AyAyAy Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Ten years later...I have strong feelings of being a free spirit again. I daydream of a quiet life with no one to micromanage me. I drift in to daydreams about other partners and lovers. I have been married for a little over 10 years, we have a child under 5, a thriving business, beautiful lifestyle...but I feel like I don’t want my husband as a life partner anymore. It’s a constant battle in my head and heart. Most days the thought runs through my head that the human species is not meant to be monogamous and spend the majority of their life with one person. I didn’t have this thought at 27 when I was married. I feel so alone in my feelings, therapists are too expensive (we’ve gone to marriage counseling over various issues), and I just get nodding heads and stagnant advice from the few friends I can talk to about this. Separating is not an option, as my husband thinks if someone feels this way, divorce is the only option, and separation doesn’t make sense. I know there’s never a right time to talk to your spouse about this, but I keep making excuses to not discuss anything with him because we have so much planned...big business developments, family trips, shared finances, and our child would be utterly heartbroken if our family unit wasn’t together anymore. He’s such a good dad and used to love me fiercely and enthusiastically. It’s difficult to pin point what’s missing, but I know it in my heart. I can’t go on pretending the love isn’t lost. Had to get that off my chest. Open to advice and commiserey...Thank you for listening. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 excuse me if I say it but you are selfish , not pointing fingers but if your husband is as you described , you need therapy not to stay in marriage , rather to find yourself . So , assuming you think in this way and convinced , what would you do when you get older and no more interresting to anybody . you need faith . you need to belive in somthing , it could be God , Karma , anything , but definetly you need faith . I advise you to choose a track toward faith , even if you are an atheist , believe in values even though u are . on the short term , the only way I see could be a gate to recovery is to have an open marriage , where you will realize after it the value of what you currently have . if you are lucky and smart and your husband can digest it ; you might go through and come back to your senses. good luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Most days the thought runs through my head that the human species is not meant to be monogamous and spend the majority of their life with one person. That is just YOU and not "the human species"... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 How would your child fit into your dreams of being a free spirit with transient lovers? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 even if you are an atheist , believe in values even though u are . As an atheist, the thing to believe in is behaving in an ethical manner. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 (edited) Separating is not an option, as my husband thinks if someone feels this way, divorce is the only option, and separation doesn’t make sense. Your husband is correct. It’s no shame to want to be single, to live as a free spirit, to be free and unattached... unfortunately, you are ten years and one child too late in coming to this realization. You can end the marriage and be single, if you don’t want to be married. You give a laundry list of reasons why you don’t want to do this... but, divorce would be preferential to living a miserable coexistence, cheating on your spouse, or just up and walking out on your family one day. Your child is another matter entirely. You chose to have a child, now you must be a mother. You don’t have the right to leave your child. I say, counselling is cheaper than divorce. Start there, and see what happens. Edited to add, I’ve looked at your posting history. I feel like we are getting part of the story here... There is little information, but your husband sounds rather controlling and your marriage sounds unhappy. The way that you say you need to work on developing humility makes me wonder if he is actually abusive. All the more reason to find yourself an individual counsellor. Edited February 21, 2019 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AyAyAy Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 Thank you for the honest responses. Yes Bailey you are correct, there is a lot more to the story, the above is something I was searching hard for answers last night. This isn’t a feeling I just woke up and had, it’s a culmination of years of working together, years of realizing how different our personalities are, years of me watching my mom stay in a loveless marriage because she has faith my dad will one day change and, well, that’s just what Her generation does. Years of the micromanaging building up and past arguments plus communication difficulties that we just can’t seem to move past, and we have gone to marriage therapists. The core of my post is not about wanting multiple sex partners. I guess essentially I’m seeking guidance with what to do with these feelings of freedom and living my own life again. The thoughts of other partners is just of piece of it. Through reading these, I’m encouraged to seek out an individual therapist, for myself, instead of couples therapy. Thank you again for the responses, they give my day some food for thought. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 (edited) I think individual counselling is a very good idea. There is no shame in saying that your marriage needs to end. Of course, it is complicated and it is expensive and it will be especially so because you share a business. Still, people do it every single day. Talking to a lawyer to learn more about what you would get if you divorced would be another good idea. Not saying you should file the paper, just to educate yourself. (Ie. Would he buy you out of the business, and what would he owe you for spousal and child support, how would you divide the assets including your home, how much would you pay in legal fees, etc...). Do the thoughts of other partners have anything to do with a lack of intimacy in your marriage? In your previous post, you mentioned that your husband was older, had little sex drive, and the intimacy had left the marriage. Is that still true? You have the right to be happy. You just don’t exactly have a right to be selfish and take your own happiness at the expense of your husband and particularly, your child. That is where we would all caution you about actually running away... Edited February 21, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
CantGetEnuff Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 @AyAyAy, I totally get what you are saying; I've had similar feelings. Don't let people here beat up on you for expressing things you really can't say to people in your real life. I agree that humans aren't designed to be monogamous (I think virtually all scientists would agree), but yes we've created a marital system that encourages that, and people like you and me voluntarily entered into it, even if we didn't give it enough thought at the time. So what to do? What are some parts of "single life" that you can still carve out for yourself? Can you find more time to spend with your friends? Can you declare a part of the home as "your space" that you have total control over? Can you talking to your husband about the "micro managing" you mentioned? I mean, no one wants to be micro managed, but I can't tell if what you're experiencing is that or it its just push back against having to check in with someone about hundreds of different decisions you used to make unilaterally as a single person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 The core of my post is not about wanting multiple sex partners. I guess essentially I’m seeking guidance with what to do with these feelings of freedom and living my own life again. My wife and I have always been bonded by feelings for each other, family and shared interests. But compared to most couples we know, we live fairly independent lives - separate activities, many different friends and individual pursuits. It would seem you could work with a therapist to develop your own space within your marriage and family, none of which requires your husband's permission or consent. This also sets an example for your child of what a strong, independent woman looks like. You do have options that don't include tearing your life and family apart... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 I guess the term "micromanage" may be a clue. The husband's permission and consent IS probably required. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Elaine, he only has the power she gives him. A therapist could help her break the unhealthy cycle she's in and, having established herself, the burden of adjustment would move to her husband... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 I don't know where you live but I do not think that counseling or therapy is a panacea for a solution. It is easy to say, a stock answer, but not so easy perhaps to find a good inexpensive therapist who will help you. Of course, you can try but you will do all the head work, not the therapist, and it may take longer than you want. My therapists tended to anger me more than help. Sorry I don't have a better answer. You could try a brief diary of your feelings (secret) with dates, so you remember how you feel month to month and year to year. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 OP, 3 things. 1. Maybe you can try and honor the oath you swore in front of God, family, and friends and the contract you signed. 2. It sounds like you are just bored and want to do whatever you want with no strings. Well you have a husband and child...you made that choice so tough. 3. Who is he? You know, the guy your considering leaving your marriage for. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Just as you were influenced by your mother staying in a loveless marriage, so will your child be if you stay. Sometimes it can be better to teach them that it's better to be happy and make a choice for yourself in that direction. Whoever said it has a good point though that you can't have a parade of dates in and out of your home without also adversely affecting your child on more than one level. You could certainly date on the days your husband has the child during joint custody, and if you do leave, I strongly urge you to insist he take joint custody so you can have some freedom. Otherwise, it's really not much of a change at all. I have always been single and I realized sometime in my 40s that was the best thing for me, that I could not be married and have my life run by someone else and having to sacrifice all the time to keep people happy. I have no regrets. But you have a child, so no matter what you do, that will not change. You can eek out a handful of days a week by having joint custody but you won't ever be free to move to a different town or anything like that, so I'd urge you not to even think about online dating where you may fall for someone you can never be with because you're not allowed to move the child away from the father, and nor should you want to. You will still have strictures. You will only be able to date local and you will not be able to take any out of town work promotions or anything either. You will have to work full-time at least. Joint custody, you won't get much money for child support. You'll both be paying. So unless you have a really well paying job, you will be broke most of the time. Just make sure you've thought everything through. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 You not wanting a clean break is telling and from that one can assume you are interested in test driving with the option to keep the old ride. That makes it seem like you are in fact just wanting to be single awhile. People make life far more complicated than it has to be, you dont want to be married dont be, your doing no one any favors this way, long term both your husband and children will be better off if you leave. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Why did you have children with a man you didn’t intend to stay married to? Why? Do you have a plan to be able to be a supportive and loving Mother while you pursue your “free spirited” life (style)? Map out how you plan to hand your children a safe and secure and loving environment that’s predictable for them - while you pursue this dream. That’s the least you can do... you birthed them, you owe them that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 OP, how old are you? I'm asking because it sounds like you might be having a midlife crisis. Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Why did you have children with a man you didn’t intend to stay married to? Why? Do you have a plan to be able to be a supportive and loving Mother while you pursue your “free spirited” life (style)? Map out how you plan to hand your children a safe and secure and loving environment that’s predictable for them - while you pursue this dream. That’s the least you can do... you birthed them, you owe them that. Why not , he is a good man That's how most ppl decide nowadays about marriage ; in my place owning a house is a prerequisite to 90% of Ladies to get married ! They want to be secure .... Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 Based only on information in this thread, it sounds to me that you need to get a life - not a divorce. Being totally enmeshed with your spouse both with family and in business is likely why you are so fixated on fantasies of being a "free spirit." I don't mean to be flippant - but, at the very least you might need a hobby. Definitely take people's sincere advice here and get individual counseling for yourself. Shop around for the right therapist. It's not easy or quick but, whatever the coast in $$ it will pale in comparison to blowing up your life and crossing a point of no return. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 I commend you for talking about this openly with your H. Many people in your situation would just be exploring their options by way of an affair and then blindsiding their H or W with it. Announcing it as an exit affair. Very cruel. I would not dare to advise on whether you should stay or go. I will say that, if you go, going in an honorable way, will save you and your child and your H a lot of pain that is needless in a divorce. I do think your H is correct that a trial separation is not fair to him. I'd say in or out, no half measures. I also don't blame you for saying that you feel monogamy isn't for you. It does go too far to say that, as a race, humans are not meant to be monogamous. I mean sure, humans are not mean to have indoor toilets either but we do have them and we love them dearly over the other options available. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JAG_03 Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 let me guess...You have been watching/ reading/ listening to Ester Perel? Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 How exactly does he micromanage you? Link to post Share on other sites
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