Was not in a good state of mind to start a relationship

[BusterK]

So, I've met this girl in May 2015 and ever since I've been developing a crush on here. Since she had a boyfriend, I only became friend with her (my crush wasn't that big at the beginning). We are both grad students within the same university, but in different engineering departments, meaning that we would see each other maybe 15-20 times a year (usually for academic stuff, but sometimes in social events). Towards the end of 2017, she became "free" as she broke up with her then boyfriend (after 8 years of being together). She then had an internship overseas from January to October 2018 so we did not talk at all during that period. Afterwards, I started flirting with her when we would see each other during social events.

 

Now, here's my problem:

 

Ever since Fall, I'm having some mental issues in that I'm totally unmotivated in life in general (I used to run 5 times/week, read plenty of books, watch a ton of movies… not doing that for the last couple of months). I've grown quite indecisive and my dry wit was suddenly gone (I used to constantly tell jokes). At first I was thinking that I might had a depression, but the strange part is that I never felt sad and still considered myself quite happy. I just wasn’t recognizing myself. It’s the first time something like that happened to me. Since I knew that something was off with me, I made the decision to stop pursuing her for a couple of weeks/months until I would 100% back to my old self. I felt that going into a relationship being unmotivated and indecisive would not be wise, even if I liked the girl. So I thought of going to a therapist instead and to wait before dating someone.

 

But… right at that time, she asks me. And against my better judgment, I jumped into it. I did not even warn her about my issues. I told myself that maybe starting a new relationship with my crush could fix things. I even thought that the therapy could wait (yeah, dumb mistake). The new relationship did not fix anything in me. I was constantly sluggish with her. I did not initiate anything (she's the one who first kissed me, she's the one who initiated sex…). I felt that I was really boring with her, never showing off my personality and just being dull. I was really indecisive. None of these things ever happened to me before with a girl so I did not know how to react.

 

So, after two months of seeing each other, she ended it, stating that she saw me more as a friend. I could see it coming, so I took it quite well and told her it was okay. It has been two weeks now. I have been doing NC for 10 days now, first to get over her and second to make sure that I'm in a better state of mind (back to my old self) the next time I'll talk to her.

 

Losing out on a crush is hard, but I'm getting over it. There is only this question that keeps bugging me: Could it have worked if I was in a "normal" state of mind? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I'm trying to put the blame for this failed relationship on my issues. I don't know and that's what is bugging me. That uncertainty about whether or not it could have worked.

 

FYI, I have started therapy a month ago as I could see that my issues were not improving. After a couple of weeks of therapy, I think I'm getting better. Speaking to a neutral stranger can be really helpful. Unfortunately, this improvement was too late for my relationship with her. I know that it was a massive mistake to not discuss any of this with her. I have had talks with my therapist as to why I made such a mistake. So I'm not here to discuss that mistake. I'm here to ask how to proceed now that this mistake was made. My questions are:

 

1. How would you deal with the uncertainty that has been bugging my mind (me not knowing if I could have worked if I had waited)?

 

2. How would you deal with her in the future? As I said, I'm doing NC until I'm feeling better in my mind. But we will regularly see each other in the future during our studies. I would like to tell her about my issues, not to beg for a second chance (I know that ship has sailed even if we remain friends), but because I don't like the idea of her seeing me as this bored guy who initiates nothing and can't make a single decision. However, I fear telling her now (or in the future) would just make things more awkward between us.

 

It's been two weeks and I'm slowly getting over her. These two questions are the last things that I'm not sure how to deal with, so any advice would be appreciated!

[Garcon1986]

No contact until you feel better is the right thing to do. There are too many emotional complexities here for you to have a healthy and proper relationship with this lady. Better to move on. In the future, you can meet her in the hallways certainly, but better to be civil and professional.

 

Heal thyself. Then - the next bus is in 15 minutes. Jump back in, to a new lady.