Share Posted March 4, 2019 (edited) I know he has chosen his wife over me. It makes me feel so insecure. I keep thinking about all the ways she must he better than me. She has recently lost a lot of weight, she’s been working out and just things seem better between them. I feel like he used me during a period of time when things were bad between them and now she’s picking up and I’m left discarded and feeling so badly about myself . We haven’t been together physically in over two weeks but we stoill see each other at work and talk on the app we use to chat. I’m thinking that needs to end too though because it just keeps me connected to him Edited March 4, 2019 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 He did use you and still is. Yes, you need to cut all personal ties with him. No matter how hard it is, it’s in your best interest. You’re not better or worse than his wife. They have a marriage, they took vows, they spend their days and nights together, they have all their interests mingled into one another. Sex with an outsider rarely trumps that. And don’t take the word ‘rarely’ to mean you have a chance with him. Dump him and hold your head high. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 He has used you to fulfill his needs quite selfishly for the entire duration of the affair. Please get away from him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 Am I right in thinking this man only saw you at work? That he has never put any effort into the affair? You need to go as completely NC as possible, only talk if work demands it. This man has shown you who he is for 6 years, it's time to believe him! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 (edited) Am I right in thinking this man only saw you at work? That he has never put any effort into the affair? That is my understanding. Which means, something must have really changed for him to turn down no-strings attached sex at work after six years. I doubt it’s a crisis of conscience. As has been discussed, I’m more inclined to think that there is someone else who has caught his eye or he is simply resetting the playing field, to lower expectations yet again... The fact that he is still texting with you tells me that he is not done. I hate to say that, because I don’t want to give you hope. But, considering he has done this before and you are still in contact, I think he will come around again... As for your depression that he has chosen his wife and that she must be better than you... it’s a little delusional to think that you ever stood a chance. She wears his ring, she shares his home and I’m assuming his children... you can’t compete with that. Certainly not if you are only engaged in a “workplace affair” where he has put minimal effort into grooming you and engaging you in the relationship... it’s not a reflection of who you are or what you have to offer a man. It’s just fact. But, the fact that you would compare yourself to his wife and that you would be willing to accept so little from a man is most definitely a reflection of where you are in your life right now... which is why we have all been encouraging you to get some counselling. Edited March 4, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted March 4, 2019 Author Share Posted March 4, 2019 (edited) Yes it was a workplace affair only meaning we only were together physically at work . he would never agree to meet me anywhere else for fear of getting caught. I don’t know what changed to make him decide he was done. He expressed guilt taking a toll on him and also he said I was causing a lot of stress on him by asking and pressuring him to meet me when he said he couldn’t and then I would get angry. I asked him if he was interested in someone else and he said no. I tend to think he’s just tired of the situation and the workplace only sex has gotten old and stale and he fears getting caught there too. I am not his first affair. He was caught texting and deleting messages from a co worker at his workplace prior to moving to my workplace and meeting me. Edited March 4, 2019 by Savannah2 Link to post Share on other sites
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