Really Struggling Today

[InvisibleLady]

The article wouldn’t let me copy chunks, but what caught my eye was “she wasn’t addicted to the AP; it is the unlived part of herself that she is drawn to.”

That resonated with me a lot. I live in a quiet small town in a “reserved” part of the country with a wonderful man who is also very reserved and kind of vanilla. With my EAP I was able to be completely myself, and be the slightly wild and sexual person I used to be (through sharing fantasies and lines via email, not physically). I realized I missed her. And with him, I could so easily be her—just ME—not wife, mother, etc. just me. I know that is due to the affair bubble, but it’s intoxicating and hard to resist.

 

 

I can TOTALLY relate to this...and what BourneWicked is saying as well. I am not sure it is totally xMM that I miss, I mean, I miss the friendship and communication but also very much miss who I was when in the R with him.

THIS is profound: “she wasn’t addicted to the AP; it is the unlived part of herself that she is drawn to.”

 

Great article and thank you for sharing!

[BourneWicked]

I am struggling with this too. I actually found an interesting article today:

 

The article wouldn’t let me copy chunks, but what caught my eye was “she wasn’t addicted to the AP; it is the unlived part of herself that she is drawn to.”

 

That resonated with me a lot. I live in a quiet small town in a “reserved” part of the country with a wonderful man who is also very reserved and kind of vanilla. With my EAP I was able to be completely myself, and be the slightly wild and sexual person I used to be (through sharing fantasies and lines via email, not physically). I realized I missed her. And with him, I could so easily be her—just ME—not wife, mother, etc. just me. I know that is due to the affair bubble, but it’s intoxicating and hard to resist.

 

Yes - thanks for sharing the article! And I think that's a huge part of it. In my relationship with SO, he's actually pretty adventurous sexually. We both are. What's missing is that build up and foreplay. MM is articulate and clever and used to write me a romance in real time that I always wanted to say yes to. All the dirty talk and speculation, and hinting at fantasies, can be sexier than the act itself.

 

Disappointing, this may or may not make you feel better - but I was always the one to set no contact, and hold it (and cave eventually). But secretly, deep down, I was always hoping he would contact me - or something situational would come up that would force contact. Your AP is likely having as hard of a time of it as you are (maybe not, but there's a good chance) and she's just set her mind not to contact. Which is why I say - NC only works if you mean it.

 

Jah, you are my hero. I'm hoping to be where you're at some day soon.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Bourne, I just went and read the two threads you started on LS. It was so helpful to read thoughts and advice from people who work with their AP. Doesn't make it easier, but it helps to see others' struggle and not feel so alone. I don't know what I would have done without the support of LS--so glad I found it.

 

And Dissapointing, I was thinking the same thing as Bourne. I'm sure your AP misses you terribly and is struggling as well. You are probably both hoping the other will reach out, but as you know nothing good will come of it anyway. That's what I keep telling myself to make myself feel better that my AP has moved on and has not contacted me in a personal way since things ended at the end of July. I think: ok, so let's say he comes to me tomorrow saying all those things I'd love to hear--then what? We're still both married and have no intention of leaving those marriages, so that leaves me exactly where I am now, except it's now and not a year from now without all the extra heartache in between. Easier said than done though, right?

[BourneWicked]

Notadaygoesby, to have the MM actually tell you he had another AP must have been heartbreaking. That's really, truly awful. In some ways, I guess at least he told you instead of dragging out two relationships where you're not just second in line for his attention but third. That would be completely crazy making. But why he started it in the first place...!! That's pretty crazymaking in itself. I'm sorry for the LC - when I still had to see MM, it was a terrible rollercoaster. Now, it's so limited that it's still a roller coaster but the hills are much less steep.

 

I get jealous a lot of MM, and I don't like that jealous person. Since i know what he's capable of, and that he's very flirtatious and friendly, I have constant "what if" thoughts. What if he moves onto someone else, what if he likes her more than me, what if - since she's actually in the same state as him, he starts something physical up with her. And - to a degree - I'm the problem, because I basically think this about all the attractive women I work with - that since MM is attractive to me, they would be just as susceptible to his charms.

 

And, like somehow I want to be in a monogamous secondary relationship with him. Because that's realistic. Since it's down to basically nothing, I initiated NC again. Which I think could work - but it's basically guaranteed I will see him next year. In the meantime, I'm going to work on myself... but hey it's day one. I feel strong in my ability not to contact, no matter how much it hurts. I think spelling out to myself, over and over, the reasons it doesn't work will be helpful. Also: I don't like the jealous me. The me that has nothing to do with him thinks that I'm smart, pretty, hardworking, and kind. The me that gets involved with him is petty and jealous and overthinks everything.

 

I'm hoping that I can heal enough in this time of NC that when I do end up interacting with him again, I want nothing to do with this. My fear is that... every recovering alcoholic feels the same way until a well-meaning friend hands them a glass of wine.

 

I worked out today and I'm feeling pretty good, some serious weekend plans to keep my mind off things. Good luck all =)

[carhill]

I think experience helps. Life experience. I find managing attachments far easier pushing six decades on the planet, and having been married. It's easier to accept them and process them and enjoy whatever happens without expectations. Moments in life versus you and me forever. I let that go when getting divorced.

 

With the holidays upon us, it'll be interesting to see how it goes. I wish you well OP in reconnecting with your H. I'm going to try this with one MW who slipped with me, to really sell her on the value of the man she married and has been with for decades. It won't be easy, sure, but that's where long experience comes in. Gently sour the milk on myself and simultaneously leave the path open to her real love, her family, lifestyle and H. I think she'll make it. Women, and men, sometimes slip a bit. People who love them can help them get up and get back into their lives. Then we all go on. Billions of us around so plenty of opportunities while we're alive. Good luck with your efforts!

[NotADayGoesBy]

<SNIP>

 

I get jealous a lot of MM, and I don't like that jealous person. Since i know what he's capable of, and that he's very flirtatious and friendly, I have constant "what if" thoughts. <SNIP>

The me that has nothing to do with him thinks that I'm smart, pretty, hardworking, and kind. The me that gets involved with him is petty and jealous and overthinks everything.

 

I worked out today and I'm feeling pretty good, some serious weekend plans to keep my mind off things. Good luck all =)

 

Yes, I hate the person I am when it comes to him. Not only jealous like a boy crazy teenager, but what it has done to my self esteem. I'm trying so hard to not feel like the beaten down dog that I am inside. I am trying to 'fake it 'till I make it" by being cheerful and upbeat but it's a constant struggle. It doesn't help that I'm about to turn 50 and I feel like my attractiveness is about to expire like a carton of milk. As a way to manage the stress and emotional pain, I have worked out so much that I'm now 12lbs lighter and in the best shape of my life. Here comes my petty side: he made a big show the other day in rehearsal that he needed to have a belt because his pants were too loose, and I finally had to acknowledge he had lost weight. I was mad and thought: NO! That is MY thing...I'M the one who gets to look good now, not you jerkface. Ugh, so petty.

 

Fridays are REALLY hard for me, and today has been no exception. I'm trying to find a way to feel confident, but how do you do that when you feel like this on the inside? If anyone finds the key, be sure to let the rest of us know.

Edited November 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BourneWicked]

Thanks Carhill for the kind wishes and insight! That's part of it too - I don't expect 'us, forever' but this sort of relationship is a breeding ground for insecurity and jealousy for me. Honestly - if I could accept the 'you're not mine and I can't expect to have any idea what you're up to at any given moment', I could do this forever. I really enjoyed most of the relationship. And I'm sure NC won't get rid of any fantasies I had about what we could do together. But the insecurity creeps up when there is space between our contact, and that changes me. It's a need I could express to MM, and he probably would have done something about it. But, the nature of the relationship, not sure it was a surmountable issue.

 

Being accepting of what you have in the moment - presence. That's something I'm going to work on in my other relationships. Life is too short... and it was something I noticed from both of us; when we were 'living' life and enjoying ourselves, contact slowed down on either side. What it means for him, what it means for me - when you're happy you don't need me.

 

Notadaygoesby - this is kind of stupid and silly, but I like to remind myself that there are always men older than me that will find me attractive (AND men younger than me that find me attractive!!) I think this is where the self-esteem bit comes into play in the affair. As you said, many As have to do with how we feel (old, insecure, overweight, ugly, etc). So - advice you've probably heard before - do the opposite of that. Do things that make you feel smart, attractive, funny, in your element. Hang out with people, friends that make you feel that. I know though - when you're in that void it's really hard to escape it. And I'm good today. But tomorrow, the next, I might be right down there with you

[bewell]

FAIL!

 

Not good. We will meet tomorrow for the first time in 16 months! We last saw each other July 2017 and after that we went NC for 7 months and he broke down this past March. It was a rocky on and off situation due to a lot of emotions, resentment, unresolved issues...etc etc so we would go in waves of talking and no talking. Fast forward to last month when the last time we connected again and now we will see each other face to face. I'll tell you guys this: he says nothing physical will ever happen bc "we're just friends". Do I believe him? kind of.

 

I know what some of you will say. I'm taking a risk and choosing to do this. If I get hurt, there's no one to blame but myself.

Edited November 10, 2018 by bewell

[BourneWicked]

Hmm Bewell - sounds like you may be hopping back on the rollercoaster. probably expect the same outcome... but enjoy the ride!

[NotADayGoesBy]

Wow Bewell—first time in 16 months! That’s a long time. So what are you hoping will happen? Do you want closure? To be friends? I’m just curious. Good luck, I hope you get the outcome you’re looking for.

 

As painful as it’s been that I was dumped because my OM already had a mistress, at least I don’t have to worry about on again/off again. I just need to find a way to be around him as little as possible because it’s too painful to see him. I feel like I’m never going to get over him otherwise.

 

Carhill I wish I could be that way with attachments-take things in the moment and not get too...well, attached. I thought that’s what I was doing. I’m an idiot. I should have known. I’ve been so starved for deeper connections/friendships in my life. Of course it was going to end this way for me.

[bewell]

@NotADayGoesBy Wow Bewell—first time in 16 months! That’s a long time. So what are you hoping will happen? Do you want closure? To be friends? I’m just curious. Good luck, I hope you get the outcome you’re looking for.

 

I'm not sure. I have no expectations and neither does he. I learned a lot from our past and I have better control of things and so does he. We both see a difference in how we handle things when it comes to us. It was a really nice meeting! It was as if no time had passed. Of course it was sad to say bye at the end because we don't know if today's meeting will be the last. And with the holidays approaching we won't be spending any time of that together, perhaps just in spirit.

[BourneWicked]

Bewell - sorry if that sounded cynical. Hope all does go well for you though... maybe the NC has brought some distance that helped clarify what you both need.

[misspalmy]

Not good. nc but we have a son and another one on way.

 

I have to deal with him grrrrrrrrrrr

[NotADayGoesBy]

I was just wondering how everyone was doing?

 

Things kind of came to a head with xOMM. He told me he told his wife about his AP in mid October which really surprised me (but never mentioned us). Then I found out who his AP was and I was right: it was my friend (she told me she is getting a divorce so that was all I needed. XOM confirmed it when I confronted him). I already basically knew, but to know for sure was another thing. I felt devastated and heartbroken all over again, and the worst part was I had to be around the two of them constantly for two more weeks. I thought I would die, because they sure don’t act like their A is over (and it’s probably not). It was torture and my mental health really suffered-I’m still not sure how I made it through.

 

Anyway. I feel like I was in a holding pattern of misery and grief for 4 months. Now I’m 2 weeks into not having to see either of them all the time. He knows I don’t want to see him so he has not tried to make conversation all the times we have run into each other. I have done everything I can to avoid them both but I end up seeing at least one of them almost once a day. I even skipped a meeting on Tuesday because I need some time away from him, although no matter what I do I still seem to see him walking somewhere, or leaving the copy room, etc. Seeing their stupid cars in the parking lot make me feel awful and wonder if they are still seeing each other. How lame is that to be triggered by a car?

 

I’m going to IC because I’m still really having a hard time dealing with this situation. I’m hoping I can finish being in this level of hell and move to the next slightly less painful one, which is hopefully one where I don’t cry every day. I’m going to talk to IC today about talking to H about our marriage and what we’d like to improve. Bringing this stuff up with him is harder than I thought it’d be.

 

Anyway, as I reread this thread it made me think of everyone and wonder how you are all doing with your struggles. Hopefully better than I am!

[BourneWicked]

So sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm glad you're in IC... I haven't had the guts to do it, I'm too distrusting to get in with a local counselor in my small town. That sounds truly horrible. I kind of expect the MM in my situation to get involved in something else (if he hasn't already)

 

Triggered by a car is understandable. Ugh that's truly awful that it was your friend as well. Honestly I think you're holding up pretty well, all things considered. I feel like, when I haven't had a 'hit' for so long, my brain dreams him up at night just so I can get high. Triggered by a dream is even sadder

 

Today I thought, yet again... he's just some beautiful, funny married guy who has nothing to do with me. Which doesn't make it any easier. Things have been extremely LC, with him suggesting I sign onto an app we both used to use, and me thinking about it on a daily basis. I'll have to deal with him daily again shortly, where contact will just be a part of my work day, and I don't know what to do.

 

I don't know. I'm going to keep journaling the negative. It's just so frustrating how I seem stuck on this stupid, pathetic, does not live up to my base expectations 'relationship', despite the fact that it's pretty much non-existent these days.

 

Overall I've been good. There's been a day here, there where I barely thought about him. But some days... my thoughts loop really bad, wanting to tell him things. Missing him. He's not mine to miss, he's not mine to tell things. If friends was something I could have done sure. but it wasn't. And so.

 

So much of this though... is where we focus our thoughts. When I'm with friends, when I'm planning something fun, I forget about it for a while. It's hard though. I seem to enjoy wallowing in the sadness and pain. "If only..."

 

The one positive I take away is that I didn't know it was possible to connect to someone like I did with him. I know they say it's the just the trimmings of the situation, and blah blah blah, but it was nice to have someone who got my sense of humor, and laughed at my jokes, and was so very similar to me. The take away there is that if it happened once, it can happen again. You can have friendships, and meet people who 'click' with you like that.

 

So anyway, I'm trying to live in the moment, to be 'with' the people who actually are a part of my life, and to let go. Trying, trying. Take care, notadaygoesby. Hope things get better.

[FMW]

NotADayGoesBy, sorry you are struggling, so many of us can relate!

 

I found out just about a month ago that my xMM was with another OW and then I saw them together every week for a month at my normal weekly hangout spot. I was stunned and shocked and honestly still am in a way.

 

But after more than three years of loving him that was the thing that finally broke the hold for me. It gets a little easier every day now. It's as if those 3+ years were just a dream. I feel very distant and detached from him.

 

It still hurts, don't get me wrong. But knowing he's with someone else now killed the bond I felt with him.

 

Unfortunately you just got a load of new information dumped on you and are having to go back to square one to process it. Suspecting and knowing are two very different things. I'm hoping your experience will be similar to mine in that you'll move past this new pain much more quickly than previous wounds. There will probably still be triggers for quite a while but I really do believe they will be less intense as time goes on.

 

As always, hang in there!

[NotADayGoesBy]

Bourne, I live in a small town too so I can relate. In fact, the one therapist in town my insurance covers I actually sort of know through a school parent organization we volunteer for. Yeah, no thanks. I actually drive an hour to visit my therapist. A pain, but worth it for now. I'm sorry you'll be working with OM soon--I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

Finding, I followed your story and couldn't believe the woman you saw him with wasn't the W but another OW. I'm sorry you had to go through that after all you had been through together. I'm glad you feel like it was the last straw to help you move on, though. I wish I could say I had that moment of clarity, but I think it's just going to be slow and painful. I spent time yesterday reading a lot of threads of people who finally had to leave their job to move on and heal, which worries me. Leaving my job would be really difficult, so I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. But, if I'm feeling like this 4 more months from now, I probably won't care. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

 

Thanks ladies, for the encouragement!

[treehugger12]

Hi Not A Day, I’m glad to see your post. I know how hard it is being that you work with both of them, just keep in mind, that things would have been so much worse for you had you gotten in deeper with this MM like the OOW. Now that I look back on my short fling, I am so grateful that I didn’t get sucked in even more into the fog. After a year and half of misery and crushed heart I can finally say I’m over it! The last few months I’ve seen him sometimes at work or we’ve had to text with work, I’m not hung up on him so much anymore, i don’t get anxiety around him, nor is he my first thought when I wake up in the morning. I believe it’s so much harder getting over him when you have to see him at work and will take longer to get over but you’ll get there. Stay positive and keep yourself healthy. I’ll always have a thing for my EXMM but I’m finally at the end of my misery and I’ve learned so much and know to never put myself in that place again.

Message me if you need to talk.

Happy Holidays:)

[InvisibleLady]

So many of you work with your xmm or have to see them in certain work situations. That must be hell on earth. Keep moving forward, time and NC will ultimately ease the pain.

 

I am 6 months NC (tomorrow). I don’t cry, and though I became very thin after it ended, I am eating pretty normal again. When I am busy or doing things with people I don’t think of him much. When I am alone I do (too much) so I end up here. But each day is another day of NC.

I think about where I was this time last year and I am so glad I am not there, there is some progress with each passing day even if it doesn’t feel like it. Last year at this time I wanted to die.

 

I do hope for the day when I only think of him occasionally, and without any feeling. It seems to be taking too long - who knows, maybe I too enjoy the pain of wallowing in it.

 

Hang in there everyone...one day at a time!

[NotADayGoesBy]

Hi Treehugger! Good to hear from you, thanks for your message. That is really a relief to hear you are doing better. I can't wait for when xOM isn't my first or last thought every day and when I don't get anxious over seeing him or the OOW. I'll think of you as a future vision of myself and where I will be at some point It's so important to see people coming out the other side.

 

Invisible Lady, congratulations on 6 months of NC! I look forward to the time when I no longer cry every day and have achieved indifference. Some days it feels like I'll never get there, but you're right--one day at a time. I'm glad you can look back at last year and see how far you've come. I too wish it didn't take so long. My A was short, so I'm sometimes amazed at how badly I jacked up my life, mind and emotions in such a short time.

[BourneWicked]

Notadaygoesby, if I could find someone out of town that would be amazing. As you say, yeah it's definitely something you don't want to share with a therapist in a tightknit community. I wonder if anyone knows of a good (and reasonable) online counselor or therapy program?? With children, having the time to escape for a counseling session that will be a drive is difficult as well.

 

Today at work, a couple women were working on a project with him and chatting with him. They were in a room, videoconferencing, laughing, smiling, and I could almost hear his voice. It made me feel a mix of sad and angry, knowing I'm going to be interacting with him again in a couple months, back on similar projects. It made me crazy. I couldn't concentrate.

 

The angry bit - I feel like, to truly get over this, I need to leave my job. And that makes me angry. I've put a lot of work and time into getting where I am. And because he touched me so long ago, I have to leave? (Yeah, I escalated it, I'm at fault too). He should leave. I wish he would just disappear. Like I would just wake up one day and he wouldn't be there any more. Or when I talked to him, I just saw him as some other guy. But instead, since he looks like my dad, and cheats on his wife like my dad, he fills in that gaping hole from my childhood that I'd only patched over. So he's never just some guy, he's the guy that I can't ever be good enough for. Which has nothing to do with how he sees me - as a friend that he can chat sex with and get compliments and pick-me-ups from.

 

Since we've been on different projects, there's been none of that. LC, virtually nothing, and like I said it felt like he'd been moving on when he knew we would be separated. But how do I stop having these feelings when I have to interact with him again?

 

The one thing, the silver lining I've been trying to see is that this could help me process those feelings. IF I could reach a place of seeing him as 'some guy', IF I could process those feelings until I realize that his unavailability has nothing to do with my self worth and everything to do with who he is, I might be able to get past this. It's the how I'm struggling with.

 

Ugh. I hope you all are having a better week than I am.

 

EDIT: One addition to my complaining. I feel like so much of the minimal contact that was dragged out recently was just to make himself feel good that he hadn't done anything so wrong by making sure I wasn't mad at him. And, since we weren't communicating much, I was minimalist in letting him know how much pain he caused me. So he can just go on pretending he's this great guy. And it's just so tragic we can't be together, and he sure wishes we could talk, and he really wishes he could see me. Just leave that door open for when we're working together again. Urgghhh... ((( Think I do prefer anger to sadness though))

Edited December 18, 2018 by BourneWicked

[NotADayGoesBy]

Bourne, I am actually using an online therapy site (plus a live IC I mentioned) called Talkspace. I tried it for a month and it helped tide me through until I could get in to see an IC.

 

You are very articulate and well spoken so it may be useful to you. It’s was back and forth messaging every weekday. I think you can do videos too. Not sure I’d want to continue indefinitely, but I did find her feedback helpful.

 

Prior to those two, I was able (through my insurance ) to have 5 free video conference sessions with a therapist . That was handy if you can find someplace quiet and private to be on a computer for an hour. I sometimes found this difficult to finagle. But maybe your insurance would offer something like that too.

[NotADayGoesBy]

More to say Bourne, but was on my phone last night.

 

I understand your feelings of seeing other women interact with OM, even if you know they aren't involved. It hurts seeing him laugh and joke and have fun and 'connect' with other women. I thought I was going to die watching OM do that with his OOW constantly for 2 months. The last three days I had to be around them both he really froze me out but was yukking it up with her having a great old time. God that hurt.

 

I think you are right re: leaving job to fully heal. So many other threads talk about that and how the healing didn't start until one of them left. I understand why you're angry about being put in that situation. I don't know what to do because I can't easily find another similar paying job. And if I do, I will have to drive an hour to get there. That will put a big strain on my family. Ugh. I am putting all my hope in H getting another job. He has an interview next month and I am so hoping he gets it. If he does, we will move 1,000 miles away. I find that equally terrifying and a huge opportunity to have a clean slate.

 

My internet therapist (that cracks me up) says anger is a secondary emotion, meaning, it's masking the real emotion which is sadness. I've been feeling a lot of anger this week too (how dare he freeze me out after I was being the cool girl and acting normal and nice?). He sort of did what your OM did--he realized by day three he had gone too far and started chatting with me again to smooth things over. I was cordial but engaged as little as possible. Despite the anger, things are a tiny bit better this week. The semester is over so neither he nor the OOW should be around until early January. What scares me is I will be lulled into a feeling of moving on, only to be dragged back into all the hurt and triggering (I hate their effing cars! I won't even walk down the hallway where her office is in case he is in there) once they are around again. When does your project with OM start? You must be dreading it, I'm sorry. Just thinking about it makes me feel stressed for you!

[treehugger12]

Hi Not A Day,

 

 

I had the same emotions with the car thing, every time I would pull up to work, I'd pray on my way there, please, please, please don't be there, if it was I'd have severe anxiety and have to suck it up on my way in, thankfully I only had to go there once a week and he wasn't always there, it still took me over a year for my heart to heal and for us it was a short 3 week fling. Its so hard for me to believe when I look back at the last year how much of my energy and time was spent thinking of him and crushing on him. He recently got a new car, funny because it sort of helped my healing process.

I now have another guy hitting on me and I wont even go there, never ever again. I've learned so much about myself and I'm so thankful to be back to my happy self, your going to get there, I know it!

I hope your husband gets this job and you can start fresh, change can be good sometimes and this may be exactly what you need.

Eventually your feeling will fade and your heart will heal, do whatever it takes to get yourself there. Keep posting, it will help not only you but will help others in the same situation.

Take care and Happy Holidays:)

[BourneWicked]

Notadaygoesby - probably February, March at the latest, we will have to work together again. Sounds very similar to your situation! Where yes - a false sense of security has settled in. I asked for no contact, that went for a month, he violated that a little bit, but I left it LC because let's face it, it's going to be high contact shortly. The LC is very LC... but.

 

Hopefully your husband gets the new job! What a god send to escape all that business.

 

Thanks for sharing your internet therapist info and appreciate the kind words! This might be a route I can actually take, because there is really no one in my daily life I can work through these issues with.

 

The anger probably is sadness. Sadness that it can't be anything more than it is. A massive mistake.I'm a little envious of the male ability to compartmentalize. If this had continued, instead of dwindling to almost nothing, I would have always wanted more of him. And he will always be happy to have had an attractive woman who was so wild about him that she made stupid decision followed by stupid decision. And that's enough for him.

 

I appreciate all the posts here. I'm in a different place than I was this time last year. It doesn't feel much better, but I guess it's progress of a sort.