My girlfriend of 10 years left me because I've made mistakes

[preraph]

She cares about money, but only if it's someone else working to make it and paying the bills. Do not give this girl any more money!

[bathtub-row]

I don't see any reason to announce anything on social media. Regardless, she's in negative mode right now and knew that person would relay her comments to you. Don't be surprised if your ex crawls out of the woodwork at some point. The truth is, after all these years, I think her picking this particular point in time to leave you was pretty inconsiderate.

 

I don't know if she was in it for the money or not. It's likely that she prefers not to think about money until everything comes crashing down around her. It's probable that she just wanted you to be her savior. I don't know if you noticed it or not but she's a bit of a handful, and pretty immature.

[basil67]

Just how much money did she lose when you sent her bankrupt? And what about the damage to her credit rating? Given that she put her own finances on the line - and lost - for your multiple failed businesses, I'm not seeing her as the gold digger that others are.

[jasonkconcertfan]

This is the problem with financial stuff. It's overpowering. You all are exactly how I've been for years. I've been laser focused on this money stuff and we aren't even talking about major amounts of money. I've never been a Trump. I'm just a small fry trying to make ends meet.

 

The "multiple failed businesses" were 3 that went down around the same time. It's easy for everything to have a cascading effect when things go bad. Her total debts during BK were probably like $5-10k. Neither of us had much credit to begin with. Neither of us were really using each other. I would've been successful with my business but things got overwhelming. And she has just never thought too much of money either way. She was working at a factory job when I met her. When I saw she was unhappy there, I convinced her to join me with at home work.

 

All in all, I probably broke even when it came to actual money she contributed in the relationship. And that stuff really doesn't matter to me. I almost never bought her gifts, flowers, etc. and that's what makes me sad now. It wasn't because I didn't love her. I just never had much to spare and I've been so focused on things that don't even matter now.

 

If she was looking for someone to pay all of her bills or whatever, she could have found a million better guys for that. We just enjoyed doing everything together. We would enter a ton of contests for concerts and experiences and we ended up winning quite a few (easier to win concert tickets than most things). If we could share social media pages here, you'd see so many pictures from really cool times - 100s of experiences - that we had that were just really amazing. I can't imagine doing the things that I've done with her with anybody else.

 

There is an update today: I have her brothers address now (she updated an account online with it). What to do with it? Not sure. I am leaning towards sincere hand written letter (but I've already offered so much of what I would say in texts), and maybe flowers. I originally thought I should try for at least one chat in person but I do think now that's being disrespectful to her request for space.

 

I have not many any attempt at contact since the 14th. My last text was asking if she would want to talk to me via phone. She never replied. I've been sort of hoping she would instigate at least one conversation with me but between her rather large family there and setting into this new life, I'm sure she isn't thinking about me as much as I am about her

Edited February 19, 2019 by jasonkconcertfan

[bathtub-row]

I know this is a really hard thing to do but you need to leave her alone. And forget about writing a letter, unless you want to write it and then put it away. That’s actually very therapeutic, btw.

 

The reason you need to leave her alone - aside from the fact that she didn’t respond the last time - is because you need to let things cool down. People typically take 2-3 months and then often return to a past relationship. It happens all the time. If you interrupt her healing and thinking process, you’ll interrupt the whole process overall.

 

I learned a long time ago that people are their own worst enemies and, if left to their own devices and thoughts, they typically rethink their actions. Leave her alone and see what happens. Perhaps sometime around May, contact her again and see what happens. In the meantime, think about how to improve your life, career, etc. Maybe the two of you can reunite somewhere down the road as healthier people.

[Highndry]

There is an update today: I have her brothers address now (she updated an account online with it). What to do with it? Not sure. I am leaning towards sincere hand written letter (but I've already offered so much of what I would say in texts), and maybe flowers. I originally thought I should try for at least one chat in person but I do think now that's being disrespectful to her request for space.

 

 

Buddy, you're going into cringeworthy mode. DO NOT do this. Seriously. The woman wants nothing to do with you right now. You need to respect her, along with maintaining your self respect. It's time to disconnect, go your own way. What part of her actions are you not understanding?

[jasonkconcertfan]

I didn't use the address but I did send her a very heartfelt email message last night (first in 5 days) asking about a possible meeting this weekend. I did get a reply. It states:

 

"I read your email. I appreciate you giving me space. I may have a job and I don't even know if this weekend would be possible. I do still care about both of you."

 

(She's referring to my mom)

 

I'm trying to scale way back. I realize I am trying to resolve this too quickly. I will not send anything to the postal address and I will try my best to chill. It's difficult for me not to try to be sharing with her that I love her when her biggest complaint about me was that she didn't see that expressed from me enough.

[Highndry]

If you love her then you will respect her wishes. That's unconditional love. Chasing her when she's trying everything she can to block you is selfish. I think you've done enough of the "heartfelt" thing. It's time for you to allow her the space she wants and let her decide if she wants to engage with you, otherwise it's just more selfishness.

 

Think of it like this:

 

Have you ever had somebody attracted to you that you're absolutely not interested in, no way no how, yet they keep trying to see you, talk to you, etc.? I think most people have experienced this at least once, oftentimes on multiple occasions.

 

Well, it becomes an extreme annoyance when you keep declining their advances, yet they don't take no for an answer. You start to resent them, building up anger and disgust. That's what you're doing if you keep on this path.

Edited February 19, 2019 by Highndry

[bathtub-row]

Her response was very kind...and somewhat hopeful.

 

You’re trying to undo damage that you perceive was done, but it’s a lot like closing the barn door after the horse got out. You can’t say, “Oh! Now I see the light!” and expect everyone else to fall in line. Apparently a lot of damage has been done but that doesn’t mean it’s completely over. I get how you’re feeling and I know it hurts.

[LastStraw]

Doesn't look positive to me

 

I'm sure she's feeling guilty for leaving you at such a hard moment with your mother, but heck she's so cold... When an ex would send me a heartfelt email I'd at least attempt to match the emotion level...

 

And to be honest, I'm not buying that her main issue with her is that you didn't express your love. The financial issues were dramatic, I'm surprise you lasted through these but... I think she's looking for a more stable situation now, or has found someone (not saying she's having sex with him, but maybe exploring a prospect).

 

How old is she?

 

I didn't use the address but I did send her a very heartfelt email message last night (first in 5 days) asking about a possible meeting this weekend. I did get a reply. It states:

 

"I read your email. I appreciate you giving me space. I may have a job and I don't even know if this weekend would be possible. I do still care about both of you."

 

(She's referring to my mom)

 

I'm trying to scale way back. I realize I am trying to resolve this too quickly. I will not send anything to the postal address and I will try my best to chill. It's difficult for me not to try to be sharing with her that I love her when her biggest complaint about me was that she didn't see that expressed from me enough.

[jasonkconcertfan]

She is 46. I'm 43.

 

I would be extremely shocked if it was another guy. She hasn't lied to me yet that I know of and she said she isn't even interested in dating at the moment. I'm not going to say impossible, I know. Like I might have said, I've lived through that type of breakup before. But I'd be totally floored/shocked. It also doesn't quite fit with the move to Kansas City. I mean she'd never been there before. She never texts/interacts with anyone from there, etc.

 

She is taking a lot of pictures with her brothers kids. I think her younger brother and his family are the main focus now and establishing some kind of job there.

Edited February 20, 2019 by jasonkconcertfan

[LastStraw]

She doesn’t have kids I assume? She probably finds emotional support in her brothers family, 10 years is awful long time even if the relationship wasn’t good...

 

The move to Kansas City is a fresh start for her... Maybe. I’m not saying she left you for another guy but may have someone in mind. You know her better of course.

 

Right now best is to back off. Give her some space to miss you ...

 

She is 46. I'm 43.

 

I would be extremely shocked if it was another guy. She hasn't lied to me yet that I know of and she said she isn't even interested in dating at the moment. I'm not going to say impossible, I know. Like I might have said, I've lived through that type of breakup before. But I'd be totally floored/shocked. It also doesn't quite fit with the move to Kansas City. I mean she'd never been there before. She never texts/interacts with anyone from there, etc.

 

She is taking a lot of pictures with her brothers kids. I think her younger brother and his family are the main focus now and establishing some kind of job there.

[Highndry]

What I find so odd is that, after 10 years, she didn't have the respect to have a conversation with you or anything, she just moved out and blocked you. That is wrong. It is also the thing that, to me, would raise suspicions that there may be somebody else. I don't want to put that into your mind, but the way she handled this is extremely poor and leaves many unanswered questions.

[jasonkconcertfan]

10 years is awful long time even if the relationship wasn’t good...

 

Right, she can't have kids. I have also never had kids (not a choice, just fate).

 

I don't think it wasn't good even. I really think our circumstances were bad and against me staying sane.

 

I don't think she would have thought it was bad until very recently. I have been rereading messages from her from mid-January and they still seemed incredibly filled with hope for our future. She was recommending all kinds of things she wanted to do with me during the Summer. She was suggesting when tax season is over (I'm customer service for a major tax software company - that's one reason I'm doing such crazy hours right now) that we should take a trip to Vegas for the first time.

 

I'm still processing. But I am appreciating all of your advice and I am trying not to send notes or anything else at the moment. I know I'm just rambling and getting redundant here but it's helping me process probably. I used to send her notes throughout the day. I really don't have any other (real) friends at the current time. Everyone I know is in relationships.

[jasonkconcertfan]

What I find so odd is that, after 10 years, she didn't have the respect to have a conversation with you or anything, she just moved out and blocked you.

 

This.

 

That's why I guess I am thinking this meeting would work it out. I've never been unable to work something out by talking to her and I didn't get that chance with this.

 

Maybe she's not the same girl that I used to know right now tho. I have definitely seen that in past breakups too.

Edited February 20, 2019 by jasonkconcertfan

[Wallysbears]

Stop stalking her, her social media, online accounts, etc. It is creepy. Leave her alone. Focus on you.

[jasonkconcertfan]

Okay, so I've done mostly nothing. I've sent no flowers, no more notes or letters.

 

She did text me unexpectedly yesterday to ask how my mom was and if my properties in the other state were okay (flooding in the area). I said I wasn't too sure on the properties and told her about my mom. Asked her how she was. She said "Good" and gave a one or two sentence summary about spending a lot of time with her brothers kids. I said something about what she said and she gave me a thumbs up icon which is her thing lately to indicate she's done replying or will start doing nothing but thumbs ups, etc. so I just left her alone after that.

 

The Pink concert we're both signed up to volunteer during with an organization called Reverb is on Sunday, March 10th. Kansas City is an 8 hour drive from Nashville so she really might not go. But Pink is her favorite artist and she was considering this "a bucket list show". I'm 4 1/2 hours away and going for sure. Thinking I'm probably going to spend about 2-3 nights in Nashville maybe if I can (mom permitting) to get away someplace warmer than here.

[jasonkconcertfan]

So she created a new POF account last night. That's where we met.

 

Talked to someone from it via texts for approx one hour last night. (She's still a line on my family phone so I can see these things)

 

Go to the brothers house? Stay away? I've made no contact since she messaged me last a week ago today.

[bathtub-row]

I think she really cares a lot about you but, for some reason, is trying to move on. I don’t think this is an easy thing for her to do. I think continuing to stay away and not contact her is the best thing you can do. I know it’s hard and you’ve got a lot going on right now but you can’t make her do something she doesn’t want to do. She may come around at some point.

[jasonkconcertfan]

But if I go, there is really no way I can make anything even better?

 

I know I can't force anything but we haven't even talked face to face one time. There was only one actual phone call afterwards. It just doesn't seem like I've done nearly enough to me.

[bathtub-row]

I’m usually the first one to encourage a guy to chase after a girl, even after she left him. But there are times when that won’t work. When someone backs away from you because, back away further. If a person is feeling smothered, the best way to show them you’re not smothering them is to leave them alone.

 

You don’t have any confidence in what the two of you had together but it’s more powerful than you think. Your absence is the loudest thing in her life. She didn’t walk away from that many years and not feel it’s full effects. That’s not to say that she may not eventually move on but you need to give her breathing space right now. At least, that’s what I think. If you want to do more, then do it. You know the situation far better than anyone.

 

I think she no doubt thinks well of you by the fact that you’re kind when she texts you and that you don’t show any hard feelings. It says a lot about your character.

[Highndry]

Kick her off your phone line and cut her out. Move on.

[jasonkconcertfan]

Well I went.

 

I'm glad I went. But of course it was a failure. But I think this at least brings the closure.

 

I got the looks from her that indicate she was done. The cold looking stares. I was told that she has felt trapped for some time. I was told that I was selfish and everything was always about what I wanted including this visit. I told her that she was the only one I thought of in 10 years and she told me that wasn't the case for her but she'd never acted on anything. I was told that I wasn't good at anything I did/tried and she had a big list of things (housework, jobs, sex, etc). She stayed in a position with her arms crossed. Her eyes watered occasionally but no tears. She texted on her phone at times to her brother and his wife whom she wanted to come ask me to leave. For some reason, she didn't have the courage to just ask me herself. (When her brothers wife showed up, she told me that my ex had texted her to ask her to ask me to leave from her...)

 

This entire exchange was in a doorway. I was not actually invited in. Because her reaction was so distant, I was able to say the things that I planned to say all this time but it's the first time that I've thought them without tears in my eyes. Her actions caused me to seem/sound insincere with what I was saying today tbh even tho it really was true.

 

I did get to see our two dogs but even they seemed cold lol. I got some quick licks but then the dog that usually was spending 24/7 with me kinda just went off and did it's own scratching thing in the corner. That didn't even go like I'd planned it.

 

So I'm done checking up on everything. Her phone is now off.

 

Oddly enough, she did text me after this exchange to ask what time I was leaving town and to tell me that I could pay and take her out to dinner if I wanted as friends. That part seemed even more weird. I don't even know how to process it.

 

So you all were right although I don't think there were any right/wrong answers here. I just followed my heart.

Edited March 5, 2019 by jasonkconcertfan

[Highndry]

I think it was a poor decision to go there, but regardless I don't think you're any worse off. She is done. I would just ignore the text about dinner. If she ever texts you again about anything I would just say "you had your chance with me and that's over. Do not ever contact me again."

[bathtub-row]

I agree with Highndry. Don't respond to her texts again. She keeps jerking you around like a yo-yo. I know this must hurt but sometimes seeing it in real life and saying what you need to say helps a lot.

 

Unfortunately, she has said things to you that she can't take back, things you'll never forget. I'm really sorry you're going through this.