Broke up, begged and chased, went no contact, now breadcrumbs

[elucidate878]

My ex broke up with me in the second week of November 2018. I begged and chased unfortunately. Then went no contact for 2 weeks. Contacted her after letting her know that i know i made mistakes, that i'm working on myself and gave her examples how. I felt rejected over and over when she told me she needed space and not to contact her.

 

This went on until the last week of December 2018 when I decided to go full no contact with her and have been in no contact since then. My ex out of the blue contacted me this past weekend by text asking "how have you been" and I realised that it was exactly 3 months since she breakup.

 

I ignored it for a couple hours and eventually replied "I've been ok". She replied immediately saying "that's good" and asked me a random question about work and when no response was forthcoming asked me about my family.

 

I ignored those messages and she messaged me an hour later stating that she's glad I'm ok, wanted to have a conversation but realised that it's not forthcoming but understands given how things ended and wished me well.

 

I responded about 2 hours latter stating that there is only one conversation i want to have with her, that she knows what it's about (reconciling) and that's its not fair to me to have random conversations given the decision she made.

 

I also said that we were never just friends and that I'm not willing to take on that role now as that also would be unfair to me. She replied immediately saying no prob, that we have nothing more to talk about, that she wishes me well and won't contact me again. I did not reply to these messages.

 

What do you think of the above? I recognise the messages as breadcrumbs (not being a clear indication of wanting to get back together) and feel she may contact me again having tested the waters. I have no intention of breaking no contact as I don't know what will happen, want to protect myself and can increase my chances of moving on if I don't hear back from her.

Edited February 15, 2019 by elucidate878

[PRW]

There is no way to put this back together. You made too big of a mess out of it. The way she responded was normal and exactly what I would expect it to be.

[elucidate878]

There is no way to put this back together. You made too big of a mess out of it. The way she responded was normal and exactly what I would expect it to be.

 

How did I make a mess out of it?

 

How was the way she responded normal?

 

What exactly did you expect of it?

[PRW]

You were needy, clingy, and obsessed. These characteristic are horribly unattractive to women. When she finally reached back to contact you, and gave you an opportunity, you just complained about "the relationship" and previous events. Her response of "She replied immediately saying no prob, that we have nothing more to talk about, that she wishes me well and won't contact me again" is exactly what I would have predicted her response to that would have been.

 

 

When you are on thin ice,...you don't jump up and down on the ice.

[elucidate878]

I think you are misreading what I said. Perhaps it will be clearer if I provided a synopsis of what transpired during the text conversation.

 

When she messaged me, things went as follows:

 

Her: How have you been?

 

Me (after 5 hours): I've been ok.

 

Her (immediately): That's great. How's work?

 

Her (1 hour later after no response): How's your family?

 

Her: (1 hour later after no response): I'm glad you're doing ok. I wanted to have a conversation but see it's not forthcoming but understand given how things ended (*she was very mean when we last spoke in December 2018*). I wish you well. Take care.

 

Me (1 hour later): There is only one conversation I'm willing to have with you. You know what it is about. I don't think it is fair to me for us to talk about anything else or have random chats given the decision you made. We were never just friends and I'm not willing to take on that role now.

 

Her (immediately): Ok. No prob. We have nothing else to talk about then. I won't contact you again. Take care.

 

Me (no response):

 

So having illustrated the above, I'm not seeing where I jumped up and down on thin ice...there is no longer any ice at all with the relationship being over...

Edited February 15, 2019 by elucidate878

[PRW]

<snip>

 

Me (1 hour later): There is only one conversation I'm willing to have with you. You know what it is about. I don't think it is fair to me for us to talk about anything else or have random chats given the decision you made. We were never just friends and I'm not willing to take on that role now.

 

Her (immediately): Ok. No prob. We have nothing else to talk about then. I won't contact you again. Take care.

You just made my point.

 

It should have been:

 

Her: How have you been?

 

Me (fairly quickly): I've been great. Let's get together for dinner on day/time/place.

 

If she declines you say: Ok. It was really nice the hear from you. If you change your mind reach out and we'll get together.

Edited February 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elucidate878]

You just made my point.

 

It should have been:

 

Her: How have you been?

 

Me (fairly quickly): I've been great. Let's get together for dinner on day/time/place.

 

If she declines you say: Ok. It was really nice the hear from you. If you change your mind reach out and we'll get together.

 

Is that not chasing again? I would be the one suggesting the meet up NOT her. She's the one that left so shouldn't she be the one to come back and attempt to reconcile?

 

Your suggested response breaks what no contact is all about.

[Normm]

Agree with @PRW on this at least as far as your response. I don't know that I'd suggest dinner though. Let her come to you as far as making a suggestion to meet.

 

Saying "there is only one conversation I want to have" means you've been holding on to hope and you're still really hung up on her. Way too heavy, reeks of continued neediness, even if it's only a few words.

Edited February 15, 2019 by Normm

[elucidate878]

Your actions tell her she still has you under her control. No contact means no contact.

 

Weakness is unnattractive. Strength is attractive. What do you think you showed her?

 

I disagree. I simply stated what my terms of communicating would be as follows:

 

Me (1 hour later): There is only one conversation I'm willing to have with you. You know what it is about. I don't think it is fair to me for us to talk about anything else or have random chats given the decision you made. We were never just friends and I'm not willing to take on that role now.

 

If she wants to communicate, it would have to be one those terms (that is talking about reconciling and breaking up). It's just how I feel about it.

 

What do you suggest I should have done? Ignored the message?

[elucidate878]

Agree with @PRW on this at least as far as your response. I don't know that I'd suggest dinner though. Let her come to you as far as making a suggestion to meet.

 

Saying "there is only one conversation I want to have" means you've been holding on to hope and you're still really hung up on her. Way too heavy, reeks of continued neediness, even if it's only a few words.

 

I dont see how she would interpret it that way since ive been in no contact since the start of the year and clearly indicated I dont want to be friends. I let her know there is only one thing id talk about (didnt say what). I didnt indicate that i wanted to reconcile or state my position on it. Only that id talk about it.

[PRW]

Is that not chasing again?

 

No, it isn't.

 

She contacted you.

 

I would be the one suggesting the meet up NOT her.

She chased.

 

She reached out.

 

You just respond.

 

She's the one that left so shouldn't she be the one to come back.

She did come back.

 

You blew the response.

 

Your suggested response breaks what no contact is all about

Treating the "No contact" as if it is some kind "thing" or a "noun", or some kind of "tactical maneuver" is just childish stuff put out by the "dating coach" community. Getting dumped is like getting fired from a job. You don't "Go Full No Contact" on your boss,...it is just common sense that you don't keep calling the boss to get your job back. But if the boss has a change of heart can calls you, and if you happen to want the job back, then you should have the sense to talk to him, and do it without complaining about how he fired you originally and whether he was "mean" when he did it.

 

Maybe you have your head clouded too much by bad dating coach advice, but if you handled this like I said you are the one that holds the power.

 

1. She reaches out. She is chasing,...screw whatever her motives were, who cares, it doesn't matter what her motives are. She could have the stupidest motives in the world, it doesn't matter.

 

2. You greet her in a friendly manner and offer a specific date. You have just put her in the position of having to make a specific yes/no decision. You now hold the power.

 

3. If she declines. Then you "decline the decline" by being friendly, polite, but tell her to reach out to you if she changes her mind. This puts the ball in her court and she has to be the one to reach out to you if she changes her mind. So again you have the power. Until you ever hear from her again (if you ever do) you will go out on dates with other women,...without getting obsessed, over-pursuing, and chasing them off.

[elucidate878]

<snip>

 

3. If she declines. Then you "decline the decline" by being friendly, polite, but tell her to reach out to you if she changes her mind. This puts the ball in her court and she has to be the one to reach out to you if she changes her mind. So again you have the power. Until you ever hear from her again (if you ever do) you will go out on dates with other women,...without getting obsessed, over-pursuing, and chasing them off.

 

Seems like you'd be setting up yourself for rejecting by creating hope for yourself. I respectfully disagree.

Edited February 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[PRW]

I dont see how she would interpret it that way

That is your problem. You don't see it,...when you should be seeing it.

[PRW]

I respectfully disagree.

No problem.

 

I'm outta here.

[Highndry]

What you're not understanding is the worst thing you can do is talk about the relationship/another relationship at all. You were a stage 5 clinger. She told you to leave her alone yet you didn't for a long period of time before you went no contact. That did huge damage, showed you as a needy, emotional man unable to control himself.

 

When she finally contacted you after months of no contact, instead of just being happy and saying hi back, telling her things were going great in your life, you immediately went right back to the whole relationship thing "there is only one conversation I want to have."

 

NEWSFLASH: You're never going to jump right back into a relationship with a woman after this amount of time. Even if there's a possibility of something, even if she's considering it, she is going to tread lightly, dipping her toe in the water to see if you've learned your lesson, changed, etc. You showed her you are exactly the same person she ran from. You have more work to do.

 

In the future, when a woman contacts you in this manner you handle it like this: "Hi, I've been wonderful thanks for asking." At a certain point, you say something like "hey, it's been great chatting but I'm not a huge fan of texting so if you want to continue this conversation, how about coming over Friday night? I'll have a bottle of wine and some of those delicious appetizers we used to enjoy." If she declines, you simply say "no problem, if you change your mind you know how to reach me."

 

That's it. You don't ever talk about the relationship again.

[PRW]

What you're not understanding is the worst thing you can do is talk about the relationship/another relationship at all. <snip>

Exactly.

Well stated.

Edited February 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Marc878]

<snip>

If she wants to communicate, it would have to be one those terms (that is talking about reconciling and breaking up). It's just how I feel about it.

What do you suggest I should have done? Ignored the message?

 

If she wanted something concrete you'd know it. All you're getting are breadcrumbs. There is a huge difference. Biting on breadcrumbs won't get you a thing. It's counterproductive to what you are seeking

Edited February 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Marc878]

<snip>I also said that we were never just friends and that I'm not willing to take on that role now as that also would be unfair to me. She replied immediately saying no prob, that we have nothing more to talk about, that she wishes me well and won't contact me again. I did not reply to these messages.

 

This tells you everything you needed to know. It seems like you don't want to believe it though. At this time you are the one with a problem. Figure out how to move on like she already has.

Edited February 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Normm]

What you're not understanding is the worst thing you can do is talk about the relationship/another relationship at all.

 

 

^ This is a better way of saying what several of us have already said.

 

 

 

Nothing more to add other than if you can't understand it, or disagree with it, then find someone to talk to about it.

[lovesflame]

You gave this guy great advice and then he just gets defensive for absolutely no reason.

He did things no one would consider normal or healthy communication then u point it out and he gets bothered

He deserves his results from his own actions

[skanzer]

You came off pretty heavy.

 

She was just initiating contact, 3 months later, and instead of being positive and chill, which would've made her more interested, you turned her off/away by sounding forceful/negative/not chill.

 

You should've played things out slowly, let her be the first one to make a move/show what her intention for contacting you was.