Secondplanet Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 It's finally happened. after just 4 days shy of our 13th anniversary my wife has asked for separation. Very hard to talk about this but i just don't know who to talk to or where to talk so was happy to have found this page even though it took me 30-40mins of searching to find. Its amazing how there are more sites for lawyers then support/help. But after several days of talking we finally started a dialog to go off. We sat down and my wife admitted that her feelings for me have been gone for almost 3 years now but an event from 2 years ago was her tipping point. From there she has been withdrawing herself from me while not saying anything and i never picked up on anything so i'll take blame here. But what has made it even harder was the fact that while she was overseas dealing with family business and she fell in love with a long time friend of hers. He now has her heart and she came back without telling me anything or even admitting to it until valentines day. Now i'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life knowing that i will be living with the woman i still love but her heart belongs elsewhere. I'm trying to hold it together but its hard on me. I just can't stop crying over this. But as much as we talked recently it seems like she is torn between me and the other guy. She says she still loves me but is not in love with me but wants to still be friends which i'm fine with but i just can't continue life living with her, It just hurts to bad seeing her everyday in our house, our family just collapsing. It wouldn't be so bad if we just drifted apart and became friends but its just she has had 3 years to drift from me and i have had only 2 days to come to terms with this. Sorry if i'm double pacing and saying things over but i have horrible health and my mind gets fibro-fog easily. I tried stepping up my game with helping around the house the best i can with limited mobility but it just hurts that i'm just now cluing into what has happened and detest myself for not realizing my folly sooner. I'm not a perfect husband at all. Yes i wanted to cheat on my wife at times but i loved her to much to ever do anything like that. We haven't had physical love in over 3 years and she even talked me into getting the snip so we couldn't have any more kids but it seemed like an excuse she made to get out of it and i called her bluff (at the cost of mutilating my already damaged body further) Don't know what i want from this forum but just needed to get this out and admit this is my new reality. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 I'm sorry for your pain. You are smart to realize it's only been two days and that this will take time to process and work through. You're still in shock and denial. Since she is the one who wants the separation I would ask her to move out. You're right, you can't live together while this is so new and painful for you. Unfortunately a lot of posters here have been through similar situations and will hopefully give you helpful advice that will help focus you on getting through this difficult period. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 For some people infidelity is just a total dealbreaker. It sounds like that's the case with your wife. She disengaged and left the marriage in spirit three years ago. I can relate to that, because I did the same but it only took me 14 months to file. In this case, her infidelity likely doesn't feel wrong to her since she probably didn't feel connected to you and disengage years ago. I believe you will have to accept that your marriage is over, which in all honesty you seem to have already. It will hurt and be a struggle for both of you, you more then her since she has been doing this for years already. Dont allow her to make you her friend so she doesn't have to feel bad, she should feel bad, at the end of the day her infidelity is the same as yours. Give yourself time, avoid alcohol and contact with her unless necessary for business reasons, because the relationship is only business now. Logistics and money. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 An affair trumps everything. She's been in a 3 year long term affair. Sorry but your wife is a very typical cheater. She is rewriting your marital history to justify her unjustifiable actions. You are swallowing and playing right into it. You didn't cause her to have an affair. She did it because she wanted to. You're now playing the "pick me" dance and trying to nice her back which just lowers your status and makes her other man look even better while she views you as weak. All cheaters want to be friends. It helps them relieve their guilt and it's the worst thing you could do. Stop it!!!!! You get nothing out of it. Affairs thrive in secrecy and the dark. You need full exposure now!!! Friends, family, her other mans wife if he's married. You reall need to wake up immediately she has a 3 year head start on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 We sat down and my wife admitted that her feelings for me have been gone for almost 3 years now but an event from 2 years ago was her tipping point. What is she referring to? We haven't had physical love in over 3 years Secondplanet, I don't in any way, shape or form condone what your wife's done, cheating is always the worst choice for dealing with marital issues. But if you had a plant and didn't water it for 3 years, would you be surprised when it died? This should have been fixed or you should have been divorced long before things got to this point. As it stands now, I'd ask her to commit to NC with this guy and start MC. Failing that, time to see a lawyer... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Secondplanet Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 But if you had a plant and didn't water it for 3 years, would you be surprised when it died? This should have been fixed or you should have been divorced long before things got to this point. The issue was that i was never told there was any issue, I know i'm slow to the point as not good at picking up clues that aren't laid out plain to see. When ever i asked if everything was ok she would just tell me her mental illness was bad and she needed to see her doctor. I just wish i was told what the score was before it got to this point. I know her and I haven't been physical for over 2 years but every time i approached her she said her mental health wasn't good. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 The issue was that i was never told there was any issue Come on Secondplanet, you hadn't slept together in 3 years and you need her to tell you there's a problem??? Your wife has cheated on you, one of the lowest things one spouse can do to another. And while you can legitimately experience a number of emotions over that betrayal, surprise regarding the state of your marriage isn't one of them. I'm trying to understand why you want to stay in this relationship... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 Sorry you're going through this. I guess she checked out a couple of years ago but wanted to see if her feelings changed and not just throw it away on a whim. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 So the event from two years ago was not you cheating? I just wanted to clarify because it seems like some responders are under the impression that she’s been cheating for three years and you also cheated. I did not get that from your post. You mention her having mental health issues and you having physical health issues. Is she in therapy? Is she taking medication? If she still loves you and you want to make it work , then marriage counseling is imperative. Whatever resentment has built over the past years can be remedied with hard work and open communication from both of you, but she has to give up the guy. It sounds like he’s overseas, so at least the physical temptation is not there. I wish you luck. I always believe a marriage is worth saving as long as both spouses are all in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Secondplanet Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 Come on Secondplanet, you hadn't slept together in 3 years and you need her to tell you there's a problem???y We've slept in the same bed every night but haven't had any physical love in over 2 years. Every night we cuddled in bed and go to bed saying how we loved each other every night as well. So the event from two years ago was not you cheating? I just wanted to clarify because it seems like some responders are under the impression that she’s been cheating for three years and you also cheated. I did not get that from your post. You mention her having mental health issues and you having physical health issues. Is she in therapy? Is she taking medication? If she still loves you and you want to make it work , then marriage counseling is imperative. Whatever resentment has built over the past years can be remedied with hard work and open communication from both of you, but she has to give up the guy. It sounds like he’s overseas, so at least the physical temptation is not there. I haven't cheated on her once, ever. I was presented the opportunity in the past but passed it without thought as i took my vows seriously. But she has medication and therapy but this is still the outcome. But it seems that even though she was told to talk to me about it she didn't so she made the choice to let us get this far. I want to go to marriage counseling but how can i do that when she face times her new boyfriend every day? How can i save a marriage that she herself doesn't want to fix? But i'm dealing with this better thanks to people on here and reading other articles dealing with this subject. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Because there is this other guy in the picture, your marriage is over. It hasn't been good for a while, despite the fact that you slept in the same bed. She was previously checked out emotionally. Now she may have checked out physically. If she is not willing to fight for your marriage, there is nothing you can do. So engage in some meaningful self care & talk to a good lawyer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Come on Secondplanet, you hadn't slept together in 3 years and you need her to tell you there's a problem??? Your wife has cheated on you, one of the lowest things one spouse can do to another. And while you can legitimately experience a number of emotions over that betrayal, surprise regarding the state of your marriage isn't one of them. I'm trying to understand why you want to stay in this relationship... Mr. Lucky At risk of making myself sound super dense here, I can kind of identify with this if I understand correctly. It sounds like the OP knew going without sex wasn’t okay but his wife told him that it was due to her mental health issues. So he realized that he wasn’t happy with that but still honored his commitment to her and didn’t cheat. For me, my husband told me he shut off his sex drive and didn’t need sex anymore. Which was my fault, but not something I could fix, he said. So when I would ask for sex he would start an argument where he was telling me that I didn’t really want to have sex with him until I stopped asking. Or he would remind me that he had no sex drive. Or he would “try” to have sex with me and just make a terrible effort and then act like I should have known I wouldn’t like it. But after enough conversations where he told me that it was fine with him the way it was, that it was all him and not me anymore, I just kind of felt like I had to deal with it. I would ask if it meant he was unhappy or having an affair and he would deny it. Not saying he can claim total surprise but I can say it’s been confusing as hell for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Secondplanet Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 At risk of making myself sound super dense here, I can kind of identify with this if I understand correctly. It sounds like the OP knew going without sex wasn’t okay but his wife told him that it was due to her mental health issues. So he realized that he wasn’t happy with that but still honored his commitment to her and didn’t cheat. Thanks for understanding and getting what i was saying, I was mainly raised by my grandmother and raised with older values then others from my generation so to me marriage wasn't a joke, something to do for fun or even just to do for the hell of it, it was a bonding of two souls, no longer being a husband and wife but a couple. So when she said she wasn't up for it i had no ground to say otherwise and respected her decision on the matter. One could argue that she should do it cause she loves me but the argument works both ways with i can go without cause i love her. Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I felt the same way about it and I can tell you that overcoming your denial of what is really going on is a real b*tch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Secondplanet Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 I felt the same way about it and I can tell you that overcoming your denial of what is really going on is a real b*tch. you summed it up perfectly. I know its over, I understand its over but it still hurts. I don't understand her at times though as she will be crying to me about how she wish she never went overseas cause of what it did to us then in the next breath go onto facetime her new boyfriend. When we got together i only had a limp but she wasn't diagnosed with anything, but even though we had our bumps along the way we were happy but after she got diagnosed things did change, while she was the same in most ways she could never get over her diagnoses. I tried so hard to comfort her saying it works out as i'm not physically inclined so we made a joke deal that i was the brains and she was the brawn. But i don't think she ever got over the diagnoses and on some of her not so good days she would be crying asking why i would be with someone as messed up as her to which i always replied "I love everything about you cause of WHO you are" sorry if i'm rambling but my night meds have kicked in, i'm snacking and watching some anime lol. Just got back from a nice night walk in -13C weather so feeling fluffy Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 You need to stop talking to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 So when she said she wasn't up for it i had no ground to say otherwise and respected her decision on the matter. So having already bailed on the physical side of marriage, she's now telling you she's done with the emotional bond also. Are you going to respect that? Again, other than "values", you'll have to explain why you'd want to to stay married to a spouse who, for all intents and purposes, left three years ago? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 The issue was that i was never told there was any issue, I know i'm slow to the point as not good at picking up clues that aren't laid out plain to see. When ever i asked if everything was ok she would just tell me her mental illness was bad and she needed to see her doctor. I just wish i was told what the score was before it got to this point. I know her and I haven't been physical for over 2 years but every time i approached her she said her mental health wasn't good. This is because your WW refused you sex so she would not be cheating on her OM with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Secondplanet Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 So having already bailed on the physical side of marriage, she's now telling you she's done with the emotional bond also. Are you going to respect that? Again, other than "values", you'll have to explain why you'd want to to stay married to a spouse who, for all intents and purposes, left three years ago? Mr. Lucky At first i disliked you for being so blunt here but now that i'm coming to terms with it you're the kind of person we need here the most. Just keep telling it as it is and help us snap out of it and get off our pity pots. Thanks Mr.Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I don't mean to offend and, trust me, during my own divorce decades ago I was in deeper denial than any poster here. I actually split up from and reconciled with the same cheating spouse 5 times, possibly a world record for stupidity. Fortunately, I did take away a few hard-earned lessons. You seem to be on the same track... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 At first i disliked you for being so blunt here but now that i'm coming to terms with it you're the kind of person we need here the most. Just keep telling it as it is and help us snap out of it and get off our pity pots. Thanks Mr.Lucky I always look for Mr. Lucky's responses to a post. He tells it like it is and gives the BEST advice. I aspire to be like him - logical, no nonsense. I have a LONG way to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Secondplanet Posted February 19, 2019 Author Share Posted February 19, 2019 i guess since i got some people helping me with this i might as well ask another question. I know it sounds cheesy but my ex is a vegetarian and while together i promised i wouldn't eat meat as it made her sad so i told her that i love her more then my love of eating land meat (bonus for me as i love fish lol) but now my eldest daughter (my ex's daughter who is now grown up) is tempting me with burgers and arby's. I know it sounds really stupid but i'm torn on if i should keep said promise Again i know it sounds really stupid to be thinking about it but i just... sorry kinda hard to put words to this but i just always had pride with the whole "my word is my bond" thing. But might be the night meds making me hazy. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 The vegetarian promise does not need to be kept by you. The promise she broke was far more damaging. EAT THE BURGER!!! Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 She has no grounds for expecting you to keep promises to her now. Enjoy the burgers and roast beef! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 i just always had pride with the whole "my word is my bond" thing. You also made a commitment to only be sexually active with her. I'm hoping, as you move forward with your life, that gets re-examined also ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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