What now?

[Blooperflooper]

I'm just baffled by her behavior. How can she open up to me emotionally and become physical with me and then just shut me out two days later? Doesn't she realize how ****ed up that is?

 

I mean, she knows she's causing me pain. But she still insists that the situation is hard on her too. That's fine and dandy but she's the ****ing cause of everything!

 

 

It's ****ing stupid. She can't decide who to choose when she feels closer to me after not talking with me for months. She even said (when sober) that me being there for her was a strong indicator on who to choose.

And she couldn't even take my advice and break up with the guy. I tried my best to stay neutral and to help her fix the situation. I didn't tell her to break up with him so she could get back with me, I told her to do so because it wasn't right to lead him on. And I made that very clear.

She even told me her relationship with him would probably end soon anyway because she doesn't click with him. Then why in the **** take a "break" from him? Why cause him more pain than necessary?

 

And when I pointed that out to her she had the nerve to say that It's not right for her to compare the new guy with me. But that's all she's been doing since I met her and I tried staying neutral!

 

I'm guessing she's doing it to keep tabs on him for as long as possible. Just like she's trying to keep tabs on me.

 

This is ****ing with my head. I was doing so well until she swooped in. I been building up a mental and emotional barrier towards her for months. She got me to trust her again before ultimately crushing me.

 

The worst thing is I started weeping right before I said goodbye. I shouldn't have given her that.

 

I'm probably going to update this quite a lot today. It feels like I'm going insane. I feel worse than when she dumped me the first time.

[d0nnivain]

You are not going insane. She is playing head games with you, maybe not intentionally but you are still getting hurt.

 

You let yourself believe in her again because you wanted to. That is the part that is making you crazy. You knew better but she was so alluring, you let organs other than your brain control & now you are hurt all over again.

 

You know that in your mind & heart you have to lock her in a box that says "Do Not Trust" but you want so bad for her to be a good & honorable person you foolishly give her the benefit of the doubt. Then she walks all over you again.

[Blooperflooper]

You are not going insane. She is playing head games with you, maybe not intentionally but you are still getting hurt.

 

You let yourself believe in her again because you wanted to. That is the part that is making you crazy. You knew better but she was so alluring, you let organs other than your brain control & now you are hurt all over again.

 

You know that in your mind & heart you have to lock her in a box that says "Do Not Trust" but you want so bad for her to be a good & honorable person you foolishly give her the benefit of the doubt. Then she walks all over you again.

 

Wow... thanks for pointing that out to me.

 

It's so easy to get caught in the moment. I assume I've been telling myself "This time It'll be different", "If I do this instead of this It'll work out" or "I know she means well, she won't hurt me again..." subconsciously (is that the right word?) and I payed the price.

 

It's hard for me to separate the image I had of her from the reality of who she is.

She was a much more honest and stable person at one point. I don't know why she changed so drastically. Perhaps she was always like this and I was just blind to it. All I know is that she used to help me and support me through anything that came my way, and I did the same for her.

 

That's what kills me about letting her go completely.

I want to her to be safe and happy and to help her when I can.

But I can't help her if It's going to affect me this negatively. I just hope she'll learn from her mistakes one day.

 

I guess accepting the situation and to let her go completely is the first step for me to take. You're right, I've been a fool. Now It's time for me to learn from my own mistakes.

[Blooperflooper]

Silence. now there's nothing but silence. Does she know how much she hurt me? does she even care? I was depressed and isolated for years before I met her. We always helped each other. She took care of me when I had family issues. Why did she do this. Why am stupid enough to fall for her tricks.

 

I don't know what the **** to do. I just want to die. I want to call her. I want her to love me like I love her. I know It's no use.

 

I don't know what to do. I've been plagued by suicidal thoughts for years and now they're worse. Everything just worse. and I feel so ****ing alone. I feel like trash, I feel like worthless ****ing trash. No one ever gave a damn besides her. She helped me realized I could be loved. but now she's gone.

 

I drank too much. I drank way too ****ing much. I'm ****ing dumb.

 

Why do I still care for her. Why?

 

I just want to message her and tell her I love her. That I'll always love her. But it doesn't matter anymore, it won't make a difference. I'm sorry. I just can't stand this isolation. I can't stand it.

 

Oh I just want to message her. I want to tell her I love her but that I can't stand being hurt any longer. I guess I'll just have to love her in silence from now on. Far away from her. I'm sorry I just can't take it. I'm gonna go to bed, try to get some sleep. Tomorrow I'll see what to do. Maybe something good will happen. I don't know. I just don't want to be in pain no more.

[Blooperflooper]

I'll probably feel ridiculous in the morning. Either that or worse. I'm sorry for my drunken ramblings. Goodnight everyone.

[d0nnivain]

Please don't kill yourself. Dying is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

 

I hope your hangover isn't too bad.

Edited May 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
flipped some words

[Cornputer]

I hope you're ok, OP. Please do keep us updated.

 

This is a great lesson for you and trust me when I say this, you will come out of this 10x stronger. Let time heal you now, one day at a time. Focus on you, how can you better yourself? Maybe pick up running, start a new hobby, be active in life and meet new people.

 

There is so much more to life than an unstable girl who has to bring her unhappiness onto you. Don't let her control you any longer, you are your OWN person.