heartbrokenlady Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 I need advice. My daughter and my grandson live with me. The baby isn't a year yet and my daughter can't afford to live in her own place. I don't really mind. I love seeing my grandson everyday. The problem is, my daughter and I can't live together. We have a difficult relationship and can't get on living together. We've been arguing a lot lately. It's same old same old BUT it's bad for the baby. I don't want him growing up around this arguing. I don't know what to do. The only thing I can control in the situation is myself but don't know how. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Where is the baby's father? Does he support her and are they planning on moving together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbrokenlady Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 He is on the other side of the world. Did a fast move when he found out she was pregnant. Takes no responsibility. That's not an issue. The baby is very loved and wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 What will it take for your daughter to become financially independent? Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 What do you and your daughter argue about? Generally my rule of thumb is that if someone else's decisions do not harm me personally, I have no say in what they decide. If you and your daughter argue about how to take care of the baby, the mother decides and the grandmother defers, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 He is on the other side of the world. Did a fast move when he found out she was pregnant. Takes no responsibility. That's not an issue. The baby is very loved and wanted. I guess that the baby is very loved and wanted as you mentioned it in your first post. I'm thinking with his child support and a job she should be able to make it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbrokenlady Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 He pays no child support. She isn't working yet (we moved back to the uk recently). I work full time, but she won't be able to support them yet. It isn't the financial issue, it's more that she and I have a difficult relationship. She feels I was a bad mother and is angry and resentful. I know I wasn't great but don't feel I was as bad as she feels I was. I think she needs to grow up and move on emotionally. She thinks I'm controlling, which I can be but she's living in my home so Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 If your position is that she needs to grow up and move on emotionally and you concede that you can be controlling and are justified in being controlling since they are living with you, then it seems she does need to move out. That's a pity since it is so difficult to take care of a baby alone but I agree with you that it's not good for a child to be around a lot of conflict. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Well you seem like a good mother to me letting her and her baby stay rent free under your roof. She will see how hard it is to be a mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 What are the arguments about? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Step one. Your daughter needs to make application for child support. It doesn't matter that you don't "need" the money. The money belongs to the baby. Get the money & throw it in an account so there will be a source of funds for college, a car or a down payment on a house for the kid. Second: you & your daughter need to settle on some house rules. Who does the chores. Who cares for the baby. And when she will get a job. She's a mom now & needs to get her act together for her kid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Agree she must file for child support. Then maybe she could afford her own place or to share one with another single mother. Two, as long as you're letting her stay there when you don't have to, why are you putting up with any of her arguing. Make the rules clear, as was said above, and one of the rules is no arguing or you're out. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 You also have to let your daughter make mistakes. You were a 1st time parent once too. Resist the urge to control the situation. If the baby is not in danger, let your daughter raise her child as she sees fit even if your way is "better." You can make suggestions but they have to phrased sweetly "Have you ever considered doing X instead of Y?" Even though she is your daughter, she is still somebody else's mom & she gets to be treated like an adult even when you know better. Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 (edited) Well you seem like a good mother to me letting her and her baby stay rent free under your roof. She will see how hard it is to be a mother. I don't know a mother who wouldn't happily welcome her child and grandchild into her home, especially when her child is a new mom, the grandchild is still a baby and the child/daughter has no partner assisting her. Of course my kid could move in with me if she were in a similar situation. I just had my house remodeled (4 months of construction- ugh) to create a suite for my mom to move into my home with me. That's what family does. Edited February 21, 2019 by Tamfana Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 I think she needs to grow up and move on emotionally. She thinks I'm controlling, which I can be but she's living in my home so I hope you understand change won't have to come solely from your daughter. Having an adult child live with you, especially one that's moved back home, is very different than having a kid under your roof. If the two of you can't meet somewhere in the middle, you might be better off contributing what you can to childcare and separate residences... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Nobody likes to be controlled and you’ll only get rebellion from that kind of thing. Whether she’s in your home or not, it doesn’t give you the right to treat her as you please. Yes, she needs to be respectful of your home but her bad situation doesn’t give you license to treat her as you please. Controlling people are extremely exasperating and so difficult to be around. Do you really want your daughter to resent you in such a way? You have nothing to gain by being controlling. It’ll backfire on you every time. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Would you consider entering family counselling with your daughter? Treat it as an opportunity to bury past grievances and to make a fresh start with mutual respect of each other's needs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbrokenlady Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 The father isn't British and is working on the other side of the world. She applied for support, but because he's overseas it isn't going to happen. I know I need to change. That's the only part of the situation I can do anything about. I think I need to keep my distance more. The baby loves us equally because I've taken on the father role, but he isn't my child, he's my grandchild. Contributing to her living elsewhere isnt feasible. I can't afford it. Things I can't take tho, are her allowing him to scream at night (I've been sleep training him but she isn't in favour) because I have a demanding job and I can't be kept awake half the night by a baby crying. Also the mess. She's very untidy and I can't live in a dirty house. Other than those things, I let other stuff go. I make her contribute to groceries but that's about all she can afford. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Your daughter sounds spoiled and ignorant. Untidy in YOUR home, doesn't care that the baby isn't sleeping well and is disturbing your sleep when you have to get up for work. Basically she's emotionally blackmailing you into putting up with her behaviour because you don't want to see your grandson homeless. Sounds like the baddest thing you did as a mother was fail to foot her up the rear when she was asking for it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Things I can't take tho, are her allowing him to scream at night (I've been sleep training him but she isn't in favour) because I have a demanding job and I can't be kept awake half the night by a baby crying. Also the mess. She's very untidy and I can't live in a dirty house. Other than those things, I let other stuff go. I make her contribute to groceries but that's about all she can afford. Again, you both need boundaries, flexibility and consideration. Babies cry at night and any mitigation is up to Mom. You can use earplugs or a white noise machine or app to adjust. It's not your job to "sleep train". And kids also equal mess. We had two kids 363 days apart, went from house beautiful to house of horrors, it comes with the territory. You need to decide what's important. With an infant under your roof, you won't have a quiet, neat home. You will have one full of life... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Those things you mention that she’s doing are unacceptable. That’s her disrespecting you and your home. Tell her to straighten up or find somewhere else to live where someone else will put up with those things (which no one will). Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbrokenlady Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 I don't mind baby mess. But daughter has always been messy, like her father. Beyond just untidy. I've tried ear plugs but they don't block the noise. Our house isn't big and the baby is loud. It was getting to the point where I couldn't work. Something has to give there. I'm the only breadwinner. I'd sleep downstairs on the sofa if it was away from the noise, but it's an old house and the noise travels. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 I would collect information on social services housing options for your daughter and tell her if she cannot treat you better she is welcome to opt in. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Territory. Assign boundaries and do not cross them. Her room, your room. Common areas need rules drafted and observed so they do not become messy and resentment builds. Step back, it is her baby not yours. If she asks for help give it, otherwise do not interfere. If the baby is screaming all night with no obvious cause, then I guess the conflict and stress is already affecting it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 I don't mind baby mess. But daughter has always been messy, like her father. Beyond just untidy. I've tried ear plugs but they don't block the noise. Our house isn't big and the baby is loud. It was getting to the point where I couldn't work. Something has to give there. I'm the only breadwinner. I'd sleep downstairs on the sofa if it was away from the noise, but it's an old house and the noise travels. I sympathize with the problem of having your sleep interrupted. Heck, sleep deprivation is a from of torture. Does the baby's crying grate on your daughter? I would think it would. Does she have a hard time soothing the baby so it stops crying? If so, maybe a "baby and me" type of class could teach her techniques. If she's doing the nighttime baby care she must be exhausted. Being up every night for a baby usually ends, or decreases, after the baby's on solid food and can sleep through the night, about 3-4 months. Link to post Share on other sites
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