Joblot Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 (edited) Me and my girlfriend of three years have recently broken up. None of us wanted it too, but we became increasingly frustrated with the relationship and ultimately we stopped seeing each other and both of us stopped putting effort in. We mutually agreed that the only option was to go our separate ways. We agreed to keep in touch and said we'll be in touch soon. She also said that in a few months who knows but in the meantime we have broken up. My question is, does the heart grow fonder? I didn't really want to break up but I couldn't see any other way to improve things we were just going round in circles, however since we have stopped talking, I'm reflecting on all the good times we had, the joy she brought to my life and I just wish we could be back together. What do I do? We only split up a few days ago, I haven't got in touch with her and I think it's best we don't speak for a while. I'm just wondering if anyone has ever realized that once your relationship is over, no matter how bad it became you regretted it. And has anyone ever got back together? How should I approach her? Should I get in touch or is it too soon? I said I'd like to keep in touch and she said of course we can , and said I'll speak to you soon. I honestly think we just need a reset but I don't know how she herself feels. She blamed herself for everything and getting things wrong even though I tried to explain to her it's not her fault, yes I was frustrated but a relationship is two people. I just hope that this time apart, she may realise what we had was good. Edited February 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Cersei Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 The heart definitely can grow fonder. In about 2 weeks you may find yourself very lonely. However, during that time you can also forget all the bad parts of the relationship too. Carry on with your life for now and do things you have always been meaning to do. And if she reaches out then talk with her. But enjoy this time to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joblot Posted February 19, 2019 Author Share Posted February 19, 2019 (edited) Thanks I already wish I was back with her, I miss her. Her saying that image few months who knows has to be a good thing? She said we will speak soon. I don't want to message her too early and come across needy. I also want to give her time to think, hopefully she will remember the good times we had. Edited February 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 If someone is really and truly done with the relationship, absence will not make the heart grow fonder. I speak from personal experience, only having broken up with men when I sincerely wanted to move on. What were the problems that couldn’t be worked out without breaking up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joblot Posted February 19, 2019 Author Share Posted February 19, 2019 (edited) She thought we grew apart, we stares arguing quite a lot. We text everyday all day and I think things just got dragged down. I think she took some things the wrong way and so did ii was trying to explain my feelings about how i felt about the relationship and she took it all personally, blaming herself. I explained that more quality time together would help and it did...she realized we were still good. Unfortunately things slipped again and we both became frustrated and agreed the only way was to stop as we couldn't see any other way. I just hope this time apart will maybe help us remember the good times. Edited February 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post, fix spelling, add paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 The heart doesn't grow fonder in a break up situation. Not talking to the person is usually a relief. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren87 Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 Like everything involving people, there is no one answer. So the poster above me saying “no it doesn’t” is totally wrong. It all depends on the person. Sometimes no contact makes them face the reality of the break up, they feel the loss of your presence & they realise that it’s not what they want. Other times it helps them get over it. For example my ex dumped me 3 months ago, it was a ‘clean’ break up (she still loved me etc) and I haven’t spoken to her since that day....however I haven’t heard a thing from her & I know I never will. But then on the flip side in a previous relationship the total opposite was true. So what I’m saying is, there is no definite answer, it can go either way. So don’t listen to the people who say definitely yes or definitely no. They aren’t the person in question so couldn’t possibly know. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 You can start missing the person in the short term, but, in the long term, you forget someone. Out of sight, out of mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joblot Posted February 19, 2019 Author Share Posted February 19, 2019 Like everything involving people, there is no one answer. So the poster above me saying “no it doesn’t” is totally wrong. It all depends on the person. Sometimes no contact makes them face the reality of the break up, they feel the loss of your presence & they realise that it’s not what they want. Other times it helps them get over it. For example my ex dumped me 3 months ago, it was a ‘clean’ break up (she still loved me etc) and I haven’t spoken to her since that day....however I haven’t heard a thing from her & I know I never will. But then on the flip side in a previous relationship the total opposite was true. So what I’m saying is, there is no definite answer, it can go either way. So don’t listen to the people who say definitely yes or definitely no. They aren’t the person in question so couldn’t possibly know. Thanks. She said we will talk again. I think we just need time to clear our heads. We've become so far deep we can't see what we had if that makes sense. I want to give her some space, but I also want/ need to tell her how much she means to me. If there was a chance we could try again I would. But I don't want to come across needy, or smother her and pour my emotions on her too early. Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 I've never forgotten anyone I seriously dated. Some of them I wish I could forget, but that's a different story... Some people have one experience, others have another. Personally, I find that the pain and anger tend to fade a bit over time and become softer. At least for me, I find that the feelings that I had for that person become softer and less present, if that makes sense. I still think about them, even years and years later, but mostly I remember good things or things that I liked about the person. I do have one ex that did so much s****y stuff that I have a hard time remembering his good qualities, but even with him I don't hate him like I used to. We haven't spoken in 8 years and that's fine with me. In your case, it sounds like you guys parted on good terms. I would take that as a win, try to move on as best as you can and see where life takes you. This person might come back into your life someday, but I wouldn't sit around hoping for it. Also, you mentioned that you guys had some fundamental issues that caused the breakup. They won't go away in a few weeks. Both of you would probably need to grow and change first and that takes a long time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 Thanks. She said we will talk again. I think we just need time to clear our heads. We've become so far deep we can't see what we had if that makes sense. I want to give her some space, but I also want/ need to tell her how much she means to me. If there was a chance we could try again I would. But I don't want to come across needy, or smother her and pour my emotions on her too early. I am a black & white person. When I make a decision I stick too it because I got the input in advance. I don't understand waffling people who can't make up their own minds & cry about wanting space in a relationship. In a healthy relationship, in times of trouble or uncertainty, you turn toward your partner. You don't run away from them, seek out space & hide from them concerning issues that effect you both. It's one thing to crave solitude when say you are grieving the death of a family member or trying to make sense of a job loss, things that don't involve your partner. Similarly, I do not understand people who refuse to state their own needs in a relationship especially when those needs are not being met. Yes, I get that being vulnerable, telling somebody you care opens you up to being hurt but for heaven's sake if you don't unequivocally state that you love your GF of 3 years & that you are willing to work to fix what is wrong how is she supposed to know? You are not strangers. You have been together a long time. If you can't express yourself & you fear being clingy this relationship is so dysfunctional it's not worth saving. Being clingy is vastly different then expressing your opinion about how you want your relationship to work & commanding respect from your partner. When you give space to an LTR more often then not, it's just the training wheels the other person needs to assure themselves that they can function without you. It's not absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's game playing where they keep you dangling on a string, playing with your emotions while they try to get out gradually in an unrealistic attempt to soften the blow of the breakup & simultaneously find themselves a soft place to land. You are sitting there afraid to say anything because you don't want the break up & you know asserting yourself will simply hasten the inevitable. You'd rather wallow in hope. Prolonging your agony & accepting a shell of what you want is no way to live. Therefore I advocate ripping off the band-aide. Work hard together with all your might to fix what's wrong & reconnect or just let go. If the issue is something like the other person thinks they lost feelings, accept that & move on. Stop torturing yourself & behaving like a doormat, letting them walk all over you. I'm really not trying to beat you up emotionally or throw salt in your wounds. I am giving you so touch love & encouraging you to be an active participant in your own life & relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 its different for everyone,personally i use no contact to move on , not to make my heart grow fonder or their heart grow fonder...when i have been in long distance relationships its constant contact that makes my heart miss them.... i feel its the word constant that counts...its that constancy that for me allows my heart to stay connected...a break up that involves no contact...is a healing of the heart to move on by myself and for the men i was with.....and for lots of people ....no contact allows healing to occur... in all my long term relationships no contact was what i really needed to move on......one ex i was with joined the circus and went away travelling the country for a while...i found him that job actually....another ex i moved interstate..no contact for six months and my last ex he went walkabout in the outback.....havent heard from him in over a year...the sexual intensity goes away with no contact....the emotional connection disappears and what you are left with or in my case...is friendship only...... no contact is not a game..its a method you utilise to heal in my opinion...you can move on by yourself without the worry about the other person...as long as they are safe and happy...you leave them be..i wish you well...i hope you find peace no matter what happens 1 Link to post Share on other sites
abotha5 Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 (edited) In a healthy relationship, in times of trouble or uncertainty, you turn toward your partner. You don't run away from them, seek out space & hide from them concerning issues that effect you both. It's one thing to crave solitude when say you are grieving the death of a family member or trying to make sense of a job loss, things that don't involve your partner. Edited February 19, 2019 by abotha5 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 I explained that more quality time together would help and it did...she realized we were still good. Unfortunately things slipped again and we both became frustrated and agreed the only way was to stop as we couldn't see any other way. I just hope this time apart will maybe help us remember the good times. What does this mean, exactly? What happened to make things "slip"? It is reading more like she wanted out, you searched for ways to mend it, and she still wanted out. I am gathering the frustrations with each other derived from her pulling away and you feeling hurt that she wasn't making more time for you - is that somewhat accurate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joblot Posted February 19, 2019 Author Share Posted February 19, 2019 What does this mean, exactly? What happened to make things "slip"? It is reading more like she wanted out, you searched for ways to mend it, and she still wanted out. I am gathering the frustrations with each other derived from her pulling away and you feeling hurt that she wasn't making more time for you - is that somewhat accurate? Yes that's is quite accurate. However she said to me she didn't want to break up with me. When i say slipped, it became stale again, we didn't see enough if eachother. I do agree she made less time for me, maybe deep down she did want out but every time I asked she would say no. I know she has had other perosonal problem which I have tried to talk to her about but she would never go into detail, unless when we went out together I could eventually get her talking. The last time we had a day out together it was like the good old days and she agreed it was back to normal. Link to post Share on other sites
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