Jess1975 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 We live together he says he wants a divorce but he loves me and cares for me just doesn’t want to be with me. Never callas or texts or returns my attempts. Ignores me completely when home unless he needs something...please help I’m a good wife I work a lot and pay all our bills why does he hate me Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 We live together he says he wants a divorce but he loves me and cares for me just doesn’t want to be with me. Never callas or texts or returns my attempts. Ignores me completely when home unless he needs something...please help I’m a good wife I work a lot and pay all our bills why does he hate me We can't begin to guess without any context, OP. How long have you been married, and what problems have you encountered with him over the years? I am guessing this request for a divorce didn't come out of nowhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 Because you marriage has deteriorated into 2 people living together, working hard, and paying the bills. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 We live together he says he wants a divorce but he loves me and cares for me just doesn’t want to be with me. Never callas or texts or returns my attempts. Ignores me completely when home unless he needs something...please help I’m a good wife I work a lot and pay all our bills why does he hate me The question for me is, why do you work hard and pay all his bills when he ignores you and tells you that he doesn’t want to be with you? The fact that he wants a divorce is in no way a reflection of how “good” a wife you have been. The simple fact is, this marriage has run its course (for whatever reason) and he is now behaving like a “bad” husband. You deserve more than that. I would not continue to support him if he is behaving this way and he has told you he wants a divorce. As hard as it is, you need to let him go. Get yourself a lawyer and file the papers. Don’t wait for him to do it. What he is doing to you is not ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jess1975 Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 Been married 3 years together 4. He changed drastically within two weeks of marriage. Like a completely different person. Angry and filled with hatred Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 Been married 3 years together 4. He changed drastically within two weeks of marriage. Like a completely different person. Angry and filled with hatred An affair maybe? How long did you date before marriage, did he want to marry you or was he somewhat forced into marrying? Could he have married you for financial gain? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 I work a lot and pay all our bills Does this mean he doesn't work? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
The Dude Abides Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 Jess You say he is angry and filled with hatred, but also that he says that he loves you and cares for you. Assuming that you would like to work things out with your husband, I think you likely will need an impartial third party to help both of you to communicate and get to the bottom of what is causing his animosity towards you. It does seem like counseling might not do much, given that you said he turned nasty within two weeks of your wedding. It is hard to fathom such a stark contrast in behavior, so soon after the wedding. It sounds like you are a hard-working person and would and could make the effort if he would also. So, maybe you can make a good honest effort and if things really follow through to divorce you will at least have some solace in knowing that you tried. If it is any comfort, many others here at LS have experienced the same thing. My first wife changed almost overnight after our wedding. I did try as much as I was able to given how young and clueless I was, but to no avail. Later on, I did actually feel a bit better about myself knowing that I had tried to work things out. Best wishes to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 He’s abusive and will never change. Stop letting him make you feel like you did something wrong or that there’s something wrong with you. He’s banking on you thinking that way. Abusers pull this stunt all the time. It’s like they all work from the same script. Once they’ve entrapped you, they show you their true selves. But the victim often thinks that the fake self they saw before was the real self. I can save you the suspense — he’s mean-spirited and will never change. Give him the divorce he says he wants and watch him start trying to charm his way back into your life. These people are the worst. Get away from him no matter how much you think he’ll change back. He won’t - not permanently. You were tricked into a very bad situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 Abusers pull this stunt all the time. It’s like they all work from the same script. Once they’ve entrapped you, they show you their true selves. But the victim often thinks that the fake self they saw before was the real self. ...You were tricked into a very bad situation. The victim, if female spends her life in hope that the lovely man she met at the start will come back, make her life wonderful again and she can then forget about all the horrible things he did to her, as he was not himself and he didn't really mean it. BUT... he was himself and he did really mean it... Abusers are rarely abusers 24/7, he tends to shows flashes of "niceness" every now and again, in order to keep her on board and stop her from leaving him. She will cherish those as proof that he is deep down a good man and that she is right to stay... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 (edited) He’s abusive and will never change. Give him the divorce he says he wants and watch him start trying to charm his way back into your life. Yes, if you are supporting him and he has isolated you like this then he's probably a Grifter. You need to file and initiate the divorce your self - he's not going to give up his hold on you. For him it's strictly financial and his divorce threat is a ruse that keeps you frozen with inaction. I caution you however, that when you file it is not a given that he will attempt to "charm you back." He may in fact turn quite hostile and the longer you wait to file the more time he has to set traps and make the divorce more difficult and costly. I know you don't want a divorce - but, he sounds like a disease that has infected your life and you need immediate surgery. Start cutting today. Edited February 17, 2019 by Turning point Link to post Share on other sites
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