Did he breakup because of me or his depression?

[Jumc123]

It has been just over 2 Months since my ex had broken up with me. Although we had only been together for 10 Months, we had a very special bond between us. We loved and cared for one another unconditionally. Yes, like every other couples we had good days but jealousy had always had a big place in our relationship. He has never hurt me in any means or made me question anything in our relationship, but because of my insecurities I had always compared myself to other girls, thinking that every other girls that would be bought into our relationship would be better for him because of their looks, personality etc.

He always tried to show me my worth and that I am nothing compared to other girls but still, it was something playing in my mind.

 

Eventually, this started triggering in his mind too. It became a toxic topic in our relationship. One day he turned around and asked for space because he could not deal with it any longer (due to his depression) and I found this very challenging because I had never given someone that space before and the fear of him leaving me was starting to creep in. Our relationship was so serious to the point that we had planned our marriage even. Anyway, he said he wanted that space but we would still get married. I took his words into account but there would be days I would give him space but days where I just kept messaging him constantly. Soon there came a day where he decided he did not want us to be together at all, he did not want to get married to me.

 

That broke me as it is. I tried chasing after him but nothing was working. He explained that his depression has come to a point where he cannot deal with it any longer and his tears said it all really. Anyway he decided he did want to stay in contact with me and I went with it, but after a few days of not having contact, he messaged me asking how I was. From then, he started messaging me every other day pretty much, he started sending me old pictures/videos of us and there were nights where he would even call me to tell me that he has been considering to get back with me. I started of just listening to him but then it came to a point where I could not keep it in. I kept telling him how much I wanted him and wanted things to be fine again and soon it came to a point where I started chasing again and again.

 

We met a couple of times after the break up, everything seemed perfect but every time I had bought the topic of wanting to get back together but he then told me that he did not want it... that it was not possible. He firstly told me that he broke up because of our arguments, then to tell me that he gets bad instinct about us every time (nightmares etc.), to then tell me that he is not good enough for me and I deserve so much better. All these excuses became overwhelming to the point, i decided to leave (as much as i wanted to stay to listen to him because of his depression).

 

3 days into not talking to him, I gave in. His last message before I had left was that ''i'm a **** person'' (talking about himself) , and I felt guilty for not even replying to it . I soon called him to apologise and then we started talking once again. I had then asked to meet him because my emotions were overpowering me and he came to meet me. We spoke through everything again and this time he tells me that he had considered getting back but because of his depression he cannot physically put himself through it. Now, he does not want to go back into this past relationship again because the past arguments prick him like a needle.

 

I explained that regardless of who he is with, the past arguments will creep in. But it is about learning through mistakes, growing as a person, supporting one another and moving forward together. I know where i went wrong in the relationship and I have apologised for it. I poured my heart out to him and told him how much he means to me and told him that I am there to help him get through this phase, i just need him to give me a chance to let this relationship work and make him happy again.

 

He now feels like I am forcing him into something he does not want. but then again, he has told me that he will reconsider it and let me know in a few days what he wants. But now i feel like I am forcing him even though deep inside i know this is something we both want. I genuinely feel like his depression is talking, not him. I'm struggling to get over him but I have come to a phase of not knowing whether I should stay with hopes (depression could just be a phase and he'll come back to me) or I should just leave and try to move on... because with all honesty, I sometimes feel like I am just making it worse by expressing myself. Then again, I am worried I will leave and move on, and he'll eventually try to come back to me but by then it will be too late.

 

I would appreciate it if I could get some advice on this situation, it would mean a lot. Thank you!

Edited February 16, 2019 by Jumc123

[ExpatInItaly]

To answer the question in your thread title, both his depression and your jealousy issues led to this break-up but to varying degrees.

 

Jealousy and insecurity can indeed destroy a relationship. An ex of mine was a very jealous man and constantly (needlessly) questioned me about other men. It led to several arguments before I finally realized I wasn't attracted to him anymore and didn't want to be with him. It was too draining, unfair to me, and I had lost romantic feelings for him. You need to work on addressing where you insecurity comes from and how to cope when you feel jealous.

 

Your ex's depressed state makes it that much harder for him to manage, and certainly can increase the need to isolate himself, but I don't think it's what ultimately led him to make this decision. One doesn't need to be depressed in order to not want to deal with problems of jealousy. He is smart to not want to go back to something that wasn't working.

 

I would not wait for him. I have a feeling you two will do this back-and-forth for a little while before finally calling it a day, but I would wager that the relationship isn't going to be put back together.