MW wants to be friends [Was: Help me understand]

[dupedforreal123]

<Link to latest February 18 update>

 

I am married and had mostly EA - with OW who is also married. Lasted approx 1 year and has since broken off. I fell in love and am extremely heartbroken. During A I tried to break off several times - I always felt like 2nd best to her. I think she was unhappy in her marriage but content. She would however talk about a life with me a few years down the road once the kids got older. Looking back I was much more invested in the relationship than she was.

 

She confided in me often the major issues with her DH and her unhappiness. Towards the end I could feel her pull away some but never fully let me go. I would often tell her that what she was living was a fantasy with me and would cry if I said that. I could never fully let go either as I considered her my best friend. During this time she always stated she would never have another child with DH due to their issues in the marriage. 2 weeks ago I told her i loved her but this time she didn’t say it back.

 

The next day she could tell I was hurt by the no response and said she couldn’t say it because she felt guilt after she went home. She also said she couldn’t continue to hurt me by not saying it - but still continuing to talk about a future together. I was extremely hurt and told her that you can’t have both. Then bam! The next day she came in and told me she was committed to working on her marriage and that A was over. She then told me that her DH and her would start trying to have another child. I was crushed and still am in a lot of pain. My heart hurts. I feel used. Can anyone explain how someone can do a complete

Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting, add paragraphs, merge two threads

[TooBad]

Yes, I can explain it. It's called making a decision. Apparently grown up people do that sometimes.

[Naivewomen]

I am going through the samething. When you figure it out please let me know. I feel ur pain!

[dupedforreal123]

Anyone out there? I could really use some insight.

Thank you in advance.

[FMW]

Her feelings didn't change for you, they were just not enough to make her leave her marriage for you or agree to continue with such an unhealthy relationship (affairs include lying, cheating and sneaking around, there's no way they can be healthy).

 

You felt like second best because you were - she clearly wants to stay in her marriage, with her husband. She wants that more than she wants you. She was, maybe still is, not happy or satisfied in her marriage but the fact that she remains is what is important. Actions say it all. Words are cheap and meaningless without the action.

 

It hurts, a lot, I know that very well. But that's the price we pay for knowingly and willingly making the bad choice to be in an affair.

 

Focus your attention, energy and emotion on your own marriage. Either work to fix it or get out of it. Not having this other woman is going to force you to face the reality, without having a connection with her to buffer whatever you feel is wrong in your marriage. Deal with your marriage and either find fulfillment there or divorce and be free to seek it elsewhere with someone who is single and available.

[Abetterme]

@OP - I am sorry you are hurting and empathize as I am going through many of the same feelings myself as my XAP ended things 5 weeks ago.

 

I am sure this ending is painful for her as well, but she is choosing her family unit over you and that is crushing even as we know it is the right thing. When I got into the relationship with my xMOM he was newly married and I had a young daughter. I got so deep in the fog that I couldn’t imagine having another child at the time but I can imagine for some women the biological need to expand family can outweigh a lot. I have some anger, mainly at myself, that I let my A stand in the way of doing so with my husband but it is yet another consequence of my very poor choices. My husband was also very happy with our single child. Had he felt differently I would have probably made the same decision as your OW and pulled out of the A.

 

I am not proud of this whatsoever, but my xAP had a child while we were still involved. We broke off when they were newly pregnant and he came back, and I fell back into the A as I was so weak and selfish. After his child was born our dynamic changed dramatically, as it rightfully should have. He was putting his child first and I was not doing that on my end. It is horrible and I have a lot of shame about this. I can assure you that watching someone you love have a child with someone else is the most horrific pain. I wish more than anything I had remained in NC when we broke last spring and not put myself or he through that. I know you don’t see it now, but by moving on now you will be saving all involved, especially yourself, a tremendous amount of anguish.

 

It is not easy, but if you love her, let her go and focus on your wife. I remind myself of this daily. We had our time to be selfish, now it is the time to be selfless.

 

Have you gone into NC?

[dupedforreal123]

Thanks to those of you have replied. I am a mess right now emotionally - why do I feel so cheated? I have this powerful feeling in my head that the decision she made is going to make her life great again. That it will be all unicorns and rainbows for her moving forward while I will sludge thru a wasteland of muck the rest of my life. She was my best friend and she chose another path.

 

Have any of you felt this way?

[Abetterme]

Haha! I have those exact thoughts every day and the more you read though these threads you’ll understand you’re not alone in those feelings.

 

I would encourage you to start thinking more about your spouse and your relationship. You don’t discuss your dynamic at all and are hyper focused on your xMOW. Do you wish to stay in your marriage? When I have these type of “fears”

or selfish thoughts about my xAP I try to force myself to switch gears and on something I want to improve about myself for my husbands sake. You’re deep in the fog, but think about how your wife would feel if she knew about your A?

[Naivewomen]

@a better me. Your right!!! All I do is focus on him and his happiness without me. Have u been able to reconcile.?? Are u happy again?? This is all I want to know. Will I ever be happy again in my marriage?? Will it be enough to sustain now after all the emotions of another?? Another that you really believed you love.

[elaine567]

She, like people often do, weighed up her options and she decided that having a child with her husband and fixing her marriage was far more important and real, than sharing nice times and living in a fantasy world with you.

I will sludge thru a wasteland of muck the rest of my life

Doesn't sound exactly positive and I guess your wife isn't too happy either with a husband whose mind is elsewhere...

You are a married man, you cannot rely on other women to make your marriage more bearable, you need to think carefully about what you truly want to do with your life.

[whichwayisup]

Then bam! The next day she came in and told me she was committed to working on her marriage and that A was over. She then told me that her DH and her would start trying to have another child. I was crushed and still am in a lot of pain. My heart hurts. I feel used. Can anyone explain how someone can do a complete

 

She didn't emotionally invest as much into you than you did into her. Her marriage, life and husband, the history she has with him, the glue that binds them together was stronger than what she felt for you during the affair.

m together was stronger than what she felt for you during the affair.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks to those of you have replied. I am a mess right now emotionally - why do I feel so cheated? I have this powerful feeling in my head that the decision she made is going to make her life great again. That it will be all unicorns and rainbows for her moving forward while I will sludge thru a wasteland of muck the rest of my life. She was my best friend and she chose another path.

 

Have any of you felt this way?

 

May I ask why you let another woman get close to you? Calling her your best friend? Isn't your wife supposed to be your best friend and partner in life? What's missing inside of you that made you choose to have an affair? Were you planning on divorcing your wife if the OMW (other married woman) wanted to divorce and be with you?

 

Do get counseling to help you figure out your life, sooner or later you'll need to figure out if you're happier alone or if your marriage is worth fighting for.

 

Also don't compare what you felt for MOW vs your wife. Affair feelings are more intense and taboo and addictive. It's unhealthy and I'm betting many of times you felt severe ups and downs with your emotions during your A. And during your marriage was more even keeled and content.

[dupedforreal123]

Haha! I have those exact thoughts every day and the more you read though these threads you’ll understand you’re not alone in those feelings.

 

I would encourage you to start thinking more about your spouse and your relationship. You don’t discuss your dynamic at all and are hyper focused on your xMOW. Do you wish to stay in your marriage? When I have these type of “fears”

or selfish thoughts about my xAP I try to force myself to switch gears and on something I want to improve about myself for my husbands sake. You’re deep in the fog, but think about how your wife would feel if she knew about your A?

 

We have always had a bad marriage. I have never considered her my friend as we are just totally two different people when it comes to well everything. We do not fight or argue but we don’t communicate either. She is very controlling and it’s her way or the highway - she always has to be right. There are a lot of things I have asked her to change about herself and just says “I will change when the time is right for me”. I get that people have to change on their own but she never does. I have become a doormat of sorts. I no longer desire her - we haven’t had sex in the last 14 months. I am currently in counseling to sort thru my issues. If divorce was easy I am sure everyone would do it - there is lots of things to think about. 1) vows - I made a commitment 2) kids 3) financial 4) can I handle being on my own. Thoughts?

[It'sSmiley]

I'm not sure what type of answers you are looking for, because the content you provided is rather vague and we don't have a lot of detail in your post to go on. If you want to provide this thread with better input to your problem, then I can offer my assistance. As is; I really think you should have seen it coming. You are both married and both cheating on your respective spouses. It was inevitably going to blow up sooner or later, just be lucky that there is not much drama in this situation and not sure if your partner knows of your infidelity, but maybe for you that's a blessing in disguise.

 

Next time just know better than to get involved with someone who is unavailable and make sure you're single, too, because when you lack integrity, you'll get the bottom of the barrel "handouts" life can give you and that means basically that you get nothing or next to nothing.

 

Provide us with more context, though so we can offer more feedback on your problem.

[FMW]

Yes, divorce is very difficult. But that's no excuse to stay miserable and allow yourself to be a cheater. Unless you had very unusual wedding vows, you've already broken them. There is nothing sacred left in a marriage where infidelity has taken place.

 

There's no way your children are not affected by your unhappiness and lack of healthy relationship with their mother. Some might disagree, but I don't see that it's noble to stay in a marriage where you are unfaithful "for the kids".

 

As far as financial - yes, that's a tough one. But is keeping your financial status quo worth the unhappiness and cheating? You can rebuild your finances in most cases.

 

As to being on your own? Again - is it worth the unhappiness and allowing yourself to be a cheater in order to have your wife as a roommate?

 

It's easier to put all your focus on pining for your lost love than to do the hard work of fixing (that seems unlikely from what you say) or ending your marriage.

 

As long as you give yourself a pass on this you're going to remain miserable.

[dupedforreal123]

Yes, divorce is very difficult. But that's no excuse to stay miserable and allow yourself to be a cheater. Unless you had very unusual wedding vows, you've already broken them. There is nothing sacred left in a marriage where infidelity has taken place.

 

Look I understand that it’s wrong. I didn’t go out looking to have an affair - it just happened. And I get it Karma has come my way - it still doesn’t lesson how I currently feel. Please don’t judge as I get it - I am in counseling. And I am working thru the process.

Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncated quoted material.

[FMW]

I've had an affair - I'm the last one to judge you. I also have been through divorce.

 

I firmly believe it's in your best interest to face reality and stop letting yourself swim around in nostalgia for the OW. I say this from experience.

 

Being smacked around here by other posters has helped me in my journey to heal and move forward. It hasn't always been pleasant, but it's been very helpful.

[Amethyst68]

You say the last time you had sex with your wife was 14 months ago which seems to be about the time your affair you were in the affair and fallen for your AP. That's quite a coincidence. I wonder if the marriage was really quite as bad as you remember through the fog of the affair.

 

If your marriage is bad then deal with it, no matter what the situation your wife does not deserve to be cheated on.

[norudder]

Affairs don't "just happen" btw. There's a level of self awareness you've yet to obtain if you say otherwise. There was a series of micro decisions and actions you permitted yourself to make (and not make) and lack of boundaries.

[Vivir]

duped, why do you feel used? Serious question.

 

Did you two not use each other, in the strictest definition of the word "use"?

 

You mentioned that you fell in love but that you always felt 2nd best. It seems to me that you entered into a toxic dynamic where proving your love to this married other woman (and hoping to be rewarded by becoming first in her love life) became confused with actual love.

 

Based on what you've written, she used quite a bit of future faking with you. And you were correct; she was fantasizing heavily. When you pointed out the truth to her, it made her cry. That is what doses of reality do to people in affairs... shines a mirror on the situation so that said situation can be seen more clearly by the participants. But then... how much future faking did you do? Were you not fantasizing heavily?

 

Perhaps you were willing to leave your partner to be with her? If you were, then you probably need to leave your partner like yesterday. If not, what were you truly hoping would happen here?

 

You say you love her, that she is your best friend. When we love people, we want the best for them. If she feels that what is best for her is to refocus on her marriage, then you show love to her by respecting her decision. If she claimed to love you, she would not interfere with your marriage; she would gracefully bow out of the affair as a corrective action. And then... she would not pretend to be your friend while collecting attention from someone pining away for her...

 

Take the focus off of her and put it back on yourself (and your primary relationship). What were you really hoping for here? How realistic were your hopes? If we cannot control the decisions other people make, what are you going to do now that she has made this decision?

[Naivewomen]

@dupedforrel123.

This is exactly my marriage!! Now we feel like we have nothing!! We clung onto our AP for them to kinda save us from our sinking ship the problem is their ship was afloat. Unfortunately, you and her had very different agendas. This is exactly how my affair turned out as well. Now I feel like I will never be happy again. It's a terrible feeling. I know exactly the highs you received and well you are simply missing how she made you feel. It's a tough one and there are no simple answers. The only thing I can say after several months NC is take care of you. Find distractions outside of your marriage for now. Give yourself a mental break. Take a walk, go to the gym, get a massage and etc. This was traumatizing on the brain. I feel and felt major trauma. I havent grieved like this EVER!! I'm so very sorry for your pain.

[Turning point]

All I do is focus on him and his happiness without me. Have u been able to reconcile.?? Are u happy again?? This is all I want to know. Will I ever be happy again in my marriage?? Will it be enough to sustain now after all the emotions of another?? Another that you really believed you love.

 

The keyword that gets a person out of this funk is the same one that got them into it: Believing.

 

Emotional affairs are just a set of constructed beliefs. We choose a fantasy and grow it in the space created by the situational distance.

 

Looking at ourselves is hard work. Fantasizing about someone else is an escape, a Cinderella story of our own choosing.

 

Choose to believe in the life to which you already hold ownership. Change is something we make, not something we find.

[dupedforreal123]

Affairs don't "just happen" btw. There's a level of self awareness you've yet to obtain if you say otherwise. There was a series of micro decisions and actions you permitted yourself to make (and not make) and lack of boundaries.

 

I don’t disagree.

[Arieswoman]

duped,

 

 

I didn’t go out looking to have an affair - it just happened.

 

 

As long as you have this mindset you'll never move forward.

 

 

You need to own your own $h!£, take responsibility for what you did and go foward from there. You've a long way to go, I'm afraid...

[minimariah2]

1) vows - I made a commitment

 

WHY did you make a commitment?

 

marrying someone you never considered your friend is a huuuuuuuuuge mistake, a huge lapse of judgement. people usually don't make such an important decision without, at the very least, feeling that it's the right thing to do AT THAT MOMENT.

 

you say you've always had a bad marriage, meaning you've always had a bad relationship overall. so what on Earth did compel you to make a commitment?

 

you're a grown man, it's about time you start taking responsibility for your own actions. nobody held a gun to your head while you were chosing the woman you married, nobody held a gun to your head while you had an A. and your AP didn't just "happen" to land on your d*ck. come on now.

Edited January 27, 2019 by minimariah2