edgygirl Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 What kind of things do you think are appropriate to share with someone you're starting to date and when? Let's say in the following phases, or so: First date/s / First weeks / First month / Second month... and so on. Background: I feel sometimes I get comfy with someone new when things are going well and I start telling them (some negative) things about myself that end up being TMI, too soon. Deep down I want to do it in the name of being honest about me, my life, my issues, my family, professional life, and whatever I think they should eventually know. But I noticed I overshared in my last almost-relationship and it didn't feel right. As side notes, I was raised without many boundaries in my family, which makes it harder for me to keep my mouth shut - not to mention I am a bubbly extroverted talkative person. It's probably a bad idea to vomit everything on the first dates, and that doesn't mean being inauthentic or lying. People need some time to like you for your positive sides until you start sharing whatever is not so neat in your life. Or do you see it differently - as in, holding important information or so? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Have you been in therapy? I find people who have been in therapy can tend to overshare. You hardly know them and they have told you about their terrible childhood, their employment disasters and their ex who was an alcoholic... Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 elaine - did therapy only briefly, about 1-2 years, after my divorce. Was probably the wrong type as it didn't help me much beyond having a listening ear when I needed it. I'm thinking more on the lines of things like an illness (that's not super serious, autoimmune), maybe talking about family, nothing disastrous... as I said mine lacked boundaries and also discipline at least with me as a last child - which I did tell a man I was dating on the third date after he told me his father was a control freak. Also things like I am not a great cook and not that interested in that, unless I am in a relationship with someone who's a foodie... probably not that attractive for a woman. I could cite many things here, none of which I think are disastrous, but are probably too much to be sharing on the first few dates. Also, I'm ENFP on Myers Briggs so naturally more emotional/open and less mega-rational/stuck up about things. That's not something I can change, but I probably can find a balance of being open but sharing less in the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I fell fast and my wife and I shared very intimate things fairly early on. I think if you have the right comfort level with a person there really is no oversharing. Frankly I appreciate people who can share their true selves it shows you can trust in them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 You are who you are and sometimes it is better to disclose things that may be dealbreakers early doors rather than get hurt later on when you confess them to people you are then seriously interested in and emotionally involved with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 You are allowed to put your best foot forward. If there are bad things about you, work to improve them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 Interesting MetallicHue. So you think if someone gets weirded out, they are probably not the right person for us? When I think about it, my LTRs were with people I did feel comfy fast. I was reading the entry below and I can imagine how someone feels when someone is vomiting things on them. I probably felt it myself a few times when someone overshared with me. Stopping your date from oversharing - Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 d0nnivain - I agree re: putting best foot forward. How about things you can't really improve, i.e. your family dynamics that probably screwed you up a little, or things about your past that you're not that proud of? elaine - How can I really know what someone's deal breakers are? Aren't they different for everyone? Hence I kinda start telling all my issues as soon as I can, not wanting to mislead anyone. i.e. The last man I dated told me he had a thing in the lungs for working on Wall St. around 9/11 area, so I felt comfy enough to tell him about my autoimmune illness. I can tell he was immediately weirded out. Go figure. People are weird. I know men in general don't deal well with illnesses though. Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 It's a dynamic thing between two people. You go by what you feel/get from the other person at that moment. He opens a bit and you reciprocate and so on. You look at him and you know when to stop talking. I wouldn't go at the same pace with every guy. So no hard and fast schedules. Failure to read the other person is incompatibility that often ends it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 Gretchen - I am very perceptive and used to think I could read people well. But to be honest I am not so sure anymore. I'm kinda hyperaware and think sometimes I perceive things in a way that is exaggerated and a little skewed if that makes sense. I think in the future I will just share less than I think I should share in every occasion. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Both my girlfriend and I were quite guarded about sharing about our family and other sensitive items. As far as past relationships, we really have no need to discuss those matters. Its in the past. I did have 2-3 questions about her previous marriage and she had one about one of my longer relationships. Those questions were asked, answered and they are behind us. For the record, we had been dating for quite a while (6 months or so) when we had that conversation. Early conversations consisted of college majors, work/jobs, travels, adventures, favorite foods, etc. nothing too deep or personal. My advice... dial back some of the personal/sensitive sharing. As for not being a good cook, my girlfriend could burn water while trying to make a cup of tea. SHE CAN'T COOK!! This is actually perfect, as I enjoy cooking for her and like trying new and different recipes. Although, cooking had nothing to do with my professional vocation in life, during my retirement it has crept to the forefront as one of my hobbies. You just need to find a guy who likes to prepare home cooked meals in his kitchen. I truly believe there is a lid for every pot, and "edgygirl"... your lid is out there somewhere. Keep looking you will find him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 Thanks Happy Lemming. See... that timeline probably makes sense. For some reason people tend to ask me about it within a few dates I also used to volunteer as I thought it was good to know why people broke up to search for red flags... now I know it doesn't really matter. For the record, we had been dating for quite a while (6 months or so) when we had that conversation. Burning water At least I know the theory about foodie stuff, I am just not that into preparing it. Two of my exes loved cooking for me and the last one was as lousy as me, but he was a moneyed lawyer and I was doing well too, so we ate out almost every night. Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I'm generally very open to people sharing things early - I see it as a signal that someone is comfortable enough with me to trust me. I'm OK with anything that doesn't really define the person - and I never judge anyone for things that they share, but I do make a decision whether or not to continue the friendship/relationship based on what is said. All that being said, I tend to avoid sharing too much unless the mood allows it. I tend to be fairly honest and not afraid of sharing negative things - I just don't because I'd much rather make the first part of dating fun rather than a drag. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 First date or three, you shouldn't share much. You should just try to be light and entertaining. It is never a good idea to tell people bad things about yourself, certainly not anytime soon. That's kind of on a need to know basis, unless it's something critical like you're dying or you have an STD or you're on heroin or something like that. I wasn't good at this, but most men do NOT want to hear about your past male interests, no matter if it's good, bad, or they're dead. A lot of them can't handle it. Certainly never talk numbers. Nobody's business. If they ask, say I've had three serious boyfriends and if they corner you about sex numbers, they're probably not someone you want to be with, period. Too controlling and judgy. You shouldn't even mention the "marriage" or "kids" word at all for months unless specifically asked. And it's never a good idea to say you just "want to get married or have kids" without including "if I find the right man." No one wants to be just a placeholder in your life plan. I have known some chatty men, but there's a lot who don't even want to hear the way a lot of us women can just go on and on. And even the chatty ones I knew, at least one of them didn't want to discuss who I was in love with or whether I was in a good place to move on from that to another guy yet. Chat about everything else, yes. Didn't want to hear about it. Just saying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Interesting MetallicHue. So you think if someone gets weirded out, they are probably not the right person for us? When I think about it, my LTRs were with people I did feel comfy fast.[/url] Well I would just say that they’re not at the same comfort level as you. But if you’re not on the same wavelength could be not the right person. I think this can be extended to friendships as well. I feel like at new job I can’t scratch the surface with people and I chose not to be as friendly with them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 Thanks everyone, great advice. Will be logging off for a few days and check back soon. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 d0nnivain - I agree re: putting best foot forward. How about things you can't really improve, i.e. your family dynamics that probably screwed you up a little, or things about your past that you're not that proud of? NEVER share that stuff on a early date. If your family dynamic is screwy keep your new SO away from your family as long as possible. When you have to introduce them, tell the new SO that that are nutty before you introduce them & keep it short. As for past sins, your new SO is not your confessor. Talk to a priest, your best friend, your mirror or your life coach to get passed that, not your new SO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Keep alcohol to the minimum during the early stage. I read from some of your other threads that you sometimes drank more than you should on your dates and ended up doing or saying things you regretted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Through the first 10 dates I would not be open about my problems or personal issues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 My family seems normal, the few dynamics are not that apparent, below surface, but you're absolutely right. Talk to a priest, your best friend, your mirror or your life coach to get passed that, not your new SO. JuneL you're right as well, I have totally lost my resistance to alcohol lately, even 1-2 glasses of wine can make me lose control. Thank you for being perceptive, remembering and pointing that out. It is indeed prob part of my oversharing at least sometimes. I read from some of your other threads that you sometimes drank more than you should on your dates and ended up doing or saying things you regretted. Simple Logic, thanks! That's the kind of advice I needed, that makes total sense. I'll make it a goal not to share personal issues on the first 10 dates. Through the first 10 dates I would not be open about my problems or personal issues. Gosh I've been online too much lately, will try to log off for a while. Thanks again everyone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CantGetEnuff Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 @edgy, I definitely think you are entitled to present yourself, "honestly, but positively" in the first 5-10 dates. By that I mean, present yourself as well as you can possibly can, without outright lying about anything. Let's face it, at lot of our "baggage" is stuff we can't control in the first place (diseases, family issues, etc). I don't think there's anything wrong with ignoring that stuff until the other person gets a chance to see how awesome where are. Then you can gently let the bad stuff trickle. Letting the bad stuff be exposed too early makes even the most awesome person seem like a huge red flag. Example, some of my family is CRAAAAAAZY. I mean...whew. If I were dating, that would be not be revealed for a long ass time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LurkerXX Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Get anything that may be bothering you off your chest before a date...whether that means exercise or talking with a friend. It makes you less likely to go on info overload when you do get relaxed and more in a conversational groove with someone on a date. Also, if there is a big thing in your life that just happened, plan for more time than you expect to deal with it. The 1st date after my dad died was.. not good. Cringeworthy..even. I should have been doing much more social non-dating stuff 1st, as being a caregiver can be pretty isolating. I needed to get back on my feet with a more normal life 1st. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I have always been attracted to over-sharers. Those that only stick to the safe topics, I walk away feeling blah. In fact, unless there is some over-sharing, I don't feel we truly connected. However, if in the over-sharing person says something that is a deal breaker, I won't see them again. But this is true even if I find out few months later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 What kind of things do you think are appropriate to share with someone you're starting to date and when? Let's say in the following phases, or so: First date/s / First weeks / First month / Second month... and so on. Background: I feel sometimes I get comfy with someone new when things are going well and I start telling them (some negative) things about myself that end up being TMI, too soon. Deep down I want to do it in the name of being honest about me, my life, my issues, my family, professional life, and whatever I think they should eventually know. But I noticed I overshared in my last almost-relationship and it didn't feel right. As side notes, I was raised without many boundaries in my family, which makes it harder for me to keep my mouth shut - not to mention I am a bubbly extroverted talkative person. It's probably a bad idea to vomit everything on the first dates, and that doesn't mean being inauthentic or lying. People need some time to like you for your positive sides until you start sharing whatever is not so neat in your life. Or do you see it differently - as in, holding important information or so? I tend to overshare quite a bit as well, there's no reason to see this as bad. If someone thinks it's too much, they probably can't handle your radiant fad. If someone is really into you, and you start to overshare with all kinds of stuff, I hardly think they'd quit, they'd take notes and remember, especially things like "I like cuffs". Link to post Share on other sites
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