SilverLining21 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 Hi all, I’m very new to this. I’m going through a bit of a rough time at the moment due to a new relationship failing after a short period of time which has sparked off a lot of uncomfortable memories for me as I have been in a few narcissistic relationships in the past. Basically I have been to see the doctor who has said that it sounds like I have PTSD from a relationship 18 years ago and so I need some therapy....I start next week :-) I was with someone else for 7 years who was also a narc, but slightly different. Something has come back to me that I think I just kept buried for the last 4 years, which I now wondered if I should bring up at my therapy, and also what other people thought of this. Basically this person I was with for 7 years was VERY sexual. However, towards the end of our relationship we stopped having sex as I wasn’t comfortable with him anymore. One night I woke up from sleeping to having him tied my feet to the bed and having sex with me. When I moved he stopped. Then when he thought I was asleep he started again. I didn’t say anything at the time (stupid I know) as I was a bit in shock. When we split up I told him that I knew what he had done and why had he done this. His answer was ‘well if I’d have asked you to have sex you would have said no’. What’s everyone’s views on this?? Sorry for asking!! Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 Welcome to LS. Tying your feet to the bed without you knowing it is classified as assault in most places, as is coercing someone to have sex. Unless you are into surprise kink, I think it's an across the board bad idea to continue with this guy. Probably time to move on? Or are there deeper issues holding you back from leaving him for greener pastures? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverLining21 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 I’m not with him anymore :-) Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 His answer was ‘well if I’d have asked you to have sex you would have said no. What’s everyone’s views on this?? Nonconsensual sex is rape. In this case it's not even questionable. Do not go back with this guy no matter what. You're so used to abusive relationships that you don't even recognized it. Invest yourself in therapy and try to transcend the trauma and pattern of abuse. I hope you're able, and that you find a loving, healthy relationship and a fresh start. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverLining21 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 I would never go back with this person. it was actually 4 years ago and I stayed single for all of this time as I didn’t trust myself to not let something like this happen again. As I said, this was the third narc relationship I’ve been in. I’m booked in to therapy next week as I’ve had a bit of a rough month. I did start seeing someone I met on line dating a couple of months ago. We chatted for a couple of weeks where the texts turned sexual very quickly, he asked for many pictures etc and assumed we would be having sex when we met as he asked if I was on the pill etc. When we met I did sleep with him on the first date :-( Quite unlike me, I was a little drunk and it kind of just happened. After that we saw each other about 5 more times for ‘dates’, which were really just at his or mine and always ended in sex. I think I kind of felt like he would like me if it happened (this is how my ex which did what I wrote in the original post was like so I’ve learned it through that :-() He would also say things like ‘you’ll think I don’t like you anymore if I didn’t want to f@*k you’ when I made comments such as ‘I’m more than just sex’. The last time I saw him he was unwell so I took him food etc to his. We ended up having sex and before it was time for me to leave I asked him if he was still chatting to people on the dating app. I wanted to ask as I was getting real feelings for him and as we were having sex and he had pictures and was taking pictures of me, I felt like it didn’t feel right if he was still looking for others. I know I may not have had a right as it was only a month and a half but I didn’t want to be hurt again. He told me he was and I went a little quiet. I didn’t shout or anything just thanked him for being honest. I left as it was time for me to go and didn’t hear from him again!!! I tried calling him which he didn’t respond to, I text him and he said ‘he forgot that I called’ and then I asked if all was ok and that was two weeks ago and e didn’t respond. I feel completely at fault for this now and it’s eating me up massively :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 It's pretty normal to be in need of physical pleasure my friend. However, doing what you are doing - sleeping with people to fill an emotional void - is not healthy. It is the emotional version of flying a moth too close to a fire. Please heal yourself, it is crucial. At the same time, I would take an inventory of self esteem. You claimed you were worth more than the sex. Do you live by this motto and express yourself in this way to other people? If not, we've got work to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverLining21 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 I definitely did not just want a sexual relationship. I was really starting to have feelings for this person and I think I just thought that maybe he just wanted sex. I know I have sooooo much work to do! But I determined to get this sorted! :-) Thank you for your replies. I really do appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverLining21 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 And no, I don’t think I do express myself that way, as I’m so used to doing what people want I just go along with it. I was desperate for more, but sadly, I don’t think he was Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 What do you think is holding you back from being the strongest version you can be? On a scale from 1 to Ruth Bader Ginsburg, where do you stand? Why do you keep being drawn to narcissistic people? And, do you know how to tell between strong, mature men, and narcissistic men? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverLining21 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 To be honest I’m not sure what’s holding me back. The relationship I had 19 years ago changed me massively. I was only 18 and didn’t know any better. Since then I’ve been in other relationships which have been slightly different but still, what I’ve been told, have been emotionally abusive. I wouldn’t know if I knew the difference either. I’ve obly ever known this type of man in a relationship and so it has become the normal to me so I have been told that I wouldn’t know that these things are wrong. I’m looking forward to starting therapy though! Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 Do you know the concept of fighting fair and love languages? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverLining21 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 No sorry I don’t Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 That's rape IMO, at the very least it's sexual assault. Definitely bring it up at therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 A strong man will partner with you and help you to grow. Love languages are the concept of two people having some fundamental method in which they feel the most validated or worthy in a relationship. They are: receiving gifts quality time words of affirmation acts of service (devotion) physical touch Many marital and dating fights come about because person A doesn't know how person B likes to feel validated, and then they fight about lack of affection, or why don't you value me. The actual truth of the matter is that they are sharing the wrong kind of affection and emotions/ ego get in the way of the objective truth. Fighting fair is the concept that when you have a conflict, you should always try to argue based on the facts, and try to not let it be an emotional attack. For example - lady tries to get man to wash the dishes. He forgets a few days. She then clams up, becomes distressed, and refuses to discuss why she's angry, and may throw vicious insults such as "I thought you loved me". He goes to bed scared of being dumped or being cheated on, when the actual conflict was about washing dishes. Taking a moment to pause and reflect on what the actual conflict is, would have fixed the situation. The actual truth of the matter here is that they are exchanging fire, and emotions/ ego get in the way of the true conflict. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverLining21 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 Thanks for the explanation :-) Not sure what that is in reference to? My past relationships? Sorry if I’m being stupid here Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 You said you don't know the difference between a strong man and a narcissistic man. The response was an explanation to one of the crucial differences Link to post Share on other sites
Author SilverLining21 Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 Thank you :-) Sorry! Very tired!! Link to post Share on other sites
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