likeastone Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Short back story, I have been in a bad marriage for 25 years. I got married in my early 20's, I was in a religious atmosphere at the time and everyone was getting married, and I thought that is what I was supposed to do in life. My wife and I had some good times, but most were just two people living together that were not in love, but loved each other. We started having issues about 10 years in the marriage, and started a bad habit of being married, but living separate lives. We started sleeping in separate bedrooms about 12 years in. I was not ever compatible with my wife sexually, she falls under the category of "once a month" sex drive. It caused big problems in our marriage, but I was stupid, and didn't know I had the right to expect more. I thought that was my life and I had to just deal with it. We went through a stretch of about 8 years where we were busy with life, moving, changing jobs, and had sex maybe 8 times a year or less. I of course turned to internet porn, and living a boring, unfulfilled, sad life. Our big problems started about 6 years ago, we finally settled down in a place we wanted to stay, but it was close to her parents, and I had not been around them much through our 20 years together. I started getting my life in order, had a good job, started taking better care of myself, working out, and in my late 40's I was in the best shape of my life. My wife, went the opposite direction, and gained weight, no longer cares how she looks, and continues to have less interest in me or my needs. The more time I spent around her parents, the more I noticed her mom treats her dad like a sad, stupid beta male, they live in separate bedrooms, I doubt have any relations, and he is treated like a child, even though he is in his late 60's. I started to get that feeling in my gut, my cheeks started burning,and my wife is treating me like her father is treated by her mom. So for 3 years we have been in and out of counseling, tried working on our sex life, attempted to spend more time together. All this has not changed much in our marriage. My wife is a good person, she has never cheated, and makes a good living, we both make about the same amount, she makes a little more. I can't tell you she is perfect, neither am I, but she does not love me like I need her to, she can't. We stonewall each other, go days and not talk, she has sex out of her knowing I am going to leave, and not because she desires sex. Funny thing is, when we do have sex, I can make her orgasm, I have learned her gspot over the years, but she still could care less, she does not, or has never masturbated, and has no drive, and refuses to even consider hormone therapy. So I know what my life is, and where it will be in 20 years. My wife will look more like her mother, who is obese, I will be treated like a purse holding beta male by her. And I will have a good life as far as cars, and nice house, and don't have to worry about my wife cheating, I will take nice vacations, and have a good membership to the gym. But every day my soul will be a little darker, my light a little dimmer, and probably lose myself along the way, worse than I already have. I try to leave my wife, but I have self diagnosed myself as having attachment injury, I get terrified when I try to move out, and panic. I don't know why? I love my wife the way I love my SIL, but am not in love with her. She can survive on her own, she doesn't need me, but I start feeling sorry for her, and panic when I try to leave. I can hear Coach Corey in my mind saying "be a man" and leave her, but I'm a scared little man in his early 50's that feels like a child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Dude, you gotta let her know that she has to make some permanent changes in her wife game, or your going to leave. Also, bring up couples counseling and see if she is willing to go...if not, use that as an example. Get into some counseling for yourself as well. BTW, she is faking the O's...most if not all of them. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 You've tried counseling, you've tried talking but nothing is changing. I think now, if you haven't, you need to tell her you are thinking about divorce. See what she has to say, if there is anything left to be tried to save the marriage. It seems that's unlikely, but you at least need to have that final conversation. Divorce is difficult, scary, unsettling and not a happy event. But once you get to the other side you are free to pursue the things that make you happy and give you (and her) a chance for a satisfying and fulfilled life. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 If you are that unhappy why don’t you divorce her? No one is forcing you to stay! Make a decision. You deserved to be happy. If you decide to stay then stop complaining... this is the way life will be with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Secondplanet Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 in a similar boat myself right now, got married in my early 20's and we had a wonderful life together for the first 10 years of our marriage but she grew distant from me and never told me she did so and i should have picked up on that signs but i was living in self denial i guess and also i'm a pretty oblivious person. I could have someone hitting on me in front of my wife of the time and she would be pissed off and i'll be sitting there thinking the woman was just friendly towards me. But its best to get a divorce. its taken me some time to get understanding it myself as its only been official for 4 days but in reality its been several months while she took a family leave to care for her late fathers estate. You can't force someone to love you and it will only hurt more the longer you live the lie. I'm seeing that now and and hearing stories that share similarities to mine makes me feel less alone. Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 (...) So I know what my life is, and where it will be in 20 years. My wife will look more like her mother, who is obese, I will be treated like a purse holding beta male by her. And I will have a good life as far as cars, and nice house, and don't have to worry about my wife cheating, I will take nice vacations, and have a good membership to the gym. But every day my soul will be a little darker, my light a little dimmer, and probably lose myself along the way, worse than I already have. I try to leave my wife, but I have self diagnosed myself as having attachment injury, I get terrified when I try to move out, and panic. I don't know why? I love my wife the way I love my SIL, but am not in love with her. She can survive on her own, she doesn't need me, but I start feeling sorry for her, and panic when I try to leave. I can hear Coach Corey in my mind saying "be a man" and leave her, but I'm a scared little man in his early 50's that feels like a child. You seem to have a pretty good awareness of you own mental landscape. A marriage where erotic love between a man and a woman is pretty much done for, and/or that there was little of it to begin with is statistically pretty normal. I don't think you're in a place where you're watching real life fly by from behind a glass wall, so to speak. What you're going through actually is real life. A very large percentage of Americans are obese. Your wife happens to be one of them. She agrees to have sex with you and even has orgasms but doesn't really want it all that much. Her father is a beta male her mother has totally pussy whipped. To one extent or another, that's what happens in a large percentage of marriages that last decades. Now, some people will disagree with what I've written. They'll come out and say their relationships are hot. That yours is a deeply unsatisfactory situation and that you should end it and seek happiness in the arms of another woman. Maybe you'd find it. Maybe not. But what I think is that even if you shuffled the deck a few times and everyone who was in a sub-optimal relationship changed partners with the aim of finding a better mate, there would be only a marginal improvement for most people and what little most people gained would not last very long. Most people just aren't that hot, particularly when they reach middle age and put on the kind of pounds many do these days. Could I find another woman to have somewhat better sex with than what I have with my wife? Probably. But at what cost? What you need to do is think through your options and their consequences very carefully. Talk to a lot of people, preferably online. What you're going through is what marriage is like for most men, most of whom *are* pretty beta. In many ways, it's a ****ty deal. But what about the alternative? Most guys do not have what it takes to be a successful player. What makes you think you have? If you remarry, how do you keep yourself from ending up in the same rut after some years? What about forgetting about women and going your own way? That can work for some guys. Those who are happy with that usually have some other major source of meaning and purpose to their lives than raising a family or end up struggling with an existential void of a kind. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 "be a man" and leave her, but I'm a scared little man in his early 50's that feels like a child. You might wish to consider taking steps to getting your 'psychological life' in order, to match your material-external-physical one. Clearly it would be unreasonable and/or self-defeating to carry on the next 20+ years of your life, going through life feeling like a scared little child. If you do not have, or cannot gain, access to a professional therapist, you can make great strides on your own, through self-directed development. Books, YouTubes, sites and articles that focus on cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) methods, exercises and outcomes could prove very useful. I also like this site, which outlines 'emotional IQ'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author likeastone Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 Dude, you gotta let her know that she has to make some permanent changes in her wife game, or your going to leave. Also, bring up couples counseling and see if she is willing to go...if not, use that as an example. Get into some counseling for yourself as well. BTW, she is faking the O's...most if not all of them. We have been to 3 different counselors, the first she fired the first meeting, the second lasted about 4, and the third was OK, but she basically told me that she was surprised I lasted this long, in front of my wife. None of them helped us, most the damage is too deep for either of us to change. She could be faking, but I doubt it, she doesn't care that much. Either way, I am not being prideful, was just a point that when she has sex, she seems to enjoy it 60-70 percent of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I think you have to make some decision about what matters most to you in your life. You don't mention any children? ..or are they all grown? What do you want? Sex? Love? A true Friend? Money? Family? Work? When you know what it takes to fulfill you then you'll know what has to be let go. I've lived through what you describe and even worse because my STBX was also very abusive and a serial cheater. What mattered to me more than anything was my children and I did what I had to do to guide them through that. Knowing what I wanted made it easier to deal with the absence of communication, trust, sex, or any acknowledgement that I was a human being. I didn't need her to define who I am - and you also need to stop measuring yourself against her reflection. Being an "alpha" has nothing to do with getting laid, or being a player. It means you're able to stand on your own two feet, and you remain unbreakable in your personal identity. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 (edited) So I know what my life is, and where it will be in 20 years. My wife will look more like her mother, who is obese, I will be treated like a purse holding beta male by her.<snip> Having seeming tried everything (wow, three rounds of MC!), I wonder if this thought has occurred to you - not just you, but she might also be happier with someone more compatible? It sounds to me like you're both wasting what remains of your lives. I'm all for marriage, but sometimes you just have to decide it hasn't worked out. You could stay another ten years and it sounds as though nothing would be different. At some point, your desire to change has to be greater than your desire to stay the same... Mr. Lucky Edited February 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author likeastone Posted February 19, 2019 Author Share Posted February 19, 2019 (edited) I think you have to make some decision about what matters most to you in your life. You don't mention any children? ..or are they all grown?<snip> There are no children, so that's not an issues. In this order, I would like A true friend, love, sex, not worried about money, and I have no desire to start a family at my age. Edited February 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 (edited) With no children in the mix, that is a huge plus. That is the reason most people stay in a bad marriage (myself included.) If I were you, I would tell her exactly what you want from life - a true friend, love (and sharing a bed), sex (more than once a month), etc. Also, I don't think there is anything wrong with addressing the weight (health) issue by offering to support her in maintaining a more healthy life style. If she exercises, eats right, and gets more fit, she just might find she'll feel more sexy and desirable. Work out with her. If after sharing those feelings, she still isn't willing to make changes and meet you half way, then you have a decision to make. As far as marriage counseling, it sounds like she doesn't want to speak to anyone who is going to find fault with her and wonder why you have stayed this long. My marriage counselor (whom I have been with for three years - and I am STILL talking to her bi-weekly though we are separated) has said you need to give marriage counseling at least 10-12 weekly sessions, then bi-weekly for as long as it takes. Best of luck. I know I waited WAY too long in life to finally realize that I deserve to find happiness for myself and I was never going to find it by always doing what was best for others. We only get one life to live. Edited February 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts