I cheated on someone early on in the relationship and it then ruined the relationship

[SelflessActs]

Hi,

 

This is a story of my first relationship.

 

I met a girl in my country in Europe. She wanted to travel around Europe after graduating from a US college. She visited my country. We have the same tennis coach and she was supposed to stay at my house for 2-3 days. We hit it off really well and she decided to stay for 10 days instead and she went to London after. I came with her and we had another 10 wonderful days together in London. I went to the U.S. for my internship and she went back to Asia, where she is from.

 

We were talking almost every day and were saying that we were in a relationship, however, in London she was calling me her friend and not a boyfriend. Also, anytime I would ask her to put us up on Facebook saying that we were in a relationship, she would say no. She reasoned it by saying that it was too early and that she is not ready to spread that around to everybody. This made me feel like she was just having me on the side. Also, she got out of a relationship a month before meeting me so this seemed like it was a rebound for her. I got Tinder and I had sex with 5 girls during this time in the U.S.

 

Then she visited me in the U.S. from Asia but it kinda seemed like she wanted to travel and see some places, while having me there for fun. She stayed with me for 3 weeks and went to grad school in England. We were talking every day but, coming from my past relationships where 2 girls led me on (one for 2 months and one for 4 months) and were saying that they loved me without getting intimate with me, I was still unsure how serious my "girlfriend" and I were together. I had sex with 2 more girls from Tinder.

 

She then visited me in Europe. When she came there, I realized that she is my everything. We were saying that we love each other all the time, we were doing things for each other, we were having the times of our lives. She told me that she never loved anyone as much as she loves me. I went out and bought her an engagement ring and was going to propose to her in a couple of weeks for her birthday. This was 6 months since we met.

 

She then saw one of my Tinder texts. She was crying like I've never seen someone cry before. I cried too. Both of us were feeling extremely devastated by this event. She asked me with how many did I cheat on her and I said only 2.

 

She allowed me to visit her at her grad school 2 days later, and I lied that I couldn't even get hard with the 2 girls. She said that she thinks that she will forgive me. The next day I couldn't handle the feeling of guilt so I confessed everything to her saying that there were 7 girls. She kicked me out and told me to get a plane the next morning.

 

Then I did something completely terrible. I sent her a suicide note. I pretended like I wanted to commit suicide and I was at a hospital just to see her once again. She met me at the airport and I told her that this suicide attempt was just an act to see her once again. She was of course hurt by that. However, she did stay at the airport for 7-8 hours and she said that she will always love me. She said that she couldn't leave for some reason. I asked her if we can french kiss when we were parting ways and she said no. But then she gave me a kiss like we used to kiss each other before, like nothing has changed. And then she left.

 

Around 10 days later, I went to apologize to her in person and I traveled across Europe to do that. At first she was surprised that I was there and over the course of the next hour she got very mad and said that if I come visit her again, she'll call the police. During this hour, I told her that it was a misunderstanding, I was unsure of the fact that we were as serious as we were, I gave her the engagement ring because I told her that it's hers and I got it for her.

 

After that, she blocked me on some things. I texted her from every point of contact I could to block me there too. I realize that this was very stupid too. I was in great shock though.

 

Now, I am here, completely devastated because I realize that I will probably never meet another person like her. I want to text her best friend to apologize for the pain that I caused both of them.

 

Should I do that? What would be the best thing to do in this scenario? I want to visit my ex 3 months after we broke up. She said that she'll call the police but that might have been because she was extremely angry at me. Maybe with time, she will be able to process her emotions and will be able to have a rational conversation with me. I am having extreme trouble dealing with the pain of losing someone so valuable to me through my immaturity and inexperience. I am seeing 2 therapists to discuss relationships. I have changed in numerous ways, from helping my friends and being selfless, to looking at my current family relationships and friendships and doing anything that I can to show them love. I was also on certain medication which makes me more susceptible to lying and being infidelious and I stopped taking them too.

 

Any help is greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you very much!

Edited February 21, 2019 by SelflessActs

[BaileyB]

Oh dude.

 

First of all, “infidelious” is not a word. And, there is no medication that causes you to lie and cheat on you girlfriend - 7 times.

 

You have a lot to learn about self control and respect in relationships. Keep working with your counsellor(s). Take medication if you have a diagnosed mental illness and it has been recommended by a physician. Never, ever threaten suicide if you are not actually suicidal again. And, leave this poor woman alone. Don’t contact her. Leave her alone. She did the right thing to walk away from this very unhealthy situation.

[mark clemson]

I get the impression that you're still pretty young - in your 20's. The simplest thing to do is move on. Your strong emotions will eventually fade and in reality it's quite possible you may find someone even better.

 

It doesn't sound like you have difficulty meeting women. Try a dating site, rather than Tinder if you're looking for more than quick sex.

 

IF you decide to go visit her, be sure to contact her first and ask permission. If you don't do this she will probably freak out. You unfortunately acted like a person with emotional problems (faking suicide, showing up unannounced). Many folks do not wish to have a person like that in their lives who may suddenly cause problems.

 

IF you do this and she tells you not to visit, respect her wishes and move on. You cannot force someone to love you.

Edited February 21, 2019 by mark clemson

[Smileygrl202]

I get the impression that you're still pretty young - in your 20's. The simplest thing to do is move on. Your strong emotions will eventually fade

 

Hi Mark,

 

OP - don’t mean to threadjack, so sorry. Other thread we were on closed.

 

Was in IC late last evening. Told therapist about what you said and she asked me a couple of questions about how I felt about some of the things I have read on here on this forum and some of what you had said to me..... Wanted your input- If you’re comfortable with it - email me at smileygrl202 at g m a i l . I don’t want to start my own thread and I’m too busy at work to come on here any more. Many many thanks ( don’t respond to this, if I don’t hear from you I will know!!!) thanks, take care and good luck!! Xx

[elaine567]

Well that is just basic common sense.

Too many (young men in particular) think they can behave badly towards a woman, cheat on her, neglect her, take her for granted, abuse her etc. and think they can somehow make amends later, and make it all better as they have "changed"...

It doesn't work like that.

 

Romantic love isn't unconditional, your gf is NOT your mother.

You don't tend to get any second chances. People do not care that you have "changed", they are still upset about what you did to them, the fact you have supposedly "changed" means nothing.

Trust is gone.

Hurt people tend not to ever forget, forgiveness is not a given.

You blew your chances here.

It is over.

Leave her alone.

Move on.

[Interstellar]

Sounds to me like you’re never even in a relationship with her.

 

You asked her to put “in a relationship” in her Facebook and she kept saying no. In your mind you were boyfriend and girlfriend but not in hers. The only thing that counts is the woman’s interest level. So I don’t think this qualifies as cheating. You’re practically begging her to be official. You should not be getting crucified for this. The girl led you on. And the biggest thing is she called you a friend so you’re not in a relationship whatsoever. It’s called being “let’s just be friends.” This proof will hold up in court in front of the feminista judge.

 

Now you did lie, beg and grovel and pretend suicide so she lost respect for you.

 

Forget her. Forget her. And forget her. That means blocking her on the worldwide web and out of your life.

 

It’s adios, goodbye, and sayonara too.

[olivetree]

Sounds to me like you’re never even in a relationship with her.

 

You asked her to put “in a relationship” in her Facebook and she kept saying no. In your mind you were boyfriend and girlfriend but not in hers. The only thing that counts is the woman’s interest level. So I don’t think this qualifies as cheating. You’re practically begging her to be official. You should not be getting crucified for this. The girl led you on. And the biggest thing is she called you a friend so you’re not in a relationship whatsoever. It’s called being “let’s just be friends.” This proof will hold up in court in front of the feminista judge.

 

Being Facebook official does not define a relationship.

 

Regardless of whether or not you were a rebound, you agreed to be together so it is cheating.

 

She would be crazy to forgive you after you had sex with 7 women, let alone 1.

 

Let her go and learn from your mistakes.

[Interstellar]

Being Facebook official does not define a relationship.

 

Regardless of whether or not you were a rebound, you agreed to be together so it is cheating.

 

She would be crazy to forgive you after you had sex with 7 women, let alone 1.

 

Let her go and learn from your mistakes.

 

She called him friend, not boyfriend. It’s the death sentence to any guy.

 

I don’t condone cheating or lying but he was never a boyfriend as well. At least according to what he said here.

[Normm]

Just leave her alone already, you've done more than enough damage.

[mark clemson]

@smileygrl202

 

Hope you change your mind and come back and read this...

 

I've always felt the value of a forum like this is that you can crowdsource your answers. The group overall will give you better feedback than any one member. You'll get the best input if you post about your issue and let multiple people respond. Hope you decide to do that.

 

My two cents. Wish you all the best. Xx

[Smileygrl202]

@smileygrl202

 

Hope you change your mind and come back and read this...

 

I've always felt the value of a forum like this is that you can crowdsource your answers. The group overall will give you better feedback than any one member. You'll get the best input if you post about your issue and let multiple people respond. Hope you decide to do that.

 

My two cents. Wish you all the best. Xx

 

Thanks Mark!

 

Didn’t mean to put you on the spot. I apologize. My therapist insists that an E/A is nowhere near as damaging as a P/A. She said most partners who have had their significant other, sleep with another man or woman find it more difficult to forgive than when it’s just strong emotions involved and no intimate touching/petting has taken place.

 

She said that if you were the “SO that was being deceived” - you don’t have to imagine them sweating, grinding and writhing against each other, looking into each other’s eyes and whispering hot stuff into each other’s ears. That if that happened, it would be far far more damaging to a long- term relationship. What do you think?

[anika99]

Thanks Mark!

 

Didn’t mean to put you on the spot. I apologize. My therapist insists that an E/A is nowhere near as damaging as a P/A. She said most partners who have had their significant other, sleep with another man or woman find it more difficult to forgive than when it’s just strong emotions involved and no intimate touching/petting has taken place.

 

She said that if you were the “SO that was being deceived” - you don’t have to imagine them sweating, grinding and writhing against each other, looking into each other’s eyes and whispering hot stuff into each other’s ears. That if that happened, it would be far far more damaging to a long- term relationship. What do you think?

 

Start your own thread.

[d0nnivain]

You are a drama queen.

 

The 7 girls are almost irrelevant because at best you were getting mixed messages from your GF. Although she said you were in a relationship, she called you her friend not her BF to other people & she didn't change her relationship status on social media. Normally I think social media is worthless but it is a factor here.

 

If you two never promised to be exclusive, there was no obligation to be exclusive. That is a technically, not a hard fast rule. She was bothered by your behavior & hers is the only opinion that matters.

 

The idea that you obtained an engagement ring for somebody you had only known 6 months, while you were multi-dating & before you dated conventionally in the same city is absurd. You are trying to create some rom-com fantasy. You have no meaningful idea what love & commitment look like.

 

Then to stoop so low as to feign suicide in an attempt to curry forgiveness is almost unpardonable. That little stunt further proves that you are insincere & untrustworthy. Even if the girl had been partially inclined to forgive you, in her shoes that would have pushed me over the edge away from you. I could never trust such a manipulative person.

 

Leave this poor woman alone. Take her at her word that she will call the cops if you appear. The last thing you need is to be locked up in a foreign country.

 

Do a great deal of soul searching about how you got in this mess in the first place. Then slow down & take your time in your next relationship. There should be no discussion of living together or marriage before you have known each other for at least 1-2 years & dated conventionally in the same city. You need to make sure you know who each other is in good times & in times of great stress.

 

You continue to feign drama. You are young. Of course you will meet somebody else & have a wonderful life. The world doesn't revolve around her. Based on your Tinder activity, you have a lot of wild oats to sow yet. Go get that out of your system before you even try to settle down. You are not mature enough for that yet.

 

As for the medication, that is an excuse. Medication might make your brain foggy but it doesn't cause you to lie. It takes about a year to make meaningful changes. 90 days is a good start but it's not enough. Of course losing her hurts but that doesn't mean it's the wrong thing. Continue working with your therapists. You will get through this.

[mark clemson]

@smileygrl202

 

Agree. Please start your own thread. Also suggest you tone down the descriptions a bit. Some folks around here have been very deeply hurt quite recently. Thanks!

[smackie9]

Sorry bro but you need to man up and take ownership of what you did to that poor girl. If you felt she wasn't committed proper to you, then you should have told her that, and that until she was 100% you were expecting the both of you to date other people until such time. Good old honest communication is what you need to do, but those excuses you gave to justify your actions, proves you really didn't care, and it was all about you. True love is about making sacrifices like keeping it in yer pants...just so you know for next time.