Unhappy & Married

[Buffalo93]

I am in an unhappy, long-term 10+ year marriage/relationship, with three kids.

 

For at least the last year or so, I've sort of had an awakening and have been actively contemplating getting a divorce in the time ahead.

 

It's a situation oh so many of us started out in, a relationship from its infancy that family and friends had doubts about for various reasons. A handful of these people, namely immediate family/friends, voiced concerns ahead of any engagement/marriage; however, the young, dumb and naive me choose to look past these concerns, whether I actually saw them at the time or not.

 

Fast forward 10+ years and I'm married with three kids in a marriage I question for lots of reasons. While there have never been financial issues or infidelity issues, there have certainly been issues.

 

Let me try and highlight the major things of concern:

 

- lack of any real shared interests

- the feeling that I married wrong and have just stayed in to not rock the boat and out of a feeling of not wanting to ruin someone else's life

- the guilt and remorse of having looked past so many valid concerns voiced to me over the years by family and friends

- lack of spiritual/religious relationship/importance among us

- disrespect & condescension in the way I'm spoken to by wife

- inconsistency in common shared values (I'm much more empathetic, a big family person, more glass half full, etc.)

- frequent, weekly arguing and bickering

- I'm always wrong, or more so she's never "wrong"

- jealously of me being around and talking to females

- many differences in how we literally "parent" our kids (I'm more loving and fun-spirited with the kids, whereas she doesn't hesitate from yelling, fighting, cursing at or around the kids.)

- different ideas of intimacy and it's frequency and importance

 

I'm not happy with this aspect of my life, the relationship, and haven't been in a long time. I love my kids more than anything and love spending time with them, but I dread going home at night and being home on the weekends. More days than not, there's arguing and bickering for one reason or another. For the longest time, I just let it go in one ear and out the other, but over this past year I guess I just hit my limit/tolerance.

 

I've pulled back, as in I don't share as much of my life and am quick to speak my mind and stand up for myself whereas I didn't for years.

 

She knows how good she has it with me and she's said as much. However, I consistently feel like "this can't be it ... there's got to be a happier, healthier life for me as an adult in a relationship I really cherish." I feel like I married down, overlooked so many red flags and can do so much better. It's sad and I hate to even say I feel that way, but it's the honest truth.

 

So, now I'm faced with wiping out the past 10+ years of my life and doing real mental and emotional damage to my wife by choosing to divorce. It's a devastating thing to know how much I would hurt her.

 

In a nutshell, that's it I guess. I'm at a crossroads.

 

Can't wait to hear your thoughts, opinions and comments. I thank you ahead of time for taking the time out of your day to share your thoughts.

Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[preraph]

It sounds like you both need to agree on a better parenting method than the ones you're using, which is you being one of the kids and her having to do all the yelling. Why not see a marriage counselor AND do a parenting course and agree to get on the same page with parenting at least. That will benefit you even if you end up divorcing.

[Garcon1986]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this friend. Let's analyze each point you discussed.

 

First question is, what things in your marriage are there to be grateful for? Your kids sound like they are great around you. You married a sweet, caring woman 10 years ago. Who was that woman? Tell us about the past her?

 

This is a symptom of the frequent bickering.

 

- frequent, weekly arguing and bickering

 

- I'm always wrong, or more so she's never "wrong"

This is the most important point. This is because of arguing over the way you are arguing, not fighting fair, and not truly valuing each other. To attempt to make this change you have to wake up one day and say, you will not tolerate bickering any more, and take a bloody building smashing demolition ball to the status quo. She is fighting you constantly because she doesn't feel validated. She won't tell you, but you no longer make her feel good around you, or at least it's inconsistent. She's missing the courtship in the relationship, but she's too angry to tell you.

 

An easy way to start the question (and rebuilding process), is to gently ask her, how can I make your day better today? And consistently ask that question twice a day for a month. Suck it up, and let her verbally abuse you as much as she wants, and be stone faced, because she will test you, just as dating women test single men.

 

Then, you have to find a peaceful moment in the day, and figure out how she feels validated. What are her love languages? How does she feel needed and heard? You are likely more logical than she is, and she probably functions on more of an emotional level. Yelling and criticizing your kids is totally unacceptable, but you have to see that her actions are a symptom of her frustration of being unloved in the way she feels she should be loved.

 

Take a moment too, to understand your own love languages. Don't offer her a solution if she is looking for a sympathetic ear. Read between the lines to see what she is frustrated about. Are you doing your fair share of house chores? That's a very frequent point of contention.

 

She is only responding the same way a fire would respond if you poured gasoline on it. You have to be the CO2 extinguisher. The way to do this is to set boundaries with your wife by simultaneously sorting out your love languages (how you both feel validated), and saying that you will only tolerate fighting fair (i.e. fighting over the facts rather than using emotional attacks).

- lack of any real shared interests

It took me a while to realize this, but it is possible to have some things to talk about but not entirely share all your interests with your wife. You can obviously talk about some things right? Remember you can always watch documentaries on the way to work (or iPod it) if you really want to feed your geeky side. It is actually physically possible to have one partner be intellectually not that interested in the world but be satisfied with that partner, if you have friends who share your interests.

 

- the feeling that I married wrong and have just stayed in to not rock the boat and out of a feeling of not wanting to ruin someone else's life

 

This is potentially an overarching statement related to the bickering that is in your relationship. However, I think it's very reasonable to think about not emotionally ruining your wife and kids.

 

- the guilt and remorse of having looked past so many valid concerns voiced to me over the years by family and friends

 

What concerns did they tell you about? What was your wife like when you were engaged?

 

- lack of spiritual/religious relationship/importance among us

 

I assume you two have a different degree of religiosity. Could you come to an agreement where one supports the more religious one, but there's no penalty in not actively practicing your religion?

 

- disrespect & condescension in the way I'm spoken to by wife

 

This is a symptom of your wife's love wearing thin.

 

- inconsistency in common shared values (I'm much more empathetic, a big family person, more glass half full, etc.)

This is a symptom of the above. See above.

 

- jealously of me being around and talking to females

This is a symptom of the frequent bickering.

 

- many differences in how we literally "parent" our kids (I'm more loving and fun-spirited with the kids, whereas she doesn't hesitate from yelling, fighting, cursing at or around the kids.)

 

Her temper is wearing thin because her love is wearing thin. See first point above.

 

- different ideas of intimacy and it's frequency and importance

This is a symptom of the frequent bickering.