Thinking About Confessing

[InvisibleLady]

NADGB –

 

Not an easy choice by any stretch. I don’t have a specific recommendation for you, but consider:

 

• Some posters who suggest not telling are themselves sitting on significant “time bombs”.
  
• Some posters who told lived to regret it.
  

You mention that you, your H, and AP all work together, yet you describe your risk of discovery as “low”. I’m not in your situation, but I suggest you rethink that. If I were in that situation I would think of my risk as “high”.

 

 

 

To the bolded comment above, please keep in mind what the OP was asking AND to whom she was asking it:

 

"If you are at least a year + from the end of you A And didn’t tell, what are your thoughts? Do you regret not telling?"

 

So those of us that answered from our experiences were asked to do so; the rest, while valuable to the thread, were unsolicited opinions. So naturally OP would expect our opinions to be biased.

However, I am not saying non-disclosure is right for everyone. In her situation I totally agree with you that her discovery risk is high.

[DKT3]

To the bolded comment above, please keep in mind what the OP was asking AND to whom she was asking it:

 

"If you are at least a year + from the end of you A And didn’t tell, what are your thoughts? Do you regret not telling?"

 

So those of us that answered from our experiences were asked to do so; the rest, while valuable to the thread, were unsolicited opinions. So naturally OP would expect our opinions to be biased.

However, I am not saying non-disclosure is right for everyone. In her situation I totally agree with you that her discovery risk is high.

 

She asked multiple questions in the opening post, those of which she didn't ask for any particular demographic. We have mods, let them do their job.

[Lewhawk]

When you come into the OM/OW forum discussing confession you will overwhelmingly hear that’s it’s selfish to tell your spouse. Couldn’t be any further from the truth, the affair was selfish, not the consequences. My xw had friends like these telling her that confessing would be wrong so it took me 9 years to find out on my own. At that point everything else was a lie cause tbh if they can keep a lie like that throughout everything then there’s no telling what someone like that is capable of and in my eyes there was nothing left to save so divorce was easy. Save your spouse the pain of finding out from someone else and tell him yourself, any excuses not to is just that, an excuse, to hell with all the talk of causing pain after the fact. I also saw one of the excuses was do you want your husband to not trust you, but um yea, he needs to not trust you, his trust of you is part of the problem.

Edited February 20, 2019 by Lewhawk

[elaine567]

My xw had friends like these telling her that confessing would be wrong so it took me 9 years to find out on my own. At that point everything else was a lie cause tbh if they can keep a lie like that throughout everything then there’s no telling what someone like that is capable of and in my eyes there was nothing left to save so divorce was easy.

 

Ok but had you found out early doors, would it still have been a divorce?

[pepperbird]

op\what other ws can;t give you, unless they have experienced it themselves, it the perspective of their bs.

 

 

You have a lot on your plate. Have you tired breaking it down a bit?

 

 

Pros of not telling:

- your spouse may never find out

 

- ignorance is bliss/what he doesn't know can't hurt him and all that

- your marriage may survive intact

 

 

 

Cons of not telling:

- if he finds out some other way, he will probably never, ever trust you again

-unless you have a dishonest streak in you, this will eat you alive and come out in other ways. Some who keep this type of secret finds it eats away at them, and they end up taking it out on their spouse without even realizing it. Resentment can grow.

-your affair will always be the elephant in the room, even if he doesn't know about it. You always will.

 

 

 

Pros of telling:

-you will have an honest relationship

-it's easier coming from you than anyone else

-you won't have to be afraid of him finding out

-it can be an opportunity to build a stronger marriage ( ti's kind of hard to do that at your own)

- you can begin the process of rebuilding trust

 

 

Cons of telling:

-you will shatter his trust

-he may decide he no longer wants to be married to you

-he may have a revenge affair ( it happens)

-he may become very angry and lash out at you, the om or even himself

 

 

You know your husband and his nature. You also know how much time has passed, the type of person you want to be and the type of relationship you want to have.

 

 

Taking all this into consideration, what do YOU think is the right choice for you?

[DKT3]

Ok but had you found out early doors, would it still have been a divorce?

 

I dont know that anyone can honestly answer this type of question. My wife asked me the same, had she confessed would I have still divorced. My initial response was oh of course. But, how does that explain that we later remarried?

 

I point to the time frame between her cheating and me finding out as the reason for the divorce. Had she confessed it would have been her cheating and me dealing with it without the lies self doubt and crazy making mind games I had to play try to make sense of her behavior.

 

I remarried her, so I'm leaning toward no, I would not have divorced her based solely on 5he infidelity.

 

Sorry I know I was asked, but I think it maybe helpful for OP to hear what some in her husband's position once felt.

[Lewhawk]

Ok but had you found out early doors, would it still have been a divorce?

 

Actually I suspected something over the years and at one point gave amnesty and asked her to lay it out and we’d move past it, she still lied, if she had been honest I would not have divorced over it. After that I was 100% sure she was being honest because she had no reason to lie, which is what made finding the real truth so shocking.

[NotADayGoesBy]

What does your therapist think?

 

He never gave an opinion one way or the other when I said I had an affair. Next time I see him I plan on bringing this up.

 

Although, I am starting to think I may need to change to someone else. He has helped some, but going forward I'm not sure how much more help he'll be to me. I'm not too into his style of therapy...but I hate the thought of starting all over and repeating the entire saga to someone new. I have nothing to measure it against so it's hard to say.

 

I'm sorry I started the thread and then haven't participated--the only 'private' computer I have is at work and I've been really busy. I have to use my phone at home and it's difficult to have privacy for any length of time. I do appreciate reading everyone's responses.

[NotADayGoesBy]

I think the bigger question isn't about confessing...but about figuring out why you cheated. If you can't answer that and address it, you are likely to cheat again. And perhaps get caught.

 

I am trying to address this. I mean, I can name reasons, but where I'm getting stuck is figuring out why some of those reasons are there. I'm still working at it--the answers aren't coming as quickly or easily as I'd hoped. But I believe you are absolutely right--the root cause which is within me has to change. I never saw this as something my H 'caused'.

[NotADayGoesBy]

NADGB –

You mention that you, your H, and AP all work together, yet you describe your risk of discovery as “low”. I’m not in your situation, but I suggest you rethink that. If I were in that situation I would think of my risk as “high”. Emotions make people unpredictable, particularly when it comes to romance. And AP could always show up drunk or on meds and blabbing. Stuff happens…

 

I second Bathtub row’s point about having a plan.

 

You are probably right that I have a false sense of security about low risk of being discovered. Actually, after re-reading what I have written on this post and others, I'm totally paranoid about OOW coming to this forum. I realize now that the situation is too unique that she would figure it out immediately if she read a few of my posts. She's a reasonable person, but when emotions run high....hell, I consider myself to be reasonable and level headed, but when I found out about her, I fell off the deep end emotionally and considered doing some bat-crap crazy stuff. I didn't--her secret is still 'safe' with me--but it bothered me that my emotions were so out of control I considered many different ways to make her affair known. I won't--it would hurt her stb xH and her children by making their relationship strained (right now it's very amicable). But the horrible thoughts were there and I can only imagine how she would feel if she knew about me.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Agreed.

 

Hindsight is 20/20, but you cheated with a man who is by every account, not a good man. I’m sure that he is very charismatic and you got swept away by the fantasy... but in the light of day, it was a poor decision to get involved with a man who works with both you and your husband, a man who is also carrying on other affairs at work. You placed your trust in the wrong man, most definitely.

 

The fact that you still pine for this man says it all, as it relates to where you are in your personal journey. You are still very confused, you don’t understand why it happened or you would have more conviction in your desire to rid yourself of this man and recommit to your marriage.

 

You're right about all of it. I find it upsetting, because I KNOW all of this, but my emotions are all over the place and not following what I know is correct in my mind. I'm trying to figure this out, because I now know it's not all about MM. Sure, I did develop feelings for him, but nothing that should warrant what I've been going through. Especially considering how short lived it was. I'm working on this in IC but so far....still not there.

 

Even sadder? He's not that charismatic or that charming or even that good looking.

[mark clemson]

I'm totally paranoid about OOW coming to this forum. I realize now that the situation is too unique that she would figure it out immediately if she read a few of my posts. She's a reasonable person, but when emotions run high....hell, I consider myself to be reasonable and level headed, but when I found out about her, I fell off the deep end emotionally and considered doing some bat-crap crazy stuff. I didn't--her secret is still 'safe' with me--but it bothered me that my emotions were so out of control

 

 

FWIW agree that having a fourth person in the mix adds more risk. The silver lining is that AP can focus on her (esp. if she's divorcing?) which helps you.

 

If it were me and I planned on not telling, I'd seriously consider trying to convince my spouse to move out of state or similar. Maybe an outside the box way you can extricate yourself from the situation will come to mind?

 

Consider that, given that NC is often a condition of R, if there is a D-day OR if you tell it is likely that you'll both want to not work there anymore. I have a hard time imagining that a BH would be ok either with the WW continuing to work with the AP or having to see AP himself at work. It's likely IMO that he wouldn't want either of you there if at all possible.

[BaileyB]

Even sadder? He's not that charismatic or that charming or even that good looking.

 

That is sad... I would hope that he would be, to make all this drama you are experiencing worth while...

 

In all seriousness, he is the symptom, not the cause. I hope you find the answers for which you search.

[Turning point]

The pointlessness of this argument is that the BS has as much right to their own denial as does the WS. It may be true that every BS senses on some level that the WS is liaising outside the marriage but, why is it the same WS who then gets to choose when and how much pain the BS must endure?

 

There is no universal prescription for saving or ending a marriage with compassion.

[standtall]

There is a difference between ALPHA and insecure emotional immature men, I believe that's confused a lot. On the surface the behavior can be the same.

 

 

That had nothing to do with what was said. I said most alpha males don't post to forums of this type. I'm not confused about anything....I stand by my opinion about this subject, and additionally assert that zona is stating opinion as fact just to push their point and projecting their anger onto a cheating spouse in the effort to ensure that the cheating spouse suffers the maximum consequences regardless of who else gets hurt. In this case it will be the husband and kids if they have them.

 

OP, in my opinion, if there is minimal chance that your husband will ever find out, and moving forward you can have a happy marriage until death do you part, then shut your trap and suffer the consequences of your guilt and save your husbands piece of mind.

[Turning point]

I trust that the BS has their own set of issues regarding the disconnect and decline in the marital relationship during the period of this affair. Whether they are aware of the affair, afraid to face the possibility, blissfully clueless, or themselves detached is something we don't know.

 

What I do know, is that the BS spouse WILL eventually address the changing states of their marriage and do that on their own timeline. The thing we can't forget is that while the WS was stepping out the BS may have already made some undisclosed decisions. Blissfully unaware is a description that works both ways.

 

It's not unusual for the WS to recommit themselves to a marriage their BS has already quietly decided they no longer want.

[Turning point]

I try to put myself in the position of the WS and for me, I would find living with the secret to be personally destructive.

 

While allowing my spouse the bliss of a happy marriage, I would be denying myself the emotional security and self esteem that comes with being truly loved by someone who accepts me knowing all that I am and have been. My fear is what kind of person will I become as a result of this duality?

 

As parents, we love our children that way and as couples we thrive in a relationship built on that same principal of acceptance. If we live two realities then we forego ever really attaining the kind of self love and reciprocation bred by acceptance.

 

Tough place to be. Because the very thing we hope to obtain by confessing is put into jeopardy when we actually do.

[pepperbird]

why is it the same WS who then gets to choose when and how much pain the BS must endure?

 

.

 

 

You don;t get it.

It's not the knowing that hurts, it's the affair. The damage has already been done. The ws already decided that.