Robineds Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 My gf and me broke up 5 days ago. It was a mutual thing, we got bogged down with eachother and the only way was to have some space otherwise we would of carried on and eventually be left with nothing. When we broke up it was very clean, we both thanked eachother for the good times, and both said who knows what will happen in a few months. Towards the end I became very frustrated as she would stop asking to see me and it was me asking to see her and most of the time she would be busy, however she still talked to me, and said she didn't want to not be with me. Anyway. We broke up and instantly my frustration and upset turned into just wanting her back. As soon as we broke up we stopped contact, however after two days I messaged her with a heartfelt letter saying about the good times we had, that I'm here for her if she needs to talk ( she mentioned a few weeks she had other problems going on) and that I love her and care for her and if there was a chance in a while we might want to meet and catch up and she felt the same that I wouldn't want to miss that. I said what I had to say, told her il leave her in peace and that was that. A couple of hours later she replied, thanking me for the message and thanked me for the times we had and said who knows what will happen in the future and she hope I'm okay. I replied to her thankyou and reiterated if she needs to talk she knows where I am. She then replied again thanking me. After that I left it, and then next day early morning just text to say it's no problem. I thought that would shut the conversation off then but she replied again to wish me a good day. So a few hours later I thanked her and said speak soon. It's not that I don't want to talk but I think she needs time away from me. I miss her very much and I want her back, all the problems we had seem so small compared to the fun we had. What should I do now? I'm not going to bombard her with messages, I plan to carry on, go out for days, I have a night out with friends coming up and a few other things. Any tips on how I can maybe get her back or do you think reading the above I have no chance? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 I miss her very much and I want her back, all the problems we had seem so small compared to the fun we had. What should I do now? I'm not going to bombard her with messages, I plan to carry on, go out for days, I have a night out with friends coming up and a few other things. Any tips on how I can maybe get her back or do you think reading the above I have no chance? What were the problems you two had? It'll be easier to give advice if you give us information about the relationship rather than just the break-up. A successful reconciliation really depends on how well the problems that led to the break-up are addressed, and whether or not both parties are motivated to make the effort resolve the issues. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 You don't really want her back. You are being nostalgic for the good times & glossing over all the stuff that broke you apart. Change is unsettling. Being with her was familiar. You want comfort & you think she embodies that. She doesn't. You are just being sentimental which is not a good reason to reconcile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robineds Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 What were the problems you two had? It'll be easier to give advice if you give us information about the relationship rather than just the break-up. A successful reconciliation really depends on how well the problems that led to the break-up are addressed, and whether or not both parties are motivated to make the effort resolve the issues. She stopped being happy when we were together. She would come out and would hardly talk. I tried and tried to get her to talk. Eventually if we were out together long enough she would start to talk. It became just me asking to do stuff, and most of the time she would say she was busy or she'd let me know but never would. End of last year she said she's no the sure if she's happy anymore but doesn't want to end it and waste all the years we've been together but didn't know if it would get back together. I tried to convince her that just quality time together would work.and she agreed to it and it worked. She even said herself she got it all wrong and we were god. Then it slowly, gradually went down hill again. She would not ask to see me again and she was busy, we did meet up a few times but everything became a battle for both of us and we ended up just getting eachother down. We then both said it's not working and the only way was to stop. It's only now we've broken up I deeply miss her. All the bad times I've forgot and I'm struggling to see life without her. I haven't told her this and I plan now to go quiet, I said what I needed to say in the letter, she replied to me a few times and the last I said was we ll speak soon. I guess I want her to have time to herself. With me not being around she may start to miss me and remeber what it was like - the good times. I just don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robineds Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 You don't really want her back. You are being nostalgic for the good times & glossing over all the stuff that broke you apart. Change is unsettling. Being with her was familiar. You want comfort & you think she embodies that. She doesn't. You are just being sentimental which is not a good reason to reconcile. Maybe but I did genuinely have very deep feelings for her. A lot of people said to leave her long before we broke up. But I tried to be there for her, be caring and understanding. I couldn't just leave her because I feel that much for her. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 It doesn't matter. SHE feel out of love. Fixing that is not something within your control. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robineds Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 It doesn't matter. SHE feel out of love. Fixing that is not something within your control. I accept that, and in time when my head is clearer I might look back and realise. I just wish she would of told me, instead of me trying and trying. After three years I'd of liked to think she would of had the heart just to tell me. Everytime I asked if she wanted to be with me, she would get defensive and say I've never said I don't, and now she feels bad because she must be doing soemthing to make me think that... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 I don't think she is going to come back, OP. Based on what you wrote, she checked out of the relationship a while ago. Her feelings for you are not the same anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robineds Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 I don't think she is going to come back, OP. Based on what you wrote, she checked out of the relationship a while ago. Her feelings for you are not the same anymore. Thankyou for your honesty. I am sure I will realise this when my head clears. I guess I'm trying to convince myself that time apart will clear her head and realise what she/ we had. It's a real shame because we really had it good, I just wish she would of told me her true feelings months ago instead of keeping it going and going and me trying and trying to make things better. I guess that's partly my fault for not realising in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Once a woman isn't in love anymore, there's really nothing left except possible sexless distant acquaintance relationship. Once a woman isn't happy, she loses the romance and unlike some guys won't even want to have sex anymore with you unless it's just to make you not feel as bad. She's just not in love with you and isn't happy and you need to let her go and move on, I'm afraid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robineds Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 Once a woman isn't in love anymore, there's really nothing left except possible sexless distant acquaintance relationship. Once a woman isn't happy, she loses the romance and unlike some guys won't even want to have sex anymore with you unless it's just to make you not feel as bad. She's just not in love with you and isn't happy and you need to let her go and move on, I'm afraid. I'm leaving her be. I said speak soon and that was the last contact so it's up to her now. I am not going to bombard her. I said that because she told me she had other problems happening and so I just said if she ever needs to talk.. I just wish she had told me she was no longer in love. At least then I would of known, it would of been easier in the long run for both of us. It's funny because even being like she was, if I went and did something and not told her or I did something different she would instantly want to know about it. I don't wish any hurt on her, I told her I want there to be happy. I will leave her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 See, part of what you are missing here is that you think you had it good. She disagreed. You have subconsciously known something was amiss for a while, which is why you kept asking her about it. Unfortunately, she was not forthcoming. She may not have been able to pinpoint it. She may have thought she "had to" stay because on paper you two looked good but in the end she chose to get out because this just wasn't working for her. You are understandably heart broken & confused. For you this is somewhat out of the blue while she's had time to ruminate & process her decision before pulling the trigger. All you can do is move forward without her. For a while that will be painful because you were happy even is she wasn't so this is new for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robineds Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 See, part of what you are missing here is that you think you had it good. She disagreed. You have subconsciously known something was amiss for a while, which is why you kept asking her about it. Unfortunately, she was not forthcoming. She may not have been able to pinpoint it. She may have thought she "had to" stay because on paper you two looked good but in the end she chose to get out because this just wasn't working for her. You are understandably heart broken & confused. For you this is somewhat out of the blue while she's had time to ruminate & process her decision before pulling the trigger. All you can do is move forward without her. For a while that will be painful because you were happy even is she wasn't so this is new for you. I understand what you are saying. It makes sense. Maybe I should of read between the lines, now I feel a bit of a fool to have kept trying. Just wish she would of told me instead of giving false hope . Especially after not so long ago she agreed we were back to how we were. Nevermind. I am going quiet with her now and let her be. I have said what I needed to say, she replied and I have shut it off by saying speak soon. I hope one day she will remember me fondly, I know she was upset and blamed herself for Al of this. One thing I told her in my last letter was that it wasn't all her fault. O guess I need to learn by my mistakes, concentrate on myself and carry on. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 I understand what you are saying. It makes sense. Maybe I should of read between the lines, now I feel a bit of a fool to have kept trying. Just wish she would of told me instead of giving false hope . Especially after not so long ago she agreed we were back to how we were. Having once been in her shoes, I think she probably wanted everything to be okay because she knew that admitting to herself that it wasn't okay would be a very painful decision to make. I'm sure she cares about you and didn't want to hurt you either, so that was probably her misguided attempt at delaying the inevitable. A long-ago ex of mine was a good guy, but after 5 years together, I knew he wasn't the one for me. I definitely started checking out of the relationship, even if I didn't really realize it myself at the time. He too asked for another chance to make things work before actually breaking up. I gave it a go, tried to put on a happy face, but I was emotionally already gone. When I realized that, I ended it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robineds Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 Having once been in her shoes, I think she probably wanted everything to be okay because she knew that admitting to herself that it wasn't okay would be a very painful decision to make. I'm sure she cares about you and didn't want to hurt you either, so that was probably her misguided attempt at delaying the inevitable. A long-ago ex of mine was a good guy, but after 5 years together, I knew he wasn't the one for me. I definitely started checking out of the relationship, even if I didn't really realize it myself at the time. He too asked for another chance to make things work before actually breaking up. I gave it a go, tried to put on a happy face, but I was emotionally already gone. When I realized that, I ended it. It breaks my heart to think I've lost her. For sure we had our differences and at the end we were both emotionally tired. I feel a fool, I should of just seen it, like someone said maybe I did subconsciously, I guess I just didn't want to face up to it. It hurts to think of her with someone else, but I hope she finds someone she's happy with. She's said we can keep in touch and who knows what the future holds - in a few months who knows, she said. But maybe she's saying that just to be nice? When I look back, she didn't really put the relationship first at the end. It was me making the effort and when I tried to question it, she would get almost offended and try and twist the situation to make me feel bad. At least I couldn't see it but after telling a few people hat happened they have all said this. But I'm still not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 She's said we can keep in touch and who knows what the future holds - in a few months who knows, she said. But maybe she's saying that just to be nice? Probably, yes. A lot of dumpers say things like this because they believe it's going to hurt their ex less. The truth is that neither of you knows what the future holds. She doesn't know if you two will reunite someday, but she does know that as of right now, she wants the relationship to come to an end. I would not hold your breath for a reconciliation, simply because you can't put your life on hold for a hypothetical. All you can do is act with the information you have now. I know it hurts a lot to think of her with someone else, and it will probably sting if you do eventually learn she has met someone. But, this is why No Contact is so important right now. You need to first learn to live without her and concentrate on finding your own footing again. Make an effort to get used to this new phase of your life, in other words. It will feel less disorienting as times goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robineds Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 Probably, yes. A lot of dumpers say things like this because they believe it's going to hurt their ex less. The truth is that neither of you knows what the future holds. She doesn't know if you two will reunite someday, but she does know that as of right now, she wants the relationship to come to an end. I would not hold your breath for a reconciliation, simply because you can't put your life on hold for a hypothetical. All you can do is act with the information you have now. I know it hurts a lot to think of her with someone else, and it will probably sting if you do eventually learn she has met someone. But, this is why No Contact is so important right now. You need to first learn to live without her and concentrate on finding your own footing again. Make an effort to get used to this new phase of your life, in other words. It will feel less disorienting as times goes on. That's right we both don't know what the future holds. I do think she had other things , negative things happening in her life, I tried and tried to get her to talk but she is a very closed person. I think maybe everything got too much and the relationship became another negative thing which was getting her down. Hopefully now in time she will start to clear her head, I don't expect her to come back, and I'm not going to wait, there are things in my life I need to concentrate on myself and improve my own situation too, but I will always have feelings for her and if she she finds someone else who makes her happy, for sure it will hurt but I will be happy for her, I told her I wish her to be happy. Maybe I will find someone eventually who comes into my life. At the moment I just want to get my head right. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Yes, I would focus on clearing your own mind now. The hard truth is that perhaps this was a clear-headed decision on her part. I doubt it was something she came to easily and had probably been mulling over it for a while. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robineds Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 Yes, I would focus on clearing your own mind now. The hard truth is that perhaps this was a clear-headed decision on her part. I doubt it was something she came to easily and had probably been mulling over it for a while. She did say she don't want to throw it all away. I even gave her a few days to think. We came back and she still didn't know. But it appears now that after people explain it, maybe yes she mentally left a long time ago. Which is a huge shame. I guess it was difficult to realise and maybe I didn't want to realise it, she would blow hot and cold. Sometimes even recently she would be very much Into me and be the girl who I fell those years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robineds Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 Also the last message I sent. I ended with 'speak soon' Was this the right thing to do? She has read it and not messaged back. I don't want to be rude when saying speak soon, but I just left the door open? My thinking was I tell her what I needed to say and then leave it as speak soon so then she has time away from me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robineds Posted March 3, 2019 Author Share Posted March 3, 2019 I have managed to not contact her since saying speak soon. She hasn't got in touch with me. I really want to speak to Hernandez but I'm fighting it off. She posts upbeat stuff on social media, and a video f her and her friend laughing at soemthing not so long ago. I haven't I friended her because we haven't fallen out. She still has my pics on her profile and I'm still tagged in them. I know this means nothing. I still want to contact her, I miss her a lot but I'm stopping myself. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 Keeping her on social media is not a good idea. Whether or not you had a falling out doesn't matter, really; the point is that seeing updates from her is setting you back, emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
Okina Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 (edited) Yes I have a tip. Don't try to get her back. Ask yourself why do you want to get her back? Is it for validation? How can you validate yourself? Build yourself up, work hard and improve yourself. Start dating new women, push through your own boundaries, let the pain motive you. If you worked hard enough, she will want to come back herself but the thing is if you have worked hard enough, you will not even want her back anymore in some time. You will be able to get better. But maybe she has worked on herself too, than you will be able to see if she fits into yourlife and can support your new version. But the process remains. And that is that you don't try to get her back. Edited March 3, 2019 by Okina Link to post Share on other sites
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