Friends with ex - now hot and cold?

[KiwiAnchor]

My ex and I had had quite a whirlwind romance, our feelings were very intense and things just seemed to click, our chemistry was undeniable! However, he broke up with me based on valid reasons (family), while I was very sad, I understood. Post-break up things have been very up and down. We stayed in contact and for the first week it was pretty tough, but then we reconnected and the following 2 weeks after, things were really good between us, I guess we were in the 'grey area'. We openly shared our thoughts and feelings and worked together to get through our break up. He would tell me that he misses me and that he still cares and has feelings for me. However, one weekend that all changed, he completely ignored me for 2 full days. Up to this point things were good and we messaged every day. Now he feels distance and cold. He still messages me but it no longer has a flirtatious tone or warm vibe like it used to. I'm not sure whats changed, especially on his end but it feels like he's forcing our dynamic into its new phase. I understand we're not getting back together but I'm also not sure why it feels like he's suddenly changed when i was under the impression things were in a good place for us both. I feel like he's been toying with my feelings. I know at some points he told me how conflicted he was, maybe he's reached a new revelation. He tells me nothing has changed but know it has. He also asks me questions (small talk) and when i ask one back he never bothers to check it or answer and then messages me the follow day about something else - I have no idea why!

 

Just looking for some insight on the sudden change?

[lovesflame]

I can realte to you so so much and I understand the confusion and anxiety you are going through.

My ex gf did such a similar thing still saying she misses me or loves me or wants to cuddle.

Also she would want to talk then all of a sudden not respond or even block me and say we should neve talk again.

Then a week later tell me she appreciates me and talk.

Now we talk basically everyday.

I even sent her flowers on Valentine's day

But look everyone here is going to say he's playing and go NC.

But honestly the person is probably kind of young

How old is he??

And he is a confused person. He does not understand himself but he is sure of one thing he does not want to be in a relationship"

How do i know this?

 

If someone really wants to be in one they make it happen. Ultimately you have to listen and accept it.

 

And it probably isn't you. It's more likely baggage trauma confusion and a person who needs soul searching.

Ultimately it is better than them trying it when they are hesitantly doing it that would just make you feel worse

 

I've decided to stay friends with my ex because it's my choice and I love speaking to her but one month ago I woulda been destroyed

So ask yourself do you want to do this friend game?

 

Does it bring u joy or purpose?

 

If not let it go.

 

I truly feel your pain.

[stillafool]

When an ex breaks up with you move on immediately and don't give them the benefit of still being able to lean on you in anyway. They will never miss you if they're still able to get the benefits while placing you in the friend zone. They have you in a holding pattern until they move on to someone else. Don't be fooled into thinking they are confused and really want you back. If they did they would beg for you back and admit they made a mistake by letting you go. Until you see that action don't engage them in any way if you ever want a chance back with them.

[lovesflame]

This is too black and white too much of a generalization.

See this is the only take her online love shack.

What do you base this on? Have you seen that many times?

 

Of the countless times I have seen others or got back with an ex it never went like that once. Often ppl won t swallow pride and beg for someone back.

 

The truth is human relationships and emotions in general are ambiguous. Also complex conflicted and ill understood.

 

Anyways even when people break up they are deeply conflicted this is according to research about divorce amd break ups.

The mythos on here is so unrealistic and unfounded.

 

 

When an ex breaks up with you move on immediately and don't give them the benefit of still being able to lean on you in anyway. They will never miss you if they're still able to get the benefits while placing you in the friend zone. They have you in a holding pattern until they move on to someone else. Don't be fooled into thinking they are confused and really want you back. If they did they would beg for you back and admit they made a mistake by letting you go. Until you see that action don't engage them in any way if you ever want a chance back with them.

[elaine567]

However, one weekend that all changed, he completely ignored me for 2 full days. Up to this point things were good and we messaged every day. Now he feels distance and cold. He still messages me but it no longer has a flirtatious tone or warm vibe like it used to. I'm not sure whats changed, especially on his end but it feels like he's forcing our dynamic into its new phase. I understand we're not getting back together but I'm also not sure why it feels like he's suddenly changed when i was under the impression things were in a good place for us both. I feel like he's been toying with my feelings. I know at some points he told me how conflicted he was, maybe he's reached a new revelation. He tells me nothing has changed but know it has. He also asks me questions (small talk) and when i ask one back he never bothers to check it or answer and then messages me the follow day about something else - I have no idea why!

 

Just looking for some insight on the sudden change?

 

 

I guess he has found someone else, or a few "someone elses".

[nolanola]

I have to agree with @stillafool. There may be people who got back together with their exes by staying "friends". However, most of the time this does not work. You can read the literally hundreds of pages on this board to see people struggling to stay friends with their exes and having their hearts broken. I'm one of them.

 

When people break up, there is a lot of emotion involved, even if it was very mutual and amicable. It's very tough to switch from relationship to friends immediately. You run the risk of being downgraded from girlfriend to something else and often you wind up feeling used. The fact that you are spending this much time and energy about when he is getting back to you or reaching out is not a good sign - you're still really invested in this person and thus can't really be friends. I don't get obsessed and upset if I message a friend and it takes them a day to get back to me. Because I know we're friends and they're probably busy with something else.

 

We don't know what is going on with him and why he seems different, but one very real possibility is that he is interested in someone else (or already dating them). I know that is hurtful and you don't want to go there, but it's a very, very real possibility. Do you want to be around to see this? I would advise you to go NC, at least for a while for your own mental health. The reality is that he isn't trying to get back together with you. He has left the relationship and seems to be pulling himself away from your "friendship". I say let him go. But that means he doesn't get to have you as his backup.

[grace4ever]

I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. It seems that you have all the answers to this situation. You deserve someone who is available for you and able to have a relationship with you. Let me ask you when you say valid reasons family what do you want to mean? Is he married? Or do you mean blood relatives as in mother, father, brother or sister? Are you wanting to search for that special person that you wish to spend your life with? I hope the best for you. Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers my friend.

[KiwiAnchor]

So i actually found out why he decided to ghost me, he was upset at me about something a friend had said about me. I explained how unfair it was to get upset at me about something I knew nothing about, especially since it was something so small. A friend of ours had told him I was going camping with some friends (including this friend), at that point I hadn't even made up my mind yet. My ex asked me what I was getting up to in the weekend and he seemed more persistent than usual and I jokingly asked why and never answered his question. On the Friday I told him I was going camping and he wished me to have fun and then completely disappeared. I only found out about this a week later. Apparently there was "no one" he was seeing while he was ghosting me. He just wished he still able to go away camping with me and our friends....sigh.