Therapy question

[jaimepn]

I started therapy 2 weeks ago.

 

I think have good self-esteem. I know I am capable and I can rely on myself.

However, I'm a 5'5 male. I'm short.

Whenever I am going to meet people, I can't help and be anxious because "I know" they are going to be disappointed with my height, and we all know how important first impressions really are.

That's also why, even though I have a good sense of worth, I don't approach women in an attempt to save myself pain. I tried that in the past and goddamit, some women know how to be proper cruel. That's all I can say.

 

I want to improve as a person and change this pattern of thoughts because this is limiting. This is why I started therapy. Also, I've chosen a female therapist to have a females perspective on the matter.

 

However, during our last session, she said something that astonished me.

She said, "height" is a male obsession that women don't see as important (pretty much like the penis size).

I am not sure if she's saying plain lies to make me feel better bc there's nothing else she could say, or if she's soo naive that she doesn't know how women view short men.

And I don't know which the above would be worse on a therapy.

 

This is why, bc of just this one comment, I am considering giving up.

 

What are your thoughts on this?

[grays]

You mean giving up on therapy? I don’t think her statement should lead you to giving up on therapy.

 

As for it’s validity, I think there’s at least some truth to what she’s saying. There are women who think height is important, but a lot of us don’t care at all and some women like short men. And 5’5” isn’t that short. You’d still tower over me.

[jaimepn]

You mean giving up on therapy?

 

Sorry, didn't mean to give up on therapy. But rather give up on THIS therapist (and look for another one).

[chryssy83]

I think it’s telling that you assume that what she told you was a lie designed to manipulate you etc. I think it’s actually true.

 

As a guy who is 5’5” you are probably going to be more successful dating a woman who is also shorter, but there are lots of them! I don’t think that women care about how tall a guy is so much as about how he makes them feel. I’ve seen plenty of couples where the woman is taller. But even if we assume you’ll only date women who are shorter than you are it’s not like you don’t have any options.

 

You say you have good self esteem but I really wonder about that. If you are having trouble with getting women I’m betting it’s 80 percent a confidence/personality issue and not about your height.

[The Dude Abides]

Hello Jaime

 

I think if you otherwise have a good rapport with your therapist then you should continue to see her. If she is a true professional then she wouldn't just be telling you what she thinks you want to hear. I also don't think it would be a bad idea to talk to her about this, in a courteous way of course, and let her know that you are still filled with doubt. Be honest with her about your thoughts and concerns. I bet it won't be the first time she has had a patient tell her that they don't believe what she is saying. That can be part of the give-and-take as you discuss things with her.

 

She won't know about your continued doubts unless you bring it up.

 

 

And you can and should accept the fact that women have the right (just as do men) to have "a type" that they are attracted to. For some women, as has already been stated, like tall men.And that is ok because this is what appeals to them. Some women don't care either way. Some women like shorter or smaller guys.

 

The only thing that is not acceptable is a woman who belittles you or otherwise demeans you over something you can't change. Let those women go and good riddance.

[Ronni_W]

[My female therapist] said, "height" is a male obsession that women don't see as important (pretty much like the penis size).

She's probably more right than wrong, that 'most' women do not place as much focus, attention and priority on men's height (or penis size), as men do themselves.

 

Before you switch to another therapist, bring it up in session that her comment made you feel confused/uncomfortable/whatever, and see how she goes about dealing with that.

(You bringing it up will also be a good learning experience for you.)

 

I think have good self-esteem. <snip>, even though I have a good sense of worth,

So...your true sense of worth and self-esteem, in order to be permanent and not subject to the winds of change, really ought to be based only on your inner qualities, gifts and talents,

and on those learned skills that you have control over, and that don't depend on any external circumstances, appearances or forces.

 

From your post, you are actually allowing your height to affect your sense of worth and your self-esteem, so that might be something that you would want to consider.

[jaimepn]

Appreciate your comments.

 

I am just starting with this therapist so I don't have any affinity yet. I'll raise this in the next session.

 

The height issue is not something irrational, I'm not saying it's healthy or trying to make excuses, but definitely not irrational. I have my share of negative experiences and also there are lots of social studies that demonstrate life is more challenging for shorter dudes. How it's more difficult for them to find love, more difficult for them to find a good job, etc.

Due to my short stature, I have to fight harder to eg, get decent jobs. I felt that! So I ended up studing a lot in my area so I can be differential in the workplace. And that is a good thing in a way, I have a lots of self-discipline and find it easier to achieve personal goals.

 

As I mentioned, some women can be mean, I need to let go and don't give a sh#t. That is easier said than done. When someone criticizes my height that affects me a lot more that when they criticize anything else about me. I know that.

I am aware that embracing these "less attractive" traits and becoming more confident in regards to my appearance is important to me. This is why I need therapy right now.

 

I just don't need anyone to tell me my negative experiences are not height related, and that all studies about short stature males are a lie.

[FMW]

I think she's probably somewhat accurate as far as mature women go. But if you are looking to date women in their 20s you'll probably run into more bias related to height.

 

If I was constructing my perfect guy he would be tall (because I am 5'8" and would prefer to have someone taller than me), but in reality two of the three men I've been really interested in in the past few years have been an inch or so shorter than me.

[Olivia_daviss]

If its really that bad for your confidence then maybe try platform shoes but I would say height isn't a problem also if you are interesting or ripped you will be attractive what you are is fine if a girl doesn't like you because your short you shouldn't be dating her anyway

[Ronni_W]

I just don't need anyone to tell me my negative experiences are not height related, and that all studies about short stature males are a lie.

I don't think that's necessarily what your therapist was trying to tell you -- you'll sort it out with her during next session.

 

For women, the negative bias is more against body shape/size/weight; for both genders, physical-facial appearance/attractiveness.

That is, people who don't fit the advertising industry's standard of what is 'good and acceptable' all find themselves on the wrong side of such biases.

 

Your negative experiences related to your height are real, but, like all other negative biases based on physical appearance/stature and other superficial traits, actually arise from people's ignorance or

having allowed themselves (their minds) to be herded like sheep as to what is truly attractive about people. We're going to have ignorant, superficial people on this planet for the foreseeable future;

it's just for the rest of us to not let them get us down...though, I know from personal experience, easier said than done.

 

Wishing you the best. .

[preraph]

It's important to some women and not others. Just like baldness is repugnant to some women and not others, though most women wouldn't up and leave a man who went bald on them. Penis size is mostly not as important, but some women who mainly get off that way find it important, but mostly not if you are doing all the other stuff and they're getting off.

 

Shortness is a catch 22 in that many men have eroded confidence because of it, and confidence is ironically the one thing that can make a woman overlook the shortness. It is true most women likely prefer tall guys, but that doesn't mean they reject short ones if they are otherwise attractive to them and have confidence and especially have a fun personality.

 

I've said this many times on here but it bears repeating: The most sought after guy in my old big social circle of music people was a shorter guy. Now, he did, as the era demanded, wear some one and a half of two inch clunky heels, I'm sure, to bring him up a bit. He was a good dresser (rock dress), and he has an undeniably beautiful face. His type were very tall willowy brunettes, and he had many women after him. He was kind of the leader of the pack, organizing parties and band gigs. He was a great personality, fun to be around.

 

So it's the whole package. So my advice, be the best you can be. Maybe get you a pair of boots with big block heel. Having some hair height doesn't hurt, of course. Consult a salon on that. Be your best self. Stay tuned in to news and popular culture, be informed so you can always carry on a conversation. If you have a fun personality, that's your best asset. This guy had a lot of friends, male and female. Not everyone is blessed with a vibrant personality, so just be the best you can be. Get involved in active interests where you might meet people, active hobbies, volunteering somewhere, just get out amongst people you'll see more than once due to the nature of the activity. Good luck.

[losangelena]

I’m not sure she meant that you haven't had negative experiences based on your height, but saying that the root of your bad experiences are not necessarily because women have a problem with short men.

 

It’s like weight for a woman, I’d gather. A lot of women think being fat is the ABSOLUTE worst thing they could be, partly because they’ve been socialized to believe that men won’t find them attractive. Well, in my experience, there is a not insignificant portion of the male population that are a lot more laid back about it than women are led to believe.

 

The work you need to do to get over your insecurity around it is internal. And totally doable, but the way. Also, if she said something that bothers you, I’d recommend speaking up. Her word is not authority, and a good therapist/patient relationship will allow for you to express a difference of opinion. If you think what she said was bs, call her on it, see how she reacts. Very early on in my relationship with my former therapist, he forgot about our session. We ended up having quite a good yet difficult conversation about expectations that made our relationship better.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have my share of negative experiences and also there are lots of social studies that demonstrate life is more challenging for shorter dudes. How it's more difficult for them to find love, more difficult for them to find a good job, etc.

 

You seem to feel height is the only disadvantage one can have. Life and business success can also be "more challenging" for some ethnic groups, those from impoverished backgrounds, LGBTQ community members and women in some fields. Or basically anyone without Dwayne Johnson's body and George Clooney's smile.

 

I hope you stick with therapy. I'd guess your preoccupation can be fairly easily addressed...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LuckyM]

I am a short man and this has haunted me. In online dating and elsewhere, I have NEVER known a woman of any age who preferred short men. Not even short women. Maybe they are out there. in Mexico or France or Asia where men are shorter.

 

Well, try a Chinese or Mexican girl? I wish I had done that years ago, seriously.

 

As others said, some women don't care if you are short and most do care.

You heard the old saying "tall, dark and handsome".

 

The myth is that taller men are more manly...because of height alone. Movie stars and athletes are usually NOT short. Mickey Rooney was a big exception. The myth is nonsense and shallow thinking.

[grays]

And Tom Cruise.

 

For years I really liked shorter guys, under around 5’6”, 5’5” would have been fine with me. I ended up marrying a man who was 6’1” and always worried that he wasn’t my type. After we broke up I totally fell for a guy who was 5’3”. He wasn’t interested, partly because he had other women chasing him around.

 

I’ve also dated men who were very tall, even one who was 6’8”. If it makes you feel any better, a perfectly normal sized penis looks miniature on a guy that big! lol Being with a tall guy is only exciting until you get to know them a bit and start relating to them as a real person. And I’ve dated several short guys who were exciting because of some physical attribute.

[LastStraw]

I am not sure if she's saying plain lies to make me feel better bc there's nothing else she could say, or if she's soo naive that she doesn't know how women view short men.

And I don't know which the above would be worse on a therapy.

 

This is why, bc of just this one comment, I am considering giving up.

 

What are your thoughts on this?

 

Neither of the two. She's telling you what she's supposed to tell you (they have plug and play statements... JMO but most of the conventional therapy is a bit of a hype).

 

Unfiltered opinion: height does matter to most but not all women. I know for myself I just like the look of a tall man, just like most man like the look of a slim woman with shapely body. So your options will be limited but not null.

 

You can do few things to help:

1) improve your posture (giving you visually an inch or two more)

2) gain muscle in your upper body (again guiding the eye away from the lack of height, just like an overweight woman with hourglass shape will get positive attention, a shorter guy with good build will too)

3) get over it. Accept many women won't like you and it really doesn't matter if you can find a good match from the ones that do.

[Mr. Lucky]

As others said, some women don't care if you are short and most do care.

You heard the old saying "tall, dark and handsome".

 

So are the "tall, light-skinned and plain-looking" guys in the waiting room with you, queued up for the next therapy appointment?

 

Your fixation with height isn't the problem, it's the symptom. As I said before, a good therapist could really help you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I tried that in the past and goddamit, some women know how to be proper cruel. That's all I can say.

 

However, during our last session, she said something that astonished me.

She said, "height" is a male obsession that women don't see as important (pretty much like the penis size).

I am not sure if she's saying plain lies to make me feel better bc there's nothing else she could say, or if she's soo naive that she doesn't know how women view short men.

 

I’m not going to tell you that your past experiences are not valid. But, I’m going to give you the perspective that some people can be very cruel, about any number of things. Consider the child who is different and wears glasses. Or, the woman who is overweight and dating. Or the person who has had surgery and has scarring. People can be cruel sometimes, but if you base your self worth on the people who do not matter, it is a sure way to be unhappy.

 

To the right woman, your height will not matter. Your therapist was not telling you plain lies to make you feel better. She was giving you the word. Whether you chose to accept that or not, is entirely your decision.

[spiderowl]

I think it's probably all relative. Someone of my height, for example (5'1") would see you as taller than me.

 

I met a guy who was maybe very slightly taller than me. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. He was a lovely guy, kind, fun, and we became lovers. We were not compatible in some ways, but physically we were amazingly compatible and he was the best lover I've known.

 

Unfortunately, we are not together now because he had to travel across the world for his work, but I really miss the lovemaking and I know he does too. We have stayed in touch.

 

Don't let fears about your height put you off. It is how you make a woman feel that matters, when you are with her or away from her. It's not just about sex but fun, laughter, kindness and support. You can offer a woman a lot more than you might think.