Did i fall in love with a covert narcissist?

[heavy__123]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/675334-should-i-contact-her-again-walk-away

 

Following on from my previous thread, i couldn't resist getting in touch with my girlfriend after a blurry line breakup (i need time blah blah lines from her) i text her a bout 5 days after this and asked if we can talk and she replied "i don't think we are right for each other" I called her a few times upon receiving this text but she wouldn't take my calls.

 

This was highly confusing as we had shared nearly a year together we had no arguments and were always happy together and our intimate life was amazing. I ended up driving all the way to her place 90 miles away from me that evening i figured i needed to talk to her, the person i saw on that day was not the person i fell in love with i cannot fathom how she has changed so much. She was so sweet, understanding, loving, caring otherwise i wouldn't have dated her.

 

She told me we had different interests, very minor things such as music and charitable interests. I felt like all her reasons were clutching at straws for anything to sayas reasons for a breakup. She then became very critical and all the things she once supported me for and made me feel loved she flipped them on me. for example i have a food allergy, so a few times i've had to eat the same food off a menu on holiday. She criticised me by saying i don't want to be with someone who eats the same thing all the time. Again i tried to reason with her, i felt so stupid and weak trying to prove myself but after about 20 mins she became warmer to me and said it was romantic that i had travelled all the way this far to see her. She then came to hug me but as she did she said "my ex never did this for me" she took me from a warm feeling and dropped a hurtful bombshell again. All the things she says from her mouth are just unfathomable and leave me very confused and hurt. As i left the house i asked if she had been using a dating app and to which she said yes, i was hurt that within the first day off breakup she was already speaking to lots of other men. she brushed if off as it meant nothing and its because she was missing me yet i was trying to reach out to her during this time and she stonewalled me.

 

The next day she had been travelling to my home city as she is moving here in a few months for her new job. She invited me to a few house viewings with her and her father and then to lunch i couldn't speak with her in private but she did say she felt better about me coming down. At this point my heart just wanted her but i just felt so confused about how she's acted as i never thought she could hurt me like this. A few days passed and we spoke again and she changed her tune she became cold, critical and hurtful again she also changed her tune about me coming down and said i had complete disregard of if she wanted to see me or if she had work the next day (i knew she didnt). She also said her mum thought it was rude of me to travel down, i replied "did your mum not think that i haven't eaten and come straight from work because i loved and cared for you" to which she replied "i didnt tell you not to eat, i didn't tell you to come". There is no talking to her she just flips everything and blames everything i do on me.

 

I also asked her why she feels the need to compare me to her ex as its hurtful and she replied "its the last reference point she's got and she felt like she was safe in that relationship as she was in control and she wore the trousers" she also said "she doesn't know if she loves me anymore and feels like at the moment she wants to move on" everything she says has just left me more confused and hurt i'm annoyed that my heart still yearns for the person she's turned into over the last couple of weeks and how she was loving, caring and understanding up until that point of our first argument. Was it all a lie? is she manipulative? i still can't understand how someone can change so much

 

Looking back i feel like she's engaged in gaslighting, blameshifting, stonewalling and criticising. I feel mentally tortured as she changes her tune within a couple of days to make me the negative one. Im so angry and upset at her that she threw away a relationship that was so good and only can think it was fake "love bombing" intimacy was also very intense from the get go. All things point to a covert narcissist?

 

After the last call i blocked her on all social media and phone she then proceeded to call and email and for the first time she became remorseful saying she was sorry and she knows she hasn't been fair, she also went on to say she has been extremely anxious and down and maybe suffering from depression etc etc i didnt reply the next day was her bday and i didnt text her and she text again saying "i guess you not wishing me happy bday means the end of us, i dont blame you. bye" again shes blaming it on me for not texting back that it was because of me the relationship has ended. There isn't any care at all anymore from her end Its likes she feels entitled to loving treatment but its ok to treat me like s***t, its been two weeks NC and ive not heard from her again.

 

After reading my own post, i know its clear to see this person is immature and has a lack of care and respect for me. Im on here because for the whole year this was not the person i dated i feel stuck moving on as she just completely changed in the blink of an eye. Its not followed the normal course of other relationships ive been in where the relationship starts to go downhill even though both parties tried to make it work. Breaking off at this point still hurts but the mind can comprehend the breakup and focus on the negatives. Im not really sure what im seeking on here guess i just wanted to see what you guys have to say about this whole situation as im angry my heart is still yearning for this person did i fall for a narcissist?

[darkmoon]

her mother is putting ideas in her head...

 

 

 

soon as I read: "She also said her mum thought it was rude..." please, this is not the only convo they have shared

,

 

I suspect a pattern of her whinging to her mother, so the mother wants bad for you, encourages controversy,/punishment, and may not even know your good points.

Edited February 15, 2019 by darkmoon

[ExpatInItaly]

We see this a lot here, that the broken-hearted question whether their ex is a narcissist. The truth is that probably very few of them truly are, in the clinical sense. It's a serious personality disorder that requires professional evaluation.

 

What is more likely is that her family has gotten in her head again, as you indicated in your last thread that they weren't generally accepting of you or your relationship. I agree that she is also immature and selfish, but I don't think I would assume she's narcissistic.

 

She's also dropped her ex into the conversation a couple times (as you outline here and in your other thread), and compared you negatively to him. That strongly suggests she misses him and still holds a torch for him.

 

There were other problems that affected your time with her. It probably feels sudden for you, but I would put money on the fact that she hasn't been as invested as you for a while now.

[littleblackheart]

its been two weeks NC and ive not heard from her again.

 

Best to leave it at that, tbh.

 

Narcissism is a personality trait so, like the rest of us, she probably is.

 

If you're asking for a psychological evaluation of her character, no one on here can do that for you.

 

If you think you have been very severely affected mentally and emotionally, you need to take the time to process your relationship from your end (you can't control hers):

 

1. What drove you to be attracted to her?

2. Did you clearly lay out your own boundaries?

3. Did you let her get away with some of the bad things she did for longer then necessary and why?

4. Have you assessed your own patterns of behaviour so you don't fall for the same tricks next time?

 

It looks like you weren't a good fit, and she didn't treat you the way you want to be treated so the relationship ending is a good thing even you can't see it now.

 

You need to shift your focus on yourself; be kind and patient to yourself, do a little introspection into what led you into this relationship in the first place, and move forward.

 

She is one of many. You'll be fine, OP

[elaine567]

When people break up with you, do not go and poke that bear.

They breakup for a reason or for many reasons.

By dismissing her reasons you challenged her and she became more and more "nasty" in order to get rid of you. That is how it works.

"I don't think we are right for each other" was pretty clear, so why did you feel the need to hound her?

 

When someone breaks up with you, they are not "stonewalling" you, they are done, finished, finito... so you take the hint and you walk away and you don't press them any further.

[Highndry]

Following on from my previous thread, i couldn't resist getting in touch with my girlfriend after a blurry line breakup (i need time blah blah lines from her) i text her a bout 5 days after this and asked if we can talk and she replied "i don't think we are right for each other" I called her a few times upon receiving this text but she wouldn't take my calls.

 

 

A simple "you got it!" is all that was needed, and then no contact from there, period. If she wanted to call to express her apologies and beg you back, that's another story, but you made a poor choice in not respecting her wishes to not see you anymore, making yourself look extremely weak in the process, groveling and begging.

[healing light]

I did not read your first post, but what struck me is that she does not seem in love with you. You guys had two different experiences of the relationship. She may have been going through the motions but does not actually feel what she wants to feel for you. Instead, it sounds like she's hung up on the ex.

 

She's not over him, so it makes her conflicted about you--maybe because you may treat her better so she logically feels you'd make more sense to be with--so in her actions, you see this push/pull dynamic.

 

Also, you did not respect her reasoning or attempts to break up with you. The truth is, no one actually needs to give a reason for breaking up. If it's not working for one party, it's just not working for whatever reason and you need to respect that boundary. I would not go driving after someone who ignored my texts and calls and told me they felt we weren't right for each other. So while it may seem romantic in a movie, don't expect women to be receptive to that in real life unless for some reason they want you to fight for them.

 

I think that's why she was just grasping at straws with the food allergy and other things until she revealed that she's no longer in love with you. When a person says that, BELIEVE THEM. It's an awful thing to have to admit. This is where the coldness is coming around.

 

Then she probably missed that you weren't there to lap after her on her birthday. Sounds to me like she wants a boyfriend in theory but that person is not actually you. I think if you were to continue this with her, she would drop you the second a better option comes along or when the ex is willing to take her back.