In-laws disowned us and refuse to see newborn

[Lollypoppy]

I’m one week postpartum and in tears because my in laws have disowned my husband and his family (me, 3yo daughter, and 1 week newborn daughter). They said they would see the 3 yo but not the newborn. They said they don’t want to fall in love with the newborn so they refuse to see her.

 

I’m distraught because they are the only family we have in the area and I feel so sad for my husband who will not have a relationship w his parents and for my two small kids who have grandparents that won’t see them.

 

The background is MIL has always been controlling and hard to please. I typically let it slide but once I had 3yo she disrespects our parenting decisions and treats me like i am beneath her. An example is 3yo will throw her toy and we sternly tell her it’s inappropriate, MIL will chime in and say we are too harsh and treat 3yo unfairly. When Dd was a baby, Ml would grab baby from me when she was crying.

 

Most of the stuff I ignore but I have asked DH to speak to his mom on occasion, like the baby snatching.

 

A few months ago we had an argument. 3yo was fussy so I said let’s check her temperature and MIL (mother-in-law) grabbed her and said no come to grandma. Then DH (dear husband) and I took her back and sure enough she had a fever so I’m prepping to give her medicine when MIL (mother-in-law) grabs her AGAIN and said a NO stay w grandma. When DH confronted her later she said she just wanted to calm DD down first. Later on 3yo dress up and I say “aw you’re mommy’s princess” MIL chimes in with “No, she’s grandmas princess” (ugh eyeroll). I had enough so I asked DH (dear husband) to speak w mil.

 

DH (dear husband) asked Mil to 1. respect our parenting, and gave specific examples and 2. Do not snatch the upcoming new baby from my arms. Mil said she’ll try, but she’s the grandma and loves DD (dear daughter) so much she does t see anything she does is wrong. DH (dear husband)suggest a cooling off period.

 

Fast forward a few months and I give birth to DD (dear daughter) who is 1 week old now. We FaceTime them and sent photos of Newborn. MIL (mother-in-law) didn’t come to FaceTime and they never responded to the photos or announcement.

 

Yesterday Mil emails me and DH (dear husband) stating she never understood what she did wrong but that she just loved DD (dear daughter) very much but never thought of herself as a babysitter. She doesn’t want to see our newborn bc she doesn’t want to fall in love with him and be treated as “just a babysitter”.

 

FYI (for your information) - they used to babysit DD (dear daughter) once a month while DH (dear husband) and I ran errands. This was THEIR request so they can spend time with DD.

 

DH (dear husband) goes to see them in person and mil (mother-in-law) has a ****ing list of all the slights I did to her. For instance I used to make gift baskets and be more attentive and now when I go over there I’m not helpful. I always offer to help w dishes but she shoos me away. I don’t make gift baskets anymore bc now I have a kid am busy, but I do send them gifts for special occasions and holidays.

Another slight was I did not wear the traditional culture dress she bought for me to DD 1yo birthday. Mind you, we had a whole bday celebration in MIL culture which costed $1.5k! She NEVER told me she wanted me to wear the damn dress. When DH (dear husband) told her I’m not from the same culture and it’s unfair to expect me to do and know these things, she responded it was his duty to tell me. DH said he doesn’t know either! He’s born and raised here and is very Americanized.

 

MIL proceeds to belittle my husband and say he’s a terrible son, comparing him to her friends son who calls and takes her out often. She resent that he didn’t care when she had a fall (recently). DH texted every week but she never responded and fil didn’t give any information. DH has always helped them when needed (handyman work, computer work), but he is busy, works a demanding job, has a wife and kids and we don’t live nearby.

 

So, those are a few examples of why she cut us off and disowned my husband. They still want to see 2yo but not newborn. How is that fair? DH (dear husband) told them the kids are a package deal and if they don’t want to see newborn they’re not seeing 2yo either. DH is heartbroken bc he feels his mom is discarding our new child, she can’t put her hate and pride aside for her grandchildren.

 

I’m sad bc I want my kids to have grandparents who love them, and I want my husband to have a relationship with his parents. And I feel responsible bc I asked DH to talk to his mom about her behavior- and the response was to disown us all.

 

I guess I want to know what should I do? DH said we didn’t make the decision, they did, and even if they change their minds, he’s not welcoming them back.

 

Bringing a new child into this world is suppose to be s joyous occasion and we want to share it with family, but the only family local to us are the in laws who don’t even want to see the baby. I am an emotional wreck with the hormones and exhaustion, and now dealing with this.

Edited February 18, 2019 by Lollypoppy

[Garcon1986]

Sorry to hear you are in this horrible situation.

 

If the inlaws dislike you that much, it's a matter of you and your husband sticking together for your two kids - now it's time to make that bond stronger than ever.

 

What about your own parents Lollypoppy? Are they helping with the new baby?

 

And can you share what culture you are from? This will help us give better advice.

[preraph]

Your MIL, it's her way or the highway. She'd rather sull up and not see her kids than respect that it's your child and respect your ways. I wouldn't put up with her crap either. Every time she snatches that child, she's basically saying, You are not a good mother; I am better than you, and totally disrespecting you and your husband.

 

Good for him for standing up to her. She's acting like a baby herself. A spoiled one.

[elaine567]

I think if you want to have the inlaws in your life then you are going to have to accept her email "peace offering" and try to mend things for everyone's sake.

 

You hurt her, she hurt you. You and your family need her in your life and

she needs you and your family in her life too.

 

Time to smoke the peace pipe.

Life is far too short.

[healing light]

Totally disagree with the person's advice above. This woman is selfish, manipulative, and unreasonable. I wouldn't cater to these demands nor create a complex between your children that one is favored more than the other by the grandparents.

 

I am really happy your husband has your back and that you guys can present a united front. Many find themselves with husbands who throw them under the bus when push comes to shove with old family dynamics.

 

I think it's best to focus on your immediate core family and to let this woman sit in her decision. Manipulations won't be catered to... if she wants to come back around, I think she needs to take some responsibility, apologize, and act like a decent human being. Do you really need her around to control your parenting and your marriage? If you acquiesce to her, this is the message you'll be sending when you're not in the wrong, imo.

[Mr. Lucky]

DH said we didn’t make the decision, they did, and even if they change their minds, he’s not welcoming them back.

 

Agree with every thing your husband says - except the last part.

 

My younger brother's wife had a fairly spectacular falling out with my Mom, painful to see because he felt very much caught in the middle between the two of them. Lots of things were said, vows were made ("never again..."), veiled insults were tossed.

 

Eventually cooler heads prevailed, driven largely by Mom's desire to see her grandkids. I'd guess the same thing will happen in your case, given enough time. You can stand up for what you believe and still keep the door open, just avoid words like "never" and "always".

 

I hope things work out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

It is good that your husband stood up to his mother. She sounds like she can be a nightmare. My mother in law lived with us for 3-4 years. She interferred with our marriage and our parenting. I was always very open with her about my feelings and I think you should be too, especially since it sounds like these are the only grandparents near your children (and studies have shown that children do better with access to their grandparents.)

 

What I found with my MIL was that she would back down if I stood up to her toe to toe. I was always loving and respectful. I would tell her "I know you did things differently in your time and they worked for you. I need the freedom to do things my way and I need you to respect that."

 

While it is very important for your husband to support you and defend you against his mother, I think your voice will go a long way toward building her confidence in you and building your relationship with her.

 

Mend those fences while standing your ground.

[preraph]

I'm not saying cut all ties, but honestly, I wouldn't want her having frequent influence on my kids because of the way she is. She'll teach them to disrespect you. I certainly wouldn't lean on her for childcare -- ever. I'd get that elsewhere, because that's where some of her entitlement is coming from. I wouldn't leave the kids with her unless you or your husband are there. I just think the more involved she is with them, the more she'll try to take them over. What if at some point she decides to call CPS or something to take them over completely because she thinks she does a better job? No.

 

I know some people (mainly grandmas) are of the opinion a child cannot survive without their grandparent, but my generation, grandparents didn't take care of grandkids that much. I never once stayed with either of my grandmothers unattended by my mom or dad. They never ever tried to interfere or anything when we visited. They were well glad to be done with having kids to care for. One of them had 13! She did not give a crap about any kid unless the kid was predisposed to do housework for her or be helpful some way. ack then, other people were allowed to tell you what to do if you're in their house, so she might say, "That's my chair" or "We're watching Lawrence Welk," but that was the extent of it.

 

It was nice being around them sometimes, but mostly just because you were seeing a past way of life, like the one with 13 kids was out in the middle of nowhere on a working farm with horses pulling the plow. That was an adventure. The other was Native American/French and I liked to see what she had in her house and kind of liked her, even though some people thought she was mean and griped about her. I wasn't around her enough to see that side -- and that's kind of my point. That's a GOOD thing. You see your heritage a little in them, but you don't have to experience the full experience your parents went through and are still going through with them. It's always nice to be out of town from in-laws.

[spiderowl]

Your MIL sounds like a selfish,controlling person who never learned how to behave. In mitigation, she probably had a different kind of upbringing. Older people's families often did not have the benefits of good parenting advice from experts or the internet to learn from so tended to grow up with the particular quirks of their own families.

 

I can understand that you and your husband feel very hurt. I think in this case, you need to treat your MIL like the controlling child she is and just leave them to it. Leave the door open but do not make overtures. Let them realise what they are missing and approach you in a conciliatory fashion.

 

Time does repair a lot of damage (or at least make it fade). I feel if you wait this out, they will come round. If they don't, well it shows a lot about what kind of people they are. I agree with your husband that their behaviour is not acceptable and that it is not up to you and your husband to try to make things up with them. Leave things be for a while.

 

It is worth bearing in mind that you have only just given birth (I am sure you have not forgotten this!). You may well be suffering hormonal changes and depression as a result. Everything might feel too much at the moment. If this doesn't improve, then please talk to a doctor, but for the moment, I would just focus on you, your lovely new baby and your daughter and husband. Take care of each other and leave the in-laws to mull over their choices.

[Turning point]

Look, your MIL shutting you out is a one-way street. Her decision, so let her live with the consequences. You can have boundaries, not yield on them, not chase your MIL, and still have an open door should she choose to return AND respect you.

 

The only loser in your MIL's game is herself. You still have all the power to raise your kids to be respectful of other peoples boundaries, and to have their own respected as well. For a controlling MIL - having no control - is a self inflicted punishment.

 

Let her stew in her own juices for a while, and when she does return (and control freaks always do) make it very clear to her what you will and won't tolerate. When she steps out of bounds you need to be firm and let her know you will disengage with her if she doesn't adhere to your boundaries for YOUR family.

 

It's not enough to simply have extended family. You need emotionally healthy and supportive family. Don't let toxic people into your life, even if they are family. Set appropriate boundaries with respect to their behavior, and then enforce them.

Edited March 16, 2019 by Turning point

[Lollypoppy]

Well thanks everyone for taking the time to reply and give your advice.

Husband and I went to a Christian counseling session where the counselor echoed a lot of your same thoughts. She said I didn’t do anything wrong, for my husband to not resent me, and said MIL cutting us off is an attempt at control. She urged us to maintain boundaries if MIL wants to reconnect. I sent her an email pretty much stating I hope her health improves (she had a fall), and that our door is open.

So far no contact from them and I am not holding my breath. The email was more for my husband, since I do want him to eventually have a relationship with his parents but that’s out of our control at this point, and no contact is better than toxic relationship. I’m actually enjoying this time with my newborn free of MIL control and baby snatching. There are moments of sadness like when we celebrated my baby’s 1 month with my relatives who flew in, and nobody present from husbands side, I felt sad for my husband. But we are moving on with our little family and even my toddler is not mentioning them as much. She used to tell me she misses papa and grandma, but that has lessened.

[Mr. Lucky]

Truth is, it's her loss and her damage to mitigate. I'd continue to keep the door open with things like cards or notes on birthdays, Christmas, etc. Remember, rather than scorched earth, you're looking for win/win...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lollypoppy]

Okay so everyone was right FIL contacted husband at the request of MiL and told him how MIL is doing poorly health wise. She’s got a whole slew of medical issues but nothing serious or life threatening. They are guilt tripping husband into letting them see our kids. All of a sudden she now wants to see her grandkids (who she rejected just a few months earlier when when baby was born). Anyway, husband met with them and told them we are open to sitting down and talking to hash things out and set boundaries. MIL refuses and said she doesn’t want to see me, JUST the grandkids, we don’t need to be present. Husband told her this was not happening, if she wants access to the grandkids we must be there and talk things through first. She refused and cried. They asked if they could at least FaceTime to see the kids. FIL said she’s undergoing surgery and it would lift her spirits to see the kids.

 

Husband asked my thoughts. I am 1000% livid and raging. We are opening our doors and trying to give them a second chance but she refuses to deal with me. MIL is still the same narcissistic controlling self absorbed monster, but only now she wants to see the grandkids again. I asked husband why he wants our kids to have a relationship with someone so toxic, willing to discard him and his family. In MiL mind she is perfect and superior, so her snatching the baby from my arms or undermining our parenting is righteous. I have so much hate and anger towards this person I honestly don’t know where to begin. Husband asked if I’d be open to letting them see the kids via the phone, but I’m still on the fence.

 

On one hand I know husband is concerned about his moms upcoming surgery, but why should that matter when all she does is bring toxicity to our marriage? Should I be the bigger person and let them FaceTime? I also feel indignant that she doesn’t have the balls to talk to me like an adult but goes behind my back and tries to get husband to let her see the kids.

[darkmoon]

MIL knows exactly what she is doing. Do not let her cause you and your husband to quarrel. Must be tricky for him, but yeah, face time for now, but later you two need to establish boundaries.

 

 

 

She "cried"? That bit is suspect. I'm 66, we oldies don't cry over this. I see manipulation, a bit of acting. Or even mental health problems, dramatising so.

 

 

 

Was she okay when you two were just dating?

[Lollypoppy]

MIL knows exactly what she is doing. Do not let her cause you and your husband to quarrel. Must be tricky for him, but yeah, face time for now, but later you two need to establish boundaries.

 

 

 

She "cried"? That bit is suspect. I'm 66, we oldies don't cry over this. I see manipulation, a bit of acting. Or even mental health problems, dramatising so.

 

 

Was she okay when you two were just dating?

 

Yes she’s extreme manipulative and I’ve witnessed her using her medical issues and tears to get others to bend to her. We suspect she has mental issues but nothing diagnosed, supposedly she’s going to a counselor or something to get help.

 

She was actually okay when we were dating but they also didn’t live here at the time, only moved back once the first grandchild was born. The first instance was the day after we got married. I was supposed to pick them up to go to brunch, I was 15 mins late due to road work. They walked to the restaurant and when I got there, apologizing profusely, MIL said in front of everyone “when I say I eat at 10am, it’s 10am, NOT 10:15!” I was in disbelief. Husband made an excuse that she was diabetic and hangry, but I should have realized that was her horns rearing it’s ugly head.

[Mr. Lucky]

I also feel indignant that she doesn’t have the balls to talk to me like an adult but goes behind my back and tries to get husband to let her see the kids.

 

While I get why you're angry, you've veering dangerously close to making this about you. I don't see how a video chat could hurt and it takes some of the pressure off your husband. Be the bigger person...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The Outlaw]

Somebody like that who wants the world to bow to their every whim isn't a good person, and it's best to limit your interactions with them, or avoid them. I know you said you want your husband and children to have a good relationship with them, but she's just so toxic, it isn't the best idea. She obviously isn't very happy, and she wants everyone else around her to share her misery. That isn't the type of person anyone would want their children around.

[preraph]

All she's doing is manipulating. Don't give in at all. How dare she. You don't need your kids influenced by that toxic crap. No way you let her just take the kids. I hope your husband realizes if he gives in to her, he's picking her over you. When you're married, you have to make your spouse the one who gets the most loyalty and control anyone who's out to get them. She has not earned seeing your kids and trust me, your kids do not care and won't care as long as you don't get them started.

[darkmoon]

If you have to see her ever: possibly be robotic, because as MIL is playing with your emotions, so she is upsetting you. Robotically polite, no emotion, like people who work in retail, we wear a straight-faced mask dealing with the public, politely smiling occasionally, not that we really give a damn.(retired now)

Edited June 8, 2019 by darkmoon

[preraph]

People like that, if you act like you think they're funny and laugh at them, it drives them crazy. Not taking them seriously.

[whichwayisup]

DO not cave. Rules are, if she wants to see her grandchildren you and your husband must be present with them visiting. None of this she wants nothing to do with you. She doesn't call the shots. Sorry she's ill and all but it doesn't give her the right to manipulate and be a bully.

[anika99]

I mostly agree with the posters here but I do have another perspective as well. You're MIL sounds just like the MIL my mother had to put up with when she married my stepfather. She was a condescending, controlling manipulative b*tch. She would try to be somewhat nice and civil when my stepfather was present but when she was alone with my mother she would turn into a bossy offensive narcissistic monster. When my mother gave birth to my half brothers her MIL thought nothing of taking control and voicing her disapproval of the way my mother did things.

 

I don't recall her ever refusing to talk to my mother or saying she would only see the kids without my mother present but if she had I think my mom would have been relieved. She hated her MIL's visits and would have been happy to skip them altogether. As I became older she (my step grandmother) began to treat me much the same as she treated my mother. When I had my own children her visits were full of criticisms for me and everything I did. I simply could not measure up to who she wanted me to be. I can't even remember which of us stopped talking to the other first but by the time I was 30 she and I had nothing to do with each other anymore.

 

But....She loved her biological grandchildren and even though I wasn't her biological grandchild for some reason she loved my kids too and considered herself their great grandmother. When my kids were babies she mostly just b*tched and criticized me from the sidelines but once they got to be around 3 or 4 she began wanting to spend time with them. She wanted to have them for weekend visits at her house. Fine with me. I didn't want to see her anyways. I knew she took safety seriously so I knew they wouldn't be in any physical danger. I also knew she was strict on rules and good habits so I knew that they would eat well, brush their teeth and mind their manners.

 

I have to admit that as horrible and controlling as she was to me and my mother, she was a good grandma. The kids loved her. I was a single parent and poor. She was well off and as much as she didn't like me also didn't like to see my kids go without. She would take them in the summer to buy them clothes for the upcoming school year, she would take them out to places I couldn't afford, she bought them their first bikes, took them on vacations and gave them experiences they otherwise might not have had. As they got older they realized that she was a difficult person who was overly judgemental and hard to please but they loved her anyways because she was so good to them. I guess it helped that I had boys because it was woman and teenage girls that she seemed to hate but she treated boys and men like they were kings.

 

Does all the good stuff she did for my children excuse her deplorable behaviour towards me and my mom? No it does not and if I had it to do over again I might not be so accommodating regarding access to my children. I was weak back then and easily intimidated by her. however I can't say I regret it either. My kids wanted to spend time with her and as much as I hated her, I loved them more. My kids are grown now and they still have fond memories of the time they spent with her when they were children.

 

I say do whatever feels right for you and your family. If you feel that there is no way you can allow this woman around your children and your husband agrees with you and supports you then that's all that matters. I just wanted to share another perspective.

[BaileyB]

I take a slightly different view from anika. My grandparents were nowhere near this controlling but they liked to use emotional manipulation to get what they wanted. I learned from an early age that this was their MO and I always held them at arms length... it was hard, because my one set of grandparents loved me unconditionally while the other, liked to manipulate and put conditions on the love they offered. I feel for your kids as they grow older.

 

I think the answer is to do exactly what you are doing, put some boundaries in place and stand by them. I would be cautious about leaving the children alone with this woman. It’s hard to imagine a woman who is willing to give up a relationship with her children and grandchildren because she is unwilling to respect a healthy boundary, and yet - here you are. I’m sorry, I hope things improve with time...