Scared, Lost. Reaching out any

[TreadedSole47]

Let me start by saying I’m so happy I came across this forum

I’ll try to keep this as simple as possible.

 

Devil in the details....

 

I am 41. Wife 11 years older. We have been together 10 great years. She has grown children and I have 1 just getting started as a teenager. Our years together have been 80% on the positive side. Both complementing each other and bringing out the best in each other. Although there have been meager squabbling here and there. We have never had any real serious issues.she has always been a wonderful step mom to my child. My child is shared 50/50 with the mother (who is married and has 2 other younger children) and we have all got along great for years. Holidays Cookouts Birthdays. We shared a lot of that as a big happy really.

 

The Bomb......

 

My son who I love with every cell in my being is a wild child. Not mean. Not Calluses. Not a bully. But suffers from ADHD and has some impulse control issues. Always been there but never pushing the envelope

Late last year my son while at his mothers and their extended family made some inappropriate touching happen with a younger sister. No rape no forcefully controlling nothing under any clothing but still harmful touching none the less.

 

(Please understand before going forward I make NO ExCuSE for his action. I am NOT dumbing down the incident nor trying to some it up to “ Curiosity “ or “Boys being Boys” please don’t lash out at me. I am after all a father trying to help)

 

So the issue is directly brought to his mother and to his step father and to me and his step mother. We sit down. Decide to separate the kids for now. He moves in with me and my wife full time and we start talking to professionals and a therapist for BOTH kids right away.

 

A week or 2 into therapy and doing the right thing Child Protective services were notified of the incident . The police were notified and statements had to be given from both kids etc. a full month after this (days before Thanksgiving) the police call back. Advising the charging with sexual abuse of a child under the age of 13. (He was 13 she was 10 at the time of the incident) and he is to promptly be arrested.

Arrest is made. He is released into my custody after 5 days and not allowed any unsupervised contact. The detective and juvenile court official call to say they didn’t think jail was right. We already are taking all the right steps and they feel the DA being new is hard pressed to really “sock it to” sex crimes. I completely understand and support that. But I also feel since he is a child that therapy and support and help is the best first steps. Not throw the book at him.

Fast forward about 2-3 weeks. Now in my state once charged and since in my care the police are required to notify neighbors that someone has moved into the area that has been charged with a sex crime. They cannot say who or the charge or any other details. But some watchdog family group websites and such that heavily monitor the court stuff easily found the address and was able to mark the “general area” on a watchdog website as to the offenders location. Needless to say “general area” under terms of law allow them to get pretty darn close. Like marking the driveway close.

 

Now of course this part is hard. Of course neighbors and people are going to assume me. Well thems the breaks kiddo. You take a bullet sometimes for your kids. Now though kicks in the child’s anger and the “ive said I’m sorry god!!! I’m never gonna do it again!!,!” He’s being snotty and just acting angry and even said to my wife “I’ll show you guys respect when you respect me” of course this act blew the hinges of myself and my wife. And everyone’s anger and hurt at this point is of course festering and growing. And then it happened.......

 

My wife basically says She’s been trying so hard. She is just so mad. He scares her she doesn’t feel safe being a woman around him. His curiosity has made her feel uneasy and his attitude has basically broke her. She says she needs a break. A couple of weeks. She loves me but she can’t be around him right now.

Leaves to stay with her family ........

 

Now this is prior to Xmas. She says she plans to come back. We are fine. Love isn’t the issue. It’s him.

But over the course of being there. The thought of being here with us I guess has become too dreadful. She just can’t bring herself to come back. We talk. Very little. But it hurts. It went from. I need a moment to “ I don’t know what’s going to happen” I’ve suggested everything from our own counseling to support groups to all sorts of things. But the answer is always “I don’t know. I’m just trying to focus on what I have to live right now”.

 

She is hurt. She feels betrayed. She feels that he has forced her out of her home. Made everything painful for her. But now feels that she doesn’t even know if we can be together or not. But the contact seems to get less and less and the feeling she has no emotion towards me but resentment and anger is tearing me apart

 

On top of this , I’m in the process of having some surgeries for medical issues and am unable to travel around much. I don’t have much family. 2 older aunts in their 70.s god love them doing everything they can to check on me but that isn’t fair. They are 70! My son and I should be doing for THEM!,Plus being in disability has really put a financial woe on my life. Topped with court costs, therapy for my son since insurance won’t cover it and the court won’t cover it unless he takes a plea that will leave him a sex offender conviction (there is another word for it with Juvi Adjucated(so?) but that will be in his record. I just want him to get help.

But my parents are past. No brothers sisters no cousins for my son or other family members.

 

My sons mothers family is obviously destroyed as well.they NeEED and have to be there for the victim and they all feel betrayed by him. Fact is. Really the family is so hurt they don’t want to talk to him. My wife’s family or the mothers or step fathers family. Really he and me have been cut off

 

I tried to talk to 2 friends about it all. But they give the whole “damn that sucks but ummm I feel for ya but ummm I can really have me or my family associated with that kinda stuff The social stigma know what I mean?..”

 

I get it I really do. Everyone has just cut us out and I don’t know if it’s forever or just for a while. I feel so lost of hope. So much emotion. I’m scared. Humiliated embarrassed ashamed torn apart I’m so angry. Angry at him for doing it. Angry at her for leaving. Angry at the courts for wanting to punish him like an adult. Angry at the other household for just walking away from him/us and angry at myself. That old chestnut! The what if I had done this. I should have seen this done that etc. kickin my own butt.

 

 

So here I sit. Finally months are being alone suffering here finally reaching out. I guess I am just asking for a friend and some support because at this point I don’t have any. I am really pressing forward. I’ve always prided myself on being an honorable man a good father a good husband I don’t drink I don’t do drugs and I’ve always been faithful I try to do little things like I’ve always open the door for my wife set out her coffee cup in the morning and always put her robe at the foot of the bed when I wake up in the morning I’ve always tried to be the best husband and father I can be. But with no support my legs are starting to give and I can’t cry anymore.

Thanks to all who took the time to read.

[Ronni_W]

TreadedSole,

 

I'm sorry for all that you and your family are going through.

 

I didn't get through your entire post. From what I did get, through 'skimming', though,

(and, if you possibly can, please do forgive my lack of understanding and compassion, which are because of my own laziness to read that entire post),

 

Does it feel that the first consideration needs to be about moving your physical location? No matter how inconvenient and difficult that will turn out to be?

Reason I'm asking is that, IMO, physical relocation (as first step for healing) is going to be easier, no matter how difficult that is going to be,

than dealing with and healing all of the emotions of all of the people involved. (Which needs to happen, of course, but not necessarily as first step.)

 

Do you and your son's mother, or any family on your or her side, have the 'best interests of all' in enough of heart and mind, to be able to have a discussion about this?

Or, failing that, what are YOU, on your own, seeing as potentials for improving things? What are the professional advising?

 

Sending support, and comfort, and healing.

[preraph]

I'm so sorry. You have a real problem on your hands.

 

My best advice about the neighbors is for you yourself to circulate a flier with your son's photo on it stating what he did so they know it's not you. After all, he wasn't very old. I know it's more serious than "playing doctor," but a lot of people will write it off as something like that and not judge you so harshly.

 

His hormones kicked in. He'll need strict boundaries and strict supervision. You'll need to consult with a psychiatrist and have him assessed to see if there is a chance he'll outgrow this or not. I don't know much about ADHD specifically to say. You say he's in therapy. Just be sure they know ADHD well. There are centers for that. I used to work across from one, but it was younger kids, looked like.

 

But the important thing is that you start at rock bottom and make him adhere to ethics and rules and find out does he understand right from wrong? Make sure he knows that you never touch a girl without her permission. Give him strict rules. Write them down. Make it clear that he messes up again, knowing the rules, he will lose every privilege he now has and have to earn them back one by one.

 

I will tell you a personal experience I had. I was young, and it was before anyone talked about ADHD, but my doctor, who was my neighbor when I was born, had several children, one of whom was my little girlfriend, so I visited at their house from time to time. She had three brothers. One was already a teen when we were still children. The doctor, father, kept him in a converted garage, far, far away from the other kids because he was unpredictable and had anger problems and special needs and could be violent. I rarely laid eyes on him, but once in awhile he'd come out. Me and his sister were probably 10 years old or thereabouts. We were just sitting up against the wall in the living room and he came out and just took his sister's arm and broke it over his knee, the way you'd snap a twig.

 

He wasn't the only brother in the house who had problems, but I would bet that the other problems in the house derived from him since he was the oldest and no telling what else he had done. Even my little friend betrayed me one time playing a "game" where she had me get in a closet like to hide, and her other younger brothers were already in there, and they both stuck their hands up to my crotch. I was really mad at her for betraying me, but it just goes to show what passed for normal in their household.

 

I don't know what became of any of them. Maybe a drug came along that helped the oldest one with the biggest problems. Maybe the younger ones understood at some point what they were doing wasn't normal. Don't know. But that is the havoc one messed up person can breed in a household. Thank goodness you are able to keep him there and don't have younger sisters.

 

I think the neighbors have a right to know the situation. And you shouldn't take the rap for him. Not fair. He needs to know there are consequences and if being shunned by some of the neighbors is one, that's the breaks.

 

But keep him in with a psychiatrist and try some meds. It won't make him stop doing this, but it might just keep him calmer and less motivated.

 

Your girlfriend just doesn't feel comfortable around him and she's likely thinking about her older daughters as well -- and future grandbabies. I know you are in a real pickle here with your health and everything. I don't know your financial capabilities. I don't know if there is a care center for ADHD teens or not. I think there's someone on here who will know, though, and chime in. If you can afford it, you should get him enrolled somewhere like that to give yourself a break because he will take so much supervision. And they can help teach him what's right and wrong. You should let them know what happened though. I imagine they've seen it all before. But they might have some rule that excludes him.

 

One other comment on a similar subject. I had a cousin who chased me around the room with his penis out when he was about seven and me just a couple years older. His parents were very strict, so it was hard to fathom where he got that idea. Overexcited at having company, I expect. He later went from being, well, precocious and overexcited, to being more withdrawn and shy. But anyway, he aspired to be a Marine and was quite old when he finally qualified, and that went a ways to bringing him out of his shell. He and I keep in touch regularly. I like him much better than the other male cousin who held a loaded rifle on me while me and his sister hid under the bed to get away from him. He later became a con artist minister.

 

Let the dust settle. I think what your girlfriend is going to be watching for is to see if this situation gets to be a full-time job of supervision or if it improves, whether there's any more incidents, whether his behavior gets better or worse.

[Mr. Lucky]

But with no support my legs are starting to give and I can’t cry anymore. Thanks to all who took the time to read.

 

Boy, this is one of those situations where online comment really doesn't seem to suffice. My friend, I feel for you.

 

I'm afraid your wife seems to be a coward. Your son, part of her family, is 13, and as a child he needs everyone's help, as does the victim. For her to cut and run, abandoning not just him but you too, is in my mind unforgivable.

 

I trust you're receiving expert advice through therapy and find in that the strength to persevere. Keep posting, I'm afraid I don't have any great advice, but I am listening and hoping for the best for you and your son...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TreadedSole47]

Thanks for the replies so far! Actually just talking helps. I and him both are regulars on the “professional help” circuit at the moment and relocation is out of the question due to the courts. (Same thing would happen with the neighbors any where I go. It be a nightmare to be the “new guy” and have to either choose to announce my arrival such as the flier suggestion earlier or wait for the police to show up once I move. They’d figure it. Secondly. I don’t see how a flier would work. Sure for adults some would understand. But other children at least some. Would not. I honestly believe there would be a small chance of harm to him if I posted his picture like that. Kids can be cruel. There social structure is not at all quite like ours. He has not been “wild child” as in doing anything like this in the past. Both children did admit it was once so for us as parents it went from manageable to a completely uncontrolled action basically 15mph to 100mph in a flash.

 

We are doing everything professionally as far as help as we can do. Both social and psychosexual therapists have written letters of accommodations to the judge in to the prosecuting attorney that he is not a deviant child. But we do have strict rules and strict consequences in the house. Daily chores and boundaries. Online school. But they are right that the lies and the hiding his feelings sometimes will not stop overnight. I am dedicated 150% to teaching and guiding him on how to be a man with morales and value will make you richer in family and love then any gold tooth rapper spouting mumble fantasy would ever grant.

 

But I feel like those morals and values at the moment aren’t worth much. Not being able to turn to some friends and support group really tests the strength of my own values. Thinking to myself I’m teaching my son feeling this way and acting this way will bring joy to yourself and others and bring happiness All the while choking back tears and thinking “Well where is all the love and help I’ve dished out over the years? Where is some of that fortune when I need to cash a check? I probably sound like I am whining and that’s not me. I know I will get through. I know he will become a good man. I will be there every step of the way. I just feel like either I’ve had to sacrifice every happiness I’ve held dear and everyone I’ve loved like family because my family is super small. It feels as though I have to make a “paid in full no refund” commitment for my son to have a future. And I’m willing to do it. But that companionship. Of even just a friend. Makes even the warmest thoughts drafty with a brisk chill to them.

 

I wish I could think of others as cowards or really be so mad to get motivated to succeed past them. But the fact is I can’t. I mean these events create actual PTSD in family members. It’s deep water. And black. Everyone handles hurt and broken trust a little different. And the whirlwind with the #Metoo (which I whole heartily support FYI) does also create some sociology standards. Heck I don’t know how I would feel emotionally if I was in another’s shoes. I just got mine on. But my wife. The other family members. They have their shoes. They gotta walk in them.

 

I hope to find some people that can understand that isolation. Looking forward to keep talking.

[Ronni_W]

But I feel like those morals and values at the moment aren’t worth much.

Yeah...I totally get that.

 

I don't really have anything to offer...other than I'd totally give you and your son fifty-million hugs in real life. (Consider them as sent, with the Cyber Angels. .)

 

Not sure if any of the articles on this page will help, or perhaps any of the others that fall under any of the other categories.

 

Keep posting here for support...there are many others much more qualified than I am, to help you through it.

 

Sending Light and Love, and Healing, Comfort and Support.

[TreadedSole47]

Thank you Ronni I most certainly will! A hug is something I have not shared with anyone (well other than the kiddo) in a long time thank you for that.

[preraph]

Just remember that his hormones are just now kicking in and that alone changes behavior in EVERY child transitioning to a teenager -- and rarely in an easy way!

 

Only you and his ADHD experts know if he understands right from wrong. So if you believe up to now, he has totally grasped right from wrong and knows when he does something wrong and refrains from doing much wrong, then I think it is a good chance you can teach him that touching anyone without permission is WRONG and trying to make him understand that while it's fine to be curious, you are there to talk to him if he has questions, or his therapist, but it is never okay to touch someone without having a relationship with them and their permission.

 

On the other hand, if he has a history of acting like he doesn't know the meaning of right and wrong, it is a much bigger problem. If he has hit people and that sort of thing and just doesn't get it, it's a bigger problem about to bloom.

 

I'm more worried about your own health at the moment. I hope your relatives are able to help. Maybe your ex will come through as well, unexpectedly. You never know. My mom vowed to my dad at divorce that if he needed help when old, she'd help, and she did try to.

[mark clemson]

This is just my personal opinion FWIW:

 

It sounds like one thing you could really use is some new friends/a new social group that are not aware of (and would be unlikely to be impacted by) your son's issues. Not sure if you need to be with him all/most of the time - possibly you do?

 

IF you live in a large urban/suburban area, I'd suggest looking for a new social group for example via a club, meetup, church, or interest group. If it's something your son could also participate in, e.g. a gaming group or similar, that might be a further bonus. Many of these things are free or very low cost and might help you at least feel better and more connected as you continue working through your situation.

 

Hope this is helpful. It sounds like a very challenging situation and I hope you are able to work though it ok.

[Blind-Sided]

I really feel for you, and I know that my opinions really don't matter in the overall solution, but as you mentioned, just getting it off your chest to like mined strangers is helpful to some point. (That's what brought me here)

 

 

Some random thoughts:

 

 

a) I don't think I would label anyone as a coward at this point. To me, that's a very strong. (A permanent and deep thing) Just like the love you have for your kid, and wanting to protect... your second wife feels the same way for herself.

 

 

b) I know you gave a good outline of what happened... but since we aren't there... it's hard to really put a feel on all the small things that would make us good judges.

 

 

c) how did it go from a family problem to a official problem. (with the police?)

 

 

d) While I agree that no one should have to deal with any unwanted sexual advances... I really hate the "Metoo" movement. I get the feeling that people are coming out of the woodwork because it's the fashionable thing to do. I know that sounds harsh... but it's the way I see it. I can see the guys with the priests... that's an ego thing. but some of the political figures feels just like that... "Political".

 

 

e) I understand the reason behind the websites with the sexual predators (I have young kids, and would want to know) I think that it's too "Black and white" in how it's used. You are one of the cases where it should not be allowed. (I feel for you on this one)

 

 

 

 

ok... lets start with "B". I personally don't try to sweep behaviors under the carpet with a saying like... "Boys will be boys"... but the truth is... boys will be boys. I know when I was a kid... it was common to only be 8 or 9 years old, and be left at home. And... I know that the "Playing doctor" or "Spin the bottle" thing happens. But in that case... it was young friends that were just curious. (nothing other than mutual looking, or touching) In no way do I condone that as an adult... but I know it happens. It's just like the kid who sneaks a drink from the liquor cabinet. It doesn't automatically make him/her a criminal, or an alcoholic.

 

 

After reading what you wrote... I don't have a feel for if this was the case... or if it was something a little more. was she ok with it, or was she saying no, or trying to get away? You really don't have to go into details, as I know it could be painful for you.

 

 

The second point of this is his behavior later. Was it a few comments because he was angry? Or is it a constant thing, with real rage behind it? If it was a few simple comments, then your second wife should have helped support the situation. But I get the feeling it was more than that... and if that was the case... then she did what she needed to keep herself safe. It may have been a very hard decision for her too. That come back to point "A". I wouldn't label anyone if they truly felt unsafe in a situation.

 

 

Anyway... I know this is getting long, and what I write doesn't ultimately change anything... but know this site is a good place to vent, and reflect.

Edited February 17, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[TreadedSole47]

Hey guys. Thanks again for the replies,! Helps more than you know! Doing the clubs and social things at the moment can’t really be permitted by law. Under the circumstances of his release , I would offer 24 hour supervision by myself or another family member and not to be around other children.

 

I know someone asked if it was “both” of them or just him. Really it was just him. He had the idea he is the one who touched and I don’t even think she had the option to say no. It just happened. She froze and then told her mom the next day. It was “spin the bottle” type touching. Nothing under clothing or showing body parts.

 

He does not have a history of anything this drastic. He will sneak food in his room. Of course lie. Neglect homework from time to time. Hard to stay focused and always quick to say “it wasn’t me”. But really. Nothing like this in the history of it. Now apparently his mother and even my wife had caught him having his “private time” in nit the most private of places in the house. But certainly not like in the middle of the kitchen or anything like that. Typical wild boy for the most part. And not angry. Was never really angry. I’d say more 14 year old brooding teen. And this situation is embarrassing. Emotionally he is struggling too going from active life with family to shut in with dad.

 

I do certainly need friends. I honesty don’t really have a lot of people. But talking here helps. It’s been my first step really. I hope to keep up and give some updates. Really right now nothing is changing. I am recovering from surgery. Doing home school for him. Therapy sessions multiple times a week and that is our life. Therapy is private. No groups. And I can’t get south and about with him.

 

I don’t blame the metoo movement and don’t hate it. It’s wonderful to really get some down right awful people out of public (R Kelly anyone). But your right. For everything there seems to always be exceptions. I do feel as though it’s a harsh punishment for the family.

 

Did talk to my wife a little yesterday. 5 minutes. I really try not to sound so broken talking to her but it’s hard. I keep asking her to come back and she is starting to feel I am pressuring her and it is stressful for her too. Really just feels like a nuke went kaboom. My heart feels a empty as Chernobyl

 

Thanks for reading again! Hope to keep talking!

[TreadedSole47]

Oh and Blind Side, in my state when a child tells a therapist about an unwanted sexual advance the therapist is required to notify Child Protective Services. Who in turn automatically notify the police.

 

There is a HUGE community action program around my state called something along the line of the Child Advocate Safe Harbori or something close. Well the newly minted DA sat as a VP of that board for 8 years and this is only her 3rd sexual case since becoming DA mid 2018’. (2 1\2 months prior to this being on their desk. So she is definitely dedicated to the job and making a good public impression. I know there is always gonna be the “well let’s make an example out of them” but it just hurts being part of “the example” especially when the arresting detective declares they protested the whole darn thing.

 

I think mainly for me I feel like all my trust in people. (Wife extended family even the court system is just completely broken. But I am glad to be talking with some that can understand a little and not judge too much and allow a dedicated father on some wobbly legs of faith and values to help keep on keepin on. Thanks again guys!

Edited February 19, 2019 by TreadedSole47
Typing slow

[Turning point]

I'm going to suggest a different perspective for you.

 

There's an awful lot of detail in your story that clouds the bigger issue. You also have two different things tangled up together and they need to be separated.

 

First is the issue of this incident with your son. I assume it was the therapists who were required by law to report this incident? This is largely out of your hands and what you need is a legal advocate or lawyer working on behalf of your son. Has he been officially diagnosed ADHD? Get professional support.

 

If you get professional support in place then I think much of your extended family will begin to soften up. Right now with you flying solo this remains far to volatile and it's not hard to understand people stepping away. You may be his dad, but right now he needs more than you're qualified to provide.

 

Second is the issue with your wife (step mother), and again if you are trying to fly solo on the treatment of your son, this exposes her to serious legal risk and the distance is warranted.

 

In addition, looking past the details there is the broader view in which right now, you appear to be a man in a downward spiral. Disability, financial woes, health problems, safety and legal issues regarding your son, are all very overwhelming and I believe you owe your wife the space to be very frightened and unnerved by all of this.

 

I do not think people are abandoning you, or even your son. I suspect your own capacity and assumption of the caretaker role however, is the cause for their alarm and new boundaries. Sometimes when we're drowning our own flailing about makes it impossible for the lifeguards to help us. I believe your wife still loves you and there is just a whole lot of splashing about that is getting in the way.

 

Take care of your health, get your son a legal advocate (there are agencies that can help with this,) and take it one stroke at a time as you swim out of this rip tide you are currently caught up in.

Edited February 19, 2019 by Turning point

[vla1120]

I'm sorry this has torn apart your family. Just keep doing what you are doing, getting help for your son and letting him know your love is unconditional. It's going to be a hard road for the two of you. You'll need to be able to talk to a professional, too. I hope you are in on his therapy sessions, as well.

 

I am interested in why your wife feels threatened by him. Did she feel threatened by him before? What was their relationship before this happened? Have you asked her to attend these therapy sessions with you? What about her grown children? Do/did they have a relationship with your son? Can you enlist their help and support (especially if one or more of them are males and would be good role models for your son.)

 

Also, does your son take responsibility for his actions? You did say he said he would never do it again, I just wonder (for his sake) if that is because he truly understands what he did wrong, or just regrets that he got caught. I only say that because it will make a difference in his recovery from this event. It will be better for him if he owns his mistake and tries to make amends than if he moves forward with resentment and a chip on his shoulder.

 

Best of luck. In closing, it might had made a difference in my life if my cousin had taken responsibility for what he did to me and apologized to me with sincerity. Instead, I was blamed for wearing a nightgown in his presence. I was 11. He was 14.

[Mr. Lucky]

In addition, looking past the details there is the broader view in which right now, you appear to be a man in a downward spiral. Disability, financial woes, health problems, safety and legal issues regarding your son, are all very overwhelming and I believe you owe your wife the space to be very frightened and unnerved by all of this.

 

As stated, I disagree. These kinds of conceptual discussions (her space? unnerved?) are exactly what you don't have time for when it all hits the fan. This child, her stepson, needs her love, help and support at a very difficult and life-changing moment, not a view of her heels as she heads out the door.

 

He's a kid, he screwed up and needs a way forward from here. Running away isn't the answer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Turning point]

As stated, I disagree. These kinds of conceptual discussions (her space? unnerved?) are exactly what you don't have time for when it all hits the fan. This child, her stepson, needs her love, help and support at a very difficult and life-changing moment, not a view of her heels as she heads out the door.

 

He's a kid, he screwed up and needs a way forward from here. Running away isn't the answer...

 

You're describing a "rescue" operation and the full extent of the disaster area is an unknown. Despite the urgency of the child's situation the central character of the story remained the father so, there's room for caution about how we view the step mom.

[Mr. Lucky]

You're describing a "rescue" operation

 

Actually, I'm describing parenting, which includes step-parenting.

 

It's easy when you child is winning the science fair, scoring the deciding goal and is student of the month. Well, here's the other side, as the OP is finding out. And as part of that, he'll also come to understand who's there for him and his son - and who isn't.

 

TreadedSole47, stay strong. Tough process to navigate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chaparral]

Where is his real mom in all this? Was he physically restraining his step sister?

 

Both his mother and his step mother caught him masturbating in an inappropriate place? Did they tell you?

 

What has his real mother done to help?

[Turning point]

Actually, I'm describing parenting, which includes step-parenting.

 

I think some parts of the story are missing, and the character of the father's advocacy itself may have something to due with the distancing of others.

 

The boy was detained for FIVE days, and only after a third party notified authorities. Something is missing.

[TreadedSole47]

Hey guys. Trying to give a quick update.

 

His step mother has been in his life since he was 4. Being caught masterbating a couple a times in life yes. I’m pretty sure during my life I was caught by a parent a time or two I really cannot remember.

 

His mother has been present through everything in his life. His mother and I were never married and by the time he was 8 months old were co parenting rather nicely. Never had court involved. Child support was never set up we just split the time and all expenses. And we never really argued. So his mothers side of the family has always been there. His step father has been involved in his life since he was 2. And his step father and I were friends even before I met mom.

 

To be completely honest to answer someone above. I am not sure by what you would define restraining. I’m pretty sure the groping happened in a quick enough instantce where the mind of a young sister would even have enough processing power to say NO or squirm away prior roni5 stopping. It was a matter of seconds and it was over. But it’s the act itself for us.

 

Authorities got involved because its the law that a therapist notify Child Protective Services. And the nature of the charge itself “sexual abuse of a child under the age of 13” swings a serious hammer. Regardless of details of the situation

 

And the incident took place at his mothers residence. So now “legally” I guess to put it he is solely in my custody. There is a child advocate that works with us. There has been plenty of “professional” services that are offered and taken advantage of believe you me

[TreadedSole47]

So at this time..... the mother is of course being there for her daughter. As she should be. It’s hard when the children are both your own. Her situation is heartbreaking as well.

 

Of and as to the arrest and 5 days. It was over thanksgiving. He was arrested the day before. And the judge was not appearing until Tuesday.

 

As to my wife. My wife is much older. Raised two children and not had the easiest life. She has had some things happen in her life and childhood that has left scares. Being a strong woman. Raising 2 kids on her own and struggling for years left her no time to really deal with the emotional pain of past things that have happened to her. (Many years before women could speak out freely) for years that pain had to be shoved down in order to find the strength to be there for others. It was her way of coping. And it’s how she got through it all. It made her the person she is who is loved by not only me. But a plethora of family. But the shock and aftermath of this. It really shook a lot of those repressed anger feelings to the surface. And I guess being an adult you would think if I did this I’d be rotting with guilt. But my son being 14 would still have an attitude a lot. And just being disrespectful. My wife was really trying to hold herself but it just came to the surface and whenever she would hear my sons voice. Look at him. Those hurt and anger feelings not only from now. But from the past have overwhelmied her to the point that it almost physically makes her ill. The stress of all of this. Plus those deep rooted scars being ripped open. It is so heartbreaking to know that this situation broke the flood gates open that have been there for 35+ years. But I can’t fix her feelings. I just want to be there for her too. But I can’t and it really hurts. That part of all of it it was makes me feel weak a lot of the time. My heart and rock of “we walk through this path of life hand and hand and lean on each other” is gone. And I feel so guilty because I’ve sworn and dedicated my life to making her smile. And I just feel so responsible for making her cry and feel more pain than she has in her life.

 

That really is the whole story. If there are other questions I am willing to answer. Glad to keep talking. Thanks guys,

[vla1120]

Given the fact that this incident has opened wounds for your wife, she should be in therapy too. I know from personal experience that no matter how far down you push the past, it can come bubbling to the surface at any time, and something like this would definitely bring it to the surface. For me, it was finding out my abuser was working in a church preschool. When I found out, my legs literally gave out from under me and I could not function normally for a few days.

 

Can you go to family therapy? With the support of therapy (with reunification being the goal), can she perhaps slowly work her way back to you and your son?