Long distance relationship with a guy with severe depression

[d0nnivain]

Do you understand that this guy does not have the skill set or the EQ to live anywhere other than good 'ole USofA where his mommy will coddle him?

[renrewanim]

d0nnivain

 

Yeah I have thought that he's just lazy too. I don't know why I haven't left him, and not going to either but that's what I've decided.

Also thanks for sharing your experience, it must've been hard for you, and I can see why you want me to break up with him. But that's not going to happen. For now anyways. Even if my love couldn't save him, I know that it can help him somewhat. Because it has.

 

Thanks again for your help.

[renrewanim]

d0nnivain

 

Yeah I do, but that's for now, and now that he's actually trying to do more things, (just started to so don't know how long it'll last) I can't say for sure that he will never be in the state of mind that is healthy enough for him to move out of the us. If you think you already know he won't be able to, that's your opinion from your experience. But I don't know yet, because I don't have any experience like that in the past and everyone is different. 2 people having the same cancer, the same stage. One can survive while the other can't.

Edited February 22, 2019 by renrewanim

[Wallysbears]

How is this guy going to get a Visa to live in Japan or the UK? He's an American without a college education, no skill set and no job. How does he think he's going to be able to go ANYWHERE in the world and attain employment and proper work Visa's like that?

 

Have either of you given that aspect any thought? Because you can't just go and say "oh hey, I'm moving to X country" and just do it. There are legal processes to go through.

[d0nnivain]

You are getting something out of this. Maybe you have a savior complex. I know I can have one. Maybe you like the warmth of knowing he is there. Sadly you don't really know that; he could be lying to you playing on your sympathy & having a life with a local GF while stringing you along. Maybe you are hiding from something in your own life. Heck, LS is an escape for me.

 

Whatever it is, for now you have decided it's enough. As long as you are happy, who I am to critique how you come by that peace of mind? Just be careful. You are right that different people can have different outcomes but trust me after a life time of experience, my crystal ball is a little more accurate then yours.

 

Best wishes.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, I have considered it, movibg to the states. But as someone who hated the country all the way until I met him, I can't just easily decide to live there just because I wanna be with him. I don't hate the us anymore, but I don't like it still either. So I'm planning to live with in Japan for the first few years (if things work out), and move to Europe (again, if things work out).

 

Speaking as a foreign national who lives and works in the European Union on a valid work visa - this guy currently has no chance of even being able to submit the documentation necessary for the application.

 

It doesn't sound as though either of you really has a clue what moving and living abroad entails. Aside from all the other problems for a moment, you two really need to do your research.

[Mrs._December]

BayleyB,

 

Well, I have considered it, movibg to the states. But as someone who hated the country all the way until I met him, I can't just easily decide to live there just because I wanna be with him. I don't hate the us anymore, but I don't like it still either.

Well, if you hate the States, then why would you want to import such a horrible example of our country, like this guy, into yours? We're not all lazy liars who don't shower or brush our teeth, are too lazy to work and who use our 'depression' to our advantage. You're seeing the worst our country has to offer, not the best.

 

But good luck to you.

[BaileyB]

Indeed! Nothing kills the romance more than having to tell your partner to shower and brush their teeth everyday.

 

And further to expats posts, most countries will not give you a visa unless you have an education and bring specific knowledge or skill to the job. They are not going to allow an unemployed, uneducated, unskilled man to enter and stay as long as he likes... you most definitely need to educate yourself on what is required and how much it will cost to live and work in a different country.

[alexana]

break up isn't a solution

[renrewanim]

Alexana

 

Why do you think so?

You're the only one who has said it.

[renrewanim]

I regret posting on here.

 

People withOUT depression will not understand this, people on Reddit who have depression are more thoughtful. Even if you guys have experiences with guys with severe depression, it doesn't mean you yourselves have depression or are going to understand what depression is. I really feel sorry for your exes, who ended up killing themselves, thier lives probably could've been saved if they hadn't met you guys but different people who were willing to face the problem.

 

I'm not going to make the same mistake as people like you did. I can't be a saviour, but my love can mean something to him for sure.

 

God bless you.

Edited February 24, 2019 by renrewanim

[d0nnivain]

I regret posting on here.

 

People withOUT depression will not understand this, people on Reddit who have depression are more thoughtful. Even if you guys have experiences with guys with severe depression, it doesn't mean you yourselves have depression or are going to understand what depression is. I really feel sorry for your exes, who ended up killing themselves, thier lives probably could've been saved if they hadn't met you guys but different people who were willing to face the problem.

 

I'm not going to make the same mistake as people like you did. I can't be a saviour, but my love can mean something to him for sure.

 

God bless you.

 

No, what you resent is that everybody here didn't applaud you for being so self sacrificing & saving this poor man from himself. You want to be seen as noble & compassionate. It does take a special person to stay on in the role of caregiver to an ill SO.

 

However, here between his alleged health issues (which aren't even severe enough to warrant him being declared legally disabled); his refusal to accept responsibility for himself including getting medical care; and the distance with no possibility of closing the gap, the pragmatists around here are trying to encourage you to not waste your life.

 

You are still under the impression that you can love him through this. If you change depression to cancer, do you think loving him from the other side of the world while he refuses to get chemo would save him?

 

You read my story. What mistake of mine will you avoid making so you can save your guy from afar while I'll failed & he committed suicide? Remember my EX was under a doctor's care & taking his meds. He had a job. He showered voluntarily. Then he lied to me because that is what bi-polar people do. They can't accept the help so they lie. Please share, how will you overcome all this & succeed where I failed?

Edited February 24, 2019 by d0nnivain

[ExpatInItaly]

I really feel sorry for your exes, who ended up killing themselves, thier lives probably could've been saved if they hadn't met you guys but different people who were willing to face the problem.

 

I'm not going to make the same mistake as people like you did. I can't be a saviour, but my love can mean something to him for sure.

 

Where are you getting all this from? You have no clue who among the posters here has suffered from depression, nor what their experience with depressed loves ones is. To assume they've made mistakes and you're somehow above them again points to your lack of experience and general naivety with serious issues like this.

 

I get that you're angry and defensive you're not hearing the responses you wanted, and nobody is patting you on the back for trying to save him from himself, but you are making some baseless assumptions about the people who took the time to reply to you.

Edited February 24, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[clia]

What kind of a life do you see yourself having with him?

 

Let's walk through it.

 

He has no education, doesn't work, can't drive, can't help around the house, and can't perform basic personal hygiene.

 

So what does this mean for you, when the two of you are finally living together? It means you are 100% responsible for paying all bills. You are 100% responsible for all household tasks -- cleaning, cooking, maintenance, yardwork, shopping, etc. You are 100% responsible for driving him around. If you decide to have children, you will be 100% responsible for them as well. So, you do all of the above, and he will play video games or watch Netflix or does whatever he does to occupy himself all day long.

 

Unfortunately, this guy is not a functioning adult. He's a child. And he refuses to get help for himself. That right there is the real clincher -- he doesn't want to change. So, I guess if you are okay with all of the above, then there is nothing wrong with staying with this guy. I'm sure he's great to sit on the couch with and cuddle with, but it's also very nice to be with a person who can contribute to the household in a meaningful way.

 

Since you said he was better before he moved and there are no jobs in his area, why did he move in the first place? Can he move back to where he came from? You said he had friends there. Can he stay with one of them for a few weeks until he finds a job and place of his own? Has he done anything whatsoever to explore how he can fix/improve his situation? Have you asked him what he sees as a solution to this or where he sees himself in a year?

[renrewanim]

I just wanted to apologise to anyone I have offended.

This is my last post and I'm not coming back again. I don't need any more post from you guys either.

 

So please let this be the last ever post anyone will make in this thread.

 

Thank you for all your help, and let me apologise again for my immaturity.