Partner who likes to break expensive things when angry!

[Pink7]

My partner and I have not been able to agree on this topic. Every time we get into a heated argument my partner likes throw things... expensive things. During one of our arguments he threw my phone and smashed it on the ground. The screen was shattered and I had to purchase a new phone. We both have a joint account where we pay for all of our expenses out of.

 

I refused that the funds should come from our joint account as this is allocated to family expenses and since he decided to break my phone he should have to pay it from his own savings account. He ended up taking the money for the replacement phone from his savings. Fast forward in another argument he angrily threw his glasses and broke them and plans to use our joint account to pay for them. He almost broke my laptop during an argument as well.

 

I spoke to him today in an attempt to set down ground rules. I explained if he breaks anything out of sheer angry whether it be mine or his that the funds should come from his own funds/savings this rule would apply to me aswell should I break any of his items. He seems to have an issue with this rule he thinks since we have a joint account we are a family it should pay for his stupidity as well. He makes me feel like im absurd for asking for this.

 

What are your opinions on this? Am I being unreasonable?

Edited February 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CantGetEnuff]

Aren't you worried about his temper/anger issues?

 

I have been married a long time, and not once have I ever thrown anything at/near someone in anger, be it cheap or expensive. That is pretty crazy, if you ask me.

 

But since you're asking about the economics, yes I agree with the premise that a resident family member who intentionally destroys property should pay for it out of his/her "personal" account, if they have sufficient funds.

 

But he has to agree with this premise, since I'm assuming you make economic decisions to together. So you need to get him to buy in to the idea.

[Happy Lemming]

I dated one woman who would break dishes when she got upset. One time she broke one of my good plates (that was to a set that I really liked) She needed to hear something shatter and break, it was some type of release for her and it usually worked. She would calm down and mellow after breaking said dish, mug, saucer...

 

Going forward... When she came over, I hid all of my good dishes and purchased two sets of ugly, cheap Odd-Lot dishes. I told her she was more than welcome to break those until her heart's content. She did take me to task a couple of times, but I didn't care. She was AMAZING in bed!! ...but I digress.

 

I think I would tell him, stop breaking the expensive items. Buy him some cheap wine glasses and cheap dishes, etc.; tell him to break those items instead.

[preraph]

yes, you're being reasonable. He should definitely be the one who has to sacrifice if he breaks something because that's his fault.

[Redhead14]

. . . He seems to have an issue with this rule he thinks since we have a joint account we are a family it should pay for his stupidity as well. He makes me feel like im absurd for asking for this.

 

What are your opinions on this? Am I being unreasonable?

 

Nevermind the rule about where the money comes from. Throwing things in anger is completely unacceptable. It's childish and immature. If I were you, I would demand that he take money out of HIS savings and pay for anger management courses. This kind of thing can escalate very quickly and you or one of your kids may, even if accidentally, be hurt. This should not be tolerated. I hope to heck the children aren't witnessing these outbursts. CPS would frown on that.

 

Would he tolerate that behavior from one of his children???

[mightybop]

Be careful, the next thing he could start throwing....is you. But seriously, this is like something you see in movies. This guy needs some anger management therapy or something.

[preraph]

If he ever refuses to pay for it himself, discreetly cut a wire (turn it off first) inside his favorite electronic and never say a word.

[basil67]

It sounds like you're OK with the fact that he throws things, but are concerned because he won't pay for the damage.

 

Do you have children living in this situation with you?

[Wallysbears]

I dated one woman who would break dishes when she got upset. One time she broke one of my good plates (that was to a set that I really liked) She needed to hear something shatter and break, it was some type of release for her and it usually worked. She would calm down and mellow after breaking said dish, mug, saucer...

 

Going forward... When she came over, I hid all of my good dishes and purchased two sets of ugly, cheap Odd-Lot dishes. I told her she was more than welcome to break those until her heart's content. She did take me to task a couple of times, but I didn't care. She was AMAZING in bed!! ...but I digress.

 

I think I would tell him, stop breaking the expensive items. Buy him some cheap wine glasses and cheap dishes, etc.; tell him to break those items instead.

 

There is a “stress hammer” or something that makes the sound of breaking glass. I had one decades ago!

 

 

To the point at hand - breaking things in anger is inappropriate

[Tamfana]

Yes, you're being reasonable in requiring that whoever breaks things pays to replace them. If it costs him enough, he'll stop deliberately breaking things.

[Mr. Lucky]

Every time we get into a heated argument my partner likes throw things... expensive things. During one of our arguments he threw my phone and smashed it on the ground. The screen was shattered and I had to purchase a new phone. We both have a joint account where we pay for all of our expenses out of.

 

This is calculated and designed to manipulate and intimidate you as much as anything else.

 

My grandson went through this same phase when he was 3. One day I watched as his mom (my DIL), each time he threw something, picked up one of his toys and threw it too. The look on his face was priceless and the angry behavior was quickly abated.

 

You might try that with him ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Orokotikki]

Unfortunately it sounds like you are perhaps married to this person?

 

 

This is about making you feel intimidated and establishing that they do not have to be held accountable for their actions.

 

 

If they won't get into anger management and make some real changes - bail. And when you do bail hard and fast - this type of behavior can and does sometimes escalate quickly.

[major_merrick]

Sometimes breaking things is a good release, especially if it keeps you from hurting people and even better if you do it by yourself away from others. But when the things that you break are expensive and/or belong to someone else, that's a problem. He should definitely pay for the damage.

 

I'll admit that both my husband and I are throwers/breakers. He found a constructive outlet long before I joined the family - he goes outside and chops firewood with an axe. It is a job that needs to be done, and he gets his emotions out in a physical way. I haven't really found a good way for me to deal with it yet besides being calmer in general. I used to be hell on glassware

[Happy Lemming]

There is a “stress hammer” or something that makes the sound of breaking glass. I had one decades ago!

 

I've never heard of a "stress hammer".

 

I was dating this person about 20+ years, ago. I guess I should NOT have encouraged this behavior but thought it was a cheap solution to a problem. She was a bit off kilter and had spent 30 days in the "Happy House" for an emotional breakdown, prior to meeting me. I really didn't want her to have to go back, so the ugly dishes seemed like the best solution for the problem. I imagine there weren't many dishes left in her apartment when we broke up.

 

Ahhh... memories.

[BaileyB]

He seems to have an issue with this rule he thinks since we have a joint account we are a family it should pay for his stupidity as well.

 

Was he not present that day in kindergarten when the teacher reviewed the rules of personal responsibility - you spill it, you clean it up, or take the toy out, you put it away, and the one that is most appropriate for your husband - you break it, you bought it.

 

It seems like a fairly logical natural consequence to me, not sure why he is having difficulty understanding and accepting the concept. For most people, the thought of having to spend their own money to replace a valuable object would be enough of a deterrent to learn to control their anger... I would stick my ground, your husband needs to learn his lesson...

Edited February 21, 2019 by BaileyB

[snowboy91]

I spoke to him today in an attempt to set down ground rules. I explained if he breaks anything out of sheer angry whether it be mine or his that the funds should come from his own funds/savings this rule would apply to me aswell should I break any of his items. He seems to have an issue with this rule he thinks since we have a joint account we are a family it should pay for his stupidity as well. He makes me feel like im absurd for asking for this.

 

Nope. You break it, you buy it, as far as I'm concerned.

 

I'm not a fan of joint accounts, but I'd say that for most, a joint bank account is something both parties contribute to, for things that benefit both parties, or things that both parties are responsible for compensating for. You should not be financially responsible for things of yours that he breaks. That is his action, and it's up to him to compensate you for the item that is broken.

 

Sure you may be a family, but a family is made up of individuals who make individual choices. That doesn't make the whole family responsible for the choices of the individual.

[PegNosePete]

I spoke to him today in an attempt to set down ground rules. I explained if he breaks anything out of sheer angry whether it be mine or his that the funds should come from his own funds/savings

The rule should have been: if you break one more thing out of sheer anger then you move out IMMEDIATELY and the relationship is OVER!

 

And if he doesn't agree to it then the relationship is OVER right now!

 

You need to get some self esteem here, and not allow yourself to be treated like dirt. How do you think he will respect you, if you don't even respect yourself?

[spiderowl]

The only way you are being unreasonable is by staying with an abusive partner. Throwing things is a threatening gesture, even if he doesn't hit you with them. It is still an 'out of control', damaging and threatening way to behave.

 

A friend of mine was with an abusive man. At first, he used to shout and get angry, then he started throwing things, eventually he progressed to hitting her.

 

I think your partner has an anger problem he needs to get help for. If not, you really need to think seriously about whether you want to take the risk of this progressing into physically abusing you.

[Normm]

If he ever refuses to pay for it himself, discreetly cut a wire (turn it off first) inside his favorite electronic and never say a word.

 

 

Yes this will certainly solve all the problems.