MW wants to be friends [Was: Help me understand]

[elaine567]

I care very much about his happiness and have told him that we are missing so much. Neither one of us knows how to reconnect. Not sure its even feasible.

Well it is never going to be feasible as long as you keep grimly holding onto that torch for your MM.

I really do not get it.

He has gone back to his wife

 

He just used you to make his marriage more bearable.

Yet here you are professing undying love for him to anyone who will listen...

Get real.

[dupedforreal123]

@ naive - Does your AP wife know? Your husband?

[Naivewomen]

@duped for real. She found out about a year ago and only things it was an emotional affair. We stayed together a year longer. So that's why I thought he truly loved me. My H doesnt know.

[pepperbird]

@naive. What do you mean she doesn’t get me? And I know this is going to sound selfish but I think you will understand when asking. Why did she choose her marriage instead of a life with me. I’m sure you have asked yourself the same question.

 

 

The easy answer is that she needed something and you supplied it. When I say that I don't mean she sat around purposely planning it all out. She might not have even been aware she was open to having an affair.

 

 

That's the thing. Her ending the affair wasn't about you...it never was. It's about her and what she felt she needed to do to have the type of life she wanted. She wanted "something" outside her marriage, and sadly for you, you are the guy she chose to provide it. Now, she either no longer needs whatever that was, found another way to get it or decides she can live without it.

 

 

You could be king of the world and it wouldn't be enough. That's what I mean by her ending the affair really isn't about you.

[pepperbird]

@duped for real. I understand all about that. Needing time to process before seeing if marriage can work. This is traumatizing to the heart and soul. Not many can understand the heartbreak feel. I do. I have ur back!! Keep posting I will keep following. Talk therapy helps but I am not sure how much because I havent dismissed my feelings for MM. I'm expecting it to take awhile. My husband is not on the back burner either. I care very much about his happiness and have told him that we are missing so much. Neither one of us knows how to reconnect. Not sure its even feasible.

 

 

Madam,

This is just my experience, your may be different.

 

 

I can't be involved with two guys at once. I never could, even when dating. It's just not in me to be that way. It's like I can romantically love just one person at a time.

 

Is it possible that's the way you are? if so, until you can work through the affair aftermath. can you really, honestly say your heart is open to your husband?

 

also, try that box idea. if you need to, you can even use an actual box ( or a virtual one if all you have is messages online). Put all the mementos of him into it and only look at them for the time you allot yourself. The physical part makes a difference, as it's something you have to do before grieving. It forces you to think before and after, and it also adds a touch of inconvenience. Oddly enough, that can make a difference in the grieving process and helps prevent ruminating. It also puts you in control.

[Naivewomen]

@pepper bird. That exactly who I am. I simply cant give myself to two men. It was impossible and now it has ruined my intimacy with my spouse the emotions for me have changed. It's not the same experience. I am trying my best to keep moving forward. I would never ever go back to MM. I saw a thread on here of a women that wasted 10 years of her life pining for the MM. My heart aches for her especially that shes single with no family. Once I'm healed my job will be to help all the OW that belive it's something special. It's really not at all. It leaves u feeling less of a women when before this I was confident and etc. The attention and etc is addictive but very harmful. I have learned alot. I do and am dying to reopen my heart to my spouse I'm just struggling with the heart pulling in the wrong direction. I hope to let go sooner than later. I don't like the pain I'm in. I miss me being happy.

[pepperbird]

I miss me being happy.

 

 

I will ask you and the OP the same questions.

 

 

What do you need to be happy? What can YOU do to make that happen?

 

 

Since you are both coping with a similar situation, I will make the same suggestions to both of you.

 

 

 

Try reclaiming the bits and pieces of your life that are still int he affair. By this I mean, say for example, you and your AP went out to a certain coffee shop. As hard as it is, you need to reclaim that place. Invite a good friend who you can always count on to have a great time to go there with you. Reclaim the place by creating new, non-affair memories.

 

 

 

If you feel like you can;t get your mind out of the affair, occupy yourself some other way. Is there a club, group or activity you have always wanted to join? It may sound crazy, but if there is a "high adrenaline" activity, give it a shot. It's good for the grieving mind.

 

 

When you are ready to begin reconnecting to your spouse, do the same. Reclaim the places that you used to enjoy with them. Join a class with your spouse, something fun or something meaningful to both of you.

 

I understand you may be feeling heartbroken, but that's not going to last. Broken hearts never do, If they did, we'd all be sitting around in puddles of our own tears. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going. If you trip, take some time to figure out why and what you can do to keep that form happening in the future. Again, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going.

 

 

 

One day at a time. In the meantime, try this to help reconnect with your spouse. Find a blank journal and every day, write down something positive about your spouse. It can be something nice the did, a pleasant memory, a dream for your future with them, and read it over at the end of each day. Keep it up for several weeks and then give it to them to read together. Sometimes, we need to remind ourselves about the good stuff.

[dupedforreal123]

@naive. Did u end affair or did he?

[Naivewomen]

@duped for real. I did. I couldn't handle the lows were outweighing the highs. He was pulling back and I could no longer handle the emotional rollercoaster. The pain is not as intense now that I know his intentions. Had he not future faked me and stringing me along I would have ended it years ago. He knew it was the only way that I would hang on with a shred of hope. Very unfair. I was too heavily invested. It's still an emotional rollercoaster and now I'm on the ride alone. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm trying to bury this and put it in an affair box but its easier said than done.

[dupedforreal123]

@naive. In your opinion how is he handling? Sad indifferent angry?

[Naivewomen]

@dupefforreal. He was very angry in an email he sent to me. He was basically upset that I no longer would accept the crumbs. He recently called me and saw me like 2 weeks ago. Telling me he misses me and will never stop loving me. But remembered to reiterate that hes never leaving his family. It was at that moment that I almost laughed in his face. I think at this point there is no real sense in trying to see me anymore. He knows that I would believe it was more for extra sex and nothing more. My feelings and my pain were never asked. He did say he was sorry for hurting me and this I believe. I will not allow him to be a cake eater no more. I have to fight through this horrific pain now. Ughh

[Bittersweetie]

Why did she choose her marriage instead of a life with me.

 

Duped, maybe you missed my post, but again, here is my question:

 

Duped, what was your choice? Were you going to choose her instead of your marriage? And if so, how did you see that looking?

[dupedforreal123]

@Bitter. Yes I would have left my marriage. The wife and I have already discussed this. How would have looked - well from the AP point of view not very good. I know she held some guilt about the whole thing. She also comes from a nationality where divorce is very frowned upon. She was extremely petrified of letting her family down about divorcing. I think she also thought about her kids - so I’m starting to see the light. It’s just tough to understand a radical change in her behavior towards me. Can you help me understand?

[elaine567]

...she held some guilt about the whole thing.

She also comes from a nationality where divorce is very frowned upon.

She was extremely petrified of letting her family down about divorcing.

I think she also thought about her kids [/qUOTE]

 

 

^^ so where exactly did you see this going?

Edited January 30, 2019 by elaine567
fixed qote

[DKT3]

@Bitter. Yes I would have left my marriage. The wife and I have already discussed this. How would have looked - well from the AP point of view not very good. I know she held some guilt about the whole thing. She also comes from a nationality where divorce is very frowned upon. She was extremely petrified of letting her family down about divorcing. I think she also thought about her kids - so I’m starting to see the light. It’s just tough to understand a radical change in her behavior towards me. Can you help me understand?

 

When I was in the middle of this affair mess my brother told me I was looking to prove what i already knew happened didn't actually happen..i believe you already know the answer to why, you are just not willing to accept it.

[dupedforreal123]

@DKT3. I believe your right. I keep wanting to believe it was something flawed in me or something I did to change her thought process. I want to believe she felt like she was backed in a corner and the safest place for her to go was to remain where she was at and try to make it work. She didn’t want to shame her family. Am I going down the correct path ya think?

[Naivewomen]

@duped for real. Nope.. when you love somebody you are willing to move mountains. You were and she wasnt. Not everyone has the same agenda.

[dupedforreal123]

@Naive. What do you think her agenda/thought process was? Can you maybe give me an idea? She told me she loved me - that I believed.

[Naivewomen]

@duped for real. I dont doubt that she loved you. I just believe in my heart that it's simply not enough. She sounds confused and is looking deep within herself. Give her time and space if it's meant to be it will be. She already knows how you feel. Keep proceeding forward... he told me he loved me for years every single morning noon and night. I too believed but what does that even matter. Just words...its the actions that have more meaning. I understand ur pain. Keep reading posts from others. It's a very common theme on here. Like others have said affairs play a certain script and once u are out of the fog you will understand.

[BaileyB]

It’s the actions that have more meaning. It's a very common theme on here. affairs play a certain script.

 

And this woman’s actions, she has clearly chosen to stay with her husband and her family. She could not betray them anymore. Everything that she said to you or promised you is irrelevant, because she has made another decision and chosen her family.

 

I’m sorry. It’s the bottom line and you need to find a way to accept that.

[Mrs._December]

If divorce was easy I am sure everyone would do it - there is lots of things to think about. 1) vows - I made a commitment 2) kids 3) financial 4) can I handle being on my own. Thoughts?

I laughed at the "I made a commitment" statement because you've already violated that 'commitment,' so there's that. Secondly, it's usually always for financial reasons that most cheaters won't leave and the fact that you wouldn't know how to be on your own is also right on the money. I've always maintained these are the two biggest reasons why most men will cling to what they perceive to be a marriage made in Hell rather than sack up and actually do the hard work of leaving.

 

And that's why, as most cheaters do, you're not going anywhere because it benefits YOU more to stay in this supposedly rotten marriage than it does for you to leave. Not a surprise at all. Most cheaters are selfish and self-entitled right down to their core and will usually do what's best for themselves.

[Mrs._December]

Be happy for MW for choosing to stay in her marriage or angry that she led me on all this time? What is best?

The only guy who has the right to ASK this type of question is a teenage boy who wants to know why the girl in his English class led him on, or a SINGLE man who thought he had something solid with a woman and found out he really didn't because she'd led him on.

 

When you're MARRIED however, you don't get to play that game like you're some kind of victim. You made a series of choices, MANY choices, in order to become involved in an affair. You ALLOWED that entire thing to happen and you don't get to blame your affair partner for 'leading you on' when you weren't IN a position to be led on in the first place. Your bad choices and lack of integrity in chasing this little fantasy are yours and yours alone to OWN. So own them and stop blaming the big bad OW for your foolishness.

[dupedforreal123]

I agree but still doesn’t change how I feel right now. Later down the line I will feel different.

[pepperbird]

op,

You indicated she couldn't leave her marriage because her culture was so down on divorce and she'd be so ashamed.

 

 

Really, think about that for a while. She's terrified to end her marriage because of shame, yet she risked imploding it in one of the worst ways possible by having an affair?

 

 

That doesn't even make any sense.

[dupedforreal123]

@naive. If I may ask - how is your reconciling going with ur husband? And also do you love your husband? If you do what does that mean to you? My AP said she loved her husband but wasn’t in love with him? Can you explain?