Need Some Encouragement / Hope - Examples

[nallenb]

I will fill details as they are asked, I am looking for some hope...

 

Today my wife and I had our first MC session. We are at the session because my wife is miserable in our marriage. We have had intimacy issues for 20 years (I want sex, she does not, agreed to once a week). Through past MC and ST, we "thought" that her lack of desire was just who she was. So, we had settled into our routine. For the last decade, we had two kids, expanded our careers and maintained the status-quo. during that time, my wife had been asking herself if this was it. It turns out, she hasn't been happy. I saw she was unhappy but I thought it was work, family stress and life, I didn't think it was our marriage.

 

In MC, I learned that about a year ago, my wife began having desires for intimacy. She hasn't acted upon it, but she could see herself enjoying intimacy. The issue is, she doesn't see how she could ever have desire for me. She doesn't have a particular man in mind, but the concept of being intimate has stirred feelings in her.

 

Quick facts:

 

1. We have our share of disagreements, but I thought we were an ok team. The outside world would rank us as "perfect marriage", for what that is worth.

 

2. We have not done a good job communicating our feelings. She never admitting until recently how unhappy she was and me never telling her that I wasn't satisfied either with the status-quo. We never spoke about how the others communication style (mine loud, her to walk away and not say anything) hurt each other.

 

3. She is just now admitting that she has always been worried about hurting my feelings. For years now she hasn't said anything about being unhappy. I learned in MC today that something I asked her to do for me on my birthday 5 years ago still bothers her because she hated it and can't believe I made her do it (I now feel horrible) - it was a one time sex request that I knew she didn't like and would never ask again. In the meantime, she felt I put a guilt trip on her do it because it was my birthday. And, 5 years later, it is top of her mind. I apologized profusely today for my selfishness. I am now part of the #metoo movement...arg. She says that she doesn't think it was abuse, but still, she feels really bad about what I did, so it seems like abuse to me.

 

4. I can be defensive and sometimes a bully. Whether it is passive aggressive or just being a jerk, I completely see how I can be. I can be a real badger at times if I disagree with something. I can also change this!! I did that at work but seem to have forgotten about home.

 

5. I am embarrassed and feel terrible about taking her for granted.

 

6. She is a grass is always greener type and I definitely didn't take seriously some things she was unhappy with and just said, "well, every family has those problems..." and dismissed her concerns. This is a long list including house chores, picking up after the kids, laundry, etc... I figured, "don't sweat the small stuff" but that didn't match with her desires. Again, we never had a heart to heart. So, I came across as lazy while she had to pick up the slack.

 

7. I did a piss poor job of managing our family finances. She lived in some denial and could have asked for a financial overview at any time, but, generally, I didn't share with her some important financial facts until just recently.

 

8. In August, I lost my job. In August she got new responsibilities at work (a lot more $$ as well). She often works 7 days a week. I stepped up and have taken over all house responsibilities. She hasn't cooked a dinner since August. I am doing almost all the chores now. I thought that my doing all of that would make me a more attractive husband and father. She says it is amazing that she doesn't have to do much of that work anymore, but, it doesn't seem to have changed her feelings for me. That is also how I was able to get a hold of our finances (I used to work 6 days a week as well) and determined how screwed up I had let them become.

 

Here is the issue...

 

In therapy today, the MC asked us if the communication issues, financial issues and parenting issues could be resolved. My wife and I both agreed, vigorously, that we had the ability to work together and solve some of those issues (I had been working on all of those issues for about 4 weeks now anyway). We can be a good team at times, and all the surrounding marriage issues we both believe can be resolved.

 

However, my wife said, "we can solve all of those issues, but I don't see how that is going to bring back the love/desire that is gone." She said it through tears and she sure didn't want to say it.

 

The MC then asked how hopeful we were that MC would work. I rated a 10 out of 10 and my wife said she was on the fence. Non-committal. She has felt so unhappy for so long, that she is skeptical.

 

From what I have read, the marriage homework that comes out of MC is supposed to breakdown communication barriers and build teamwork. This teamwork then peels away years of pain and suffering. If the couple is together and works through those issues, the love can be rekindled because of the process (if there really is any love left).

 

It is important to note that over the last 4 weeks we have, as a team, completely addressed the financial mess I helped create and have been working together, calmly and sincerely, to get everything fixed. Frankly, I enjoyed the process because we expressed our goals, made team decisions and then acted upon them.

 

I am also 100% cognizant of my culpability as a jerk and bully in some cases. I am also fully committed to thinking before I act and becoming a better person, regardless of the outcome.

 

Can anyone on the board share a success story where one of you was sure that love was gone and the marriage was over? Does working through the communication breakdown free up the feelings that were suppressed? Is it typical for the person who is unhappy to be on the fence?

 

I can completely imagine that the feeling of love is gone because of the years of poor communication. Since she is driving this she certainly can be the skeptical one.

 

I have read the book "I Love You But Am No Longer In Love With You" and that gave me hope. I would really like to hear your stories.

 

I will share any more information that you request. My wife has a private MC session next week and me the week after, so it will be at least 3 weeks until we are together again in session. I need something to give me hope during that time.

 

My personal therapist is working with me to try and not take all of the blame, but I can't help but feel it. I have been selfish. I have been grumpy. I have been lazy. I can't give you an example where my wife was the same. She always picked up the slack. She always gave even when she didn't want to (sex every week, for instance) and works her ass off.

 

Someone give me hope!!

[d0nnivain]

She's going to therapy. That is a start. Acknowledging the problem is half the battle to fixing it. Now that she has talked about the issues, you can brainstorm about solutions.

[Mr. Lucky]

Someone give me hope!!

 

I just don't see how it's helpful to outfit yourself in sackcloth and ashes and take the lion's share of the blame in what has been a joint problem? You could morph into a combination of Warren Buffet and George Clooney and, absent her participation, not make any progress. Not matter how hard you're willing to try, one person alone can't save a marriage.

 

While waiting for others to post inspiring stories, I'll simply wish the best for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

This is the third time today I read the "I still love you but I'm not in love with you" line. I think that's a cop-out. New love fades. Passion fades. What is left after so many years of working side by side to maintain a home, family, financial obligations, etc., is - at best - a smoldering ash that can hopefully be rekindled into a somewhat steady flame once in awhile with some attention.

 

I wish you the best in MC. I really hope it works for you. One thing perhaps you could try (I do know this helped rekindle the passion for a friend of mine who was floundering in her marriage), try doing special little things for your wife. My friend and her husband made a commitment to one another to do at least two special things per month for one another. It could be as small as bringing home her favorite candy bar for her, or booking a hotel room for an overnight in a room with a soaking tub and a fireplace. As they kept doing these things for one another, it became a fun game between them - to surprise one another. If your wife is not ready to partake in that type of activity, maybe you could start to do some little things for her, just to remind her what attracted you to her in the first place, etc.

 

Another thing they did was designate specific times to discuss those unpleasant topics (like finances, etc.) Once the discussion time was up, they put those topics away (along with the frustration) until the next designated time (unless there was something that needed to be handled stat.)

 

Best of luck!

[Marc878]

You are all in but she isn’t. Unless that changes you have nothing to work with.

 

Like most you are looking for magic. There isn’t any.

 

It sounds to me like she wants to try with someone else and you are totally blind to what you are facing.

 

I would check my phone bill just to verify there’s no one in the mix.

Edited February 21, 2019 by Marc878

[standtall]

Well gee marc....the poor man said he was looking for hope. With that said, and you being the first bad guy to say it.

 

OP....you marriage is very vulnerable to a 3rd party right now. Somehow, you have to be the man that she fell in love with all those years ago. There is hope, but you have to continue being the alpha, but not a bully. Do not get all weak and weepy on her, and be a man to be admired...physically and mentally.