Am I fool?

[vla1120]

Also, and during college I was unfaithful (often). if that set the pre-text for marriage then that's an issue we need to deal with. Regardless, because this went on for so long, she has no excuse to justify the entire thing. The moment she said "I do" this should have never been a thought.

 

This hit home for me. The first time my first husband cheated on me was just before we were married. He excused his behavior because we were still single. That's not how a woman thinks, however. I count that as one of the three times he cheated on me. I didn't need a piece of paper to be loyal and committed to him and I don't understand why he needed one to be committed to me. It would have been a deal-breaker, but I was his only way back to the east coast from overseas, so after the begging and pleading from him, his friends, and his family, I went ahead with the marriage.

 

Long story short - if your wife is like me, and she feels you struck first with infidelity before you were married, then you are right. That may be your starting point in marriage counseling. That doesn't excuse her behavior, but I know how devastated I was when I was cheated on before we were even married.

 

Hopefully, moving forward, she can maintain her loyalty and fidelity for you in a way my husband was unable to do for me.

[Kamel3]

This hit home for me. The first time my first husband cheated on me was just before we were married. He excused his behavior because we were still single. That's not how a woman thinks, however. I count that as one of the three times he cheated on me. I didn't need a piece of paper to be loyal and committed to him and I don't understand why he needed one to be committed to me. It would have been a deal-breaker, but I was his only way back to the east coast from overseas, so after the begging and pleading from him, his friends, and his family, I went ahead with the marriage.

 

Long story short - if your wife is like me, and she feels you struck first with infidelity before you were married, then you are right. That may be your starting point in marriage counseling. That doesn't excuse her behavior, but I know how devastated I was when I was cheated on before we were even married.

 

Hopefully, moving forward, she can maintain her loyalty and fidelity for you in a way my husband was unable to do for me.

 

You say "first time" so I assumed it happened again and you are no longer together? I'm not trying to pry, but am just curious how that worked for you both.

[vla1120]

You say "first time" so I assumed it happened again and you are no longer together? I'm not trying to pry, but am just curious how that worked for you both.

 

I stayed for 32 years. I was diagnosed with cancer in February 2013. I went through everything on my own. He was not good at showing any level of support. I decided if I was going to go through cancer on my own, I could do everything else on my own, too. I told him I wanted to leave him. Within HOURS, he was on a dating website. Within two weeks, he had stayed the night at his new girlfriend's house (and had also reconnected with the woman he'd last cheated on me with - who happened to have been my "best friend" and our neighbor.)

 

I can testify that staying together "for the children" is not the right thing to do. All we did was give our daughters an example of how marriage should not be. I regret that, as they all flounder terribly in relationships now, most likely because of the bad example we set for them. I know you do not yet have children, but if there is any chance this marriage is not going to be a healthy, mutually supportive marriage, think long and hard before you bring children into it.

 

Edited: I am not sure I properly answered your question. After we were married, he cheated another two times - once while I was 8 months pregnant with our youngest child. There were many times I should have left, and wanted to leave. I often wonder if everyone would have been more happy and well-adjusted if I had left, giving myself and my daughters (and maybe him too) a better chance to be happy all those years - and better suited to navigate relationships today.

Edited February 21, 2019 by vla1120

[Turning point]

Yes, I think if you were repeatedly unfaithful when dating prior to marriage then you have set the stage for what is essentially only a "partial" attachment to you.

[The Dude Abides]

I stayed for 32 years. I was diagnosed with cancer in February 2013. I went through everything on my own. He was not good at showing any level of support. I decided if I was going to go through cancer on my own, I could do everything else on my own, too. I told him I wanted to leave him. Within HOURS, he was on a dating website. Within two weeks, he had stayed the night at his new girlfriend's house (and had also reconnected with the woman he'd last cheated on me with - who happened to have been my "best friend" and our neighbor.)

 

I can testify that staying together "for the children" is not the right thing to do. All we did was give our daughters an example of how marriage should not be. I regret that, as they all flounder terribly in relationships now, most likely because of the bad example we set for them. I know you do not yet have children, but if there is any chance this marriage is not going to be a healthy, mutually supportive marriage, think long and hard before you bring children into it.

 

Edited: I am not sure I properly answered your question. After we were married, he cheated another two times - once while I was 8 months pregnant with our youngest child. There were many times I should have left, and wanted to leave. I often wonder if everyone would have been more happy and well-adjusted if I had left, giving myself and my daughters (and maybe him too) a better chance to be happy all those years - and better suited to navigate relationships today.

 

 

Oh my, that is heartbreaking to read the story of what happened to you and how horrible your husband was to you and the effects on the children. I wish every person contemplating marriage and extramarital activities would read your story (and the many others here at LS that are similar) and try to understand how profoundly their actions affect others.

 

I hope your health and emotional well-being are better now.

[The Dude Abides]

Kamel,

 

Do you trust this woman enough to believe her if she were to tell you that she has learned her lesson and sincerely and deeply regrets her actions and will never do anything again that could cause you pain? If so, then maybe you can consider trying again.

 

But that sure seems like a long shot from my point of view . There are countless stories here at LS and other Internet forums about wayward spouses who DON'T change their ways but instead continue to inflict misery on the other spouse who is trying to make things work. There seems to be a real shortage of happy turnaround stories.

 

I can tell you that my first wife pretty much ran the gamut of all the sh*tty things a woman can do to her man, including forms of abuse that I can't mention here. And even with all of that I entertained notions (short-lived) of "working things out because I loved her". I checked off all the boxes for the list of emotions a victim of abuse and adultery should feel, including harming myself and harming her. But I thank God that I somehow came to my senses and got away from her. It was crystal clear that it was the right thing to do after some amount of time away. So my suggestion is that you get away for a little bit and not try to rationalize any of this and see how you feel two or three months from now. I think you will have a totally different outlook on things at that time and will see the situation for what it is.