She broke up our particular relationship

[steveg8]

Hey, I wanted to ask an advice for my particular story that ended up after 1 year and a half. I met this girl and we started seeing each other as friends with benefits. But after some time it has been more than just that. We texted every day and we became very intimate. I helped her a lot with her problems, and during the last year we were always very close, even if I never wanted to make things officials.

 

We texted every day, went out together and did everything like a couple even if it wasn't official cause I didn't want to. I think she was in love with me for a long time, but I wasn't ready for that. She always told me that she finally trusted a guy and there was no rush into defining our relationship (even if I know she wanted more). In the last 3-4 months I realized I loved her and wanted to be with her, but when I told her 3 months ago she told me I waited to long and she see my as a friend now. And didn't want to have sex with me for the first time.

 

 

After that we kept on like before, texting every day, and we spent holidays together and we also slept together sometimes. After the holidays we couldn't see for a while and we kept on texting everyday even if she was a little colder than before. And when we met again 2 weeks ago she definitely closed with me, and it came out that she was seeing someone else since 2 months. But she went on holidays with me and slept with me in the same period.

 

Before we closed I even wrote her a letter, and talked a lot but she didn't give me any hope about being together. And she told me that she feels good with this guy now. But how can is it possible since we slept together like one month before during our holidays? How can she be so sure about this other guy?

 

Now I am in no contact since 2 weeks. And I think it's the best solution. Just wanted to ask some advice. Why did she act like that?

Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

When you start out as FWB & the rules change, it's hard to predict what will happen next. It doesn't make a ton of sense but the fact remains that when you wanted a relationship she decided to stop everything. NC is your best bet. Let the other guy have her.

 

Going forward if you now want a relationship, state that up front.

[preraph]

This is why FWB things don't usually work. You thought she was in love with you. She was strong enough to figure it wasn't going anywhere and kept dating, as well anyone in an FWB relationship should. And she fell for a guy. The relationship started fresh without the stench of FWB and all that infers, all that "I don't like you enough to really commit" stuff. That made her feel good.

 

It might or might not last, of course, since it's still early. But that won't change the baggage an FWB relationship brings.

[healing light]

The relationship started fresh without the stench of FWB and all that infers, all that "I don't like you enough to really commit" stuff. That made her feel good.

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly. If your perception was correct and she did fall for you long ago, she probably convinced herself that your lack of commitment was toxic to her. It feels like crap to be in that situation. You realized your feelings for her too late. A guy who lets her know she's the real deal from square one and doesn't take a year and a half to appreciate what she has to offer will always win out if the woman is of a healthy mindset.

[steveg8]

This is why FWB things don't usually work. <snip>.

 

I know she was in love with me. No during last year she didn't kept dating anyone. She told me that several times that she didn't anyone else but me, and I believe her. Probably in November, when I was away for one month, she wasn't sure anymore about us and she met this guy. And then when in December we went in holidays together she still felt something for me and so she slept with me and acted like we were together. And when we came back from holidays, she saw him again and choose him.

 

 

When we kinda broke up, She told me that I was always like that I didn't want to take commitment and she convinced herself that we can be just friends. Now she told me that she still wants me in her life, but that I don't have any chance to have her back.

What should I do? I am doing no contact. But I want her back.. What should I do? Just no contact and hope?

Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[steveg8]

I agree with this wholeheartedly. If your perception was correct and she did fall for you long ago, she probably convinced herself that your lack of commitment was toxic to her. <snip>

 

You are right. But even if I didn't want to take commitment, I was always there for her. Helped her when she was often sad, comforted her and so. And she always recognized me that, and that finally she trusted a guy. For me it was like we were together.

I know I messed up, but I can't believe she feels nothing for me anymore. I mean, she wanted that for so long, and now I can give it to her. I am crazy for her.

We left without arguing or something, and she told me she wants me in her life.

What can I do? Being friends can be an option? Or by doing that I am forever in friend one no matter what we had before.

Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[steveg8]

Up

 

What should I do? Is no contact good?

We are not talking since the day she closed. I hoped that she would have texted me since she told me she still wants me in her life. And since she always told me that I was so much important for her, and that she wasn't used to be treated well by men and so she wouldn't have messed up between us. And since I met her family for 15 days just two months ago..

I am trying to understand what she is thinking now.. If she is still thinking at me especially after all we had and considering how much she was involved in our relationship.. Or is she cancelling me like I never existed

[Redhead14]

I'd bet that she was settling for FWB when she really wanted a relationship. I'd bet that she thought that if she had sex with you, you would change your mind. When you didn't it, hurt her and turned her off. So, she turned her interests elsewhere. How is it possible that she like another guy even though you two slept together recently? She'd been seeing him for a little while. She was not your girlfriend, you weren't committed to her, so she went on dates with other guys. And, she's over you. That's ok.

 

When you know that a girl really likes you to start with, it's not a good idea to mess with her by having sex with her knowing you weren't really interested in her as a possible girlfriend. Just because you changed your mind months later, doesn't mean she's going to wait for you . . .

 

Is she cancelling you like you never existed? I'd bet that her now, real boyfriend, wouldn't appreciate her keeping in touch with a guy she used to sleep with as an FWB. You missed the boat dude. Sorry.

Edited February 20, 2019 by Redhead14

[Highndry]

She has a new boyfriend now - a real one, not an FWB. You only have one option, which is no contact. There is no point in talking to her. If she contacts you, politely tell her you want a romantic relationship with her and that is all, that you're not interested in friends or FWB anymore. That's it, the ball's in her court.

[preraph]

You didn't want her when you had her. The relationship is poisoned by your letting her know over and over you didn't want her. She moved on and it's the healthy thing for her to do. You should leave her alone and let her be happy.

[steveg8]

I don't think this guy is her boyfriend.. They are just seeing each other, and she slept with me a couple of time while we were in holidays with her family 2 months ago so I can't believe it's something so serious.. And she was already seeing him at that time.

Then why have sex with me if she was already seeing this guy? And why acting like boyfriends with me with her family if she was already seeing another guy?

[Highndry]

I don't think this guy is her boyfriend.. They are just seeing each other, and she slept with me a couple of time while we were in holidays with her family 2 months ago so I can't believe it's something so serious.. And she was already seeing him at that time.

Then why have sex with me if she was already seeing this guy? And why acting like boyfriends with me with her family if she was already seeing another guy?

 

 

Because you are a fall-back option in case things don't work out between them.

[basil67]

She may have had feelings for you earlier, but your repeated rejection of her love eventually squashed those feelings. When a woman's love is gone, it doesn't come back.

 

No contact is wise, however be aware that the goal of NC is to get over someone. She will simply focus her attentions elsewhere - as should you.

[preraph]

Once someone tells you they don't love you, you never can get the feeling back that you had when you hoped it would turn into something.

[steveg8]

She may have had feelings for you earlier, but your repeated rejection of her love eventually squashed those feelings. When a woman's love is gone, it doesn't come back.

 

No contact is wise, however be aware that the goal of NC is to get over someone. She will simply focus her attentions elsewhere - as should you.

 

I never rejected her love cause she never told me she loved me. Yeah I made mistakes but every time she needed I was there for her. Always. And she always repeated that, that I was special for being always there for her.

Yeah, She would have like to commit but she also told me we didn't have to make anything fast.. That I was special, that she trusted me. That finally she founded someone who treated her well and that she wouldn't have messed that up..

[Genie1108]

You told her repeatedly that you don't want a relationship with her, over many months. You kept her as a friend when you knew she wanted a relationship. It's almost as if you want her so much more now because you can't have her.

[assertives]

Right from the get go, you both wanted different things out of this relationship. She wanted a committed relationship, but you did not. She probably knew this and still had feelings for you, hence she settled for a fwb arrangement with you - probably thinking you would change your mind.

 

You mentioned you were always there for her when she's down and when she needed someone, that's what friends do for one another too, it isn't necessarily love. When you did all these for her, was it because you loved her? She tells you that you are special and that no one has ever "treated her right" because that's exactly it, she hasn't experienced a guy who was there for her when she's down, maybe at that time she thought this must be love or that you must have some feelings for her.

 

It doesn't really matter how long she's been dating or knows the new guy. If from the get go, he pursues an exclusive committed relationship with her then it wouldn't need much time at all for her to realise all that she's had with you the past 1.5 years was just that, friendship with benefits and not love, which will not lead to anywhere - something she told you as much too.

 

It seems she has found the courage to let you go. I think you should let her go too. Her telling you that she still wants you in her life may just be her way of letting you down gently.