James1982 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 Hi all Just wanted to vent really. I am 37, all my friends are settled, been in relationships for years, some married, kids... yet me im still like when i was 18! its really getting to me... i have had 2 real serious relationships in that time one for 3 and a half years one for 4... the second one, i was really messed around, she kept splitting up every few months, treating me bad but i would get back with her (probably when she didnt have anything else available) But i seem to always go for the wrong types... always based on looks... I just cant seem to change and i want to. I really put pressure on myself and suffer anxiety that i am going to be like this forever and not settled. How can i change?! or just be content? Maybe i need to talk to someone, im not sure, ive never done that before either Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 (edited) Hi . Well at least you've dodged a bullet with the 2nd one. But how do you mean you chose them based on looks , what only looks, what about everything else ? You would know surely there has to be a lot more to it than just looks. But anyway , you've had two reasonably long relationships so at least you know and lived the ropes, learnt things from those and have experience. But now you need to look for someone that;s actually suitable , not just looks. Someone you can spend your life with, things in common and like minded, that wants the same things and similar views, life , stuff, someone your very comfortable with get along well with and that your just into and her you and hopefully love. Just some of the basics you both need if you want to settle down together. For you it should be a lot easier than some because it's easy to see why it hasn't happened and it's an easy thing to change about who you go for in the future . But l wouldn't let anymore dead end relationships start up because before you know it another 5 or 6yrs will pass and you'll be that much older again. And it only gets harder , not easier , so you really don't wanna waste the time you still have on your side now. Anyway good luck Edited February 17, 2019 by chillii 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 I think a lot of people decide to talk to/date people that they find attractive enough. The problem is when we stay with someone who has clearly shown us that they are not good relationship partners for the wrong reasons (looks, good sex, money, status, their fun, don't want to be alone, of your own personal insecurities, they were nice at the beginning and trying to get back to the honeymoon stage). The years we waste on the wrong person is years we take away finding the right person. So tweak your habits by getting good at getting rid of the wrong women quicker so you won't find yourself wasting years on the wrong relationship. If there is a major red flag that the hottie in front of you is mean, selfish, emotional unavailable, not marriage material, or maybe she is a lovely person just not compatible. you have to grow the balls to let her go and find someone else no matter how much your attracted to her or may like her. Many people get this wrong. They are not happy but too comfortable to want to leave. No more of that. That's wasting years of your love life. And also if you find yourself only going for the most beautiful or most gorgeous with no good results of finding a women who is also beautiful on the inside then maybe open up your dating pool to also give chance to women who are simply not ugly. She may not be super gorgeous but she is decent looking enough to you. Maybe it will increase your chances of finding someone who is wife worthy. Attraction is still important but also make other qualities a requirement too. Maybe try to let go of any petty picky requirements. Like don't exclusively date blondes for a simple example. Give blondes, AND brunettes, red hair etc a shot. How about next time when your dating look for attraction AND who makes you feel good emotionally AND compatibility. Do this ON PURPOSE. You see many people mindlessly date. We see someone attractive, interact, have sex, develop feelings, and enter into a relationship and just stick with the person struggling trying to make it work (even though there are major signs that you and this person is incompatible) but don't want to breakup until the relationship becomes so unbearable to one or both that being single feels like the better choice. Relationship ends then we go back out there rinse and repeat. So instead pursue women who is attractive enough for you and then on purpose get to know who is in front of you. While your enjoying dating or the relationship don't be so blinded that you miss red flags. Don't see any so far then continue on. At any point you see/feel something wrong of course try to address it. The ability to manage conflict is very important in a marriage so you got to be able to do that in the relationship. If you find deal breaking red flags or that the woman you chose can't manage conflict then you got to let her go and find someone else. So you may find that getting to Mrs Right would look like being single a bit longer because your not jumping into relationships with hotties that shown themselves to be a train wreck in the dating getting to know each other phases. This is okay. This means more time that your available to look for and find Mrs Right. You may find yourself in shorter relationships because you got out of a sinking ship at 3 months instead of 3 years. Again more availability to find the right one sooner rather than later. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author James1982 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 wow thank you for your responses, it really means a lot people would take time out of their own lives to post advice! I sound shallow, i know it and hate it... with me, its like i have to be attracted to them by their looks... lately i have tried to be more open minded, go out with someone i normally wouldnt consider, but again sounding shallow, i just see them as a friend, im not physically attracted to them and it will only be then 'mates' so frustrating im not very sociable these days, friends dont come out, m jobs a lonely one, work from home - so my dating pool is online! which i know isnt healthy, i go to the gym and started an evening course once a week, but i dont get the chance to meet/bond with other singles... this is something i need to look at too. not sure if a therapist would help? i wouldnt even know where to start, looking for one! what would i type into google, therapist for a shallow person lol its all overwhelming Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_daviss Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 It's not a bad thing to have high standards and take your time if you want to change who you like the thing to do is to make yourself appealing to the crowd you want or show obvious interest in someone you think is right for you Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 I think when relationships don't work over and over we have to take a look at ourselves and try to see patterns of what usually happens in our failed relationships. I am divorced but been dating since. It took me a good while to be able to stop saying "I just haven't found the right person" or "the world is unfair, why does everyone find a partner so easily and I don't?" and take a honest look at what my part of the problem is. I believe I found out I do have some behavioral issues that push people away, and I also attract and am attracted to the wrong people. These patterns come from childhood issues. If you asked me a year ago if I had any psychological issues, I'd say I don't. Hence I repeat, try to identify patterns in your relationships and see what you do, because you are the only common denominator in all the relationships that went wrong. And in any case, you can only improve/change yourself, not others. Try to see what is your part in it and work on it, even with a therapist if need be. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 wow thank you for your responses, it really means a lot people would take time out of their own lives to post advice! I sound shallow, i know it and hate it... with me, its like i have to be attracted to them by their looks... Nah , you need to be attracted to each other there's nothing shallow or wrong about that. And attraction can work in lots of different ways. But there has to be more to it than just attraction or yeah that would be shallow. You need all the things that go into making up a relationship too ,to be happy and for it to work out long term. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 I sound shallow, i know it and hate it... with me, its like i have to be attracted to them by their looks... I guess it helps to be a bit older to understand looks are but one quality. I have have friends, some already divorced, who seem to be holding out for Scarlett Johansson, they only notice the hottest women in the room. And trust me, no one is mistaking these guys for Brad Pitt. So besides being unrealistic, there's nothing about this "beauty pageant" screening process ensuring you'll end up with the type of person you'd want to spend a month with, much less the rest of your life. Time to change your search terms... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 This is how I look at people in relationships. Group A. 25% of us will just get it right from the get go. Group B. 50% of us have to keep on learning. Group C 25% of will never get into anything long term. I am Group B. I almost think its like this for me. Looking at all the women that I have been involved with in the last 30 yrs. From 17 to 47. Nothing works for me, unless its the women coming towards me romantically. Its not a numbers game. All my friends that are really happy with their women. Its their SO that made the move most of the time. ! couple was put together by their co-workers. So my future long term steady is not coming from my picks. They are coming from a woman that likes me romantically and I trigger it off in them. I just can't control when or when. Its usually when I am playful or mildly Flirtatious and I don't care about trying to be romantically connect with her. In the movies. It would be like The main hero likes the main heroine, but her sidekick is the one it would work out with. So it would be like Angelina Jolie is the main star, but Sandra Bullock would be her best friend in the movie. SB would be a better match than AJ. At least when they like me. I more or less get my way so to speak when the woman likes me more. I still to this day, don't understand why its that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 (edited) By the way. I am not settling until I really meet a great girl that inspires me to settle down with her. There is no strange societal guilt trip on me to marry/have kids, because Society says its the natural thing to do. I think a great match is hard to find. I want to be a great match with my SO when I find her. I don't want it to be mediocre or just passing the time. I am not at the same time saying it has to be some big great high octane adventure all the time as well. My ideal relationship is we are close in age. We are not rushing to live together/get married/have kids. We enjoy each others company with interesting conversations and laughs with physical affection between us and we are chill with each other, and give a little bit of space. If there was a TV couple that I would want us to emulate its maybe off the top of my head. The Walshes from BH90210. They love each other, but its not this big production all the time. Steady and strong. That will only come in time and when a woman comes into my life in an organic, non forced way. Edited March 8, 2019 by Mysterio Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Time to change your type. If you’ve always gone for a woman with X qualities then perhaps stay away from that type. Maybe instead of the super outgoing type, find a quieter type? For example. Sometimes our hearts/desires sexually do not match up with who we would actually be successful in a relationship with. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Hot and crazy are not mutually exclusive. There are plenty of very acttractive, very smart, very hard working, very kindo women out there to date... you have to learn to say no to the drama and find a woman who is attractive to you and has her stuff together... Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 The man is not shallow. One has to be physically attracted to her, if not there will be no relationship. Janes1982: Expand your dating pool. There are women everywhere! Talk to the gal at the cash register of the grocery store, or the bank. I was engaged to a gal I met who worked at the local sporting goods store. Over the years I have dated a gal whom I met at the library, drug store, even a hobby shop. And at 48 I met my current girl friend of 23 years, when I got off from work at midnight and stopped in a convenience store for a soda. She was the night clerk Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 That looks thing is a trap, that's for sure. Some say it's a genetic urge. But I do feel that some people are after looks sometimes for lack of self-esteem reasons, propping themselves up, saying, Look, this hot woman likes me, so I must be okay. It's an actual thing in criminal psychology. The person feels unwhole and unworthy and they try to lift themselves up by trying to bag someone better looking or better than them. It's low self-esteem and the problem for those people is that when the person leaves, they take your self-esteem with them, and it leaves the more out of control of the bunch (not you) desperate to hang on and control them and that's the psychology behind many of the murders and murder/suicides. So it may just be sheer bad luck or it may just be genetics, or it may be something a therapist might root out the cause for. I was kind of the same as you except your relationships lasted a good long while. But for me, there were exceptions because I didn't just go for good looking, though that is certainly a weakness for me, but I went also for cool, and that I could bag and tag! But even those, I had to release back to the wild eventually! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 There are plenty of very acttractive, very smart, very hard working, very kindo women out there to date... you have to learn to say no to the drama and find a woman who is attractive to you and has her stuff together... I suspect that by the time these women who tick all boxes reach their 30's, many have already been snapped up and are busy having babies. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Yes to therapy! Talking to someone to help you see things in a different way and also help you change your way of behaving, thinking, reacting is always a positive. Learn to be the best you! Therapy is confidence boosting and you'll grow from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts