Blooperflooper Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 (edited) Quick disclaimer: The post is going to be long. Please be aware that this was my first relationship and I've made lots of mistakes before and after the breakup, and I do feel remorse and want to change. Met my GF 3 years ago when I was 19 (she was 21). We were best friends for a year and then became a couple. I had to live with her and her family for the last year of our relationship. (family issues I had to get away from.) I'm very thankful they took me in. But sharing a small room with her took a toll on both of us. The last months were bad, I started developing emotional issues because of the stress and she was barely at home. She started hanging out with another guy all the time. I told her that I was starting to get really jealous and pissed, she understood and said she'd be jealous too. But didn't change her behavior. I asked her if she liked him, she said she only hung out with him to be out of the apartment. I decided to start studying out of town, so that I could move away and give her and me some space. Last weeks before I moved were great, we had good chemistry again and it felt like old times. She dumped me a week after I moved. I asked her if we could try fixing things. I said I'd seek help to control my mood swings. (meeting specialist in a week, so I kept my promise.) She agreed we could try so I moved back home (in with my dad). She changed her mind several times after that. Eventually she said that she wanted to be single for a while. I spammed her a lot during this time, which I regret. I didn't have many friends before I met her and now I don't really have anyone to talk to so It's been extra hard for me to keep myself in check. We broke up again but " temporarily" this time. She said she needed time to think. We tried just hanging out casually, it was torture for me. So we agreed to give each other space and not talk for a month or so. After messing up and sending her a few text messages I eventually just left her alone. Started working on myself, and started to put the relationship to the side and heal. We both spend our days at a social workplace (called fountain house) for people with mental health issues and for people who are unemployed. We greeted each other but nothing more. Until she broke the no contact rule and sat down and had a cup of coffee with me. We talked for an hour, it felt great. She complemented me on my clothes and things like that and she was a little flirty at times. The conversation flowed naturally. The next day on valentines day, I bought some cookies so we'd have something to snack on if she wanted to talk again. (I'm that stupid yes.) She was cold with me, didn't want to talk and instead sat with the guy she's been hanging out with that I was jealous of. I went home, pissed and confused. And felt the heartbreak all over again. I did what you shouldn't do wrote her many long messages, telling her that if it feels so good to be single than there's no reason to have me as a friend. I asked why she kept acting hot and cold with me (she's been doing it since I moved back home) and asked her if she likes the attention and told her it was up to her to contact me later if she wanted to fix things. I said I was sick of her putting other people before me all the time and not appreciating my good qualities. I told her that I'm on the brink of punching the guy she keeps seeing in the face, friend or not. She didn't answer. I later calmed down, apologized to her for snapping. I said that I'm trying to change and get better but that I'm going mad because she's giving me mixed signals all the time and that I can't handle that. I told her that she'll have to figure out her own feelings before we can begin talking again. I said that I miss her but that I can't handle the uncertainty. I told her that I hope she contacts me again. She blocked me. I've told her to block me before, because at one point after the break up I couldn't stop sending her messages and I hated that I couldn't respect her boundaries. So I'm not sure if she's angry or just trying to help me, maybe both. Either way, I'm not sure what's going to happen. Her decision to break up was really out of the blue. She admitted that we never really had any big fight and that the stress was the reason. And that we might be able to try again when we're both more stable. But that was before I snapped on her the other day. The fountain house is the only place I know where can meet and talk to other people that I like, but she's there. I'm ashamed to show my face around her now and I'm not sure what I should do. I miss my best friend and my GF. Should I just stay away for a couple of weeks? And how should I handle things from now on? Edited February 17, 2019 by Blooperflooper Link to post Share on other sites
Iamyoungjuan Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 It’s best to leave her along and give her some space before you push her away go all the way no contact Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 It sounds to me like she checked out of the relationship quite a while ago, and she's definitely interested in this other guy. Leave her alone for a long time; you need space and time to accept the break-up and begin to heal. Be cordial when you see her in public but don't attempt to engage her on a personal level. Maybe you can be friends again some day, but not for quite a while. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blooperflooper Posted February 20, 2019 Author Share Posted February 20, 2019 Thanks guys. I've done with her now. She says she's still unsure about her feelings. But I'm just gonna move on for my own sanity, If she wants to work it out for real later on she knows where to find me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 Moving is your best option. You tried but this relationship ran it's course for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 ... If she wants to work it out for real later on she knows where to find me. Don't let yourself be strung along as plan b or fallback runt - you owe yourself more than that - move onward and upward! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blooperflooper Posted May 8, 2019 Author Share Posted May 8, 2019 (I hope I'm updating this the right way according to guidelines, if not tell me and I'll change it. Also, I realized I might have posted this to the wrong forum, this should probably in "breakups" but I don't know how to change it.) Well guys, I'm back. The "break" continued until the end of march. She asked if she could borrow me for a minute. After some small talk she told me that she had begun dating the "friend" she began seeing at the end of our relationship. She asked me if I was willing to be friends, I stupidly agreed (was weak, wanted to cling to anything she'd give me.) She talked to me once after that, we had a good time. I felt the connection we had before the relationship went sour. After that nothing. She couldn't even say hi to me and only acknowledged me when her boyfriend wasn't present. It's been a little more than a month and I hadn't heard anything from her so I assumed she lied to me about being friends. Have been working hard on moving on with my life. I ran into her yesterday. I waved and then kept moving. She sprinted up to me and asked if we could talk a bit. After some chatting she mumbled "You're so confusing..." and then immediately said "I don't want to be in a relationship with you but I want to be friends, I want to know how you're doing, I still want you in my life." It sounded to me like she was confused about it, like she didn't understand why she still wanted to keep in touch. That opened up old wounds, and I became emotional. Tried to stay calm but she noticed it. I didn't want to hear about the friendship thing again. I told her that I've tried burying my feelings and that I don't want to talk about those things right now. I told her I didn't know what to think at the moment. She apologized and I told her not to worry about it and that we'd have to talk some other time. I noticed she was upset too and that she felt guilty. But I don't know how to handle the situation.I still care for her deeply and It's hard to cut her out completely because I don't want to hurt her. But I feel betrayed and every time she talks to me I get reminded that I wasn't good enough for her. "Friendship" with me basically means only talking when she feels like it. Her family seems to be really fond with me. Ran into her big brother the other day and he greeted me with a bear hug. I still value them, they are like a second family for me. So I don't want to be an ass about things. Any thoughts? Why is she doing this? What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 Post break up "friendship" is not friendship in the conventional sense of the word where you get together & occasionally talk. It is shorthand for a drama free break up. All it means is that there will not be a scene if you two bump into each other randomly in the future, especially if one of you is out with a date. Moreover since she has this new BF, it would disrespectful of her to him to keep you in her life. EXs have to go, even if the EXs in question are being civil. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blooperflooper Posted May 8, 2019 Author Share Posted May 8, 2019 Post break up "friendship" is not friendship in the conventional sense of the word where you get together & occasionally talk. It is shorthand for a drama free break up. All it means is that there will not be a scene if you two bump into each other randomly in the future, especially if one of you is out with a date. Moreover since she has this new BF, it would disrespectful of her to him to keep you in her life. EXs have to go, even if the EXs in question are being civil. That's what I thought too. That's why I'm confused about her pushing the issue. She wants us to go out for coffee sometimes and keep in touch. I don't know why she'd dump me, not talk to me for over a month only to bring up being friends again out of nowhere. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 She's lying to herself thinking she can balance all this. Nobody can. She has kind intentions& doesn't like being a source of your pain. Let her have her illusion. You live your life without her in it. No hard feelings. Be pleasant if you see her but stop reaching out & be slow to respond if she chases after you. In time you will just fade out of each other's lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blooperflooper Posted May 8, 2019 Author Share Posted May 8, 2019 She's lying to herself thinking she can balance all this. Nobody can. She has kind intentions& doesn't like being a source of your pain. Let her have her illusion. You live your life without her in it. No hard feelings. Be pleasant if you see her but stop reaching out & be slow to respond if she chases after you. In time you will just fade out of each other's lives. Maybe you're right. Feel bad for her if that's the case. But my own health must come first. Maybe further down the line we'll be able to have some sort friendship, who knows. But not counting on it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truf Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 So she monkeybranched. Always sucks when people do that. You're doing great man! Now it's time for you to break up with her. She wants friendship when obviously you don't want to. She's incredibly selfish. She wants your emotional support (friendship) and the new romantic relationship with the guy she monkeybranched to (she cheated my friend, maybe just emotionally... but still cheated). She doesn't care about your feelings, just her own feelings of guilt. She can't have her cake and eat it too. You're doing the right thing by walking away and never looking back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blooperflooper Posted May 8, 2019 Author Share Posted May 8, 2019 (edited) So she monkeybranched. Always sucks when people do that. You're doing great man! Now it's time for you to break up with her. She wants friendship when obviously you don't want to. She's incredibly selfish. She wants your emotional support (friendship) and the new romantic relationship with the guy she monkeybranched to (she cheated my friend, maybe just emotionally... but still cheated). She doesn't care about your feelings, just her own feelings of guilt. She can't have her cake and eat it too. You're doing the right thing by walking away and never looking back. You have a point too. I don't know, It's confusing. I don't think she's doing it to be malicious, she might've just been impulsive when running up to me and bringing that stuff up. But I agree about the monkeybranch thing. That was the worst emotional pain I've ever been through and even if I agreed to be friends It'd take a long time before I'd be able to trust her after that. I think I might ask her to meet up with me so I can explain the situation to her so she'll leave me be. Edited May 8, 2019 by Blooperflooper Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 Don't explain, just block and erase them from your life. Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 You have a point too. I don't know, It's confusing. I don't think she's doing it to be malicious, she might've just been impulsive when running up to me and bringing that stuff up. But I agree about the monkeybranch thing. That was the worst emotional pain I've ever been through and even if I agreed to be friends It'd take a long time before I'd be able to trust her after that. I think I might ask her to meet up with me so I can explain the situation to her so she'll leave me be. You honestly don't need to do anything. When she said "friends", she didn't actually mean friends. More then likely (and sadly) she prob won't even notice if do NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blooperflooper Posted May 18, 2019 Author Share Posted May 18, 2019 She contacted again today. Messaged me "I just want to tell you that if you ever want to grab a cup of coffee with me I'd be up for it." Read it, ignored it. Seven hours later 21:37 pm "Are you missing a hat? Because I have a hat here that might be yours." Oh dear. I'm at a point where I think I'll humor her for a bit and meet up. I'm not going there to get back with her, I don't have any hopes of that. If I decide to go I'll go there with neutrality. I honestly don't know why I want to meet her. She keeps bugging me about it and maybe I need to get it out of my system. I'm probably a fool. Either way I'm gonna think about it for a couple of more hours before I decide anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blooperflooper Posted May 18, 2019 Author Share Posted May 18, 2019 I'll meet up with her I think. If it doesn't feel right I don't have any obligations to see her again. Maybe It'll help sort my thoughts out. I know It's probably a stupid idea but if I end up feeling hurt It's my own fault. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 At this point in time, the only person you are hurting is you. There are just sometimes we just have to put how we may feel about others to the side and focus on ourselves. Look after yourself this once. Treasure the time you had with her but just let her go. Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted May 23, 2019 Share Posted May 23, 2019 If you can't handle her as just a friends-with-benefits or even just a friends thing (in most cases, I don't like remaining friends with exes - I'm way too sexual in nature), then you gotta just move on. Remember the good times for what it was, but find someone new. She isn't interested in you like that anymore, even with the mixed signals. If you can handle being friends - then go for that coffee. Just don't expect her to be all "Oh I want you back" type of thing. Again, if you can't handle just being friends - then just ....don't be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 23, 2019 Share Posted May 23, 2019 Don't rush to her. Treat her like the bad boy she probably left you for. Tell her there's a price to your friendship -Sex! and if she still wants that kind of friendship give you a call. Otherwise tell her to lose your number. That will either shut her down or get her chasing you. If she does call for sex ignore her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blooperflooper Posted May 29, 2019 Author Share Posted May 29, 2019 Before I post about that: I can't shake the feeling that I'm doing something wrong when posting about this online. I try to keep everyone's privacy in mind. But I also can't be understood without giving out details on what has been said. Is it fine as long as I don't give out names and stick to what's relevant? Should I try to cutting things down? Probably dumb to ask about your opinions on that but I'm in a moral loop. I just can't handle being alone in my head when it comes to this stuff and posting helps me. But I don't want to do it on other peoples behalf either. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 29, 2019 Share Posted May 29, 2019 I'll meet up with her I think. If it doesn't feel right I don't have any obligations to see her again. Maybe It'll help sort my thoughts out. I know It's probably a stupid idea but if I end up feeling hurt It's my own fault. Understanding that seeing her could set your own healing back, go at your own risk. Perhaps it will be the proverbial last nail in the coffin of your defunct relationship. Posting can be a good outlet. If you are unsure about violating privacy, write your Q out in a word processing program then re-read it. Change every name to a pronoun. Delete all proper place names. Use her, she etc. & my town, her city etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blooperflooper Posted May 29, 2019 Author Share Posted May 29, 2019 (edited) I met up with her last week. We talked for hours and had a great time.The breakup was brought up and she apologized for leaving me and treating me like ****. She confessed that she should've given me a chance. I apologized to her for moving to another town without considering her feelings. She ran up to me, hugged me and cried. Met her again the next day. She was going shopping and wanted company. It felt like when we were a couple, that unnerved me.Once back at her apartment I asked if it was really alright for her to see me since she has a boyfriend. She admitted that she got into a relationship too quickly and that she's unsure if she feels anything for the other guy.She said she feels a stronger connection with me and that hanging out with me feels great. She has issues when it comes to relationships and didn't realize it before dumping me. I'm the only ex she's ever missed. I advised her to break up with him and not drag things out and to seek help for her issues. Not because I wanted her back but because it was unfair to everyone. I was very clear that she couldn't play around and that her indecisiveness was unhealthy. She's basically afraid of being alone so she used the other guy as a crutch before and after the breakup. After that she extremely low the rest of the evening. I ended up sleeping on her couch because her brother couldn't come over and I was afraid of leaving her alone. Next day She said it felt good hanging out with me and that I made her happy. We hugged and I left. One day passed. A mutual friend was moving away so me, the ex and her brother went to him and had a few drinks. Ex got really drunk and started flirting with me and touching me physically. I told her to stop and think. Pointed out that while I didn't mind it, it was very wrong since she is still in a relationship. We went to another party. Ex split up from us to meet up with her female friend.Her big brother told me: "She missed you a lot. You're a better fit for her than the other guy. I hope she'll be able to see that herself soon. I'm glad you're willing to hang out with her, just don't do anything that will hurt you."I like her brother, hes a real pal. I got quite drunk too. I ended up looking after her the entire night because she was wild. She grabbed my hand twice that night and I'm ashamed to say I gave in. I missed my last buss home and had to sleep on her couch again because no one else had room for me. This time I dreaded it. She kept whining about wanting hugs.I eventually hugged her and started snuggling with her but stopped myself. I teared up. I told her she had to break up with her boyfriend, that we couldn't keep doing this. She asked me if I could forgive her for dumping me and if I was willing to start anew. I said I'd be willing once she was single and more stable. We hugged some more and then I forced myself over to the couch. Her brother forgot some stuff so she met up with him. Later found out he chewed her out, told her to be more considerate of my feelings and to be careful. Next day she was more reserved. She basically said that she got too impulsive after drinking and that she still was unsure on what to do. She thanked me for looking after her and told me it meant a lot. We ended up snuggling again. I felt dirty as **** for doing that. I told her I'd keep my distance from her until she made up her mind. She agreed with me on that. She hugged me for a minute before I left and that was it. After the night of drinking my feelings resurfaced full force. I was cautious when first meeting her but the more we opened up and talked the more my feelings creeped up on me. And I got the impression she felt the same, she even hinted at it several times. I met her again yesterday at the workplace we both go to. She acted cold and seemed nervous. I felt like **** all day and couldn't sleep that night. I called her this morning. Me "Can we see each other soon? I want to meet you." Her "There's no harm in just hanging out." Me "Just hanging out? Listen, I can't go back to just acting casual after what happened last weekend." Her: "Yeah I probably made things weird. Sorry." Me: "Weird? It's not weird. I know what I want but you don't. You have to figure it out." Her: "I'm getting help. But it can take time." Me: "I don't know how to handle this...I have feelings for you again." Her: "I know...But this is hard for me too." whimper. Me: "Are you still together with him?" Her: "I talked with him. We're on a break. I'm not going to be in a relationship with anyone right now." Me: "On a break? You keep saying that you feel a stronger connection to me and that my company makes you happy. All you say about him is that you don't click with him and that you're unsure. What's so confusing? I'm fine with us not getting together right now but I don't like that you keep playing around with two people at the same time. " She raised her voice. Her: "It's not that simple! There's two sides to this. It was wrong of me to talk about him with you. I'm just not sure what to do." Me: "I wish you had thought about that before holding my hand, hugging me and asking me if I'd be willing to try again." Her: "I'm sorry if I messed with your head. It was wrong of me to do that and I should've known better." Me: "Did you mean anything you said? Or was everything just a fleeting feeling...was it just the booze?" Her: "I don't think it was." Me: "Well this turned out great. I didn't mean to make you more stressed but I have feelings too and this is hurting me. I guess we'll talk when you've made up your mind." Her: "Okay." I said bye then hung up. Before anyone gives me ****:I know it was wrong of me to do that behind her BFs back. I didn't have those intentions when I met up with her. Things just kept escalating and I lost control of myself. And to be fair she was the one that kept pushing for it. But I should've controlled the situation better and I'm never doing that again. She's not a bad person. She's well aware of the harm she's causing. She's a mess and her actions show that. I wanted to help her. Putting my feelings aside, I still saw a friend in her. But I can't help her anymore. I'm sorry if this is messy I feel unstable. Feels like I was crushed right when I began building myself up. I'm going to try continuing on with my life as if I never met up with her. I should've listened to you guys and I'm sorry. I met up with her expecting a casual friendship and I because I thought I was ready for it. She kept pushing and hinting that she wanted to try again. I couldn't control my feelings after that. And now she has left me in the dark again. I meant what I said. I was willing to forgive her and start from scratch as new people. But I refuse to do it if she continues to treat me like an option instead of a person. I definitely won't do it as long as she keeps tabs on several people at once. We get along so well when hanging out. I'm just sick of her doing this to me. I won't meet her as a friend anymore. It's too late now. I know It's my own fault and that I was warned. "We're on a break" what a ****ing joke. Edited May 29, 2019 by Blooperflooper Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 29, 2019 Share Posted May 29, 2019 You cared about her & you wanted things to work. She threw herself at you & you did a better job of resisting then most. You also got a real good inside look at what a trainwreck she is. She doesn't know her own mind. She can't stand on her own two feet. Her own brother warned you off. She has little integrity. You need to know that if she would cheat with you, she will cheat on you. Lose her number & only talk to her brother when she's not around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blooperflooper Posted May 29, 2019 Author Share Posted May 29, 2019 That's probably for the best. I'm gonna treat myself with a beer, some snacks and movies today and then work on getting her out of my head tomorrow. Thank you friend 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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