friend may have poisoned the (relationship) well intentionally

[fiskadoro]

A close, old friend - who had a crush on me in 2001, but who seemed to have morphed into a real trusted friend - gave me advice on my 2015 breakup. Of course it was ultimately my decision, but I talked with her a lot about it.

 

A few months ago, she out of the blue told me that she had not wanted to lose the chance to spend hours on the phone talking with me, and this had affected her advice about my ex.

 

I spent my 20's and 30's in a series of messed up relationships. I squandered good opportunities, was naïve and at times impulsive, and so I began to really seek counsel from friends who seemed savvy and grounded. I was desperate to better myself and I had no clues where to start, so I depended on the people who knew me best. She was among the most valuable advice giver, so I was crushed to learn that I had been somewhat manipulated by someone who didn't really have my best interests at heart. Maybe I am still quite naïve, I guess.

 

Can you ever really trust someone as a valued friend after you have spurned their advances, or even just ignored their crush (which I did to her in 2001)?I have spent the past several days reexamining a lot of our interactions in the last few years. Some of them now take on new meanings.

[preraph]

No, you cannot. She has her own interests at heart. I'm sure when she confessed she was hoping that instead of driving you away, you'd say, "Oh, I love you too, be my girlfriend."

 

This is what we talk about on here so often about you have to not keep an opposite sex friend around if there has ever been any romantic interest either with you or with her because no new girlfriend or wife is going to be naive enough to trust that. Secondly, if they're still crushing, ,they will do their best to make it look to others as if you are their boyfriend to keep others away. Thirdly, any advice will be self-serving, which you can't even blame them for really.

 

She is going to block you from a lasting relationship, so you need to have firm boundaries once you're in a relationship. One, don't talk to her about the relationship, other than to say, I love her and hope it lasts forever/I don't even look at other women. Two, tell her, I'm not going to take a chance on losing her, so no flirty texts, no late-night texts, and I will block you if you cross the line. And i won't be seeing you in person unless my girlfriend/wife wants to come along and you treat her nicely.

[somanymistakes]

Can you ever completely trust ANYONE? Most people have ulterior motives at some point in their lives. Sometimes they don't even know it.

 

Real friends won't completely burn you over stupid things, but they may lean slightly in one direction or another based on outside factors. It's not just about romance! They may be affected by their own financial circumstances, or their other relationships, or any number of things.

 

If your best friend has a choice of life paths, and one choice means that friend goes away forever, and the other one doesn't, and they come to you for advice... can you honestly say you're 100% unbiased?

 

I think the important lesson here is to not be too reliant on any one individual when you're looking for perspective. Even we random internet strangers may have our own agendas in our advice