Thinking About Confessing

[ManMar]

Since most affairs are eventually found out

 

If you think about it, how can you have a statistic of not public information? maybe most affairs are never found out!!! (actually, I think that this is probably the case).

 

Imo, confessing is by no means a given.

 

It is not clear neither under moral grounds (is the BS better or worse off by knowing? is confessing an act of selfishness or of generosity?)

 

nor under practical grounds (you objectively break trust so you objectively damage your relationship);

 

yes, you'd be in a worse position if discovered, but which is the event with the highest probability, discovered or not discovered? I would say in many cases, not discovered by a wide margin, but each case is different and, as discussed, there is no way to know the overall real statistic.

 

I really think there is no clear answer to the question of confession.

Edited February 19, 2019 by ManMar

[InvisibleLady]

This is a very personal choice and only you know your spouse and your marriage.

 

My A ended 15 months ago and I have chosen not to confess at this point. I have said this on another thread, but my spouse cannot emotionally handle it. To confess would destroy him. He is possessive and obsessive about me to the point that it is unhealthy and was this way our whole marriage (NOT as a result of the A). And he would absolutely retaliate against xMM.

Some say I am robbing him of his choice to divorce me. But he wouldn't. He would blame himself and slip into a depression. Again, to emphasize the point that I know my spouse and strangers on the internet do not. I would be easing my guilt (maybe...but not really - how does confessing make one any less guilty?) while destroying him and for what?

 

Just remember, confessing doesn't change what we did - we can't take it back and there are no "do-overs" in this life. Move forward with a HUGE lesson learned.

[bathtub-row]

I agree that there’s a slight chance of the spouse finding out. In that case, be prepared with an answer if it does happen. Just say that it did happen, explain your reasons for not being forthcoming with the info, and let the chips fall where they may. Under no circumstances should you attempt to deny it. Still, I think the chances of discovery are slim and not a good enough reason to rip up your spouse’s heart over this.

[pepperbird]

op,

If you look inside yourself and can say with 100 percent confidence that you will never cheat again and that it will not influence how you interact with your husband, then I could understand not confessing.

 

 

The problem is that those guarantees are impossible to make. Many ws think they are keeping their A under wraps, but if you were to ask their spouse, often times they sense something is wrong, but don;t know what it is.

 

That is a really nasty way to live.

 

 

 

Look deep down inside yourself. Knowing yourself, knowing your husband, your lifestyle and all the other factors at play, if you were in his shoes, what would you want? Would you want to know the truth, or would ignorance be bliss?

[standtall]

 

I can tell you from my experience, it would have been infinitely better for my wife to have come to me soon after the affair happened and told me about it instead of me finding out about it years later. If she confessed in a way that showed true remorse our marriage would be way further ahead.

Instead, because it had been rug-swept in her mind and she never suffered the real consequences from it, she stupidly reached out to her AP years later in the hope they could just be "friends". The affair could have easily restarted if I hadn't stumbled upon some of the messages by accident.

 

I respect that bro...that's you. I don't know your story, but what would have happened if finished your marriage seemingly happy with it's ups and downs, and never knew or even had a clue, and went to your grave not knowing that your wife had cheated for 1 yr, 20 yrs prior to your death? I think most people would think that ignorance is bliss...in that case.

 

However, this is nuts logic

 

"As an example, because I have never experienced it myself, I would never say to a parent that lost a child that I know how they feel, and I would never give them advice on how to deal with it. "

 

Based on your reasoning, every counselor, sports coach, priest, life coach, parent, sister, brother, good friend, etc....should hang up giving advice to someone because they didn't experience a particular scenario? Come on, you can do better. Dude, why do people come on here and take advice about happy marriages from people on their 3rd marriage, been cheated on, did the cheating, abuse their spouses, hate their wives/husbands and not just the posters with happy, successful ones??......you get where I'm going here? Because we all have opinions and they're all equally valid.

 

BTW, what ever happened to all the facts that you stated early? I think we should just go with maybe they were opinions after all....just as valid as anybody else.

 

OP, I would roll the dice and sit on this one.

[DKT3]

The I wouldn't tell is just a continuation of the behavior that led to the affair in the first place. Marriage is a partnership, no partnership can grow to full strength if one person is making unilateral decisions, not being open and honest creates or keeps a barrier up that prevents you from having the kind of relationship you want.

 

Yes you can likely survive infidelity and stay married by not confessing. Survivor not thrive. Either you create that huge barrier or you become a slave to you infidelity.

 

Yes confessing, in the case of female infidelity, will most likely lead to divorce, but it also leads to an authentic life.

[Turning point]

The I wouldn't tell is just a continuation of the behavior that led to the affair in the first place. Marriage is a partnership, no partnership can grow to full strength if one person is making unilateral decisions, not being open and honest creates or keeps a barrier up that prevents you from having the kind of relationship you want.

 

Yes you can likely survive infidelity and stay married by not confessing. Survivor not thrive. Either you create that huge barrier or you become a slave to you infidelity.

 

Yes confessing, in the case of female infidelity, will most likely lead to divorce, but it also leads to an authentic life.

 

I can't fully subscribe to this idea because there's a high moral equivalency here - withholding the information versus shattering their partner's sense of self. (I'm presuming here that the BS is in fact, truly happy and blissfully unaware and that the WS has fully reckoned the tragedy of her choices and is a changed person.)

 

Cheating was a selfish act, and unloading ourselves upon an unsuspecting partner is also a selfish act. People talk about "Consequences" as if they flow in one direction and that it is not the case.

 

There may be a time and place for the WS to come clean, and exposure is always a risk but, if we are truly compassionate with our partner than we consider their disposition and put their needs before our own.

 

Confession is a LOT MORE than just disclosure - it's also an act of seeking acceptance. That can't be done with sincerity or compassion when you toss it at someone from out of nowhere. If the WS has truly reckoned herself this may be her cross to carry until confession is able to equally serve them both.

Edited February 19, 2019 by Turning point

[standtall]

 

Yes confessing, in the case of female infidelity, will most likely lead to divorce, but it also leads to an authentic life.

 

At the expense of the victim....again. We all have secrets about bad behavior, no one is exempt......

Edited February 19, 2019 by standtall

[CantGetEnuff]

I rarely think disclose is warranted. The OP's case seems to favor nondisclosure. OP, approach it from a utilitarian analysis. Compare the pain and pleasure caused by the two choices.

 

Disclosure: Adds MUCH pain to the your spouse. Adds SOME pain to you.

 

Staying quiet: Adds NO pain to your spouse. Adds NO pain to you, unless you are just eaten up with guilt. Then, it adds SOME pain to you.

 

From a utilitarian perspective, the math would rarely argue in favor of disclosing.

[ManMar]

<snip>Confession is a LOT MORE than just disclosure - it's also an act of seeking acceptance. That can't be done with sincerity or compassion when you toss it at someone from out of nowhere. If the WS has truly reckoned herself this may be her cross to carry until confession is able to equally serve them both.

 

I agree. Well articulated and balanced opinion.-

Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Turning point]

<snip>

Disclosure: Adds MUCH pain to the your spouse. Adds SOME pain to you. Staying quiet: Adds NO pain to your spouse. Adds NO pain to you, unless you are just eaten up with guilt. Then, it adds SOME pain to you. From a utilitarian perspective, the math would rarely argue in favor of disclosing.

 

The problem with your math, is that you only do subtraction.

Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[oldtruck]

1. Opinion....not fact.

2. Opinion...not fact.

3. Maybe

<snip>

 

I have read too many threads for too many years that Zona is

stating fact. Real stories from real people are not opinions.

Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Orokotikki]

You know what the right thing to do is.

Be wary of taking advice remorseless cheaters and philanderers who advise silence.

[DKT3]

Yeah, some of this sounds really naive.

 

First off confession isnt what hurts, its having a partner that thinks so little of you that they would have an affair....now, this person who didnt respect you enough to not cheat is now not telling to spare your feelings....Well here in the real world, just like the affair, not confessing is selfish and self serving, nothing to do with not hurting the partner, that would have been stopping from cheating in the first place.

 

Long ago, I was in the "I wouldn't want to know camp" but ones you suspect something it can consume your entire life. Very few are actually good at cheating and covering up, so evidence is readily available. Other people know, the affair partner is at risk of being caught and many betrayed spouses want to blow your s..t up too.

 

Btw, the oh I didn't want to hurt you by confessing foolish only works among those who have cheated, no one else is buying that.

[Zona]

Yes confessing, in the case of female infidelity, will most likely lead to divorce...

 

Not always does it lead to divorce. One reason more women get divorced when they have affairs is that they are more likely to dump their husbands for the OM. Another reason is that if they get caught by their husbands, there is a very high chance the affair will continue, because WW is addicted to the emotional high she gets from AP, and likely thinks she is in luurve with her sole-mate. The BH then pulls the plug on the marriage because of the lies, and because the affair continues and the WW is remorseless and in some kind of psychological fog. By the time she gets out of the fog, she may find herself divorced (and OM will most likely never leave his wife).

 

Just a casual reading of this forum shows you these exact dynamics over and over.

 

Now if the WW is remorseful and recommits to the marriage, there is actually a pretty good chance the marriage will survive. It has in your case and in mine.

[Cornputer]

I respect that bro...that's you. I don't know your story, but what would have happened if finished your marriage seemingly happy with it's ups and downs, and never knew or even had a clue, and went to your grave not knowing that your wife had cheated for 1 yr, 20 yrs prior to your death? I think most people would think that ignorance is bliss...in that case.<snip>

 

You are comparing educated professionals to ordinary people, giving advice based on wisdom. Apples and oranges.

Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[pepperbird]

OP,

In the end, none of what anyone says on here matters. What matters is your husband and yourself.

 

in his shoes, what would you want? Would you want to know if your wife cheated on you, or would you prefer to never find out?

 

 

The problem is no ws can guarantee his or her bs will forever remain in blissful ignorance. The ow/ow may decide to spill the beans, a phone call, text or message may be discovered, someone may gossip. This will all be out of your control. Can you live with that over your head?

[standtall]

I have read too many threads for too many years that Zona is

stating fact. Real stories from real people are not opinions.

 

This forum is not a snapshot of the real world. For example off of the top of my head, most alpha men do not post to forums of this type.... IMHO. Additionally for the people that have cheated and don't confess...well, we will never really know that tally now will we? Put your anger aside a really think about it.....

 

Zona asserted some opinions and a "forum of experts" as facts...the burden of proof is on them, because I believe they are merely opinions by a person who obviously has some strong, angry feelings about this subject....more motivation to be biased.

[DKT3]

This forum is not a snapshot of the real world. For example off of the top of my head, most alpha men do not post to forums of this type.... IMHO. Additionally for the people that have cheated and don't confess...well, we will never really know that tally now will we? Put your anger aside a really think about it.....

 

Zona asserted some opinions and a "forum of experts" as facts...the burden of proof is on them, because I believe they are merely opinions by a person who obviously has some strong, angry feelings about this subject....more motivation to be biased.

 

There is a difference between ALPHA and insecure emotional immature men, I believe that's confused a lot. On the surface the behavior can be the same.

 

Someone who doesn't agree with someone else's self described unbiased opinion doesn't make them anymore angry or self preservationist as one from the other side doing the same thing.

 

What it boils down to is simple, cheaters who hasn't confessed saying dont, cheaters who have confessed and those who have been cheated on saying do confess. One is no more biased than the other. Attempts to minimize ones opinions as angry rants is at best disingenuous.

[BaileyB]

At the expense of the victim....again.

 

No offence intended, but only a victim because you victimized your spouse. It’s a little disengenuous to claim concern for the victim, when you are the person who victimized the other individual. It’s like a person who has robbed a senior citizen of their money, then saying “let me manage the money you have left because I would hate for you to be victimized again...”

 

OP, I think you are wise enough to consider the source of the advice given and realize that people have a bias.

 

Personally, I think Zona has a good point that we see played out again and again on this site. Marriages end because the WW is more likely to get emotionally involved with her affair partner - they are more likely to leave the marriage for the OM, they tend to disengage from the marriage, and they tend to have a more difficult time disengaging emotionally from the OM (even when the affair has ended).

 

There are stories here of WW who have told the truth and the marriage survives. It’s not easy, but it does seem like there is a better chance of keeping the marriage if a woman is honest, shows remorse, and a willingness to recommit to the marriage. The worst case scenario is to be discovered. It’s probably highly unlikely that your marriage would survive if you are discovered, especially because you all work together. And the thing is, you have absolutely no control over that.

Edited February 20, 2019 by BaileyB

[Zona]

My fWW would laugh if anyone called me a "beta". What I was in the past, was naïve and too trusting. If I was to live life over again, I would never put a woman on a pedestal. No human deserves that as we are all flawed in one way or another.

 

There are plenty of alphas that get cheated on, because it not about the husband or the marriage in the end, it's about issues the WW has and how she choses to deal with them.

 

Part of masculinity is a natural tendency to protect the ones around you. I get so irritated when I hear the term toxic masculinity because that infers that masculinity is in itself toxic which is ridiculous. Toxic people are toxic. The instinct to protect can also leave you blind to your wife's flaws and bad behavior.

Edited February 20, 2019 by Zona

[Wallysbears]

I think the bigger question isn't about confessing...but about figuring out why you cheated. If you can't answer that and address it, you are likely to cheat again. And perhaps get caught.

 

Also, I think most people that have been cheated on know in some form. They may not verbalize it, but they know. Cheaters aren't nearly as good at hiding it as they like to think.

[elaine567]

Yes some women in affairs may be in an affair as a means to escape her marriage, but it seems to me there are many men with a zero tolerance stance on cheating wives.

[BaileyB]

I think the bigger question isn't about confessing...but about figuring out why you cheated.

 

Agreed.

 

Hindsight is 20/20, but you cheated with a man who is by every account, not a good man. I’m sure that he is very charismatic and you got swept away by the fantasy... but in the light of day, it was a poor decision to get involved with a man who works with both you and your husband, a man who is also carrying on other affairs at work. You placed your trust in the wrong man, most definitely.

 

The fact that you still pine for this man says it all, as it relates to where you are in your personal journey. You are still very confused, you don’t understand why it happened or you would have more conviction in your desire to rid yourself of this man and recommit to your marriage.

Edited February 20, 2019 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

NADGB –

 

For this situation, I think the “blow things up” train of thought is good for analysis of the major consequences:

 

Thinking as if there’s a big pile of unexploded ordinance under your fully paid up house and no insurance or bomb-squad. It’s guaranteed to explode to some degree if you attempt to defuse it (tell). You have to attempt to assess how likely you think it is to blow up if you leave it alone (don’t tell) and then make a choice:

 

• Stay and accept the risk of a full explosion (not telling)
  
• Attempt to defuse it yourself with a virtual guarantee that it will explode, hoping with no guarantee that you will be successful in making the explosion less catastrophic (telling)
  
• Not yet suggested: flee your house (the real life parallel here would be divorcing without explaining the real reasons why)
  

What this doesn’t get at very well is the subtler aspects that some posters have mentioned:

 

• To what extent is keeping the secret a drain on your marriage?
  
• Is it preventing your marriage from reaching its full potential?
  
• Is it worth the risk of ending or ruining your marriage (by telling) to give it back the option to reach its full potential (if you feel keeping the secret does this).
  

 

Not an easy choice by any stretch. I don’t have a specific recommendation for you, but consider:

 

• Some posters who suggest not telling are themselves sitting on significant “time bombs”.
  
• Some posters who told lived to regret it.
  

You mention that you, your H, and AP all work together, yet you describe your risk of discovery as “low”. I’m not in your situation, but I suggest you rethink that. If I were in that situation I would think of my risk as “high”. Emotions make people unpredictable, particularly when it comes to romance. And AP could always show up drunk or on meds and blabbing. Stuff happens…

 

I second Bathtub row’s point about having a plan. IF you decide not to tell, you definitely want to have a well thought out plan for what you will do in the event of a D-day.

 

My two cents. Sincerely wish you the best of luck with all this.