Still living together, silent treatment, miss her

[Physx]

Me and my ex were together for about seven months. We were amazing together. We had tons of similarities, spent pretty much all of our spare time together, absolutely adored each other's children, and even got engaged about a month ago.

 

What caused the breakup was a combination of her mood swings along with my stubbornness to back down. We got into a small argument one evening last week, and rather than just let her be right and back down, I said a snide remark back to her. I felt she was blowing things way out of proportion and that I didn't deserve the attitude, so I ended up not holding my tongue when I should have. It was a small and stupid argument that got blown way out of proportion.

 

She is the type of person where when you are arguing with her, she loves giving the silent treatment. When she will actually talk during those times, she gets extremely cold towards you, like she could literally care less if you live or die. She gets very bitter and it becomes a power struggle for her, where her way of controlling the situation is taking a "I could care less" attitude towards you and very little to no response to you.

 

With that said, it was no surprise that the next morning, she took off her engagement ring. It is not the first time she tried to take a symbol of our devotion and use it as a weapon to hurt me emotionally. I was hurt beyond words, took off my own ring she got me, and left for work.

 

Later that day, I tried to express my pain to her several times through texts, and she was completely dismissive. All she would reply to my texts with was "Ok" and didn't care the least bit about breaking my heart. She spent half the day intentionally giving me the silent treatment. It upset me so bad that I told her if she didn't care about hurting me, then this wasn't worth my time and that we were over. She didn't even bother replying, so I was done.

 

We didn't talk at all for the rest of the day. When I came home that evening, I went straight to bed next to her and we still said nothing. She tried pressing her foot up against mine a couple times that night, but then completely denied it the next day (too proud to admit her attempts). I know she was hoping I would just drop it and she wouldn't have to apologize or otherwise lose her control of the situation.

 

That next day, the only time she messaged me was in the mid afternoon, where she told me she moved all of my stuff into our spare bedroom along with our spare mattress. Later that evening when I got home, I was so fed up with being blown off and dismissed that I had enough. When I walked into our old bedroom to grab my remaining stuff, she trailed after me. I closed the door behind us and told her to sit down so we can talk. I made it clear I was tired of her ignoring me and not caring at all about the pain she caused me. She got all angry with me when I closed the door, yelling at me to not "bar her in her room" and stormed out. Then, she insisted that I leave our home, to the point where she got her sister involved and basically chased me out of my own home that evening.

 

After spending the night in a hotel, she text me the next morning and tried to claim I "wasn't welcome back." I was so done with her stupid games that I called the police and had them make it clear to her that she had no right to kick me out of our house. After that, she continued her power struggle by changing the lock on our front door and trying to lock me into the spare bedroom (tried to bolt the door from the rest of the house). I again had to have police let her know she cannot legally do that. It was clear as day it was just a power struggle for her, as she knows I am as harmless as a fly.

 

So, it has been almost a week now and I don't really know what to do. She doesn't talk to me, but whenever we are in the same room like the kitchen, she gives me nasty looks. It's so frustrating, because all of this started out of such a small, petty thing, and because of her caring more about her own ego than my feelings, got blown so so far out of proportion that I think the damage here is probably permanent.

 

I don't know how to deal with this type of person, where love turns to hate like this. If anyone has any suggestions on how to try to keep the peace here and get the anger she has to subside, I am all ears. It is so heartbreaking, as I love her and miss having her in my life, but she seems like she can no longer even stand the sight of me. I don't get how someone can go from loving you to hating you this much, nor do I know what to do now to try to fix this (if even possible). I did try e-mailing her a few days ago to explain my side and even apologize for some things, but she is still doing the silent treatment. I'm thinking the best is to just keep quiet and distant until she decides to talk to me, if ever? At this point, we left it at that I am looking for a new place over the next few weeks and moving out. If I could reconcile, I would love to, but I can't ever deal with the silent treatment anymore. It abuses me emotionally beyond words. Would love suggestions here???

Edited February 15, 2019 by Physx

[PRW]

Heard the phrase "Remember what got you where you are"? Now flip it around the other way...

When you find yourself somewhere you don't want to be,...stop doing what got you there.

I don't know how to deal with this type of person, where love turns to hate like this.

Think about how that statement sounds. You are still blaming it on her and basically calling her hateful and asking how to manipulate her into not being hateful.

 

Men who understand women don't "argue" with them.

You aren't supposed to try to change what she thinks,...you are supposed to change what she feels. So how do you make her feel? Loved? Appreciated? Respected? Doesn't sound like it. Women are responders, the response you get is tied to what you put in.

[Orokotikki]

You are beginning a bullet-dodging maneuver.

Extricate your life from hers ASAP and start the process of moving on to complete the maneuver!

[Marc878]

Do you like the drama? If so stay with her and you'll continue to get it.

 

If not move on. At some point she will succeed on getting you arrested or taking a restraining order against you.

 

You are responsible for you. Sounds like you are failing yourself. Why?

[Orokotikki]

Yeah - I should add, start carrying a VAR today before you get strung up on bogus domestic assault charges.

[Tamfana]

She’s done. Move on.

 

You gave us your interpretation of the argument but no info that would help to gauge whether it was small and petty or nasty. Though it's moot now, I'd be curious what was said by each of you during the small petty argument and what your snide remark was. Generally, it's not cool to make snide remarks and when someone's angry, listen rather than argue, whether it's a man or a woman. Their anger is theirs and good emotional boundaries make it easier to see that and hear rather than engage.

[chillii]

Oh brother. Forget all the how to, whoevers in the right wrong doesn't matter l can see lots of both although she does sound about 3yrs old.

But whatever, you two are just ridiculously oil and vinegar anyway.

 

luckily only 7mths , l'd be gettin out while the gettins good myself.

[BaileyB]

Dude, what are you doing living with and engaged to this woman you have known for seven months? That’s not due diligence.

 

This sounds seriously unhealthy. Protect yourself, get out now.

Edited February 16, 2019 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

It abuses me emotionally beyond words. Would love suggestions here???

 

 

Change "it" to "she". Is that what you want in a life partner? Not saying you didn't do your part in this, but it's important to be able to resolve conflicts as a couple.

 

Given what you describe, I suspect she may have been having some doubts on her side and is taking this as an opportunity to cut bait. OR, she has such a need for control that she's willing to burn the R to the ground rather than concede.

 

Either way, the suggestion is you should strongly consider moving on.

[Twizzlestick]

In this instance, not for you to make how she feels or any of that know a lady stuff. This person is an absolutely head case. I’ve dated a girl years ago who behaved similarly. Just stay away from individuals like that, they get progressively more neurotic and dangerous the more you don’t kow tow to their drama cycle. Last thing you want is she starts lying and accusing you of xyz.

 

You’ve been run through the mill. She’s an adult and treating you like ****. Quite frankly, your emotions are trading you down wanting to get back with that utter mess. I’d run a mile and find someone who is capable of acting like a human being and communicating. They do exist.

 

Not with this one.

[Physx]

Thanks for all the feedback. I know the suggestions to run are the best ones here. And as far as what you said Mark Clemson, I believe you are right in the second part as far as the control issue. The whole matter (silent treatment, etc.) is about control and refusing to concede on her end. I am 99% certain of that now. And I get now that I have no place trying to change her mind. I need to respect her decision, even though I don't agree with it, and walk away.

 

It just sucks, because prior to all that, things were amazing. There were only about 3 or 4 times over the past 7 months where she lost it like this and let her ego get the best of her. I don't expect anyone to be perfect, and tried to overlook it. The good far outweighed the bad until this recent incident.

 

I know engaged and living together at 7 months is extreme. It's NOT something I would typically do. It was only because of how amazing the chemistry was. In hindsight, she definitely love-bombed me at the start. Being someone who loves to give, I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

 

At this point, I am just trying to keep the peace until I can get out of here. I know her ego would NEVER let her get back together with me now. I also don't care to be with someone who cares more about her ego than she does my feelings or the relationship.

 

It's just hard for me to wrap my brain around this. I felt like it started over such a small, petty little quarrel, and exploded into a huge drama that destroyed us. She can be so understanding at times, but at others, so irrational. My guess would be bi-polar or borderline personality disorder, but I could certainly be wrong. I know I can be a pain at times too, so I accepted those things about her just like she accepted that I can be annoying when it comes to asking tons of questions (my way of getting to know the person I'm with better).

 

She even went to the extent of contacting an ex-girlfriend of mine from my past that she knew I ended on bad terms with. Now, seems like they are having fun patting each other on the back and giving each other affirmation that they shouldn't be with me. So now, I have a current ex angry at me that I am stuck living with, along with an old ex who already disliked me that is now trying to harass me out of jealousy (treated the recent girlfriend better than I did her, for a number of reasons I won't get into). It has become a complete Ringling Bros. Circus.

 

I guess even though this was a bad situation, I don't expect anything to be perfect. I know relationships take work and sacrifice at times, and I felt this relationship was such a great one that I was willing to try to work on it. But, it seems her ego will not let her now just like you said Mark. There's nothing I can do about that but just walk away. Thank you though for all the feedback here. It definitely help me get a broader perspective of the situation. She clearly doesn't want to try to fix it, and I don't have any place trying to change someone's mind about wanting to be with me.

[Rockdad]

Back up the truck, living together and engaged before even 7 months ??

[Physx]

Back up the truck, living together and engaged before even 7 months ??

 

 

I have already heard the lecture over a dozen times. Don't need to hear it again. I already know it was a stupid mistake.

 

Letting things move that quickly was NOT something I make a habit of doing. Everything just seemed to be perfect with this girl. At 40yrs old, it blew every other relationship I have ever been in clear out the water (and I have been dating regularly since I was 14yrs old). Like not even remotely close to the love I felt for her, the common interests, how we saw eye to eye on literally every topic, from spirituality, to politics, to personal values and beliefs, etc. I truly thought this girl was "the one," and with how much we seemed to love each other, I had myself convinced there was no way it WASN'T going to last.

 

Clearly, I was a dumbass and was dead wrong. I get that now, but rehashing that isn't going to change it. A part of the situation was also finances. She was struggling to keep up with her bills, so with how good things were at the time, we figured it only made sense for me to move in with her and help her with her bills. We spent the night together every single night at that point anyway, so I was only wasting $900 a month on another apartment that I wasn't using for months. But yea, now it's biting me in the arse, as I am now stuck in a house with someone who seems to hate me.

[basil67]

Forget about apologies.

 

At this point, one of you needs to be the adult and say "I really love you and I think we can have a really great thing between us. But this is the fourth time we've done this in such a short period and we can't continue if we fight like this. Let's talk about how we can do things differently".

 

For the record, I also intensely dislike when someone goes silent. But it's usually not a power play. It's more about that they don't know what to say or do...or they are processing....or are hurting and have shut down. If you are to make this work, please don't make assumptions about her behaviour. Perhaps part of 'doing things differently' could involve a bit of counselling as to how to disagree without it turning into WWIII. I usually don't advise counselling in such a young relationship, but it sounds like both of you could use those skills regardless of whether you're together or have broken up.

Edited February 18, 2019 by basil67

[Physx]

Forget about apologies.

 

At this point, one of you needs to be the adult and say "I really love you and I think we can have a really great thing between us. But this is the fourth time we've done this in such a short period and we can't continue if we fight like this. Let's talk about how we can do things differently".

 

For the record, I also intensely dislike when someone goes silent. But it's usually not a power play. It's more about that they don't know what to say or do...or they are processing....or are hurting and have shut down. If you are to make this work, please don't make assumptions about her behaviour. Perhaps part of 'doing things differently' could involve a bit of counselling as to how to disagree without it turning into WWIII. I usually don't advise counselling in such a young relationship, but it sounds like both of you could use those skills regardless of whether you're together or have broken up.

 

Thank you for your advice. As far as having gone silent, you may be right in the sense that she is hurting and her response is converting her love to anger. It seems to be her coping mechanism currently. She seems extremely angry at me because of trying to talk to her the evening she forced me out. She is blowing it way out of proportion, but I think it is her way to justify pushing me away. I am sure this response is out of fear and hurting, but I don't know if she realizes that on a conscious level or not. The only thing I know she is aware of is anger towards me, and she blames it on what she labels as "me trying to force her to talk to me that night."

 

As far as counseling, we did talk about the possibility of counseling in the past. We are both well aware that we are extremely sensitive people and overreact at times to things because of it. However, she doesn't seem receptive to anything but me leaving at this point. Pretty sure she is just going to keep ignoring me until I am gone, and that my only hope of ever making this work down the road is to leave for a while and see if she truly misses me down the road. I am sure she will miss me to some extent when I do, but I don't think her pride will ever let her reach back out to me.

 

I did try to make the first move at resolving this last night through an e-mail. I let her know I didn't want to throw all of this away, especially over such a petty argument that in the larger scheme of things, really doesn't matter. I also made it clear to her that I respect her decision to want me to leave, and that if it's what she truly wants, I will still be doing so once I save up the money (hopefully within the next few weeks if things go the way they keep going now). She knows where my heart is, yet she still hasn't said a single word to me today. I finished the e-mail with telling her if she ever wanted to go for a walk and talk on the beach, or even just sit down, I would be receptive to that, but that I will still respect her wishes and leave if we don't. At this point, I don't have any other option but to leave.

 

I don't think she will speak to me until after I have moved out and been away for a while. Regretfully, I think waiting until then to contact me is going to be too late for me. I don't know how I could forgive someone shoving me out of my own home like this. I would also have no security anymore that it wouldn't happen again. I was completely blind-sided by this, and I would be afraid to ever invest in her again with how quick she is to break up whenever we argue. I simply have no idea how I could forgive something like this, but with the connection we have had, the notion of never being with her again is unfathomable.

 

She told me on numerous occasions "I couldn't live without you" and "If you die before me, I'll die of a broken heart soon after" and "If you left me, I don't think I would be able to survive after losing you." We are both spiritual, and truly felt we were each others "twin flames" (soul mates as many people call it, but something deeper). I know that may sound cheesy and ridiculous, but with how similar her and I were and the amazing connection we had, it described the twin flame relationship-type to the very last detail. This is also the "runner and chaser" type of scenario that is sadly common with them in the beginning too. I know chasing is only going to make her keep running, but I also have no idea how long she is going to keep running for.

 

I think I have done the best I can for now, which is tell her I respect her decision for me to leave and that I will, but that it's not what I want and that the door is open for her for now. I almost considered buying her flowers, but I think the more I "chase" her now, the more she is going to run.

 

I really appreciate your advice. Very insightful and helpful. Thanks again.

Edited February 19, 2019 by Physx
typo

[Marc878]

After 7 months trial you know what you need to know.

 

Why don't you believe it ?

[mark clemson]

Physx, I think you might want to do some research on Borderline Personality Disorder. I am certainly not qualified to diagnose anyone, but it sounds like GF (and possibly you?) may have some tendencies. Please note this is intended as a suggestion to be helpful only - I'm in no way judging you or GF in this matter.

[mark clemson]

Physx, apologies - I realized you mentioned BPD in your previous post, so have thought about it.

 

If you feel she either has it or has strong tendencies, IMO that is NOT someone you want to be in a relationship. Another major red flag as loving someone like that will almost certainly become a nightmare unless/until they get help, e.g. CBT/DBT. More to think about for you...

[Physx]

Physx, apologies - I realized you mentioned BPD in your previous post, so have thought about it.

 

If you feel she either has it or has strong tendencies, IMO that is NOT someone you want to be in a relationship. Another major red flag as loving someone like that will almost certainly become a nightmare unless/until they get help, e.g. CBT/DBT. More to think about for you...

 

Thanks for the feedback and yes, I do know a fair amount about psychology. I've studied it off and on over the years. Her mood swings are definitely an indication of some psychological issue, but I am not sure how much was due to current circumstances (she has serious financial issues currently). I kept trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, figuring once we flipped the house and moved into something more affordable, things would improve. However, even if it did, it wouldn't change the fact that I would be stuck dealing with this in the future during stressful situations from time to time.

 

Her extreme mood swings were one of the top reasons I wanted us to do counseling. I felt she was well worth it so long as we would commit to working on it. However, I don't want that anymore at this point due to the most recent circumstances...

 

Recently, she reached out to an old ex-girlfriend of mine who is EXTREMELY mentally unstable (BPD, PTSD, abandonement issues, bi-polar, mild schizo, sociopath (including compulsive lying), and more). To make matters worse, this is an ex who still wants me back and my ex-fiance knows this, as she saw all the flirty messages and nudes my ex sent me as soon as her and I had some issues a few months back (ex-girlfriend saw the relationship status change the very same day on my FB, even though she is NOT on my friend's list).

 

So, of course my ex is doing all she can to make sure I do not get back together with my ex-fiance. Apparently, my ex-girlfriend posted up a, let's say "inappropriate" ad on Craigslist with the ex-fiance's phone number. She also left a negative review for her business online to hurt her financially as well. For some reason, my ex-fiance was credulous enough to believe I'd do something malicious like that, when this whole time, I have made it clear I miss her. She knows I'm not an idiot, but she wouldn't even listen to me when she screamed at me about it the other day.

 

There is absolutely nothing I can do to get her to believe me at this point, and it usually takes people a few weeks if not months to realize my ex is crazy (she is an extremely charismatic sociopath initially). It has also made me lose pretty much all interest in trying on my end, as my ex-fiance is believing everything my ex-girlfriend is feeding her over me.

 

With how hostile my ex-fiance started getting towards me, I left the house. I have resorted to staying at a hostel until I have somewhere else to go. I wasn't about to keep getting yelled at when I didn't do any of it. She will figure out the truth eventually, but by then, it will be way too late. Maybe months or years down the road we will meet again (IF she got help by then), but for now, I am done being treated like dirt.

[mark clemson]

... but for now, I am done being treated like dirt.

 

Hopefully forever.

 

A bummer what the other one did, but it is what it is and can't be changed now. Maybe it's all for the best if it let you see "the real her". At any rate, definitely time to walk away from all the drama, get your head back on straight and move on, hopefully to something a lot saner.